An Apology, an Interview, and I Might Be Getting Old
I apologize for the No Update Wednesday this week. I’m going to try to keep it to a minimum, but there might be a few more missed days than usual for the next month or so. Lotsa shit going on…
First on the list: a hard deadline for my “book” is fast approaching. I need to have it completely finished and ready to hand over to the formatter on March 1. That means I only have about two more weeks to tweak and make changes. It’s completely terrifying.
Once she has it, and starts working her formatting magic, I can’t do anything else with it. It’ll no longer be a work in process, it’ll be “completed.” Whether or not it’s actually completed doesn’t really matter at that point. So, I’m stressing a little. Please be patient as I buckle under the pressure and crap myself with abandon.
And speaking of self-publishing a first novel, please read my interview with C.D. Payne, author of Youth in Revolt, at CrossroadsRoad.
I’d like to do plenty of interviews for that site, and have a list of people I’m planning to harass via email. C.D. was at the top of that list because his first novel is freaking hilarious, and he wasn’t able to find a publisher for it in the beginning. These are things that interest me… I appreciate him taking the time to answer my questions, and hope you guys enjoy it as well.
There’s a woman who sits near me at work who plays the worst songs ever recorded through her computer speakers. I don’t know if she bought a box set (K-Tel’s Audio Butt Turds volumes 1-4?), or what. But it’s all breathtakingly bad, and causes me to grind my teeth.
I usually don’t say anything, unless the volume is too high. She gooses it a little here and there, to see how far she can push it. And I eventually have to tell her to turn it down. But I don’t generally say anything about her song selection, even though it makes me want to start ripping wires from the wall.
She plays a bizarre mixture of horrible dance music (all featuring computer distortion of the vocals like Johnny Bravo), godawful commercial country (I hate country music that’s played on the radio worse than Hitler), and shitty oldies (like “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves”).
And when one of those current pop songs/dance tunes is playing, I find myself going fully rigid with aggravation, and thinking, “That’s not music, that’s just noise!” Like some old man shaking his fist on his front lawn. And even though I KNOW my assessment is correct, it concerns me that I’m starting to display old codger tendencies.
So, I started thinking about other things that might indicate a slide toward yellow slacks and The History Channel, and there are a few alarming developments:
- When they bring in pizza at work, or we order at home, I always look at it and think, “Man, I’m gonna pay for that later…” I still eat five or six slices, needless to say, but I worry about heartburn. It’s something I didn’t even understand ten years ago. Heartburn? Ha! That’s just another of those fake ailments people invent because they don’t have enough drama in their lives, I’d think to myself. And now it kicks my ass, and makes me whimper deep into the night.
- Whenever I get a haircut, the cigarette-voiced divorcee always says, “Do you want me to do your eyebrows?” And I usually freak out a little and make some joke about Andy Rooney and his crazy brows. And she always answers, “Who?” Oh, it’s a sad state of affairs… They sometimes shave my earlobes, too. Man, I haven’t had hair in new places since I was thirteen, and let me tell you, it’s still frightening.
- Also, when I get up in the morning, I almost always groan, “Ohhh, my aching feet” as I shuffle across the bedroom. It’s completely involuntary, and I feel sick about it afterward. Yes, this is what it’s come to.
And now I’d like to know that I’m not alone here. In the comments section, please tell us about the signs of aging that you’re seeing. I know some of you are young whipper-snappers, but maybe you’ve noticed something too? I have a feeling it’s a long, slow decline. Heh.
I’ll see you guys again on Friday.
Have a great day!
Filed under: Daily
First? And I even read the update!
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And, yeah, the older I get, the more my feet hurt. I’m also fatter than a southern sheriff, which doesn’t help…
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A strong aversion to the autotuned, sampled, uninspiring music young people are listening to these days. I’m afraid it might drive them away from grass and premarital sex.
jtb
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Chin hair. Shut up!
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I’ve been just a little bit cranky my whole adult life. So for me a sign of aging is that I’m more likely to let things go rather than get into, for example, a discussion about the foundations of the global ecomomy when people keep going to WalMart to buy shit from China. I’m about 40% less likely to address them as “trailer trash” than I was ten years ago. So I have that going for me.
jtb
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Placeholder. But yeah you’re old. Heartburn came to me a few years ago after margaritas chili or sucking a hot Mexican cock. Wait. What? I’m tolerant on music to a point. I’ve been at bars where they super saturated the juice box with 311 and or phish.
