A Whole Jacked-Up Mess o’ Stuff
To answer Wednesday’s question, about the brick-hard iced tea I was served (details here), I noticed it was completely ice free around 10:40 pm. So, it took more than seven hours, underneath a lamp, for the thing to return to its natural beveragey state.
And I think someone needs to come in and adjust the settings on that vending machine, stat. I mean, seriously. That shit’s running wide-open. There’s a big difference between cold, and… vitrification.
I was planning to do something a little different yesterday, but real life (once again) threw a body-block on me.
I had to take the younger Secret to a doctor’s appointment, for one thing. A yearly checkup. And I hate going into those pediatricians’ offices, because it always feels like I’m sitting inside a swirling vortex of microscopic poop and vomit spores. Every breath, I’m convinced, is another lungful of diarrhea mist.
But so far I’m OK. I know the incubation periods for diseases vary, but nothing has happened within the first twenty-four hours or so.
The doc asked our son a series of safety-related questions, including “What’s the first thing you do when you get into a car?” And “What do you wear while riding a bike?” Then he wanted to know our boy’s favorite food.
“Apples,” the Secret said, and I think I actually snorted. Talk about telling someone what they want to hear. Outrageous.
Everything checked out, and the kid was declared “healthy.” So we went across the street to Wendy’s to celebrate with burgers, fries, and Cokes. Seemed appropriate to me.
It’s starting to feel like spring up here, and the concrete-hard snowpack is dwindling away. Our dog Andy (Black Lips Houlihan, Snoop Manny Mann, Mr. McDingles) is used to our yard being elevated, slick, and solid. And now he’s running into problems.
Whenever he ventures outside his urination trough, you see, the snow can no longer support him.
So he’ll be walking along and his front legs will plunge through the ice, and his face mashes against the ground. Or just one of his legs will give way, and he’ll go radically out of balance.
One time I saw him get into such a contorted mess I thought I was going to have to go rescue the poor hound. I believe his left front and rear right legs collapsed, and the other two were still on the surface. For a few seconds he looked like a severely handicapped crab.
But I think the snowpack is on its way out. Within a week it’ll be gone, and I’ll have to find something else to bitch about. I’m confident I’ll be able to rise to the challenge.
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are usually my days off, but I have to work tonight. A bonus round. There’s a “special project” going on, and it’s all hands on deck. Including us pampered, fat-ass management types.
It’ll be fantastic. By the end of the night I’ll probably need a mobility scooter. We’re going to be doing the equivalent of digging a big hole, then filling it back in. My nipples are exploding with delight.
But tomorrow morning (after a few hours of tortured sleep) I’ll be riding inside a green Camaro, in the gargantuan Scranton St. Patrick’s Day parade. This is no half-assed event, it’s a huge party known locally as “Parade Day.” People come from out of state to participate in the debauchery.
I was invited by Chevy (if you can believe it) to ride along with them, and fire off Twitter tweets throughout. Should be interesting, and fun. I hope some of you will follow along, via Twitter. And, of course, I’ll post an in-depth article about it next week, complete with photos.
The parade starts at noon, and I’m supposed to be “at the Camaro” by 11:15. So, if you’re around a Twitter page at that time…. I hate to even type these words, ’cause they sound kinda douchey, but I’d appreciate a few retweets, etc. That’s right, retweets. I said it.
Then on Saturday night I’ll be participating in our loose-knit #SottedSaturday Twitter group. You’re all welcome to join us, if you’re, you know, sotted on Saturday.
Next week I’m going to record a second podcast. I wanted to do it yesterday afternoon, but everything went (as the Brits put it) pear-shaped. My goal is to post one every other Friday, and that’s what I’ll be shooting for. Starting next Friday.
If you have any real questions you’d like answered, let me know. Otherwise, I’m just going to start telling stories. And I’m fixin’ to approach someone about a Skype interview, as well. Of course I’ll have to buy one of those Garth Brooks clip-on microphones, and up the douche-factor even further…
But I’m way past caring.
Before I get to the Question of the Day, I’d like to alert you to a couple of new projects by Friends of the Surf Report.
First is a just-launched blog by Aaron Starmer. He and I were partnered-up by National Lampoon, to write a proposal for a book they ultimately passed on. Here are the sample pages from that proposal, and I think they’re pretty damn funny.
