Please note: I am not associated with Graceland in any way, have no special knowledge, and am not qualified to answer their Frequently Asked Questions. But I’m going to do it, anyway. Please do not take any of my advice; it will only lead to confusion and frustration. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever even been to Memphis. It’s not going to stop me, though. Let’s get to it.
What do I do if I need to cancel or make changes to an existing reservation?
See? I’m already irritated. How do you people manage to get through a day? You make reservations with this office, need to change them, and don’t know how to proceed? What’s the matter with you?! Call us, you idiots! Pick up the phone, and give us a call. Jesus.
Do you offer the tours in different languages?
This is Tennessee. If American isn’t good enough for you, then stay home. Certain accents and dialects are OK, but watch it. If the gibberish gets too thick in here, you’ll be asked to leave.
Can I bring a camera on tour?
Yes, but we don’t tolerate any asshattery. If you start posing like Elvis, or raising one side of your upper-lip in an Elvis fashion, you will be escorted off the property, beaten down, or both — depending on the mood of our head of security, Lucius.
Can I bring my camera tripod?
We encourage you to bring it, and leave it in the trunk of your car.
What should I bring with me when I tour?
Standard rock-climbing gear: climbing shoes, harness, helmet, rope, belay device, and an assortment of auto-locking carabiners.
Do you offer travel agent rates?
Absolutely not.
What discounts do you offer at Graceland?
We have a special program where we ask visitors to imagine that our prices are twice as much. Then, as they’re paying our regular rates, they sometimes feel like they’re getting a hell of a deal.
Do you offer free airport transportation to Heartbreak Hotel guests?
Wow! Heartbreak Hotel is a song, not an actual place of business. I’ve heard everything now.
Can the VIP Tour be broken up into more than one day?
You’ll be touring the ground floor of a house, not Paris. Quit being such a pain in the ass, and hand over your bank card.
Do you offer any discounts to St. Jude patients?
We’re not thrilled about it, but how would it look if we didn’t?
Do you offer a discount for the press?
Fuck off.
Do you allow pets on tour?
Yes! We encourage you to bring your dogs to Graceland. In fact, feel free to drop them off while you have dinner, or even leave town on vacation. Elvis’s mansion is almost always alive with the joyful sound of hundreds of dogs barking and rutting.
What is your wheelchair accessibility at Graceland?
If you can manage to get one up several long flights of stairs, you should be fine.
What do you offer for hearing impaired guests?
We have many things to see.
Is the upstairs of Graceland Mansion open for tours?
No. Elvis’s “laboratory” and labyrinth of windowless, sound-proof chambers are off-limits to the general public, because they were deemed to be too disturbing. The stretching rack, however, is on display in the garage.
Other Frequently Asked Questions
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Thank you….thank you very much
I have left the building.
Is there a chance of seeing ‘Tiny Elvis’ while taking the tour?
HAHAHA !! Born , raised and currently residing in Memphis for the last 36 years. I have been to Graceland exactly once. My dad is 63 , born and raised here , and worked down the street at his former job for 24 years; never been! Those stupid questions don’t surprise me at all . The first week of August is ” Death Week” when they do the candle light vigil and all that mess. The people watching at all the tourist spots is Second. To. None!!!! P.S. Its in the Hood. Not a good part of town at all.
Elvis has left the Hood
Do ya’ll provide any of those fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches in the kitchen area?
Is there bathrooms in there or did Elvis just shit into bags and toss them on the lawn, like I do?
Classic WVSR! Three thumbs up.
LMAO love it!
Does this mansion make me look fat?
Is Graceland ‘in the ghetto’.
Is it true there’s a whole room with all the “Elvis on Velvet” paintings there? I hope so. I only have thirteen and really want to see all the other ones he did.
Great stuff! Here’s another, from the Va. state tax FAQ.
Q: What is the penalty if I decide to sell tobacco products without obtaining a distributor’s license and paying the Tobacco Products Tax?
A: Seriously?
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I am not sure whether I can call you on the “phone” to change my reservation. Did the King express an opinion as to whether his followers could use the “phone” and still remain pure in his sight?
Graceland creeped me the hell out. Mainly because of all the freaks on the tour. There was a woman crying.. Dude died on the toilet 35 years ago for christ sake, it’s time to move on, Betty Sue.
“And I see losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody feels the wind blow”
A great song from an outstanding album. Who had ever heard of Ladysmith before then?
.
Are we permitted to see the shit smear mark left on the terlet, when E had his fatal heart attack and fell off?
Is it classified as irony or tragedy if I, or someone in my party, has a massive heart attack while walkin through those hallowed halls?
It will be classified as an ironic tragedy.
Great update! Just like olden times..
GREAT update!!!!!!
I took the liberty to address a few less frequently, but still as important, questions directed to the Graceland tour guide.
Why can’t I use flash photography?
The sequins and other reflective devices affixed to many of the fabrics and surfaces here at Graceland readily reflect the lights used in flash photography. These reflective surfaces continually bounce the light around rooms for up to 20 seconds, in some cases causing epileptic[tic fits in our guests. For the benefit of the longevity of the carpets, we request that you refrain from using flash photography, lest ceasing spazes piss and drool all over the floor.
Can I bring my video camera, digital camera or my cell phone on tour to record/take pictures in the house?
No.
Where can I use my audio-visual equipment?
Anywhere you want that isn’t in the house.
How big are the lockers we offer in our plaza area to store your items?
The guest storage lockers were originally installed in Graceland to serve as Mr. Presley’s daily pill box. Therefore, each locker had to be able to hold up to a single day’s worth of medications and intoxicants for The King. The lockers are 12 inches wide x 22 inches long x 27 inches deep.
Do you offer any free transportation to other area attractions?
Yes. We do our best to make sure you are presented with ample opportunity to spend money on anything else other than our proper venture. Idiot.
What discounts do you offer on the VIP Tour?
At this time, on Elvis Insiders with a valid membership card can receive a 10% discount on the tour. More about the Elvis Insiders.
Do you offer any gift certificates?
No, instead of a gift certificate, we offer what is referred to as “Elvis Bucks”. They are the same thing as gift certificates, but they are way more obnoxious and better suit the overall hickish atmosphere we respectfully maintain here at Graceland.
I wish to have something special added to my hotel room. How do I go about doing this?
Heartbreak Hotel can help you celebrate a special occasion during your stay. Whether you are finally down below 300 pounds again, celebrating your second stomach staple, or simply celebrating your anniversary/father’s day with your husband/dad we try to accommodate any reasonable request. We offer items that can be added to your room such as champagne flutes and accompanying Miller High Life, balloons and bread ties as condom replacements, birthday cards, and imported beers from the nations of Missouri and Pennsylvania. To request a full listing of items and pricing, please send an email to [email protected].
I want to stay at the Heartbreak Hotel during Elvis Week. How do I go about booking this?
Call us book a room, retard.
Are see-through children permitted to tour the facility?
Yes, as long as they don’t fiddle with their weiners.
Is it true that Elvis was a narc? In rhinestones after dark?
Can I borrow the Cadillac?