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Jason Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 6:56 pm
Sucking a hot Mexican cock. HAHAHA
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t-storm Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 6:59 pm
is there any other kind?
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I’ve been an old man since Jr. High. I hate loud music of almost any variety, bitch relelntlessly about loud music from cars, people in my home who don’t realize light switches are bidirectional, second hand smoke (aka the rancid stench of smouldering deathweed) and morons who obstrcut my path eb it on the street or just standing in the doorway of someplace I’m trying to exit or enter.
I also loudly announce to all around me that I’m about to sit or stand with a loud groan. Susally when I get up I also do it with the knucles of my right hand pressed into my lower back and a few limping steps as I get going.
As far as my GI system goes, I’m pretty sure I could eat a light bulb, so no issues there.
On the other hand, I’m a little more sensitive, less concerned with politics and much more self confident than I was 20 years ago.
And as soon as my barber retires I’m going to find someone who’ll knock back the eyebrows and ear lobes for me.
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The whole getting old thing is unsettling. I have a mustache and unless I wax it or remove it using some other method of torture, it just gets thicker and thicker until I have one that resembles Gene Shalit’s monster-stache.
My boobages have now introduced themselves to my stomach and are working their way toward my knees. When I do toe-touches, they touch my feet before my fingers do. They sleep in my armpits. It’s a pain in the ass really because I the armpit stubble gives them a razor burn and they permanently smell like Secret’s “Shower Fresh” scent.
I won’t even get started on the rest of it.
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Shiny Rod Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 8:34 am
Gonna take a lot to get that visual out of my head!
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Jason Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 3:02 pm
Wow. Reading that gave me a boner. Guess that means I’m getting old?
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I think havining my ballsack dip into the water while on the crapper is a sure sign of aging.
Top 10!!!
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Gretchen Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 7:30 pm
Do your balls hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder
Like a Continental Solider?
Do your balls hang low?
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johnthebasket Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 9:41 pm
I hope that was the Kinky Friedman version, but I can’t tell because my PC speaker control box is on the blink.
jtb
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dto Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 9:56 pm
I think Gretchen has changed the words a bit. I remember that tune as a kid and it was…”Do your tits hang low…” The rest of the tune stands as remembered. But hey…tits,balls, if they’re hangin’ low and you can tie ‘em…might as well sing about it.
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We went new car shopping last night–1st test was how easy it was to get in and out of– what with my hip and John’s shoulder and all.
Honda CR-V. Definite old lady car around here. I see more 50-60 somethings in them than beige Buicks.
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Root 66 Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 8:57 am
CR-V…does that stand for “Codger Roving Vehicle?”
I must admit however, the comfort of the ride and being able to enter/exit a car easily is very high on my car shopping list as well (along with a built-in 8-track tape deck!)
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Grey hairs appearing, total intolerance of teenagers, especially with the low pants, driving within the speed limit. and wanting to get drunk at home instead of at the pub. Oh and saying: “when I was your age….”Oh, God, no….
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Knucklehead Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 11:17 am
I REFUSE to see a grey pube, so I wax those fuckers.
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This could take a while.
I’m the first to admit that I abused my collectivie systems continually in my 20s, 30s and the first half of my 40s. Now, it’s all coming back to haunt me. Chronic bronchitis, due to years of smoking many different materials I’m sure. Not about to quit smoking Marlboros though, since I would just become Satan.
And I can count on the 3:00 a.m. piss every night, sending me back to bed with an hour of trying to get back to sleep. Gout, every time I eat pork. I want to cry now when they are passing out the BBQ pork samples in the grocery stores, but even if I ate a small amount, I would not be able to walk the next morning due to the heavy pain in my feet. All my fingers ache now, mostly due to uncontrolled punching of inanimate objects in the past. Back hair, ear hair, nose hair that seems to sprout out overnight. Vision gets noticeably worse every month. Weight that I can’t seem to lose for long, because it always comes back.
I quit wearing face and body piercing stuff years ago when I entered office work. Now, instead of the holes all closing up, as it would on most, they have gotten bigger and more noticeable. Bad knees, neverending sore neck muscles, inability to breathe at night unless I use nasal spray, which I have been addicted to for over 20 years now. High cholesteral, high blood pressure, daily hot and runnies.
However, still have a full head of hair and my woo-hoo still works great, so I can’t complain….except for all of the above mentioned.
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AWG – Damn man, you are getting old!!!
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AngryWhiteGuy Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 9:16 am
I know Shiny, it sucks ass. And to think just a year ago, I was in excellent shape, training for the Sheriff’s Department test, until Dr. Meatgazer put me on the cholesteral medicine and told me I could go any day. From that point, everything started spiraling.
