An Inventory of Injuries, More Interstate Trouble, and Dead People of the Near Future
You know what else pisses me off? When people have a well-rehearsed inventory of medical procedures they’ve undergone, as a result of some sort of catastrophic injury, or whatever. They always recite it expertly, thanks to years of honing via repetition, and it’s usually filled with lots of dramatic and arcane asides.
It generally goes something like this (in a nonchalant no-big-deal voice):
“I’d been driving for thirty hours straight, trying to get back home before my Nanna Beaverpelt died, and I fell asleep outside of Ass, Tennessee. The cops said I must’ve been traveling at eighty mph when I crashed through the guard rail, and my car rocketed off a small hill and rolled fifty yards. They said if I’d gone through twenty feet earlier or twenty feet later, I would’ve died instantly.
“They airlifted me to a trauma center in Rotten Jaw, and I had three surgeries during the first 24 hours. During the first operation I died on the table twice, and the doctor was across the room signing the death certificate after the second flat-line, when my heart suddenly started beating again. Later he told me that in thirty years of practicing medicine he’d never seen anything quite like it.
“They had to completely rebuild my torso, and I have the equivalent of half a Ford Taurus in my left leg; that’s how much metal is in there. I have seven rivets here, two titanium rods here, a network of lines and pulleys in my pelvis, my spine is made entirely of tempered glass, I can’t lift my left arm any higher than this, and because of all the skin grafts I now have armpit hair growing on my forearm.”
After it finally ends, there’s always an extended pause where everybody is supposed to react with horror and amazement. But, of course, I refuse. And then I start calling him Seven Rivets behind his back…
I think it’s the nonchalant part that bothers me. Ya know? If they told the same story, but approached it from a “that shit was scary” perspective, it would probably be OK. But that super-casual, no-big-deal affectation bugs me. So, they’ll get nothing from me, dammit.
A few days ago I was on my way to work, and raided my lunch bag again while driving. Hey, a person needs to maintain his energy level… I grabbed a granola bar, and was munching it while navigating I-81, aka The Devil’s Parkway.
And there’s a commercial on the radio where two people are talking about going on a cruise. Who the hell knows? I barely listen. But I think they’re the hosts of the morning show, and are offering some kind of Caribbean cruise, where listeners can join them, or somesuch.
Anyway, the woman is listing all the ports of call, and does that really pretentious thing where a person rolls their Rs. You know, to sound sophisticated ‘n’ shit? And when she says “Peurrrrto Rico,” I always imitate her, involuntarily. I have no control over any of this, I just instantly say the same words, in the same way.
And when I did this over the weekend, a hunk of granola bar, or possibly a chocolate chip, went blasting into my sinuses. I started hacking and coughing and snorting and blowing, and probably could’ve ended up with a spine made of tempered glass.
But I was able to maintain, thank you very much. Even with a raisin behind my eyes… But I should probably keep my hand out of the lunch bag, shouldn’t I?
And speaking of that, I’m going to meet Toney for lunch. So I need to cut this one a little short. I’ll leave you now with a Question suggested by my brother. I don’t think we’ve done this before, and I find it amazing.
In the comments section, please tell us which famous people you predict will die in 2011. You know, the standard dead pool… I’ve got nothing prepared, but have a feeling you guys will come up with some interesting names.
And in a year we can go back, and see who had the most number of correct guesses. I suppose there should be a maximum number of names allowed? How about no more than five per person? Then we’ll review it all next December.
However, I hope to be back earlier than that. Like tomorrow, in fact. So, I’ll see you guys then.
Have a great day!
Filed under: Daily
This is such a ridiculous time within which to be alive.
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Aretha Franklin…. Assuming she makes it out of 2010.
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Brett Favre will die in 2011
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Emily Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Can I second that? Just so long as he doesn’t decide to retire and unretire for the 400th time!
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kristin Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 1:55 pm
All the Vikings may well die in 2011, and be reborn as the Omaha Huskers or some damn thing.
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shinywilly Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 3:32 pm
Oh, how I hope this comes true!
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Joe T. Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:44 pm
Is Roman Gabriel still alive? If so, I vote for him.
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The Qweezy Mark Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Still alive.
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CADude Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 4:33 pm
Is Roman Gabriel still a celebrity?
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Malcolm Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 5:37 pm
No.
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Top 10! – it’s been awhile.
