An Old Fashioned Topic Dump

dumptruckOK, I admit it, yesterday’s update was supposed to appear at Suggestaholic.  But I spent so much time on it, I wanted more than thirty people to read it.  Is that so wrong?

I trust it wasn’t too painful?  You know, for everyone besides Buck…

Yesterday I logged into an old Yahoo email account, which I hadn’t used in YEARS.  I was kinda surprised it was still active, but everything was there, just as I’d left it.

In fact, there was still a message in the drafts folder(!).  It was addressed to my friend Tim, and dated 10/27/2003.  The body of the email read, “This place is starting to make me feel like Bill Buckner!”

WTF?

Have you ever revisited a long-abandoned email account?  It’s a weird feeling, like walking around a house or apartment where you used to live.  I scrolled through the address book, and kept shouting, “Oh, I remember that guy!  …Wonder why we’re not friends anymore?”

For about an hour last night, I was convinced the transition was finally complete, and I’d become a character in a situation comedy.

I had to pee, you see, with a red-hot urgency.  But because of a series of improbable circumstances, I was repeatedly denied the opportunity.  And by the end, I was standing there talking to my boss, looking like Elvis Costello’s first album.

I was peppered with several “Jeff, can you take a look at this?” slippery-slopes, was called into an unscheduled meeting that lasted for more than twenty minutes, and received two phone calls I couldn’t let go to voicemail.

At one point I actually made it to a bathroom, but there was a woman inside with a crash cart.  She was wearing rubber gloves, and using a long-handled brush to mop-up the drippins.

“Dammit!”  I almost shouted.  “Why won’t anyone let me urinate?!”

But I’m happy to report that everything worked out OK.  I finally found sweet relief, and was undoubtedly moaning like a porn star for the duration.

And since we’re on the subject…  I know we’ve already covered this, but I can’t remember if a conclusion was reached.  Do women experience the phenomenon known as “piss shivers?”

I think it has something to do with the sudden loss of body heat (is that correct?), and causes urinators to experience a literal full-body shiver.  I assume this happens to women, as well?

Also, is my body heat information correct?  Is that what triggers the violent convulsions?  Help me out, won’t you?

I believe the Roll Call page is reasonably up-to-date, and we still haven’t had any Surf Reporters check-in from South Dakota or Wyoming.  Are any of you reading today’s update from those places?  If so, please tell us about it in Thursday’s comments.  We need representation from all fifty states.

And even if you aren’t in South Dakota or Wyoming, go ahead and log your location for us — if you haven’t already done so.  For some reason it’s kinda fun.

A couple of days ago I told you about a bizarre video clip I’d seen featuring eight nude Japanese women spraying something liquid out of their asses, simultaneously.  I mean, the synchronization was impeccable!

Anyway, check out this article that appeared the very next day.  Spooky, huh?  Thanks to Brad for spotting it.

Nancy and the gang are supposed to be visiting during the coming weekend, but they’re insisting on staying at a hotel.  I don’t know what that’s all about…  And even though it certainly makes our lives easier, I feel a little weird about it.  Ya know?

They’ve used our place as a bed & breakfast inn for years, and suddenly won’t stay here?  Wonder what triggered it?  I have no idea.

In any case, I’ll leave you with a Question that’s more of an assignment, really.  Are assignments OK?  They are?  Good.  I’m planning a complete overhaul of the ABOUT page (long overdue), and want to include, among other things, a glossary of terms.

So, if you guys could help me come up with a list of uncommon phrases, terms, and nicknames used here at the Surf Report — which might confuse new visitors — I’d be much obliged.  Definitions would be a plus, as well.

Thanks in advance!

And I’ll see you folks tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker.

136 Responses to “An Old Fashioned Topic Dump”

  1. UNO Baby!!

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  2. right there with you 2 tall

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  3. They’re staying at a hotel so they can have wild sex in the bed right next to where the translucents are sleeping and/or watching. Just my guess.