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I LOVE the K-Tel reference! The fact that we even know what that is should encourage us all to do some “pre-planning” and make out our “bucket list!”
As far as aging goes, I have hair everywhere EXCEPT the top of my head. But the worst part is that the stuff on the sides is now getting pretty gray (including eyebrow hair.) Nose hair and ear hair however, is the worst! They must be kept in constant check! I haven’t yet begun to wear black Gold Toe socks with sandals and shorts, but I know it’s only a matter of time…
Healthwise, the only thing going south on me is the pain I have in my feet. Of course, if I wasn’t demanding that they carry around the weight of 1.5 people, then they might cooperate a little better!
Anybody have pillows or ball caps in the back window of your car yet? Is the car a Buick? Then it’s about time for your dirt nap!
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stray black (and gray!) hairs appearing on my chin, upper lip, and cheeks.
I can’t stand loud music.
quite a bit of sagging going on in the boob department
the inability to recover quickly from a night of drinking. I’m usually down for the whole next day.
my feet now fall asleep if I am sitting and have my legs in any other position than straight in front of me with my feet on the floor. I was alarmed at this new development but the doctor said there was nothing wrong with me. Just aging. At thirty one!
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A night out means I’m worthless the entire next day – and that’s just because of disturbed sleep patterns!
I think a sure sign of getting old is if you turn on any awards show except maybe the Academy Awards and you have no idea who those people are who are getting the statues. I’ve been ‘there’ for about 8 years now.
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I was just talking to my boyfriend this morning about this very subject. I can’t remember the last time I rolled out of bed in the morning and actually felt “good”. My body aches like I was in a fight during the night. My left hip is becoming more arthritic from 20+ years of teaching step aerobics and running. (I thought exercise was to keep you young and healthy…HA!)
My eye sight is another story. I have now donned reading glasses as with my contacts in I can’t see a menu at a restaurant. Without my contacts I can at least read a magazine but if you are standing across the room, I look like Mr. Magoo trying to identify you.
I used to think I was missing something if I didn’t go out both Friday and Saturday nights. Now I don’t give a shit. That makes it a little difficult with a boyfriend 16 years younger than me who still thinks he IS missing something. And when we do go out I’m ready to come home by midnight or so. Enough is enough. And in the summer when we’re out riding with a group, the party never fucking ends. Fri through Sunday and a few days during the week.
But I think what bothers me the most is my weight. I lose 10 lbs…I gain 15 lbs…I lose 8, I gain 10. Up down, up down. Just knowing how fit I was 20 years ago makes me sick. I know what I need to do to get it back…now I don’t have the motivation or wherewithal. Maybe I should just get is overwith and join Silver Sneakers.
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henderson Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 10:38 am
Feel your pain on the eye thing. Wife and I took half dozen of my friends out for dinner at a dimly lit restaurant. We’re all sitting there with the menus at arm’s length and our heads cocked back. Snotty punk waiter said we looked like we were on our way to a trombone convention.
Stiffing the little bastard on the tip was even sweeter knowing I had enough money that I didn’t actually have to leave a lousy tip.
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chill Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 11:00 pm
“trombone convention” – yeah, stiff the little prick. I’d leave a miniscule, but nonzero, tip. If you leave nothing, he might think you don’t know you’re supposed to tip. But six people at a fancy restaurant might come to $300 or more even before drinks, so leave him a dollar.
I had to get bifocals because my arms weren’t long enough anymore.
.
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TILLY Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 2:12 pm
SILVER SNEAKERS! HILARIOUS.
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I do some strange groan when I sit on or get up from my MY LA-Z-BOY BRAND RECLINER. I remember starting doing it as an exaggerated joke, but then it started coming natural and unstoppable. I’m always yelling out my window at various teens and… eh tweens(?)… while I’m driving through my neighborhood looking at people rock lawns .
At this rate I’ll be sitting on my porch with a shotgun yelling at people not to touch the string I have drying out in my front yard by the time I’m 35.
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This is all very depressing. What’s with all the foot pain I have to look forward to?
Restaurants are too dark and/or too noisy.
Kids are driving at too young an age.
Cars are too big, and everyone drives them too fast.
My trick knee told me it was going to get cold even
before the gas company turned off the heat.
Even piss beer tastes better and better every day.
I’ve begun to enjoy straight hard liquor.
I invite the Mormons and JW’s in for a drink to have the
company.
I grimace and scowl anytime anyone greets me.