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
Rodney Allen Rippy
Mason Reese
Webster
Patty Duke Austin
…all goners
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I think that the Captain and Tenille will both pass away at exactly the same moment (but in different geographic locations) during 2011. The press will have a field day covering this bizarre-but-true story.
Also, Christopher Knight (who played Peter Brady of the Brady Bunch) will go to be with his heavenly Father in 2011. Cause of death: Sheer grooviness.
Finally, Dennis the Menace is going to kick the bucket in 2011. His neighbor, Mr Wilson, will finally get some goddamn peace!
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top ten!! I predict one of the Gabor sisters. Whatever one is still alive.
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Anybody else find it freaky that Steve Landesberg died, but Abe Vigoda still lives?
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Efward Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Abe Vigoda will bury the entire cast of Barney Miller. It’s been foretold in the bible.
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Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-il on the crazy ass dictator side of things,
BB King and Willford Brimley, cause of their dia-beat-us and to wrap things up
Lance Armstrong – freak biking accident – wotta doucheberg.
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Oooh, I LOVE playing the dead game! (Best celebrity death site is Findadeath.com, BTW)
My friend & I play this every year & we do two “old” celebrities but then we throw a “shocker” one in there. Can be old, can be young, but someone you wouldn’t expect to croak. My guesses are:
Betty White
Dick Clark
Michael Vick (I can only hope!)
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Henderson Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 1:51 pm
Actually, I think Betty White died back in the 70′s. She’s looked EXACTLY the same for the last 40 years. I’m guessing she made a deal with the devil and has been a zombie all this time.
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Melissa Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 1:54 pm
I love watching old episodes of The Match Game when she still has the white bouffant & old lady outfits. Then the Golden Girls. You can’t mistake her during any decade in her career, that’s for sure!
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Gretchen Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Hey fellow Death Hag!
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Melissa Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:15 pm
Ha! Hello lovie! I’ve been a Death Hag for several years & have the bumper sticker to prove it! Just today I read the bio (are they bios?) on the Heave’s Gate wackos. I adore findadeath!
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Gretchen Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:28 pm
I’ve been a Death Hag for a few years myself. Don’t have the bumper sticker, though. If I ever find myself in Hollywood I’m totally taking his tour.
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johnthebasket Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:31 pm
Clueless as usual. What, in heaven’s name, is a Death Hag?
jtb
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Gretchen Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Just a fan of Findadeath.com.
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madz1962 Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:43 pm
I’m a Death hag, too! And, ok, the morbid side of me is shining through, but I secretly enjoy the really grotesque pictures. Chris Farley particularly sticks with me.
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Gretchen Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Shit yeah, those Farley pics were brutal. Should be used for anti-drug posters.
So there’s three Death Hags on here and counting. How did that happen? Somewhere there’s a statistician and a psychologist who can work this all out.
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CADude Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 4:38 pm
I’ll be the statistician.
So far there are 3 death hags here.
How am I doin’?
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Son of Sam Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 4:43 pm
again this is why I come here
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Gretchen Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 6:37 pm
I’m sure statisticians everywhere will be thrilled to know they can stop analyzing their data now and merely count.
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CADude Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 3:19 pm
You want analysis?
Damn.
OK. Here you go:
We have one Death Hag with a name that starts with G, which name contains 8 total letters. That name is a sure giveaway for the Hag’s ancestry.
Another Hag has name that starts with M, with 7 total letters (which name also includes the famous “ss” as seen in “Mississippi”).
And a third Hag’s name also starts with M (perhaps a statistical anomaly, given the small sample size. That issue will take more analysis), whose name has been shortened, and whom you may call “Maddie” at your own risk.
I believe that’s enough analysis for now, thankyouverymuch.
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Melissa Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 3:42 pm
I love the Chris Farley pictures. The worst pics on the site have to belong to Jeffrey Dahmer. Scott gives plenty of warning but it is still bad. The saddest death photo by far has to go to Anna Nicole Smith (at the bottom) unless he has removed them. They are of her cradling her dead son & crying. Very hard to look at. He didn’t want to post them so he may have taken them down by now.
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Melissa Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 5:12 pm
I had a coworker who insisted she was not interested at all in reading about deaths but lo & behold, several weeks later I started getting random texts saying ‘OMG, did you read the death bio about Tattoo from Fantasy Island? What a crazy!’. Turns out she checked out one story then spent an entire weekend doing nothing but reading all the celebrities in the database.