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  4. Hey!!!

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  5. I will be the first woman to tell you that yes, I have experienced “piss shivers”.
    I’m not sure what causes it but I can only remember it happening when I’ve held it for a LONG time.

    I find them quite stimulating….

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  6. WTF? No tiny car? No rewarding? No semi-autistic rocking in front of the TV? You or Toney need to call Eninen up RIGHT NOW and demand that they stay with you. We’ve gone far too long without the Circus of Kookery.

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  7. I doubt they are going to stay in a hotel – they are just saying that so you guys insist that they stay with you and not waste their money. However, if you don’t do this, you know they will talk shit to everyone about how Jeff & Toney wouldn’t let them stay at their house, etc.

    We call it a lose/lose situation.

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  8. Zach, I doubt that. They would just say up front that they ARE staying at J&T’s B&B and leave it at that. No “can we?” or “do you mind?”, just show up, start unpacking, Nossy heads straight for Jeff’s underwear drawer and Nancy begins her Glob-of-Gook casserole without consent from anyone.

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  9. For the Glossary:

    First – a word used in the comments section usually by a person with no real job or one who hasn’t been laid recently. Many times it is followed by one or two more commentors also saying “First,” followed by a “Damn” or a “Damn Haloscan”.

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  10. TOP TEN- HOOORAH

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  11. never had pee shivers. sounds like i’m missing out.

    i concur with bill in wv, but i think they’re planning on dropping the translucents off with you for “an hour” first. you won’t see them again until sunset, long after translucent meltdown time…

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  12. I think they got wind of the website and ol’ Nossie doesn’t want you writing about all his naps or telling the world (minus South Dakota and Wyoming) about the metallic smell, hence the hotel stay. but I am inordinately paranoid.

    I’m with Tammie on the piss shivers topic. I don’t find it stimulating though. I find it a little creepy.

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  13. Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……

    entry: Good Afternoon( Morning, Evening ) Surf Reporters. The consistently standard opening to JCIII’s post(s).

    entry:couldn’t give a tiny, sea horse shaped shitlet.(one of my faves!) – meaning of little or no interest or concern.

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  14. For the glossary:
    I’m a big fan of baked goods, but you kind of damaged that love affair a few months ago with your “Lawn Cruller” reference to Buck’s feces. If Dunkin’ Donuts comes out with a chocolate cruller, I’ll gag.
    Thanks

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  15. or they might be mad at you for stealing their organic peace sign shaped macaroni and cheese.

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  16. I have piss shivers. But I’ve always assumed it’s because I insist on stripping myself of ALL my clothes and wetting my hair and chest in the sink before I pee.
    It makes pissing in public a drag. But hey, if it aint broke don’t fix it.

    Eninen (or whatever) needs a definition.

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  17. female piss shiverer here!

    and i had no idea Japan had so many sickos! WHAT??? th’fuck!

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  18. Brandy is right!
    Jeff- Didn’t you tell us that have a computer and that Nancy is now with us in the wonderful world of cyberspace?
    Piss Shivers- No- when nature calls I go and it could be just about anywhere!

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  19. Another check mark for girlie piss shivers. I quite like them. Check it out - men DO get it more than women!

    Derby of turds
    Campbell’s Soup Children
    Rett Lopster
    Sunshine
    Nossy
    samlich
    Transluscents
    Secrets
    record weasel
    cuppa too tree

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  20. I would wager that any respecting hotel/motel will kick that entire entourage out withing the first twelve hours of their stay, necessitating a middle of the night move to the J&T Bed and Breakfast. God help those in the next room over.

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  21. uh Jed D~~
    Are you sure you meant BUCK’S feces? Never read that update!!

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  22. For the glossary:

    “Sweet sainted mother of [insert any X, Y, or Z-lister here]” Classic.

    Blanket Jackson.

    Danny Maverick.