I read Harbor Freight more often than books.
The hidden stretch waist band fleece lined pants in ads in Harbor Freight are really appealing.
Abe Simpson is the only Simpson I can relate to anymore.
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There’s very little reason for any of this. Except for the sagging parts.
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When the kids want to play with me I always reply, “OK, as long as I don’t have to get off the couch.”
I have actually started taking my car to Jiffy Lube for the oil change. That is something I thought I would only do after I turn 90.
And I’m constantly having people repeat what they just said. My hearing is fine, but after 3 or 4 words I completely lose interest in whatever anyone is saying, unless it has to do with my retirement fund.
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bikerchick Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 9:52 am
When I talk to my boyfriend on the phone (which is 20 times a day) he constantly asks me “did you hear me or aren’t you paying attention again?”. After a while some people just sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 10:05 am
People that rattle on and on really give me the twitchies. Send up a flair when you get close to a point because I quit paying attention 20 minutes ago.
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madz1962 Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 1:52 pm
We have one guy in our group who can’t shut up when it comes to his turn to give his weekly update. Via Instant Message, I told my boss “Sweet Jesus, will he bring this plane in for a landing!” He had to pretend he was coughing to cover guffaws.
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I’ve been really lucky in not having any major health issues. Of course I could be one of those people carrying around a tumor the size of a Fiat and not know it.
I do make a noise when I exit the mighty Chrysler and it’s a big car…easy ingress and egress. I think it has become a habit.
My hair is silver heading to white. I still have most of it. I’m told it is attractive but I would prefer some color. I’m afraid my head shows up on Google Earth.
My feet hurt…my left shoulder hurts and my arm has been semi-numb for years. What is that? A couple times a year all I have to do is stand up and my lower back goes out. Sheesh.
I’m intolerant of people with neck tattoos…I used to like Black Flag but I never had the urge to have their lyrics inked onto my neck. And if you look like you fell face first into a bucket of pop rivets you will get a withering look from me if I don’t burst out laughing.
Is it wrong to wish for a home invasion so I have an excuse to beat someone into a coma? It probably is.
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When I was younger, doctors, dentists and barbers were kind, gentle, silver-haired OLD men. I’m older than all those sum-bitches now. And they keep using a phrase I HATE…..
You’ve got good [insert body part here] “for a man your age”.
Oh yeah.. I also miss when my bowels were a no-brainer. I never, ever, had to count the days since my last movement until my mid-40′s. Now my wife gives me a “good boy! You made potty!”. Even my 2 yr old son thinks that’s funny.
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Oh yeah…. I get pissed off when a 20-something uses the phrase “Back in the Day”
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Cold weather makes all the injuries I have incurred over the years ache like a SOB. Nexium is my new best friend. I could buy a car for what I have spent on hair colorings and waxing over the last year….sigh, thanks for such an inspiring topic Jeff.
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I was in Olive Garden last night shotgunning limoncellos in an effort to deal with a pack of 8th grade girls who were inexplicably served without an adult present. I wanted to throttle them all while screaming, “QUIT GIGGLING LIKE A BUNCH OF COKED UP EWOKS!!” And then I realized they wouldn’t get the reference. Hence the shotgunning of limoncellos. Which I’m paying for today.
The U.S. Census apparently considers middle age to begin at 35. Which means I’ve been middle aged for three years and didn’t even know it, though certainly my body’s been trying to tell me. Joint pain, cellulite, saggy bits, wrinkles, expanding gut, bad eyesight, and deepseated aversion to autotune.
The only two things I got going for me are (a) as a blonde, I can’t tell if I’ve got grey/white hairs yet and (b) as someone who never had jugs I’m still “perky” in that area. Small comfort, literally.
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TILLY Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 2:46 pm
I have always comforted myself by saying that because my “girls” are small they will not sag. I don’t know how to break it to you but I was wrong.
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Gretchen Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 4:26 pm
Aw crap!
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Terri Reply:
February 12th, 2011 at 8:54 am
I’m with you Gretchen – no chance of sagging and the blonde hair hides the grey.
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I like the A.M. radio hits of the 70s. That other stuff I could do without. Modern country – or at least the stuff that runs on the country video channel we have in Morgantown is terrible.
But – it sells like mad, and that is probably why we have a country music video channel.
At 45 I am actually the youngest person where I work. So I don’t feel so old around here.
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I’m 50. I don’t really have any major health problems, but I can’t eat anything good anymore. I have to watch the sodium, which sucks, because salt makes everything delicious.
