A Weekend of Contemplation
The “visitors” were at the compound for roughly fourteen hours this weekend. They arrived on Saturday, around 6 PM, and left the next day at 8 AM. They basically used our place as a bunkhouse, between Canada and their new/old home in North Carolina.
But they’ll be returning next weekend, for a longer stay. So, don’t touch that dial. I’ll have a full report, once all the data has been collected.
On Saturday night I went to bed at 10 PM. I was exhausted for some reason, and couldn’t take anymore slurping, smacking, wide-open coughing, booger-eating, wiener-flicking, or highbrow pontification. So, I told everyone goodnight, and climbed atop the platform.
And I awoke at 1:20 AM to absolute darkness. We always leave a lamp turned on in the living room, in case someone needs to get up in the middle of the night. You know, so they don’t go cascading down the stairs, and blow a hole in their neck. But Nossy (he’s always the last to bed), turned EVERYTHING off. Including our porch light.
I’m not exaggerating, my heart started racing because I thought I’d gone blind. There were no shadows, or the slightest variation in blackness levels. It was just solid dark, in every direction. It takes a while for the brain (especially my brain) to process what’s going on, and for a few terrifying seconds I thought I’d lost my sight.
But then I saw the numbers on Toney’s clock radio, and finally allowed myself to exhale.
I laid there wondering why someone would turn out every single light in their house, before going to bed. Is that common? Shouldn’t there be at least a nominal amount of illumination, for safety’s sake? I think I drifted off to sleep again agitated and mildly pissed at the whole advanced darkness situation. Dumbassery!
The oldest Secret had a birthday over the weekend, and got a new iPod Touch out of the deal. Which, I might add, is pretty darn cool… I’ve gotta have one, myself.
We also allowed him to pick a restaurant for dinner, and he said he wanted crab legs from Ret Lopster. Eninen were hinting that they wanted to join us, but they’re so completely unreliable, Toney told them no. If we’d waited on them, they might not have arrived until 10 PM and ruined the whole thing. ‘Cause that’s the way they roll.
Again, I ordered the New York strip steak. I’m not really a seafood kind of guy… But I’m telling you, every steak I’ve ever eaten at that megacorporation chain restaurant has been incredibly good. I don’t know what they do to them, or if it’s just superior cuts of meat. But they’re always excellent.
Toney and I also ordered Sam Adams drafts with dinner. But they didn’t serve us Sam Adams, they brought Blue Moon. Some people might not be able to tell the difference, but I can.
I thought about telling the waitress about it, but she seemed exceedingly timid and fragile. So I let it go. Blue Moon isn’t the worst beer in the world; I could live with it. I guess.
But after I finished my steak, and saw that almost an entire crustacean was still to be dismantled to my left, I called our server over and ordered another round of beers. “Sam Adams,” I enunciated. “We’d like two… Sam Adams.”
And she brought Blue Moon again! What the hell, man?? Were the kegs mixed up, or something?
I sat there and thought about it, and imagined the bartender discovering the problem later in the evening. And I saw him telling a co-worker (inside my head) that nobody had even noticed, that these pretentious assholes come in here ordering their fancy-pants beers, and don’t even know the difference. I imagined him laughing, and mocking me.
So I told our waitress about it, and she almost had a nervous breakdown. I should’ve just gone with the Blue Moon, and let the chips fall where they may. This girl was so apologetic and shattered, it made me feel horrible. I thought she was going to curl up in a ball on the floor.
Sheesh.
After we left the restaurant, I noticed this shed behind the McDonald’s across the street. I wondered what was inside, and all four of us offered guesses while driving home. The Secrets’ ideas were predictably gory and disturbing. One of them said it was probably full of corpses: dead people who’d eaten tainted hamburger, or whatever.
And that’s today’s Question: what do you think McDonald’s keeps in the sheds behind their restaurants? Any ideas? Use the comments to tell us about it.
Also, here are a few more Smoking Fish sightings, all very cool indeed. And this is a link to today’s mockable update, about pocket celebrities.
I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Filed under: Daily
Tada!
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Number dos!!!
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always nice when you’re reading an old post and when you go back to the main page, bam! there’s a breand new one to read! sweet….
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Who knows, probably a years worth of pre-shredded onions and the animal paste (not necessairly beef) used to make puck patties. Or… there could be a guy in there whippin’ up the special sauce, Eww.
