While at work last night I was hit with a very specific craving: hot dogs with mustard and sauerkraut. I even imagined them with steamed buns, like they used to serve at the Dunbar Dairy Queen back when dinosaurs roamed the Earf. And cravings aren’t usually that clear-cut. Ya know?
Maybe it was because I wrote about fair food in yesterday’s update, I don’t know. But the hankerin’ was so powerful I seriously considered stopping at Sheetz (where “the kitchen is always open”) on my way home, and ordering exactly what was dancing in my head.
But I decided to deny the craving, and just have a bowl of Rice Krispies in the bunker, instead. I mean, Sheetz serves-up pretty good food for a convenience store, but they’re not known for their speediness. And I didn’t care for the idea of standing around in the middle of the night as some questionable character in plastic gloves breathed heavily through his nose holes across my wieners.
Then I thought I could stop at the 24-hour grocery store near our house, and buy a package of hot dogs, some buns, and a jar of sauerkraut. But I figured that would cost me upwards of ten bucks (I have to have all-beef weenies), and that was a bit pricey for a craving. So, I just went home.
And my very first thought when I woke up this morning? Man, I really want some hot dogs with mustard and sauerkraut. I think this happened even before I started the frantic calculating of days until the weekend. And that’s saying something.
What the hell’s going on?! I think I’m going to have to deal with this thing, I really do. It’s starting to take over my life. Even now I’m sitting here wanting, really wanting, two or three hot dogs with very specific toppings and bun texture.
Will somebody please hold me?
And speaking of “quality” all-beef wieners, we recently stumbled upon a hamburger truth that shocked me. At first, anyway.
A few weeks ago Toney made a mistake while buying burger for one of our deck feasts, and bought ground beef with an 80/20 meat to fat ratio. We were in the habit of buying the kind with very little fat, because we assumed it was better.
But we were wrong, so very wrong. Ever since we switched to 80/20, our grilled burgers have been a thousand times tastier. Sweet Maria. It makes a huge difference, and I should’ve known: fat is where it’s at.
I highly recommend it, if you’ve been making the same mistake we were. Our burgers now taste like the really good ones from my childhood. And I was starting to think they were a personal myth: hamburgers that were hyper-exaggerated to legendary status through the years. But they’re real, and now they’re back!
And I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I didn’t plan for this one to be so… focused. Somehow the whole update is about meat, kinda sorta.
Anyway, yesterday I overheard a woman tell someone she only eats meat from animals that have been “killed by a single blow.” Have you ever heard that one? I find it to be fairly bizarre.
Yeah, I know what she meant. She meant cruelty-free, and free-range, and all that stuff. But it’s not how she described it. She said “killed by a single blow.”
I like the idea of all our meat coming from happy, smiling cows, and chickens that have led a fulfilling life. I like animals (probably better than most people) and don’t want to think about them suffering so that I might have a quick lunch at Wendy’s. So, I’m not really making fun of the woman. I’m sure her heart is in the right place.
But I’d like for us to come up with some additional requirements for our food, designed to impress our friends and co-workers, as well as ensure that the source had a nice life before we got there and, you know, ate the absolute shit out of it.
In the comments section, please complete the sentence “I’ll only eat…” I came up with a few while in the shower. That’s right, they were written while naked. What of it?
- Chickens that were tickled to death.
- Beef slaughtered behind a beaded curtain.
- Beef from cows that have never been exposed to financial stress.
- Tomatoes that were hammock-grown.
And you guys can take it from there, if you’d like. Or you can come up with your own topics. There are no rules… this is the West Virginia Surf Report.
I’ll be back tomorrow.
See ya then.