I met with a personal trainer at the gym last week, and I gave him a list of so many things I wasn’t willing to do (like kneeling on the floor, or getting on the floor at all) that I just told him to forget it.
I try really hard not to make any grunts or groans when I’m around other people. I always made fun of old people for that.
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Oh yeah, I’m “old” because I still find the Internet so completely amazing that I can shake out shit like this from it on a daily basis:
http://www.alibinetwork.com/index.jsp
But hey, at least I can use the Internet, so I can’t be that old, right?
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bikerchick Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 12:42 pm
Wow! That’s fucked up.
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it’s all downhill after 50…
younger females aren’t interested because I don’t have enough money and older women aren’t interested because I still have a sex drive.
Gravity has forced the hair that was once on top of my head to now grow out my nose and ears and on other private parts that now all have to be kept trimmed.
My ears ring because of all of the damage from loud cars and loud music but I still love them both. if it’s too loud, you are too old.
I have just gone to weak reading glasses, I still have my health, don’t take any prescription drugs and other than some aches and pains after hard work I feel pretty good.
I am more aware of the world around me now and parts of it scare the hell out of me. Then I think, fuck it, I only have a few years left, how bad can it get? I do worry for my grand daughter though and hope there is somebody around to raise her as a conservative and not a bleeding heart liberal.
I eat what I want. After watching friends and family waste away due to cancer and parkinsons I have decided to let butter kill me quickly some day.
I hate most of the new “music”. I would much rather listen to music where they actually know how to play instruments and understand harmony. Classic Rock and Smooth Jazz are all I listen to. Haven’t heard a top 40 song for years and I would rather shoot rappers than listen to them.
Have a great day y’all…
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MikeFromLI Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 5:14 pm
Yikes
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johnthebasket Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 7:03 pm
Well, I won’t listen to Smooth Jazz and I hope my progeny will always adore Keith Olbermann, but I’m right with you on the rest, Fry. We must have a rum and Vernors and discuss it sometime.
jtb
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Short-n-Sweet Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 9:47 pm
Mmmmm….Vernors. I love that stuff!!
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Jesus Christ people. What the fuck is going on here? If we did have a wvsr meet and greet we’d need handicap parking, walkers, carts for boobs and balls…all sorts of shit. Do I need to include a Depends booth and iron lung rentals too. It’s my one day off, I’m out of rum and my Vernors is gone too. I’m going to the store to restock and think about this some more. Damn….?
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Vicki Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 12:44 pm
I didn’t want to mention Depends, but since the hysterectomy I can’t cut the pee off quite like I used to and heaven forbid a sneeze while the bladder is fullish.
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icecycle66 Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 5:54 pm
Holy crap rum and Vernors, that might as well be on tap at the “resort living” old folk farm.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 6:33 pm
Yes I know it sounds bad but I would hope we are not the ones that sit around and bitch about it all day and night. I don’t…I figure other people feel like shit too so why would I add to their misery by complaining. Suffer in silence.
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johnthebasket Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 6:50 pm
The party might be slowish, but we’ll be sure to serve plenty of rum and Vernors. I think making fun of my iron lung is a little mean. I don’t actually have to be in it; I just tow it around in a wagon for extra oxygen. So I can still dance a little.
jtb
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greg t Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 8:01 pm
I don’t know Dave. I am 64 and in better shape than most of the 35 year olds here. Must be some kind of subliminal message from Jeff thats getting the Yungens…
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48 years young, just like you Jeff and it’s the “same shit, different area code” with me.
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Hey, before you leave, could you help me change my diaper?
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An occasional episode of plumber’s crack
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I always wake up feeling like someone has beat the hillbilly shit out of me. I have to take a cocktail of drugs to fall asleep, so that might have something to do with it.
I always feel old or out of touch when people talk about music. I had no idea who the people singing at the super bowl were. I digged that butter face girl, but she can’t sing for shit. And she had some black guys with weird headgear dancing around her. My wife told me all about her. Fergie, she called her. Said she had a lesbo streak when she was younger. I wonder if there’s any videos out there?
Hangovers are no longer a joke. And I have the heartburn thing too. I’ve been eating chili (no beans) for days now and it’s as if I’ve been swallowing crushed glass. I chug some water with baking soda mixed in it and that helps a lot.
I have to shake myself almost to the point that it could be considered masturbation when I piss. Because if I don’t some will dribble out when I tuck it away. And that’s not a good look, having a piss stain on your slacks.
There are several eating places that I avoid because I can’t stand the fucking noise. Red Robin comes to mind. I don’t like places where people make a lot of noise.