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I bet that shed if full of special sauce and those cakes they put in the stand up pee stations in the restroom.
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That shed is full of food and there’s a pair of jumper cables in there too. McDonald’s hires people to drive up and buy their food, then dump it in sheds like that. It’s a sham baby!
A goddamn hurricane or something passed directly over my house last night. I also woke up in bitch black (the power had gone out) and thought for a split second that I might be blind.
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I turn every light off in my house at night. Of course, I live alone and don’t have to go downstairs to piss.
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No sorry, not everybody needs a night light Jeff. Even my alarm clock gets pointed away from me as I find its sometimes glaring bright.
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Top Ten two days in a row
WOO HOO!
Happy Monday, Surfers!
Gotta go back and read now….
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Nossy’s just trying to save your fancy-pants CFL lightbulbs.
As to the McDonald’s sheds, I was just wondering that myself this weekend as I waited in the drive-through. This one had the shed all the way across the back of the parking lot and there were about 50 pry marks on the door and doorjam. I guess if you really want to know what’s in there, you can ask either a McDonald’s employee, or a really, really hungry/stupid burglar.
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The McDonald’s shed contains that McD clown in stasis.
All lights off at night. The only light is from the Aerogrow in the kitchen, which I’ve set to come on at night (since it has to be on 16 hrs/day anyway). Our neighbors leave all their external lights on *all* night. They must all be 4 years old inside.
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no lights in my pad at night. …ever actually, i always sit in the dark.
the sheds in back of the Mickey D’s are the secret meeting place of Ronald McDonald & The Hamburgler where they do their McSodomizing on Grimmace.
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Have to leave a light on in the hall at night. This house is over a hundred years old and the light switches are in the STRANGEST places. You need a light on just to find the light switch!
Haven’t eaten at McDonald’s since 1997 – truly the most vile fast food there is – so I have to idea what could be in the shed. I shutter at the thought, however.
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I beleive that McDonald’s shed is actually the entrance to the below-ground stockroom connected to the rest of the store.
Also count me among those who turn off every light in the house before going to bed. It’s gotta be dark, man, or I ain’t gettin’ any sleep…
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i’m in the shed. could someone let me out please??
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Total Darkness is so much better. I am a total darkness fiend, the light from a cell phone charger makes me crazy. I think I sleep better in hotels because of the blackout curtains.
My SO is a nightlight, programmed light timers and other dark-a-phobe type. It makes sleeping difficult
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That shed is full of hundreds of jars of pickles because you won’t eat them.
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I don’t leave any lights on at night.
I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever noticed the McDonald’s sheds. Now I need to drive around to a few neighborhood McDonalds and check them out. I bet Stephen King could come up with a good story about McDonalds sheds…
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Jeff,
WTF with the bunker cam? I’ve been nosing around here for a couple years now and THAT is very disturbing.
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McSheds – full of the nasty-ass Shrek shake mix they could pawn off on people, even when they called it Shamrock Shakes. I wasn’t fooled, the bastards.
Who was it in the Surf Reporter community that said they used to listen to Government Cheese? The guitarist, Tommy Womack, and his band, Daddy, is gearing up for their Northeast tour in PA, MD, NY, and OH. I’m going to try to make the Slippery Rock show. anyway – goto http://www.tommywomack.com for the dates
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……….
I could come up with something off the wall, creative and non too funny about the Micky D’s shed, but in reality it contains nothing more than cups, lids, napkins, paper wrappers, breakfast styrofoam trays, etc.
Pretty freakin’ boring, thank you.
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I don’t think we have McDonalds sheds here in Wisconsin. I have never seen one anyway. If we did have them however, I bet they would contain all the people that complain about the hair and boogers they find in their food.
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Jeff- Just read the WVSR classic and would like to know if in fact the hair did grow back?
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Keep it dark or GTFO. I stuff the rug up against the bedroom door to keep the light from the hallway out.
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No lights at night. I need utter darkness. Not to mention we live in a 940 square foot apartment. Kind of hard to get lost in, ya know?
None of McD’s have sheds either but now I am really curious!
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I have a night light in the bathroom so I don’t have to turn on the real light and blind myself in the middle of the night.
At the Wendy’s near my place they keep the dumpsters in a fenced-off corner of the parking lot. The zitster employees have to go out there and hide inside the fence when they are on their smoke breaks.