    And I second the shitlet. Because that’s the best. Word. Ever.

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  23. single dingle

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  24. Hey Wordnerd good to see you are still around!

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  25. I know Oregon is already represented in the census but I don’t think Salem, Oregon was, so there you go!

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  26. Piss Shivers?

    TF?

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  27. Oh yeah- Words:

    Platform
    Golden Elixir
    Andy
    Burbon Season

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  28. Definition of “Doucheketeer”:

    One whose self-esteem is greater than even Muhammad Ali’s, but whose real personal assets amount to very little. Doucheketeers can be found readily in fraternity houses, “spoof-movie” audiences, all-ages music venues, and Boston Red Sox games.

    Tuning in from Catonsville, MD since 2003. Thanks for all the laughs!

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  29. Didn’t Toney turn down Nancy’s last-minute request to come down for Christmas or something? Maybe that’s why they’ll be staying elsewhere.

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  30. Poppa Half-Shirt

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  31. Zitster – Any teenage slacker working in almost any form of retail outlet.

    I have never had another personal email address. Now I have had other address’ for work an whatnot but I have had the same email address I use today for almost 20 years

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  32. No piss shivers here. Though of interesting note, it was once mentioned on an episode of “Pushing Daisies”.

    As for the glossary, I second Poppajugs. “A grand gang of doucheketeers” has become a permanent part of my vocabulary.

    I also nominate “shitpouch” and when Jeff calls something that’s failed a “prop”.

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  33. Live in Raleigh, NC currently….

    Lived in South Dakota for the first 23 years of my life…

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  34. Two words…FUNNEL PANTS

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  35. I have saved emails that are over 10 years old.

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  36. I think it was Andy’s (AKA Black Lips Houlihan), not Buck’s yard cruller. I could be STOOPID tho.

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  37. Eats it from the ass in

    Happy Wednesday, Surfers!

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  38. Glossary Term- Rectal plate and or shelf
    Eats it from the inside out
    Doucheketeer….definitley
    and any other Kayisms that come to mind!!!!

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  39. I always wondered if Nancy, Nossy and the translucentlets knew about this web page. Maybe Brandy’s right and they just found out?//?

    Definition: Translucent – (tranz’ – loo- sent)
    Children of possible inbreeding that exibit so many recessive gene traits they are of a very white and pasty visage. Also exhibits big heads, very skinny necks, and slight limbs. In extreme cases they exibit so much so that you can almost see their little hearts beating in their inbred little chests.

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  40. Add me to the list of females that suffer from pee shivers. I don’t enjoy them.

    Eninen is testing Tony’s loyalty. Add me to the growing list of “kicked out by midnight” or “drop psycho kids with you and run”.

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  41. Also a member of the female piss shiver club. Maybe it’s related to the postponement of peeing sort of like the extra oomph you get when….never mind.

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  42. hey tony sinn glad to see you tuning in!! this is your friend in Elkhart…………. how cool is THAT??!!

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  43. Is a piss shiver like a mini-orgasm? because I get that. Maybe that’s why some girls like them… But if it’s just a general shiver like it’s cold, then no, I don’t get that.

    terms:
    Scrote
    How the secrets, translucents, nossy, sunshine, mumbles all got their names.

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  44. A quote from the Japanese Weirdo Porn article:
    “The proposed new measures include a 50 percent reduction in live-eel anal insertions, and a requirement that portrayals of group sex involving seven or more individuals feature at least four human participants. Also under consideration is a zero-tolerance policy covering all “prurient uses” of colostomy bags.”

    Now, I am upset. 50% reduction in live-eel anal insertions.
    I want a refund.

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  45. Vicki, please elaborate on the “extra Oomph” thing. Much obliged.

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  46. I think they are staying at a hotel because…..well after all of these years………..they found the WVSR and experienced their own piss shivers when they read it! Just a guess.

