A Sunday Quickie: We Need Your Wal-Mart Shopping Lists
Hello Surf Reporters!
On Friday I devoted some time to the weekly mailing list, and you guys will start receiving once-a-week emails from the bunker again. The early ones will be labeled Surf Report 101, and will highlight a nugget of ridiculousness from the past. Then, somewhere along the line, it’ll change to Surf Report 201, and you’ll receive more advanced “lessons.” Etc.
Also, I have it on good authority that Nancy and her brood will be spending Thanksgiving with us. So, I can see a long-overdue super secret update or three in the future. It’s bizarre, but I actually pumped my fist in the air, like Billy Idol, when Toney told me the news. “Yes!” I yelled.
Man, we need some new Nancy… Ya know? It’s been far too long. So, if you’re not subscribed to the list, please do so today. The form is located in the sidebar, under the heading “A Most Outrageous Tale.”
Our recent poll indicates that many more of you like the new REPLY feature in the comments, than those who dislike it. And since I like it too, I’m gonna keep it. I apologize to everyone who hates it with a passion, but I think it might grow on you, over time.
All we are saying… is give peace a chance. You know, if peace was a WordPress plugin that enhances blog comments. Or something.
I slept ten and a half hours last night, which is ultra-rare. But it cut into my available writing time, so I’m gonna have to keep this one brief. I think we might have already tackled today’s Question before, but it was fun and I want to do it again.
Toney did the weekly shop this morning, and went to two stores: Wegmans and Wal-Mart. While we were putting away the groceries and stuff, I remembered a game the boys and I used to play, involving Wal-Mart. No, not the Wal-Mart Game, another one.
It’s simple, really. We’d try to come up with four items that can be purchased at a Super Wal-Mart, and try to create the most bizarre combination possible. For instance:
Shotgun shells, bra, carrots, sandbox.
You know, things along those lines… So, please give us your crazy-ass shopping lists. Use the comments link below.
And I’ll be back with a full-sized update tomorrow.
Thanks for reading!
Filed under: Daily
Foist?
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i can’t believe this. three times i’ve been first. and on a sunday no less. woo hoo!!!
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Ball powder, bicycle pump, birthday cake, ham.
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Glue,panties,nails,salsa
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tampons, fish hooks, pillow cases and lemon pepper
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dish soap, laxatives, dog squeak toys and fuckit I hate the reply feature
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Ham hock, KY jelly, automotive funnel, Martha Stewart magazine.
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Limey Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
KY jelly, automotive funnel and Martha Stewart? Oh good god the nightmares.
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Gretchen Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
Don’t forget the ham!
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Somehow I just can’t picture a happy fist in the air with the announcement of a Nancy visit…
Saran Wrap. Lye. Hunting arrows. Kiddy wading pool. Duct tape.
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Hello my name is Alex and I’m a serial killer.
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Alex Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 8:07 am
Shhhh don’t tell everybody! It’ll ruin the surprise.
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Tide/Car Battery/finger nail polish/condoms
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C batteries, toilet bowl brush, reflective vest, bag of funyuns.
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douche, tires, mr potato head, liver
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My dad gave me a grocery list once and asked me if I could run up and grab it for him.
Beer
Pretzels
Bubble Bath
I wasn’t even 21.
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Golf balls, chicken gizzards, dental floss, guns & ammo magazine
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My high horse won’t let me even consider possible purchases from THAT place. Sorry. It’s the only thing I’m really passionate about anymore–and beer.
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Potted meat, Basketball, Dirt, Petroleum jelly
Beer, diapers, condoms, handgun, bullet (This list is also a 6-word story)
Here’s some more stories in Wal-mart shopping list form.
Running shoes, stop watch, knee brace, box of twinkies
Suitcase, sunglasses, umbrella, universal remote
Steak, grill, lighter fluid, bag of fried chicken.
Finishing screws, clamp, wood glue, glue remover
Crowbar, rope, duct tape, buck knife.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 4:39 pm
That’s very creative. Wish I had thought of that.
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icecycle66 Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
yeah, you’re really missin’ out
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Limey Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 7:17 am
Alli, Wii Fit, Spot Shot, gallon of nacho cheese.