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I worked at a McDonald’s around 1987/88. That is probably their maintenance shed. If so, that is where the hoses, brooms, etc. are kept for cleaning the parking lot. I never leave any lights on.
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Alice in WV – yes, I remember Gub’ment Cheese. They used to play the Empty Glass all the time back in the late 80′s. Checked them out many times.
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@Bill in WV the shed is filled with BUCKETS of pickles. That is what freaked Jeff out, that the pickles came in buckets.
Every fast food place has these sheds. Yep. Stuff to keep the parking lot clean, extra condiments, cups, ect…
We leave a few lights on at night here Jeff.
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There is a cow in that shed. And a clown. His name is Ronald. Will you be his friend? Ronald and the cow want to come to your birfday party. Please invite them.
I sleep with all of the lights off. I suppose I could turn the lights on, but then how would I know that they are on when I am asleep? How would I know if the are off? I would need to wake myself up again and again during the course of the night to make sure that they are still on (or off, as the case may be). Sounds like a recipe for insomnia ( a medical term for folks who cannot sleep because they are constantly worried about the status of their lights).
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I prefer to sleep in total darkness, but I think my neighbors have a spotlight pointed right into my window just to torture me. Bastards.
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That further evidence link is a hoot – the welding gas canister flying about is some of the best animation I’ve seen.
Add a few Wilhelm screams and a Goofy holler or three and you’re good to go.
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Hot damn! Is that a bikini top on bunker cam granny or a belt? As for the mc shed, I believe it’s where all the employees are locked up for the night.
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Hate to break it to ya Jeff but Blue Moon is a “fake” craft beer brewed by coors! the local coors sales guys “incent” the management to promote it over other craft beer! As for the huts behind Mc Donalds it’s common knowlege thats where they they store the Play-Doh they use to make the patties! Final thought you are a little old for a night lite:)
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The sheds are lavish but small dining areas for mockably small celebrities that do not want to be seen at a Micky Ds.
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The shed is where they keep the Ronald Mobile and the Grimace Copter!
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Bunker cam is Walt Disney the day he came out of the cryogenic tank
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The bunker cam hottie is wearing a blue armband. I guess to let the people at the club know that she’s of drinking age.
There should be nipples about 5″ above the top of her bikini top. But there isn’t. Maybe she was in a fire accident.
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Those McDonalds sheds are where they store all the pubes they save after picking them off of the urinals.
When the shed is full, they call a Nossy/Nancy type who take them home and knit sweaters and scarves, to save the world, you know.
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No lights on at night: enough light from the street lights seeps in to see where you’re going. Plus I kinda know my way around…I can even pull off a midnight pee with 100% accuracy.
Pagan is probably right about Blue Moon. I used to manage a micro brewery and a lot of micros up here would under cut the price of the big breweries. Because we were $15/keg cheaper some bars put the wrong stuff on tap. At one point our best customer was moving 30 to 40 kegs of our beer per week. He had 10 brands on tap, but all taps led back to our stuff. Another trick is to offer prizes to the bar staff if a certain product sells. For example if “Brewery X” is offering the bartender seasons tickets to the Leafs if a bar averages 100 kegs a month, I guarantee it won’t matter what the customer wants, the only beer to be poured will be from Brewery X.
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We do have a couple of nightlights around and we always have the front porch light on. The Evil Twin insists that a dark house is more of a burglary target if someone thinks no one is home.
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No lights in the house and only motion -sensing lights outside, one on the front porch and one on the back
I need total darkness for sleeping.
The McDonalds’ shed is so all the zit-faced teens have a place to go and knock one off. I guarantee more than one piece of ass has been had in that shed. The floor is probably laminated in used condoms.
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That Mickey D’s shed is where they keep assorted paper products and Carl, the Maintenance guy.
Call me a little sissy, but we have a nightlight in the bathroom down the hall for upstairs and small light in the kitchen downstairs. Otherwise, it is so blacked out dark that I would surely go flying down the stairs when I get up in the morning.
Also, it helps keep monsters away.
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The shed is where Grimace hibernates … for Kroc’s sake, let him sleep !
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So most of you guys are siding with Nostrils on this one, huh? I never thought I’d see the day…
And yes, I know all about Blue Moon. It’s a fake microbrew, made my Coors. I didn’t say anything about it, other than there are worse beers to be served. Like, for instance, actual Coors. We ordered Samuel Adams, and were served Blue Moon, twice. That was my point. You’re saying they do it on purpose?
