Please note: I am not associated with Graceland in any way, have no special knowledge, and am not qualified to answer their Frequently Asked Questions. But I’m going to do it, anyway. Please do not take any of my advice; it will only lead to confusion and frustration. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever even been to Memphis. It’s not going to stop me, though. Let’s get to it.
What do I do if I need to cancel or make changes to an existing reservation?
See? I’m already irritated. How do you people manage to get through a day? You make reservations with this office, need to change them, and don’t know how to proceed? What’s the matter with you?! Call us, you idiots! Pick up the phone, and give us a call. Jesus.
Do you offer the tours in different languages?
This is Tennessee. If American isn’t good enough for you, then stay home. Certain accents and dialects are OK, but watch it. If the gibberish gets too thick in here, you’ll be asked to leave.
Can I bring a camera on tour?
Yes, but we don’t tolerate any asshattery. If you start posing like Elvis, or raising one side of your upper-lip in an Elvis fashion, you will be escorted off the property, beaten down, or both — depending on the mood of our head of security, Lucius.
Can I bring my camera tripod?
We encourage you to bring it, and leave it in the trunk of your car.
What should I bring with me when I tour?
Standard rock-climbing gear: climbing shoes, harness, helmet, rope, belay device, and an assortment of auto-locking carabiners.
Do you offer travel agent rates?
What discounts do you offer at Graceland?
We have a special program where we ask visitors to imagine that our prices are twice as much. Then, as they’re paying our regular rates, they sometimes feel like they’re getting a hell of a deal.
Do you offer free airport transportation to Heartbreak Hotel guests?
Wow! Heartbreak Hotel is a song, not an actual place of business. I’ve heard everything now.
Can the VIP Tour be broken up into more than one day?
You’ll be touring the ground floor of a house, not Paris. Quit being such a pain in the ass, and hand over your bank card.
Do you offer any discounts to St. Jude patients?
We’re not thrilled about it, but how would it look if we didn’t?
Do you offer a discount for the press?
Do you allow pets on tour?
Yes! We encourage you to bring your dogs to Graceland. In fact, feel free to drop them off while you have dinner, or even leave town on vacation. Elvis’s mansion is almost always alive with the joyful sound of hundreds of dogs barking and rutting.
What is your wheelchair accessibility at Graceland?
If you can manage to get one up several long flights of stairs, you should be fine.
What do you offer for hearing impaired guests?
We have many things to see.
Is the upstairs of Graceland Mansion open for tours?
No. Elvis’s “laboratory” and labyrinth of windowless, sound-proof chambers are off-limits to the general public, because they were deemed to be too disturbing. The stretching rack, however, is on display in the garage.