…Hey, their loss.
Anyway, Aaron’s first novel was recently released, and he now has a new blog. I hope you’ll support both.
Also, Jason Mulgrew’s first book was published a few days ago. I have my copy, and you should go buy four or five, as well. Jason is, as they say, funny as all hell, and I’m looking forward to reading his twisted memoir.
And finally… when the Secret and I were returning from his doctor’s appointment yesterday, some guy in a huge, black Tony Soprano SUV ran me halfway off the road. He kept drifting out of his lane, and causing all sorts of trouble. I don’t know if he was drunk, or what. But I didn’t care for any of it.
As I shouted nonsensical profanity at the guy, and waved my arms around, I saw that he was driving something with a really weird name. I can’t remember it now… I think it started with an E.
And where do carmakers come up with those model names anyway? In a lot of cases I think they just make up new words (Lumina? Firenza?). And some are just straight-up bizarre (Touareg?)
Are they running out of ideas at this point? Well, I think we need to help them out…
In the comments section, please list your suggestions for new car models of the future. I’ll get the ball rolling with a few of my own, and you guys can take if from there. OK? OK.
Pontiac Carcinoma
Hyundai Regret
GMC Pierogi
Volkswagen Sot
Ford DeVito crew cab
Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you guys next time.
Have a great weekend!
Filed under: Daily
Gimme Gimme
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Early!!!
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!
Hope everyone has a fan-frickin-tastic weekend.
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QUESTION: Do you, Jeff Kay, wear any Surf Report gear yourself? My inclination is no, but I’d be delighted to learn whether you do or not and more importantly why or why not.
Cadillac Ackackack
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How about:
United States Department of General Motors Amerigo
Toyota Mach 4
Jeep Rollover
Ford Burrito
Nissan Datsun
Hyundai Judo Chop
Volkswagon Schnitzel
BMW ASS- H01E
Mercedes Benz LaDouche
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Hummer Blow
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Subaru Schlep
Chevy Schmuck
Lexus ZXRy21B
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Cadillac Escalade is probably what kept trying to run you off the road… Some joker with a tough guy attitude likely, that likes to flash a wad of one dollar bills around.
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Apologize for my error, but the ZXRy21B is actually a Scion model
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Chevrolet Polyp
Ford Fissure
Nissan Nad
Subaru Subpoena
Toyota Banshee
Chrysler Lung and Tumor
BMW Audacity
Mercedes Benz FU series
Audi Plea Bargain
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The snow is gone, and a flood is coming to wash away the dirt, cinders, garbage, and shit that is everywhere. At least, that is how it is in NoTHappy Town.
I’d still like to know how the college kids I see driving Hummers everyday afford to drive them.
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Volvo Labia
Honda Excrement
Citron Prancer
Saturn Uranus
Cadallic Coup de Poulet
Toyota Crasher
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The Subaru Birkenstock
The Audi Innie
The Hyundai Gesundheit
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We used to call my friend’s B210 the B2Ugly. My brain doesn’t seem to want to wake up this morning and I keep thinking it’s Thursday. With that it mind, here’s a couple lame attempts:
The Subaru Scat
The Ford Explosion
The Toyota Colon
Perhapes I can try again later.
(BTW, Firenza is Italian for Florence)
Happy Friday, Surfers!
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I always thought that going to an Italian restaurant and ordering some Lamborghini with clam sauce would be funny…
Oh, c’mon! Tell me that doesn’t sound like a pasta, NOT a car!
Ford Panini
GMC Jackoff
Pontiac Primate
Saturn Aleve
Jeep Jughead
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Jeep Rollover
Hummer Ego
Cadillac Hoody
Lincoln Pimper
Prius P-Shooter
Toyota Braker
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Jeff,
I can’t believe you didn’t include your classic “Buick Leviathan!!!”
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can’t wait for Sat’s parade! virtual for me, but wheeeee! I’ll be watching via Twitter.
Great update today, Jeff. It’s full-blown interactive!