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I for one am just glad that I am not the only one that has aching ass feet. I am not glad to know that it will likely not get better.
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I hate people. I could live in a cabin in the woods like the unibomber. I’ve actually said “fuck it” when having sex because it was taking too long and I was getting winded. Now THAT’S getting old.
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White hairs springing up randomnly in my facial hair. I used to cut them away, but if I did that now I’d have small bald spots in my ‘stache.
If I don’t sit properly my knees hurt like a sumbitch.
My shoulders and neck tell me when the weather will be changing.
If I try to do burpee’s now, I manage one pathetic one before all the leg and arm joints scream in agony.
I actually plan a lift now or my back decides to protest.
Those who’ve been paying attention know I work in educational facilities… when I started, the hs girls where of eligible dating age… Now, they are pedo-bear material, they even look too young for my tastes. Now thats screaming old at me nearly everyday. I’ve been trying to figure out when I crossed over that threshold, but it seems to have snuck up on me… Or is that the memory going?
Plus, they refer to me as “Sir” now. WTF!? I’m not your teacher, when did I start looking old? Oh yeah… those randomn white hairs…
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Aww, hell no! I refuse to age. Not doing it. I order my Just for Men by the case now..you know, for the discount. If it turns gray, that shit gets “touched up”. I will remain No. H-10 “Sandy Blonde” until the day I die.
If it hurts, take some ibuprofen. If you can’t see, get Lasik. If it won’t stand up, take Viagra. Suck, lift, tuck. Don’t start down that “woe is old me” road. Next thing you know, you’ll be browsing for caskets, “just because it’s time”.
No thanks. I’m a mere 46. Not my time to go yet.
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Greg Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Here, it’s “35-H, Medium brown”. I’ve been using it so long, I don’t know WHAT color my hair is, or when it started turning gray.
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Does getting excited over new socks count as a sign of aging? What if you actually requested them as a Christmas present one year?
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Alex Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 4:02 pm
You’re the guy the gives socks as Christmas gifts ain’t ya?
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Does getting excited over new socks count as a sign of aging? What if you actually requested them as a Christmas present one year?
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dto Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 5:03 pm
Repeating youeself is a sign of old age…just asyin’
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 6:34 pm
Perfect.
=8^-)
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johnthebasket Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 6:54 pm
I’ll double that and buy a round for the house.
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Glad you posted this question today. I’m actually feeling a little better after reading everyone else’s problems…heh heh. I guess the only physical complaint I have right now is the achy feet and back in the morning but I can usually get that under control if I just exercise like I should. But, I’m a wuss and cannot tolerate cold weather (and i live in Texas) so it’s just going to have to warm up a bit for me to get after it again. Must have a stomach made of cast iron…can eat anything I want and I am literally the biggest salt addict I know that actually has an iodine deficiency (WTH?). Normal blood pressure, normal cholesterol and I, also, am of the smallish nature up top and still perky. Not too shabby for 45 I guess.
I think the biggest sign of my aging is that I have become VERY selective in where I will or will not eat. Buffets are out of the question and so is just about any fast food restaurant serving fried chicken. It’s amazing how selective your taste buds become when you can actually afford something better.
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When I rewatch the original Posiden Adventure movie I’m starting to think Shelly Winters is “doable”
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Jason Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 5:21 pm
I’d do Shelley Winters in her current state. What the hell? Somebody has to hit it.
http://www.films42.com/tribute/shelley-winters.asp
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“Here’s something to remember when you’re older Thomas – never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.” Jack Nicholson, The Bucket List.
They’re all starting to apply, especially the fart thing. More often than not, I wake up with “staining” in my U-trow. I guess that anal sphincter muscle isn’t as tight as it used to be. Let’s see, what else?
Severe high freq hearing loss, due to too many rock concerts, too many hours under the headphones, and too many hours flying a Cessna 150 (you’re real close to the engine).
Yea, the foot thing, like everybody else has.
Constantly fighting the weight, but not too successfully.
A good thing: last eye exam in November, my eyes hadn’t changed from the year before. First time in 20 years that happened.
Total colonic intolerance of Taco Bell.
Moobs, dammit!
Bronchitis.
The 3:00 am piss.
Bad knees, due to tennis in college
Nasal spray, and a breathe-right strip at night. (Oh yea, I look great when I crawl onto the platform!)
Various extremities falling asleep for no apparent reason.
Three BM’s before noon (That’s two too many.)