She is now a full-blown Death Hag. She & I want to take the tour together sometime since we live in So. Cal but time (and money) never permits. I will make it my mission in 2011 though!
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I know Betty White would be a shocker, but seriously, how much can one person at that age work?! She travels the world like Madonna & air travel can’t be good for that old gal’s circulation!
Oh, I am also hoping any one of the Palins will eat it at some point this year. Sweet, sweet justice would be a caribou ramming it’s antlers up MamaBears flat ass. And it would make for great TLC watching.
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this game will be easier in 2012 because the answer will be (according to the Mayans) ALL OF THEM!
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Nelson Mandela
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Jeff…
It’s things like ” Ass, Tennessee” that remind me that you are the master and I am a pupil.
jtb
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I was thinking about this just this morning. Don Rickles popped into my head. Zsa Zsa Gabor is a safe bet.
Billy Graham (the preacher, not the Superstar wrassler) is not looking too chipper these days, but does it really count if he dies? He’d just be attaining eternal life.
And speaking of the well-rehearsed injury report, my wife basked in the glory of nearly losing her thumb 10 years ago. She contracted an infection from a manicure. They took most of the meat and the nail bed from the thumb. It was ghastly, but GET OVER IT. Every time we saw someone, she’d launch into the gory details. I’d just walk away.
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Jersey Don's Kid Reply:
December 23rd, 2010 at 7:53 am
Oh Sweet Fancy Moses. I had just gotten my license at that point, and had to play step and fetch it while she was on her death bed. And then from some awful place she conjured up pictures of the whole debacle. Looked like an exploded kielbasa. And they were handed out like baseball cards.
One particularly well rehearsed part of the story was regarding the “Hack job” the Dr., forever referred to as Dr. McShit, performed. It was said that he removed the bandages by grabbing one end of the bandage and spinning her on a stool, like unwrapping a Scooby Doo mummy.
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Jersey Don's Kid Reply:
December 23rd, 2010 at 8:11 am
And Dad, hate to say it but Superstar Billy Graham isn’t doing so hot either.
In a related area, I’m going with Hulk Hogan. 2 Back surgeries in 6 weeks. He is in trouble. It wouldn’t be a normal year if several seemingly healthy wrestlers die suddenly.
Maybe we’ll get lucky and lose Wolf Blitzer this year. And his stupid beard.
But I would happily give the entire roster of the NY Giants, Jets, and Yankees, as well as both Kidneys if we could just get rid of Nancy Grace and as many of the Real Housewives as possible.
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I’d second Fidel and Kim Jong-Il, if I didn’t suspect they were already dead.
We play so that each person gets 10 names, and you rack up points by subtracting the person’s age from 100. You can choose one person who you wish _would_ die, and you get double points for that one.
Stucking with 5, I’ll nominate:
Jimmy Carter
Ernest Borgnine
Nancy Reagan
Amy Winehouse
Andy Rooney*
*man, I hate that guy.
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kristin Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:05 pm
p.s. Abe Vigoda will never die!!
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kristin Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Sticking! not stucking….dammit.
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Can’t stand those “one more centimeter to the right, and I wouldn’t be here” statements. I just roll my eyes and involuntarily moan out “oh, again with the measurements!”
2011 Dead Pool:
Jimmy Carter
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Billy Graham
George H.W. Bush
Jerry Lewis
and the upset pick of the year:
Mel Gibson
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Melissa Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Mel’s been on my list for like four years now. This is the first year I’ve gone & removed him, so now I know that bastard will croak.
George H.W. or Barbara are great picks!
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Jersey Don Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 3:27 pm
Mel’s a good pick. I’d take Lindsay Lohan as a dark horse candidate. The younger generation has to be repped on the list.
Ernest Borgnine is getting up there in years, although he attributes his longevity to beating off daily.
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Wait, wait. I just read we get 5 choices! Sweet Jesus, I’m fainting. So many celebrities to choose from that narrowing it down to two more guesses is difficult….but here goes:
Carol Burnett
Tracy Morgan (Sad to say, but he’s had secret health issues for some time….boo!)
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JCIII…
I have no idea why I’m feeling persnickety today.
Patty Duke was married to John Astin (I’m Dickins, He’s Fenster, The Addams Family) who is also still alive at 80. To my knowledge, they never lived in Austin. In any case, they divorced in 1985, and Patty soon dropped the Astin. (actually, I have a slightly dropped Astin myself).