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  47. I wish you’d had a site glossary about 5 months ago when I first found this site. I read 7 years of updates (all on company time) to get caught up. An introduction to all of the major players would’ve been appreciated.

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  48. I don’t think you should have a glossary. Make the new doucheketeers figure it out like the rest of us.

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  49. A bowl of corn motherfuckers! Yep, that one needs to be in the About page.

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  50. “PAS – Phantom Ass Syndrome – describing the state of the posterior region after spending many hours on the metal bleachers at a swim meet.”
    I recently experienced this very syndrome after an all-day volleyball tournament. Ugh!

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  51. Another female fan and recipient of the piss shiver.

    Also agree that Nancy is testing Toney’s loyalty since she verbally bitch slapped her last time they were there!

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  52. Oh and don’t forget the classic “Ass drop”

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  53. “Is that an erection I smell?” I miss that. I don’t think we ever got an explanation as to why it was removed.

    What I find fascinating about the pee shivers question is the unsolicited follow-up response about whether you like it or not. @scarymary – piss shiver=mini-orgasm? Those are standards I might actually be capable of living up to…

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  54. I have experienced the piss shivers, but not at every pee….just sometimes. It’s weird and causes my nipples to go all hard and stuff.

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  55. One of my favorite “Jeffisms” is…
    “My nipples are exploding with delight!”

    I believe it has been modified a few times to..
    ” My nipples are fairly exploding with delight!”

    The picture I get in my head is enough to make me laugh every time.

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  56. metten – if I can answer for scarymary – yes,

    also second Vicki’s ‘extra oomph’ theory. As a friend of mine put it years ago – ‘I’m feeling horny,which means I have to go pee.’

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  57. tiff-you answered it for me.

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  58. “making noises like a fax machine”
    “full-body pump”

    I believe the latter is used to describe Andy’s behavior when he’s going to vomit, and he’s going to commit his entire body to the enterprise.

    The former are the noises Andy makes when he is contemplating or remembering a “full-body pump”. I presume so anyway. I’ve never heard a dog make noises like a fax machine.

    I wonder where you’d put the toner?

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  59. S’more:

    I forgot about the “turd” combos:

    “As if I were wearing….”

    a suit of turds
    a beard of turds
    a fez of turds
    etc.

    Meant to explain the dumbfounded or nonplussed looks Jeff receives on occasion

    “Wottadouche” – single term for the summary dismissal of a certifiable idiot

    “dormancy platform” – Jeff’s term for his bed

    “Scrote-watching-blanket” – convoluted term for Jeff’s ‘blankie’. Discovered his affinity for it while watching Jerry Orbach (aka “Scrote-face”) on Law & Order

    Don’t forget all of Jeff’s permutations for Law & Order: SVU, such as “Law & Order LMNOP”, etc.

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  60. BAT- big ass television
    snorkling- Andy looking for a place to sling pee
    Why am I thinking so hard?

    Isn’t there a kayism page floating around from the old site?

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  61. I actually had occasion to use a Kay-ism in a conversation the other day when, walking crossing a busy street in Baltimore, I almost had my “apple peeled.” Instead of being scared by my near death experience, I was excited for the opportunity to use such color terminology! “Hey! I almost got my apple peeled!” I only wish I’d been wearing my smoking fish tshirt at the time.

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  62. Jeff –

    Role call is effed up. I’m in Morgantown PA, not Morgantown WV. (I even pointed that out as you recall….) As for a comment, just put “Pennsyltucky”.
    Thanks!

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  63. A Kayism that must be included: “buzz-cut hicklets”.

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  64. a phrase i haven’t seen you use in years:

    “…was looking at me like i was wearing a suit made of turds!”

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  65. also any variation of the word ‘douche’ and anything that involves ‘much hand-wringing’

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  66. I read 7 years of updates (all on company time) to get caught up

    Thanks, Brian. We can blame the entire economy on you!

