As one of the charter members of the Surf Report Staff I feel ashamed I have been away so long. Frankly, aside from Chris “The Angry White Guy” I was the first one to offer regular contributions to the pages of this site, in hopes of enhancing its humor and using the space as an outlet for things I observed as odd, unusual, or downright disturbing.
However, over time other projects in my life have caused me to shove my Surf Report work to the back of the stovetop–largely because those are paying gigs and this was an exercise in enjoyment. I don’t think I need to remind any of you these are hard times, and there’s no time for joy as one attempts to pay The Man every month.
Then came the e-mail from Jeff asking me to help out. It would be a one shot deal with no pressure, it rarely is anything more than that, but somehow Jeff felt compelled to remind me. Perhaps my bitter angst is missed here? Yeah, I doubt it, but at the same time I felt Jeff shaming me into service so here I am. Let’s get started shall we?
–I have NO trouble with folks working their asses off to find a cure for breast cancer. I am often impressed with the efforts some of the local folks will make raising money for the good folks at the Susan G. Koman Foundation in our local walk-a-thons and whatnot. God bless those who have survived it and God be with those fighting the tough fight–my heart is with you.
However, I refuse to wear pink. I’m annoyed by pink becoming such a fashion statement–even during the NFL games. As you would imagine now all of the high school and even midget league teams are getting in on the act. Football games are becoming a hodgepodge of what can only be described as Road Warrior Drag Queens. I’m also bothered by the peer pressure to wear pink if you’re a guy and don’t want to. My wearing pink will do NOTHING to help find a cure for breast cancer.
–I have a general annoyance with ALL forms of “wear a ribbon” causes. Everybody has some special colored ribbon which is supposed to be aimed at “raising awareness” of an endless list of horrible maladies. I have watched this unfold over the last 10 to 15 years as our society became more watered down in symbolism, with a major absence of anything concrete. Many believe just wearing a ribbon somehow makes them superior to the rest of us because they “care” more. To those feeling smug and superior because they are wearing a ribbon and I’m not…… F-U.
–Did you ever notice that any Barbie doll destined to be a “toy” and not a “collectors item” will ALWAYS wind up spending the rest of her life naked? My sister had a collection of these things when we were kids–they were always baring all. I visited the home of a friend recently who has a girl of Barbie age–and again, wall to wall naked Barbies.
–I sent this picture to Jeff the other day and thought he’d get a kick out of it. Perhaps you will too. It was sent to me with the message, “This picture confuses lesbian vegetarians.”
–I visited New York City for the first time the other day. About 10-minutes after I touched down at LaGuardia Airport I was waiting on a cab. The cabbie pulled up, jumped out, and immediately wanted to fight with the guy at the airport in charge of hailing cabs. He was cussing in strings of broken English with words I’d never heard before, and brother that’s some SERIOUS cussing right there.
–Why does EVERYBODY in New York expect a tip? I find it unreasonable to give a guy a dollar because he opened the door for me. Sorry, but I’m not paying you for that.
–I was in a Rite Aid in mid-town Manhattan and stood in line forever. Some extremely smelly guy was attempting to buy two tall boy quarts of Coors. He was pissed because the lady wasn’t going to sell them to him because he was drunk. When she turned around, he simply got them and started walking toward the door. I was standing in his way and he said in a gruff and rude voice, “MOVE!” I said, “No–pay for the beer asshole.” He suddenly became worried and tried to get around me. I continued to block him and he changed his tone and wanted to be my best friend. Yeah right buddy. Take a fucking bath and give up booze–you clearly can’t handle it. A large black man in charge of security arrived and took care of the prospective thief. The amazing thing, NOBODY even noticed what had happened or acknowledged anything. Back in West Virginia about four people would have jumped in and helped detain the guy, then we would have talked among ourselves about it for 15 minutes.
–Conversely, I was at the LSU-WVU game a few weeks ago in Morgantown. WVU has now started to sell beer in plastic bottles at the games. I was sitting in an aisle seat. Suddenly a plastic beer bottle came ROCKETING down the aisle, bounced, and struck a woman across the aisle in the head. Naturally she and I both turned around. There was a drunken dumbass with no shirt on about four rows back–who gave himself away when he said, “Sorry.” I looked at him and screamed, “What the fuck asshole? You just hit that woman in the head!” Others began to chime in and then her husband stood up. Oh, it was on then and he commenced a beatdown on the dumbshit with no shirt. Other fans finally broke it up and noble husband returned to his seat, satisfied he’d defended his wife’s honor or whatever. Security hauled old shirtless to the exit and came back to ask the lady if she wanted to press charges. She did not.
–Finally, I fly about once a decade. Therefore, it’s a clear indication of how far we’ve fallen in the airline industry when the only flight I’ve been on since 9/11 was delayed by three hours because there are no airline mechanics at the airport in Charleston, WV at 5am. What’s more, I’ve determined I’m technologically lost. I sat there with a Blackberry–which I consider pretty advanced. However, EVERYBODY has an I-Pod, I-Phone, I-Pad, Kindle, and several other electronic devices for which I have no name or any real use…all of them working simultaneously and in concert with each other. I guess my pencil and crossword puzzle book looked like I was going retro. Yeah–I’ll go with that. I also had several hysterical observations of the various people stuck with me in that airport before daylight–I had three hours and nothing to do other than observe. I’ll have to regale you with those thoughts at another time.