Suddenly I’m irritated.
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I turn all of my lights out. In fact, during the evening if I’m Just watching TV or on the computer then there is no other illumination anywhere in the house.
Oh and living out in the middle of nowhere it is really dark. Not city or town dark but inside of a cow dark. If there isn’t a moon out then you can’t see your hand in front of your face. I can’t even see a street or “(in)security” light from my house.
Damn it is great.
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I need the dark. My ex-wife insisted on a night light in the bedroom, every night. And now she’s my ex, see?
No sheds like that in NC, and no McD’s at all in Siberia where I am now for another week. Coffee Time!
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Bill in WV – there are some old Govt Cheese mp3s on that website, too. Took me waaay back to my 5 – 7 long island iced tea nights.
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I ordered a Blue Moon ONCE.
Didn’t care for it.
I would have (maybe) drank the first one,
and sent the second one back, for sure.
If it has an orange sticking out of it, it belongs
at the salad bar.
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I think I know what they keep in those sheds-
http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,25322783-5006301,00.html
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Alice in WV
Check out North Country Brewery in Slippery Rock
The best beer anywhere and the food is great as well.
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Your story of waking up in total blackness reminded me of one time at WVU. I used to drink to blackout stage and have woken up in some strange places, mostly on somebody’s front lawn or floor somewhere, but one time I woke, still fairly drunk, in a total pitch black room. I mean nothing. I determined I was on a cot or something and then felt the wall and started to find a light switch or door. Being in that state my brain was having trouble with the higher functions and it felt I was in some sort of dream world. I failed numerous times to find anything but four solid walls, except one tiny closet with empty coat hangers in them. There was also no furniture in the room except the cot. I was picturing myself locked in some freak’s prison cell where I was to be methodically murdered. I believe I laid there for awhile, passed back out, the next time I tried, I found the door and light easily. I was in my buddy’s empty bedroom in a basement apt. with no windows that my friends had thrown me into. What a freakin’ relief. I must have still been thoroughly pissed during my nightmare and can still picture myself groping like a zombie for escape. Good times! I think I didn’t drink again for another 4 or 5 days.
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Funny you should mention the nightlight situation Jeff. Our upstairs hallway has no outlets for nightlights and I regularly go ass-over-tits down the stairs. Just this weekend, in fact. This time I ended up in the kitchen upside down against the fridge. Nothing like gravity-induced stair cartwheels at 6 in the morning to get the ol’ blood moving.
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No idea about the shed, but I’m giddy with anticipation for your next weekend’s update.
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Hahaha, someone mentioned Government Cheese. I had a college roommate in the early part of the previous decade who was a DJ at the campus radio station. Of course, college radio = unique music. One of his favorite songs to play was “Camping on Acid” by Government Cheese. I only remember one line from that song, and it went like this:
“Tent’s gettin’ bigger, tent’s gettin’ bigger, tent’s gettin’ BIGGER, IT’S A MONSTER!!!!”
Hehe, then there was “Elvis is Everywhere” by Mojo Nixon.
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Mate, I can’t bear ANY light being around when I go to bed. I have to have complete darkness. I can’t bear curtains (sorry, drapes!) so have blinds in every room but the ones in the bedroom are white blackout ones so they don’t diffuse the orange glow from the street lamp outside. There’s enough ambient light where I live at night to navigate the short (and straight ahead) route to the pan without incident (save the odd sleeping cat), so I’ve got no problem arriving at my intended destination.
Unfortunately, my ex-girlfriend wasn’t so lucky, and being a raging alcoholic got disorientated one night on her way to the toilet. Somehow she forgot that she hadn’t actually walked along the landing yet, and in a drunken haze she did what she needed to do in the bedroom, by the door. I was awoken to the sound of liquid splattering onto the carpet, and as I opened my eyes to see what it was her silhouette, squatting, mid-air, greeted me. For some reason, I leapt up, picked her up (she was only small, I’m 6’3) and she remained rigid, like some mannequin. I ran down the landing, with a rigid alcoholic, still in the squatting position in my arms, but positioned on her side, piss flying out in all directions and clamped her to the seat. Clean up the next day was a lengthy process. I should have left her where she was.
How I wandered onto that vile subject, I’ll never know – My apologies, but it’s early and I’ve had no caffeine. These days, I live alone, and can enjoy the blackness of the bedroom.
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