It was an odd weekend. On Thursday/Friday we were hammered with what’s got to be one of the three most over-the-top snowstorms of my life, and the rest of the days were spent dealing with it, in one way or another.
When I was kid, in the 1970s, it seems like we were on the receiving end of several HUMONGOUS accumulations. But you know how memory can play tricks on ya, especially when it’s from the perspective of a little 10 year old booger factory. So, I’m not exactly sure where last week’s storm would fall in the all-time rankings, but it’s gotta be within the Top 3.
‘Cause the shit was ridiculous.
Toney and I went out to shovel the driveway late in the afternoon on Thursday, and it was quite a chore. It was already piled-up. And when we finally finished, we turned on the local news and they shouted, “The worst is yet to come!” They promised this was only, as the Brits would put it, the thin edge of the wedge.
And they were right. It snowed all evening, all night, and into the next afternoon. Just a continuous, heavy downpour. By the time we went outside for our second go-round, about 10 am on Friday, there was close to two feet on the ground. It was insane.
I had to cut a path from our porch to the driveway, and just that part kicked my ass. The snow was heavy, and there was tons of it. I had to dig a WWI trench through there, and hurl the diggin’s into the yard. It felt like my aorta was about to rupture.
Then we started on the driveway, and about ten minutes into it I said, “Screw this, the boys are helping this time.” I went looking for them, and they let loose with synchronized groaning when I told them the news.
And even with the four of us working ourselves into a lather, it took a long, long time. The whole thing sucked a thousand eggs.
The driveway is crazy, even a few days after the fact. It feels like we’re driving into a tunnel.
But on Friday we got cocky, and decided we needed to be rewarded for our hard work, and go to Moe’s for a late lunch. Yeah, and my car wouldn’t move an inch. The front wheels just spun on the snow, and my eyes were going all Marty Feldman on me.
After much extra-digging, the tires finally found something they could grip, the car jerked violently to the left, and we were on our way.
The parking lot of the restaurant was a mess, and there were no other vehicles. “It looks like they’re closed,” Toney said. But I was having none of that, and asked the oldest boy to go check the door.
They were indeed open, with one loyal employee holding down the fort. So we ordered our Nerf football burritos, the employee told us the story of digging out her car at 7:30 am, and how it sucked ten thousand eggs. And as we took our seats in a booth by the window, it started snowing again. Big time.
That evening we all watched Fletch, via Netflix streaming, and everybody enjoyed it, except Toney. She fell asleep. Later, I let Andy out to sling some urine, and he was alarmed by the fact that our front yard was now above his head. He had to climb straight-up to get off the sidewalk.
Eventually he fashioned himself a urination pit, which he’s still using (reluctantly). I don’t think he’s taken a dump since Thursday morning. Every time he goes out into the yard it looks like he’s swimming in the ocean, and he quickly says fukkit.
The next day I was starting to feel the onset of cabin fever, and told Toney I needed to get out of the house. Except for the quickie visit to Moe’s the previous afternoon, I’d been a homebody for more than two days. And I’m just not wired that way.
She said she had to do this and that, and the older Secret needed to be somewhere else, etc. So the younger boy and I went out, with no particular place to go.
We ended up at the mall, which was complete pandemonium. The parking lot was one big sloppy mess, and we had to park far from the building. Apparently I wasn’t the only one starting to develop The Fever?
I bought us two Oreo Blizzards at Dairy Queen, and we both eventually got haircuts, if you can believe it. That’s how bored we were, we were out buying haircuts on a whim.
My so-called stylist had a foul mouth, and used at least twenty curse words during the procedure. Not twenty different ones, but twenty individual instances. I’d never seen her before in my life, and she was cussing like a sailor. “My next-door neighbor is a real blue-ribbon bitch I tell ya…” and that sort of thing.
Needless to say, it was cool with me. No need to hold back on my account.
Then we went to Sam’s Club, which was also pandemonium. We tried to look at the TVs and computers, but there were so many walls of assy-denim in our way, I couldn’t take it. So, I purchased a pillowcase full of salted peanuts in the shell, and we fled that crazy scene.
Our next stop: Border’s. And there were literally no open parking spaces in the lot, not one. “How much you wanna bet all these people are in the coffee shop, eating and drinking and looking at magazines?” I asked the Secret.
And I was right. The coffee shop was PACKED, and the actual book part of the store wasn’t. I somehow knew folks didn’t just suddenly become literary, it was all about food and beverages and blurbs about Johnny Depp.
Oh, a few might’ve attempted to be sophisticated, because of the surroundings: “Yes, I just finished reading a blue book. I can’t remember the title, but the cover was blue. Much, much better than the green book I read last year. Far superior…”
Perhaps I’m being unfair?
Anyway, we didn’t buy anything there, but purchased two cheeseburgers and some fries at Five Guys, a little while later. And mine was good, but the onions were way too strong, and cut in big ol’ thick chunks. I like onions, but had to remove ’em from my burger, and it threw off the entire calibration.
On our way home I bought a twelve pack of Yuengling Black & Tan, and called it a day. And before I knew it, it was Sunday afternoon and time to return to work. It felt like I’d just left that place. It seemed like I didn’t have a weekend at all. Grrr….
How was yours? Did you do anything interesting? Tell us about it, won’t you? Also, if you have any personal stories to tell about over-the-top weather events, we’d like to hear (read) those as well.
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.