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Dodge Dingle
Pontiac Croup
Kia Seizure
Cadillac Vertigo
Ford Expectorant
GMC Psoriasis
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Here’s my take:
Chevy Taxpayer
Chrysler Bailout
Ford Fooster
Jeep Wanker
BMW Doucheketer
Toyota Runs4yer
Honda Prayloud
Saturn Recycle
Subaru 2Girls1up
Hummer 33 1/3rd
Audi Oops
Volkswagon Herbie
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Is Jason Mulgrew the same as our very own “Cheese Fucker” Jason?
Just trying to keep the players straight.
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Priusimalittlefaggy (actual long name shortened to Prius)
Toyota Turd (abreviated as TRD on the side of the truck)
Audi ID10T
Honda Elephant
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Dogberryjr – Cadillac Ackackack – too funny… I’m still snickering.
All y’all – good smiles there.
Too bad Jeff isn’t in a Toyota – it would be “fun” to see the posts live as it sped out of control. As long as he’s unhurt of course.
Chevy Vulva
Chrysler LeBoner
Dodge Penetrator
Dodge RAM – Compensator version
Bently Prick
Toyota Unstoppable
Austin Mini-me
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Thanks hot fuzz.
And one or two for the history buffs out there:
the Audi Murphy
the Lincoln Assasin
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The expression is pear shaped. Eggs are egg shaped, fuck ups are pear shaped. As the American’s like to say, I’m setting the compact disc straight.
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happy friday surf reporters!!!!
I got nothing on the car thing but I bet when I go home I will think of something brilliant.
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Thanks to dogberryjr this has been stuck in my head for a couple of hours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjQSF1bFMsk
And yes I like Billy Joel so fucking sue me! Although I’m listening to the song as I type this and the car sound effects at the end are kind of cheesy.
When Jeff first mentioned the parade thing I kinda swirled my right index finger counterclockwise, but now that I followed the link he provided I see it is the 4th largest such parade in the country and that somehow makes pretty awesome even though for all I know there are only four such parades in the country. Congrats, I’ll prolly be here at work tomorrow so I’ll be following along, retweeting my balls off.
Just can’t come up with any cars, I need a beer, badly.
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I’ll be checking out Twitter!
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Chevy-Chevy-shake
Toyota Pontious Pilot
Nissan Bonzai
Toyota Kamikazi
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Ford Unfocussed
Chevy Shitster
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Toyota BJ Cruiser
Maybach Excess
Douche 911 Carrera
Nissan Pube
Smart Calamitous
The Camaro Kay, Special Edition
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Rain and gusty winds forecasted for the parade – good thing it’s not a Camaro Convertible.
oh wait…
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Dodge Ejaculator
Chevy Short Bus SE
GM Bummer
Nissan Nefarious (I’d drive that!)
Subaru Deforester
Toyota Warp 9
Renault LeSurrender Monkey
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The Maserati 185
The Nash Crosby
The Willys Drummond
The Kaiser Permanente
The Studebaker Dozen
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Locally the Seaside Heights St. Patrick’s day parade was postponed due to the monsoon forecast for Saturday.
I hope Jeff brings a raincoat…
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@Gretchen- Chevy Short Bus SE
Good one, almost snorted my beer there.
How about:
Ford Exploder
Ford Explursion
and Homer’s fave:
Canyonero!
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Can you name the truck with four wheel drive,
smells like a steak and seats thirty-five..
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down,
It’s the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown!
Canyonero! (Yah!) Canyonero!
[Krusty:] Hey Hey
The Federal Highway comission has ruled the
Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.
Canyonero!
12 yards long, 2 lanes wide,
65 tons of American Pride!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Top of the line in utility sports,
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero! Canyonero! (Yah!)
She blinds everybody with her super high beams,
She’s a squirrel crushing, deer smacking, driving machine!
Canyonero!-oh woah, Canyonero! (Yah!)
Drive Canyonero!
Woah Canyonero!
Woah!
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Sweet Jesus! I’m not bragging. But that youtube video you posted is very familiar to me. I’ve made several comments on it over the last two years. I hate to admit it, but I used the handle bodhitaichi to do it.
You made my day.
Good luck tomorrow!
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Serendipity NOW
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Wow, the Reporters really rocked on the QOD. Thanks for the tune, Gretchen.