In 1986, Patty married a drill sergeant and moved to Idaho (I assume to drill at all the military bases there). For a time, she went by her original first name, Anna. An early autobiography is named, “Call Me Anna”. In some circles, she is Anna Duke-Pearce. She was never an Austin. And she’s only 64, a mere chicklet. Why would she shove off so soon?
I forgot what my point was going to be. Go in peace.
jtb
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Melissa Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
She lives in Ketchum, ID, but for years lived in Coeur D’Alene. She was neighbors with my aunt & they became very close. In fact, my aunt used to love the Patty Duke show but never realized that was her neighbor! It was so funny because one year my family went up there for XMas & my dad immediately picked up on it because he did a documentary with Patty years earlier. They were catching up & all of a sudden you could see the light bulb snap on in my aunt’s head & she screamed out “No way! No way! NO FRIGGIN’ WAY!”.
It is also weird now because although my aunt & her are still friends I watched Sean Astin in ‘Lord of the Rings’ & cracked up because he was a chubby kid when I knew him & he was a chubby guy in the movie. He, Mackenzie Astin, my bro & I would play Monopoly for hours while the adults gabbed about crap in the living room. I wish I would have kept up with him. I would’ve paid HIM to take me with him during filming so I could try to bed Orlando Bloom. *Sigh…
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Melissa Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Sad factoid: Patty Duke’s step-daughter Raelene was killed in a car accident driving back from a skiing trip (she wasn’t driving). It took like three days for the car/bodies to be found & we happened to be up there at that time. It was sad because her husband got the call while they were over @ my aunt’s for a dinner that his daughter was missing. Then we waited with them trying to help & were in their living room when they got the call she was found. It was awful. I felt so bad for all of them.
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johnthebasket Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:29 pm
Melissa…
That is a very cool story. Patty Anna Duke Astin Pearce has had a rough life, with severe bipolar disorder and very difficult parents. She deserves a little peace in Idaho or wherever she chooses. While I’m not familiar with Orlando Broom, I think it’s hot that you played games with the Astin kids and got to know Patty/Anna. Thanks for sharing the story.
jtb
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johnthebasket Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Melissa…
Timing is everything. I wrote my reply while you were writing your self-reply. Obviously, I wasn’t responding to the family tragedy as “cool” since I was unaware of it while I was writing.
jtb
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JCIII Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Jesus fuckin Christ, I’m sorry I brought it up. Scratch her off the list, she’s not going to go. Matter of fact she’ll live to be a hunnert an tree
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WB in OH Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Orlando Bloom is okay but if you want my take on it, I would choose to bed Miranda Otto if we’re picking from the cast.
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Jenny Piccalo Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Orlando Bloom , I will even take sloppy seconds !
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 3:47 pm
Uh, Jenny…in this case I don’t think there would be…oh, never mind.
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Jenny Piccalo Reply:
December 23rd, 2010 at 2:42 am
REALLY chuck ? *smirk*
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Tracy Morgan received a kidney transplant in the last 10 days, and his prognosis is good. Just tune to this station for all the Hollywood news, because I’m fuckin’ plugged in. If you want to know about anybody under 60 or so, I’m probably not your guy. The Tracy Morgan thing was a fluke.
jtb
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Melissa Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Yeah, I’m glad his surgery went well. He was my surprise pick because I’ve read/heard news stories (especially when Bernie Mac died suddenly) that Tracy has a chronic illness that when at first diagnosed was not given a good prognosis for. The kidney surgery was necessary but unfortunately others may follow. I sure hope he doesn’t go because he is one great actor.
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johnthebasket Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 3:47 am
Bernie Mac died?
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madz1962 Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 10:49 am
Last year? 2 yers ago? yeah – it was pretty sudden. He was definitely a “WTF, he DIED?” kind of story.
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Deaths in 2011:
Jerry Lee Lewis
Andy Griffith
Florence Henderson
Sonny Shroyer
Brent Musberger
Cathy Lee Crosby
Kevin Tighe
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Lindsay Lohan
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Thank you, Dorothy. I never turn down a compliment from a real dame. Also, glad to reaffirm that you are on the side of justice and mercy. Take that gigolo out to lunch and grab his crotch to remind him what a lucky man he is. Just an idea.
jtb
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Ernest Borgnine
Ralph Waite (Daddy Walton)
Pete Townsend
Cindi Lauper
Dick Cheney
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Rick Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Technically, Dick Cheney is probably already dead since he is running on a diehard but let’s hope he makes in official in 2011.