Not too much in the curmudgeon area, as I learned long ago, that you gotta pick your battles, and frankly, getting over-excited about something, anything at all, is just too damned much work.
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I hope I die before I get old.
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johnthebasket Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 6:57 pm
“I hope that I get old before I die”…..TMBG
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Gretchen Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 7:35 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ltJ8kK4G90&feature=related
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johnthebasket Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 9:35 pm
Gretchen…
Thanks very much for that. I guess you start at Morcheeba and I start at the Sonics, but it’s nice to meet in the middle at TMBG.
To be fair, I don’t know where you start. I can barely start at all some days.
jtb
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Taiwan On Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 6:19 am
Who?
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johnthebasket Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 12:05 pm
They Might Be Giants. Follow Gretchen’s link.
jtb
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Kevindust Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 12:32 pm
jtb, I think you missed Taiwan On’s point.
The Who. That’s who.
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Jeezum crow. I feel GREAT! I mean, I didn’t before I read this, but I do now. I don’t feel any worse today than I did when I was in my 20′s, and now my alcohol tolerance is better, so, I might even feel better than I did then because I don’t get hangovers like I did. This is awesome! I feel like the luckiest bastard ever!
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Dude, I’m with you on the feets. At first I thought that it was an effect of jogging the previous day. But the feet hurt first thing in the am whether I jogged or not the day before. Spend the whole damn day in bed, and I’ll wake up the next morning with painful feet.
On the upside, it goes away after a few minutes. Maybe it’s circulatory.
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I must be old, I sneezed earlier and it felt like I broke a rib.
It still hurts. Damn.
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johnthebasket Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 7:09 pm
Oh, t-storm. If you insist on growing older you have to train youself not to sneeze. I let loose with a big Niagara sneeze a couple years ago and blew my appendix right out the drainhole. At least it felt that way.
jtb
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Physically I’m good to go. Aches, pains and headaches are an occasional self doing. My reaction time has slowed down a bit. When a girl asks if I want to go back to her place…I think about it. Not long ago a girl asked me if I wanted to go back to her place and paint her toenails. I asked her if I had to stop at Home Depot first. I’ve always liked Jane The Cat but now I like random cats. I might pee a couple times a night but then I drink a beverage rich in vitiman P. I’ve always been tolerant of weird behavior and stuff in general. Now it’s just a good laugh.
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Seriously, Jeff…after you get a book or two on the market I think there’s a hell of a future in becoming AngryWhiteGuy’s editor. I’d pay a sweet something to purchase “The Tao of AngryWhiteGuy: Essays and Insults”.
The guy writes like a slumming angel, honest and funny. The world, in some peculiar way, needs to hear him.
jtb
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AngryWhiteGuy Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 7:29 am
Thank you, JTB. I had a collection of stuff on here at one point, which caused a few problems in my world and asked Jeff to remove them from the site, but it would be okay if he put them back up in “best of” or something now. However, I tried to go the route Jeff has taken and put them in book form and no one would touch them. I probably didn’t put enough effort into getting it done though. I definitely think his new approach will pay off and wish him well in this, since he and Bill from WV were the funniest kids I knew, growing up in the resort town of Dunbar. Again, thanks for the good words.
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WhiteTrashBarbie Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 7:39 am
AWG, I am with JTB. If you had a book, I would buy it. I think you are great.
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AngryWhiteGuy Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 8:52 am
Thank you Barbie.
Anyone hear about the Ft. Wayne, Indiana commision that rejected a building there being named after a three term (or maybe four) mayor from the 30′s.
His name was Harry Baals.
Yes, it is pronounced that way.
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WhiteTrashBarbie Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 9:08 am
It strikes me as odd that Hoosiers in Fort Wayne would get all uppity about this. I guess they just think they are better than the Hoosiers at Ball U and French Lick.
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Dave's not here, man Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 10:09 am
hehe, I always snicker when driving through Beaver County, PA. Nice big sign welcoming you to the Penn State Beaver Campus. Who wouldn’t want to go there?
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Son of Sam Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 10:36 am
Welcome to my hood. Also JCIII is a resident. Beautiful country ain’t it?
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WhiteTrashBarbie Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 10:54 am
SOS – enjoy SF tonight! He’s one of my faves.
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johnthebasket Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 11:50 am
There are other Beavers. I have a beer mug from Oregon State University circa 1970 that says, “I’m a Beaver Believer”.
Well, I am.
jtb
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I have plenty of the physical stuff mentioned above; the one thing that has been bothering me has been my ability to remember any names. The physical stuff I can take pills for; but only if i can remember to take them.