    I suspect as others have, that Nancy & Nostrils have met some Canada people who have access to the internet and used the ol’ WebMD to look up symptoms. There is a good chance that the descriptions of the translucents and associated smells led them right to the WVSR.

    Thanksgiving ought to be a hoot. By then they will have had time to read 7 years worth of updates.

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  67. Reading from Mt. Airy MD.

    Assplosion
    Half-shirt

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  68. Ii was curious after the day befores mention(well probably the naked Japanese women), but upon reading the referenced story, maybe there is some residual nucular effect over there. Good lord, some of the titles are unbelieveable. And the quote ” oh, god, i”m going to be sick again”. Again, hell I’d only hit myself in the head with a hammer once, it hurts, stop it stupid. Damn, I don’t think I’ m going to get some of those titles out of my head for days. God knows what I”ll end up dreaming tonight.

    Thanks bunches Jeff.

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  69. “Deader than Kelsey’s nuts” was a phrase we used to see a lot. From the context one could gather that the subject of the phrase, usually a home appliance, computer or automobile had stopped working. I liked that phrase but it’s kind of vague — I think Jeff explained it once but I forget its origin.

    A better West Virginia Surf Report-ism was to say that the item ( appliance, computer, car ) has “shit the bed”. While “Kelsey’s nuts” is overly vague, to say that something has shit the bed paints the clearest picture imaginable. I think they’re both worthy of inclusion in a glossary

    Willie Williams – Hats off to ya for your suggestion

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  70. Nancy – Sister in law to Jeff. Hippie that blames everything on G.W Bush, America, and societal norms. Known for armpit hair and being “married” to Banana Nostrils by an actor while naked on a beach surrounded by stray dogs (and possibly stray dongs).

    Banana Nostrils – Brother in law to Jeff. A professor in Canada, married to Nancy. Known for nostrils shaped like bananas, stealing underwear, exercising in underwear in front of others, frequent naps, leaving burn marks on counters, and his love of the greatest baseball player of all time, Carl Rappaport.

    Translucents – Children of Nancy and Banana Nostrils. Called Translucents for their see trough skin due to lack of nutrition. Known for taking shits that smell like molten metal and stick to the bowl as such.

    Carl Rappaport – Banana Nostrils name for Cal Ripken, Jr.

    Eninen – A name for Nancy and Banana Nostrils as a couple.

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  71. Re: Turd Cruller by Buck. After two years I’m still trying to learn the cast of characters, I meant Andy, but I’m really not sure who Buck is. A cheat sheet with the cast of characters would be welcomed.

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  72. Oh, and a brief description of what Jeff does for a living would be satisfying indeed.

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  73. Nossy- Another name for Banana Nostrils.

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  74. I totally concur with Doug about “buzz-cut hicklets”
    and Shit-nickle seems to pop into my head for some reason. Maybe it was shit-nipple, who knows.

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  75. Buck – Sportscaster (or is it broadcaster?) from West Virginia that wants to remain anonymous. Writes occasional column for the WVSR called “Straight from the holler”. Is known for pointing out that Jeff is a girlyman, and fake news articles about Mr. Kay.

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  76. I used “shit the bed ” to describe something my car did (die) on my blog. My husband told me to I shouldn’t use that phrase ever again and my best girlfriend just about shit herself laughing. It was truly affective.
    Thanks Jeff!

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  77. I find myself using “JeffKayisms” at work.
    I was asked a question of paramount stupidity the other day, my reply:

    “What, in the name of Sigmund the Sea monster’s sweet sainted Mother are you talking about?”

    Reading his writing is seeding my writing, I need to be careful lest I call my boss some manner of douche or shitlett!

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  78. No Piss Shivers but many hated Piss Sobers. “Shit the bed” is a new one for me, my nephew was using it at Christmas. I always say “Shit up my back” and thats when I’m really pissed off. Husband hates it but I think it’s a vivid statement.