I don’t have much…
Infiniti Limited Edition
Buick Vanish
BMW Jackass
Renault Maginot
Hummer Emigrate
Porsche Blitzkrieg
Nissan Divine Wind
Hyundai Gastritis
Toyota Mobius
That’s probably enough, but the temptation to get even more esoteric lingers.
jtb
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OK, I feel a personal responsibility to knock Gretchen off the list, since I requested more comments. It is worth it at any rate, because Gretchen’s comments take the sting out of being occupied by drizzle in the Great Dark Murky Pacific Northwest.
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Here are a few more. Haven’t started breathing hard yet, so, if I don’t take over 10th place in the Race for the Cup, I’ll be back….jtb
Honda Revenge
Dodge Bullets
DeLorean Speedball
Cadillac Fusillade
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Vovlo Twat
Jeep Reamer
Ford Recall
Hyundai Joke
Honda Ponder
Mercedes Arab
GMC Stimulus
BMW Matchbox
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11:32 EST….Hey guys, if you wanna see out “Fearless Leader,” the Scranton CBS station is webcasting the parade starting at Noon. Address is: pahomepage.com
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Thanks, JTB!
A webcast of Jeff in the parade. Oh, this is excellent!
In other news, Facebook suggests I become friends with someone named BJ Finemen. Who’s next, Anita Dick?
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Wow….watching the webcast and thinking back on Jeff’s comment when he moved to Scranton….”I got on the plane in California as Homer Simpson, and I got off the plane and I was Leonardo DiCapprio.: Wow, he WASN’T kidding!
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You ain’t kidding, Clintcurtis! And judging from the newscasters’ awkward flailing when that last marching band appeared, I guess they’ve never had African Americans in the parade before either. “Well, uh….they’ll add a nice….flavor to this event.” WTH?!
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Screw it all…next year I am going to be in Scranton for the parade. What a nice looking, low key community. Looks a bit rainy…but at their current 41 degrees, it’s 70 degrees warmer than here in Nome, Alaska (-29!).
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Well if that was him in the Camaro that just went by, you couldn’t see inside of it. So our “fearless leader” still remains faceless (for the most part) to his minions. Ah well. Hope you had a good time, Jeff. Watch out for flying green puke. I’m out!
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If he isn’t lying about his weight, I would assume he’ll be in the one that looks like a low rider.
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I made it up to the Abington Heights High School Band and could not take it anymore. I mean it is a rockin parade and all but…
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did they put a smoking fish sign on the side of the Camaro at least?
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Toyota Ohshit
Hummer Lilween
Chevy GLWTT (Good luck with that headgasket)
VW Weiner Schnitzel
Hyundai Lovemelongtime
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Renault Facade
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One more and I’m done:
The Hummer Compensator
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apologies if already said….
Hummer HummJob
Namco Buttrider – Namco (National Motor Company of Greece, thanks Wikip)
Hummer Cummer
TATA Deathtrap
Vespa Emasculator
GTO DTO Dickjoke
Porche Boxie OMG version
Ford Fistula
Ferrari Tu Mamma
Greyhound Decapitator
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Fiat Gesticulate
Renault Shrug
Cadillac Deficit
Tata Poppadum
Toyota Yawn
Chevrolet Rattle
Mercury Flounder
Lexus Reserve
GMC Why
Land Rover Mall
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Cadillac Poseur
GMC Flux
Renault Ennui
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The Ford Kumquat
Chevy Ithorian
Martin Short
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I believe Firenza was supposed to be based on the word Firenze, which is the Italian name for Florence (a city, not an old broad’s name).
I do not know what some crappy American economy car has to do with the center of the Renaissance, but someone in “marketing” thinks that it sells cars.
So there you go.
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And the Mitsubishi Starrion was supposed to be called the Stallion but there was that Japanese mixing up of R’s and L sounds.
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Ages ago Car and Driver did a piece about “dull cars named after exciting places”. The list included the Chevy Monte Carlo, Dodge Aspen and Pontiacs Bonneville and Le Mans.
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I doubt the Chevy Malibu is the vehicle of choice for Malibu residents, however Malibu might be the tipple of choice for the trailer park residents who drive Chevy Malibus…
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Here’s something for the further evidence link.http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/1027360/woman-aims-to-become-worlds-fattest . Jesus, Horatio Christ. How about universal healthcare for her. Runs after her daughter, BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I wonder if Jeff fell out of the car. TUCK AND ROLL, TUCK AND ROLL!
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