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I’m so glad I’m not the only one. Getting old is not for sissies. In my head, I’m still 18, but then I look in the mirror and see my Mother. Hey, it beats the alternative.
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Knucklehead Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 11:28 am
Looking in the mirror and seeing my mother makes me just a little bit suicidal. I can totally relate.
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I am 46 and have two bad knees. I also have to use corn starch everyday, to prevent being gaulded. Being gaulded is sometimes referred to as having swamp ass.
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WVKay Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 12:29 am
Swamp ass is bad stuff.
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Only in the past year or so have I found my farts becoming untrustworthy. No bueno. “Never pass up a bathroom” is 100% true. I passed one up when getting on a plane in Tampa, thinking “it’s only a two hour flight”. Then the plane circled, waiting for the weather to clear, until we ran low on fuel. Landed at Harrisburg where they didn’t let us off, and it ended up being more like seven hours total before I got off the damn plane.
I’m not familiar with this aching feet thing, but then I’m only 52. Once I dreamed that I was working up in the ceiling on a ladder, and when I woke up my feet hurt from the ladder.
Based on what I’ve seen from other (often younger) Reporters, I should be grateful that I’m merely fat and out of shape. My joints are mostly OK and I still have a full head of hair with only a few stray grays. If I go gray or bald, so be it. Fuck a bag of hair dye.
A young co-worker once asked me what year I graduated high school, and when I said 1976 he replied, “damn, I was born that year”.
Milestones:
. First time called Sir or Ma’am by a store clerk
. First time not carded for alcohol or tobacco purchase
. First time asked if you have an AARP card so you can get the discount
-> My AARP card is a badge for access to the HQ building, not for membership.
.
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Short-n-Sweet Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 10:08 pm
“Damn, I was born that year.”
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Happy 164th birthday Thomas Edison. I bet he’s got a few of the problems we do by now.
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I ain’t as good as I once was. But, I’m as good once as I ever was.
Sing it Toby!!!
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Middle age starts at 35?!? Well, then I’m beginning my 11th year in about a month….
I enjoy hiking and biking and have more stamina playing hard and fast (punk) rock on my drum kit than I did when I was in my 20s. I reckon quitting smoking about 9 ago probably has a lot to do with my improved health in those areas. I also get frequent aches and pains that I never experienced in the salad days of my misspent youth. I wonder how my kidneys and liver are enjoying all of the NSAIDs I take these days. And then there’s the heartburn and hemorrhoids from eating stuff that I shouldn’t. Aging builds character.
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I’m 48 and don’t feel like I’m doing TOO BAD. Other than the aforementioned looking in the mirror and seeing my mother and the fact that I can HEAR my knees when I walk down the stairs, I’m doing pretty well. Wait, there is the two day hangovers, as well.
I still enjoy loud music (hitting every heavy metal festival in Europe this year) so my nieces and nephews think I’m the “cool aunt”.
I can still eat pretty much anything I want. I’ve only had heartburn a couple of times and thought I was dying.
I’m still in pretty good shape, although my short-term memory kinda blows. Wanna know something I did in 1979? No problem. What did I have for dinner last night? Gimme a minute to think…
Yesterday I saw my 96 year old neighbor coming down the muletrail from the forest with a GIGANTIC bundle of twigs ON HER HEAD and thought…Jesus, I hope I’m in that good of shape when I’m 70, let alone 96!
Happy Friday, Surfers!
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Just in case you were all wondering, and I’m sure you weren’t, I don’t feel particularly old. I don’t ache when I wake up, I haven’t noticed any gray hairs (yet) and I still like my music loud.
A few things I have noticed however…
For some reason which is a total medical mystery, gas builds up inside me while I’m sleeping and waits patiently until I’m walking to the bathroom around 7am to exit the premises. Loudly.
Sometimes I’ll glance in the mirror and realize that I have no makeup on and then say to myself, “fuck it, Kroger shoppers can kiss my ass”, throw on my shoes and just go grocery shopping. I haven’t stooped to jammie bottoms though. That still pisses me off. PJ’s? Seriously? People are SO lazy.
After nursing two children, the “twins” aren’t near as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as they used to be. (damn you gravity!!)
But on the bright side, I don’t have a muffin top, the “twins” look presentable thanks the Victoria’s Secret Push-up Collection, and I can still chase after my kids all day without feeling the need for a nap. Alcohol, on the otherhand, is a whole other story. I’m convinced that alcohol was invented by a parent who was one day away from a straight jacket.
So, I guess I really can’t bitch. Much.
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