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  79. I think my mom would be proud (for once) that I’ve accomplished something…(for once). I believe that I have become a “term” on the WVSR. How often does a man get to “define” himself…not often. Therefore for the WVSR Lexicon:

    BUCK: A disgruntled, malcontent redneck who’s misplaced in rural West Virginia, but living within the confines of suburbia in a housing development. He takes great pleasure in destruction of property, annoying his home owners association, observing neighobrhood fools, lusting after a widowed neighbor, and trying to debunk the myth that metrosexuality is a mainstream lifestyle.

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  80. Phantom ass syndrom

    Not to be confused with RC Collins Phantom nut society/charity

    Hammering doche

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  81. Well you can add me to the female list of shivers.

    As for references…wow…

    You’ve had so many good ones over the years I’m unsure of where to even start!

    Why don’t you make a permalink to the ‘suggestion’ list of references? I’m sure I’ll think of about 20 several weeks from now.

    I think this new list is something that needs to be allowed to grow as this website grows.

    Here’s the few I can add:

    Antibotics – A mish-mash of several uppers and downers taken by Sunny.

    Sunny – A not so sunny personality infused MIL (mother in law) that changes moods by taking several types of ‘antibotics’. A person known for inflating the Kay house electric bill 100%, and destroyer of AC units when she stays there in the summertime.

    Oh and as for N&N…Jeff I think you are SCREWED. I have a sinking suspicion that the translucents are going to be left at your house for you to watch over. Then the two of them will go to a hotel for an adult weekend.

    I know this first hand, because it’s something my SIL & BIL would do!

    Good luck. Remember to have some of Sunny’s ‘Antibotics’ ready!

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  82. Location: Austin, Texas. Jeff, I am a woman and I can tell you without a doubt that we do get the piss shivers. I have experienced it many times. I bet your cell phone minute usage is going to go up considerably when Eninen are visiting. I know they will be calling dozens of times from their hotel or hostel changing plans on you :)

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  83. “Scrote-watching-blanket” – I too would have liked this defined. I have always heard ‘scrote’ as a shortening of scrotum as in “Dayum, he got it right in the scrote”. Needless to say, I was a bit confused as to what exactly you were doing under that blanket.
    My favorite Jeffism was, I believe, used only once-jescobillies. I had to explain it to Mr. Moo as he was not fortunate enough to have been born in West-By-God-Virginia. I think you were describing the patrons of Knoebles:
    “On Saturdays and Sundays, for whatever reason, that place turns into a frothy sea of shitkickers, white trash, coal crackers, and fat little buzz-cut hicklets. The whole place becomes overrun by the loudest, scraggliest, fattest, skinniest, back porch tattooed, cig-dangling, perpetually pissed-off gang of jescobillies this side of Boone County, WV.”

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  84. too bad JK got rid of the rolling box of beds. It’s been a while since those were referenced.

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  85. oh, and don’t forget Surf Reporters…..

    today is “scream every fifth word” Thursday

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  86. It’s enough to send my hands WHIPPING through my hair…but ni=ot enough to cause an Ass-plosion.

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  87. I found and explanation of the “Kelsey’s Nuts” phrase if anyone cares to read it.

    http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-kel1.htm

    It sounds plausible.

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  88. Nocterna_Lerna-
    Please add yourself to Thursday’s Comments above….Austin needs another wierdo!

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  89. Someone finally mentioned Sunny- We have heard nothing in quite a while on that subject. What’s the deal. Has that landed on the list of topics Jeff must avoid?

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  90. This has been bugging me for a while. Jeff Kay can do no wrong in my book, you know. But it’s not “Cuppa” in the Cuppa Two Tree statement. It’s “Coupla, two, tree. I don’t know which Round-Head (Resident of NEPA) you’ve been talking to, but as a horrified Round-Head all my life, I’ve never heard it pronounced Cuppa. Always Coupla! But hey man, you invented ‘Scrote Watching Blanket’ so I’ll gladly defer.