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Keith Richards
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Joe T. Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Never….it’s impossible.
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Melissa Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 5:13 pm
I think Robin Williams said it best when he claimed that the only thing left when humankind dies off will be Keith Richards and cockroaches.
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T. Farty McAppleass Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Keith Richards has been dead for years. But nobody has the heart to tell him.
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Great update! Funny as hell. And let me tell you…I hear shit like that all the time working in a medical office. There are people out there who make it their life’s work going from doctor to doctor to add to their medical resume.
I have to go with the former First Ladies ….Barbara Bush and Nancy Reagan.
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I second Lindsay Lohan.
My next guess would be Michael Douglas.
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Vicki Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 3:50 pm
So right on Mike. I see the magazine covers and go “damn, dead man walking.”
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Liz Taylor
Alan Alda
Dick Van Dyke
Maureen o’Hara
and for the “Holy shit? He DIED?” shocker:
Keanu Reeves
A little off topic but kinda tied togethe r- I can’t stand when people rattle off their health problems – many of which could be cured if they got off their asses, lost weight and or quit smoking. “I have diabetes, chronic lung disease and a leaky nipple.” and they say it with PRIDE.
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Melissa Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 3:45 pm
Ooooh, Keanu is a good one! He’s been toeing the cray-cray line for a while now. It was sad when his baby died, then he lost the mother of that child so soon after. Sad all the way around.
I remember when Heath Ledger died & it took me like four days reading the headlines for it to sink in that he really did die. So very sad.
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PS – Nanna Beaverpelt – fantastic!
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Randy and Evi Quaid . The “Star Whackers” will get them for sure.
Jim Morrison (about time)
Elvis
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CitizenX Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 10:47 pm
I agree. Was gonna post Quaid but did the good ole Ctrl+F and BAM! you were on top of it.
He is not freaking out. He knows whats coming.
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Tupac.
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I have a neighbor who is on about a dozen and a half different meds each day. She can’t wait to tell you of her latest near-death scare. And there seems to be one life-threatening challenge per week. At least.
Hmmm…that extra 75 pounds you are carrying around wouldn’t have anything to do with it would it? Or that twelve pak of Coke Zero per day?
Celebrity death-watch:
Michael Douglas
Martin Milner
Betty White
Bob Newhart
Alex Karras
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madz1962 Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Don’t you love the addicted ones? Then they bitch how much it costs at the pharmacy. I really feel like telling them “why don’t you just open a vein?”
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Bush/ Chaney sounds like it could happen again. Betty White Naw she is in Cleveland now…
Charlis Sheen has a shot at it.
Martin Sheen also..
Michael Douglas or Brett Farvre bringing up the rear
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Yeah, I have one of those horror medical stories, too. Want to hear it? Too, bad–here goes. Generally all I say about it is my BAC was .27 but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t driving. I have vague recollections of coming to from the haze and two big orderly types holding me down while some orthopaedic guy drilled through my leg with a 1 foot long drill bit with a regular heavy duty type drill and no anesthesia (BAC .27 remember.) Mikita drill I think it was. But, that coulda been a dream or hallucination.
Oh, yeah, My mama used to tell every one that she didn’t even know I knew those cuss words and how embarassing it was to hear them screamed by her pride and joy in a drunken rage in the trauma center where they were trying to save my life.
I was in traction for 3 months and had 7 broken bones. I try to avoid being involved drinking and driving most of the time now. I guess you could say I learned a lesson.
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Oprah Winfrey
Ryan Seacrest
Ozzy Osborne
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Kristen Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 4:24 pm
I can’t tell you how much I hope you’re right about Oprah.
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hardoxdan Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 9:42 am
I second the motion.
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Jenny Piccalo Reply:
December 23rd, 2010 at 2:51 am
Oh no I love Oprah and Ozzy . Why do people hate Oprah , that baffles me , she is self made , from humble beginnings , a great humanitarian and a wonderful role model for women ….just curious why do you not like her ? Ozzy love his music and he is hilarious but I can understand why he is not everyones cup of tea.
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Def Lindsay Lohan… I agree totally.
Keith Richards
Rick Perry (ok, wishful thinking on that one)
Gwen Stefani
Michael Douglas
Liz Taylor
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This was one of the funniest updates ever.