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  91. O’l Black Lips

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  92. Long sleeve shirts! I’m having a panic attack!

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  93. Simply excentally……………I live for this
    I can’t have that………………I live for this
    S&M……………………………….Sunshine & Mumbles
    ESS………….Nossy’s debilitating Empty Sac Syndrome

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  94. I say let them figger ‘em out as they go. I’ve been smokin’ fish for a year or so and am pretty familiar with Jeff’s clan and his quotes. If ya can’t figger ‘em out, maybe you’re a candidate for the “Overlooked by Natural Selection” telethon… It’s being surprised by the quotes that I enjoy, having prescreened the jeffism list would have taken the fun out of it.

    I wouldn’t mind seeing a comprehensive list of Jeff’s beer reviews in one convenient location. (Or am I going to be featured on the aforementioned telethon, as the list already exists?).

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  95. shane – i have to disagree – i’ve spent quite a bit of time in NE PA and have only heard “cuppa…”

    LONG SLEEVE SHIRTS!!!!! YAY!!!!!

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  96. “Hot water bottle on his vagina” -

    A term describing Jeff’s effiminate brother in law.

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  97. I have never seen Jeff cave to pressure but you chodes who cant just do the cool thing and wear a long sleeve t-shirt under your smoking fish shirt have ended that.

    Joke’s on you tools, though, because Jeff is going to make a profit on your pathetic-ness and use it feed eninen a bag of stale air infused bean turds.

    Way to go!

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  98. Did someone say long sleeve shirts????? I say a little prayer every night before I go to sleep about long sleeve WVSR shirts.

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  99. Ordered!

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  100. what? where? how?

    I feel stupid.

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  101. Brandy-
    http://thewvsr.com/wvsrshirt4.htm

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  102. Tiff’s right on. If ya gotta go, it makes you feel like you need some.

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  103. What of it?

    I just thought of that one…

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  104. Anyone mentioned ‘mangina’ yet?

    Douchenozzle?

    I can’t recall, because I’m giddy over the LONG SLEEVE TEESHIRTS! Mowst excellent.

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  105. Pleased with the long sleeve shirt, too. And just in time for summer!! I kid, I kid . . .

    Anyway you could put the design on the BACK? I’m sick of people staring a my moobs.

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  106. Dogberryjr,
    Have you tried binding your moobs with duct tape? That’s what I do. This old standby also works well, “Uh, my eyes are up here, pervert.”

    [Reply]

  107. Jeff – you know I’m good for one.

    Jason – Won’t that get in the way of the squirrel hand nipple ring?

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  108. I’m full of tumors and don’t even know it.

    [Reply]

  109. Dear lord what have I gotten myself into? I can’t give too much detail but I am so grossed out from this morning at the hospital.

    It all started when a patient told me to “put some gloves on”.

    I had to help a 400 pound guy piss so we could measure what was coming out.

    He held up part of his belly while I held up his bellys belly which had to weigh at least 20 lbs, was purple, dimpled and looked and felt like a large brick (yes it was that solid) inside a sock made out of purple turkey skin with one hand while using the other to hold a piss jug up to his wangular area.

    As if that wasn’t bad enough right after I poured his piss in the toilet he let go with a silent fart that absoluetely blindsided me. I have a kid and large dogs and it wasn’t my first time in a hospital. Normally I can get past funky smells. But something about this one reallly got to me.

    I actually started to heave and for a moment thought I was going to puke in his sink.

    I mananged not to and then went to a staff bathroom to sort myself out.

    I really had to think about whether or not I wanted to be in this program.

    What a day.

    [Reply]

  110. Jorge, thank you for making me feel better about my day!

    [Reply]

  111. Jorge, I envy you not. That gave me the shivers just hearing about it. I can understand where you are coming from since I use to work in a group home with co-ed clients and had to assist them with all sorts of things that no one should be subjected to without medical license. We had one older client that was going through alzhiemers and he would call for you them when you came in he would stand up and pee on his bed. Some days, his aim was way off and you got it. Then he would get mad at himself and cuss you out or say “Dammit, Leave me alone n-word”. Lots of tongue biting and patience were required.