On my death watch for 2011, and I promise I won’t kill any of them,…
Charlie Sheen
Glenn Beck
Barbra Streisand
Michael Moore
Fabio
and my “wtf” death pic…
Jessica Simpson
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zoe Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 6:21 pm
Er, that’s “pick”. I don’t have a picture. Or do I?
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and to balance out the hateful left:
Nancy Pelosi
Harry Reid
Anthony Weiner
Al Sharpton
Ed Schultz
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hardoxdan Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 9:49 am
Add
The Reverend Jackson
Pres. B. Hussein
Chuck Schumer
Chuck Rangel
Henry Waxman
Maxine Waters
My list could go on for another 50 lines.
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Who will die huh? Not to far from watching people get hanged, like in the old days.
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Too, you dumbass.
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I have only one:
- Burt Bacharach
Then they can sprinkle his (star)dust.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor
John Goodman
Ernest Borgnine
Dick Clark
Don King
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zoe Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 6:20 pm
Good call on Goodman. He’s been on borrowed time for years even after that weight loss. Drop in the bucket.
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Richard Marx
Dave Attell and Chapelle in the D&D smackdown
Jack Osbourne
Josh Hartnett
The surviving members of the OJays
Bill Keene
Joey Fatone
Craig Kilbourne’s soul
Bobby Jindal
Bubba Smith
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Tonight on ESPN:
2010 Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl
You’re fuckin’ kidding me with this one, right?
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Gretchen Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 11:33 pm
I kept reading it and thinking it was gonna be a Tom Brady talk show where he gripes about his hair or something. That’s probably really what he’s been screaming about on the sidelines these days.
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The Queen of England, Australia and Canada, etc.
The Pope
John Travolta
W.
well, that takes out a major figure in the anglican, catholic, scientlogy, and born again faiths, so to even it out, reluctantly, representing the atheists like myself:
Christopher Hitchens, but I sure hope I’m wrong about that
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C. Everett Koop, Jack LaLanne, Phyllis Diller. Pat Robertson too, one can but hope.
I said “butt hope”.
.
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Here are my guesses:
Randolph Mantooth (i still watch him on the retro channel)
abe vigoda (gotta happen sometime)
bill clinton
george bush the first
paula abdul
now i’m off to check findadeath.com i’ve been a fag hag..might as well be a death hag too.
(apparently being the best friend of a gay man made me a fag hag..i hate that term tho)
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Well this place has devolved into bashing religion and politics. Shame…some people just can’t help it I guess.
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Gretchen Reply:
December 21st, 2010 at 11:34 pm
Can’t we all just get along?!
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Uncle_Wedgie Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 12:58 pm
No
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Lou Holtz
Stan Musial
Bill Kreutzmann
George Jones
Bill O’Reilly
and a long shot…
Miley Cyrus
and I hope for none of these…cept maybe a lil for Bill O.
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I tried to keep politics off of mine but did add one. Not because of his politics (which I’m not a fan of) but because he’s an up and coming star and I’m seeing a Bobby Kennedy type situation.
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Paul Simon or Art Garfunkle
Michael Vick
Bill Clinton
The Queen of England
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All right, I’ll take a stab at it. And I’m sticking to the Entertainment and Sports fields.
George Lopez
Winona Ryder
Grace Slick
Danny Bonaduce
Ron Artest
and Ben Roethlisberger, because he always follows up Stupid with More Stupid.
I’d say Lindsay Lohan or Amy Winehouse, but those bitches just keep on surprising me.
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madz1962 Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 9:10 am
Grace Slick may be a good bet. She’s not looking too good these days.
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Lindsey Lohan
Michael Douglas
Robert Redford
Cher
Sylvester Stallone(plastic surgery mishap)
I just probably doomed myself. The Big Man is watching and tsk tsking me, I am sure.
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I think 2011 will be the year the “big one” hits SoCal, so the dead celebrity list will be massive. Lindsey Lohan will be in county lock up and will be one of the few to survive.
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Good Morning Surf Reporters…..
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A lot of you guys said “Dick Clark” – anyone going to watch and cringe on New Years?
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CADude Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 3:23 pm
I’m not sure I can bring myself to do that again. It’s just too damned sad, and I think I’ve used up my life’s allotment of cringing while watching him in the past.
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Joe Paterno…post Outback Bowl
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Merry Christmas everyone!
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fryguy Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 11:59 am
or your respective celebration!
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The Evil Twin Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 12:27 pm
I’m Agnostic, but during the Christmas season I often make a point to greet strangers with “Happy Birthday of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ!” just to piss off the PC nazis…
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It’s not gonna happen today, my friends. I’ll try to post an update when I get home from work tonight, but I won’t be able to finish one before I leave.
So, just keep on truckin’ with this tasteless and morbid exercise…
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I predict that the singer Charlene will go on to her heavenly reward in 2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7NFKwPWIJc
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Al Molinaro (Happy Days Al)
Kirk Douglas
Olivia De Havilland
Betty Ford
Nelson Mandela
And one wild card unexpected demise: Dog the Bounty Hunter
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Theresa Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 10:29 pm
LMAO Dog the Bounty Hunter, yeah I guess I can see that happening.
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People that are going to die in 2011
Rev Billy Graham
Andy Griffith
John Madden
Lady GaGa
Nancy Reagan
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See you fools Monday! Have a great Christmas if that’s your thing, or a great thing if not.
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In trying to figure a way to keep the catchy phrase, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, in the public eye, no deaths will be reported in 2011. After careful study, it was determined that most peolpe forget rather quickly who died. They also have trouble remembering if someone has died or not. An overwelming majority was found to rather not know if someone is dead because it would not change the way they feel about them. Others reflected similar views while saying,”Hey…if they’re dead…it’s their own business. I don’t need to know.”
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I have now made it safely to the other side of the state. Along the way I saw some Mennonites driving a Mercedes Benz. A Benz. Really? Somehow that seems to conflict with a rejection of the ostentatious. Perhaps they have formed yet a new sect: “Benzonites”.
Anyhoodle, this just came across the wire:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40789092/ns/us_news-security/
So there’s something else George Bush the Elder can add to his Ridiculous Shit that Goes Down Around Me list:
“Two days before Christmas 2010, and a Plymouth Barracuda is firmly wedged in my petunias.”
Show of hands, how many people think a can of Blatz Beer is jammed under the Barracuda’s gas pedal?
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Gretchen Reply:
December 22nd, 2010 at 11:28 pm
Or rather brake pedal. Dammit!
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johnthebasket Reply:
December 23rd, 2010 at 12:15 am
I was blissfully unaware they still made the Plymouth Barracuda. Come to think about it, I was unaware that Plymouth still exists as a company, much less a company which manufactures cars that fly onto the lawns of former presidents who are fond of land wars in Asia.
jtb
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Gretchen Reply:
December 23rd, 2010 at 12:32 am
Dunno if it’s still made or if the gearhead restored one, all I know is I’ve had Heart’s “Barracuda” stuck in my head for an hour now, alongside a mental image of Barbara Bush the Elder trying to “rock out with your cock out” (as the kids say). Emphasis on “trying”. Ow, I think I got hit with a metaphysical pearl.
Note: Long drives make me loopy, not political. Nothing in the prior posts should be taken as political commentary. Nothing by me, anyway.
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Some Guy on the Innernets Reply:
December 23rd, 2010 at 12:36 am
Oh great. Thanks. Just what I needed, a Heart song stuck in my head. I might have made it to sleep for the night without thinking of that…
btw, I think your beer bottle theory has merit. Wonder if we will ever learn more about the incident. Hmmm.
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Some Guy on the Innernets Reply:
December 23rd, 2010 at 12:33 am
I think a few of the Barracudas from the Sixties and Seventies have survived and are still somewhat serviceable. That might be what landed on the Bush lawn. Maybe the owner got a good deal on some barely used Toyota floor mats or something.
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Gretchen Reply:
December 23rd, 2010 at 12:41 am
Aw CRAP, another error of loopy-ness! It was W not the Elder. W probably would have thought it was cool like Dukes of Hazzard and asked to take a spin. That wrecks the Barbara Bush joke too. Man, I’m tanking tonight!
I’m going to bed.
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I don’t know which is more disturbing about the further evidence: The “Customers Who Bought Related Items Also Bought” list, or the eight pound shipping weight of the balls. In any case, the item review squibs are pretty funny.
jtb
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“the see-thru apparently tapped into some inner soy reserve, and bounced-back from his typhoid”
we all have blessings to count.
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Barack Obama
Nancy Pelosi
Barney Frank
Harry Reid
Anthony Weiner
In an unrelated story in 2012- the budget is balanced, unemployment is cut by two-thirds and the national debt is on its way back down.
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Elizabeth Taylor
Leslie Nielson
Jack LaLanne
Geraldine Ferraro
Zsa Zsa Gabor
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