    [Reply]

  112. @Jorge – hows the classes going? I just finished my midterms yesterday. Luckly, I only have one APA paper to do this quarter in HUM400.

    [Reply]

  113. Jorge, did you notice if the big guy had a little shiver after he pissed?

    [Reply]

  114. @Jorge
    Now that’s the most disturbing i’ve read on the internet.

    [Reply]

  115. Jorge…all that’s nice and I understand you “can’t give too much detail”…(TF!!)…but, all farting aside,… did he piss shiver? You were on the verge of medicial discovery and your case entry discribes a fart.

    [Reply]

  116. I don’t recall a piss shiver, but it may have been masked by my full body shudder.

    Shiny Rod- I write one to three APA papers a week. I have a 2-3 pger due on Tuesday, a 1-2 pgr and a 10-15 pger due on Thursday of next week.

    I use an MS word add in that does all the formating for me and even builds the bibliography, so I do is fill in the blanks and type.

    [Reply]

  117. You can make yourself shiver by stopping the piss mid-stream. If you do it fast enough (start-stop-shiver, start-stop-shiver, etc) you can coax yourself into orgasm.

    Make sure you’re hanging on to a handicap rail or something though. I just busted my head open on the toilet tank.

    [Reply]

  118. He said wangular, huh, huhhuhuh…

    [Reply]

  119. What? I’m pretty sure that’s what they called it in Anatomy and Physiology class.

    [Reply]

  120. ‘wangular’…”It’s an industry term”.

    [Reply]

  121. I ordered a long sleeve cuz I like to be different, I like to support the little guy (…ahem…) and I live in Canada. The estimated shirt-order-count was already at 20, + mine makes at least 21 so I’d say the long sleeves are a go!

    [Reply]

  122. Jeff—
    I just could not do the long-sleeved t.
    S GA .. it will be avg 80 here in a few weeks.
    Bad timing?
    I have the short sleeved.
    It rocks.
    Long sleeved I wanted about 3 months ago.
    Not so much now

    [Reply]

  123. I’m in Florida. I need a WVSR tank top…

    [Reply]

  124. Oh, God. It finally happened. The translucent kids have finally started doing stuff that gets the attention of Enanen!
    They can’t stay at your house because they figure that the neighbors will call the cops when the eldest translucent goes running down the street nude and cradling a Hannah Montana blanket.
    Or, maybe they’ve been reading about themselves here?

    [Reply]

  125. Can you get the shivers from THICK PISS?

    [Reply]

  126. I got my order in. Brandy I’ll be in Gainesville in a couple weeks for the drag races. See you there?

    [Reply]

  127. I’m with Brandy-let me know when you cave and offer tanks or v-necks. Can’t stand things touching my neck.

    [Reply]

  128. I believe the correct marketing term will be the WVSR Logoed Wife Beater!!!!

    [Reply]

  129. Squeezed and pulled and hurt my neck.

    [Reply]

  130. @Buck -A-shirts

    [Reply]

  131. @Jorge – let me know where to get the APA plugin, I could use that for the paper I have due in 2 more weeks.

    [Reply]

  132. Sounds like a few people here are dealing with a lot of piss at work. I work in a hospital and would prefer piss anyday over a “code brown”.

    [Reply]

  133. looking at the shirt count so far – would it be mean to say – jeff -we told you so!!!

    [Reply]

  134. Shiny Rod- PERRLA.com. It was $30 well spent.

    [Reply]

  135. “Danny Maverick” = a hated commentor.

    what’s up old school?

    [Reply]

  136. Union City, Pa….No, our reputation is NOT true.

    [Reply]

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Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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