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I hereby submit a War Baby list:
- Bayer Back & Body
- vitamin B12
- anti-itch cream
- buckwheat flour (which they didn’t carry)
Today’s quote: “If you can remember being at Woodstock (the 1st one, of course) you were not there.” usually attributed to David Crosby
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Whoops, forgot (natch) – 40 pound bag of deer corn.
(Don’t ask.)
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goodys headache powder, richard simmons sweatin to the oldies video , motor oil , scented candle
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Good Afternoon (Evening?) Surf Reporters…
Motor Oil
Charcoal Grill
Tickle Me Elmo
Mechanical Penils
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icecycle66 Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
I think Wal-mart calls them personal neck massagers.
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pencils, goddamnit, pencils
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JCIII Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 9:15 am
If I reply to my own reply, is like dividing by zero?
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Prep H, 5lb. bag potatoes, hula-hoop, paper plates.
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There, now if I forget what I need at the store tomorrow, I can come back here to check.
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The Keystone light commercials, with Keith Stone, are kick-ass.
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birth control pills, tires, chitlins, Steven Seagal movies
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crockpot, pork rinds, K-Y Jelly, kite.
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Viagra
Condoms
Pregnancy test
Bassinet
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Six pack of Bud.
Bottle of Jack (in some states).
Carton of Marlboro reds.
Redneck wife lookin for some fun.
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Jenny Piccalo Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 7:07 pm
“redneck wife lookin for some fun ”
You better take a tour bus , lots of those in walmart.
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WB in OH Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 10:35 am
Sounds like Billy Joel lyrics!
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3 items to freak out your walmart cashier . this was a game my friends and I used to play …similar to this game .
Rope
Duct Tape
Butcher Knife
or
Vaseline
hamster
Tom Cruise poster
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toenail clippers, package of underwear, a can of silly string, a live lobster.
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Imminent Eninen… that’s very exciting news!
Necktie, neck brace, neck basket, Freez-pops.
“All we are saying… is give peace a chance.” Back in the late 60s I used to see that in graffiti form on the walls of subway stations. Frequently, right underneath that would appear “All we are saying is Dump Nixon.”
.
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As of last week, at our local WM, you can purchase Vodka (or your choice of liquor). While you’re there, you can also get rubbers, yarn and Swiffer pads.
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chill Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
My choice? I choose Lagavulin 16-year-old. Too bad WM is closed now; I’m almost out of Swiffer pads too.
.
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Hunting license, condoms with vibrating ring, durkee red-hot sauce, trolling motor battery.
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Steel-toed boots, strawberry shortcake, bicycle horn, Desitin ointment
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BBQ Grill, house shoes, a lamp, fish sticks.
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While I’m in solidarity with Vicki (never been in a Wal-Mart), I can still imagine the crap they carry…
fishing pole, assorted bait, waders, frozen trout
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wiffle-ball bat, catcher’s mitt, hamster, sponge mop.
charcoal, charcoal lighter fluid, bamboo skewers,
hamsters.
big tarp, cooking oil, whipped cream, rope.
slingshot, hamster, windex, window squeeqee.
hamster, clay pigeon launcher, shotgun, ammo.
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baseball bat, watermelon, popsicles, hardon cream
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Vicodin, Percocet, beach ball, alarm clock
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Gojo hand-cleaner, Marie Calender dinner, Magnum condoms, bible coloring book
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ten foot by ten foot sunshade with WVU insignia, 46 inch Panasonic Viera 1080P Plasma, Franzia Sunset Blush Boxwine, Band Aid Extra Large Flexible Fabric.
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necktie, Old Spice, butter, Glamour Magazine
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white gas, wine decanter, cotton yarn, running shoes
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helium tank, condoms, yard chair, megaphone
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Canned mincemeat, clip-on tie, 103 pc. socket set, Justin Beiber curtains
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Halcion, Hall & Oates CD, fertilizer, blasting caps
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Glug, Goop, Gunk, camera
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Wesson oil, kitchen table, body paint, hose
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Must. Stop. Now.
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Reflective tarp, high intensity lights, damp-rid, 100 mph tape.
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Panty liners, chewing tobacco, Rid-X lice medicine, malted milk balls
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Not a WalMart 4 list…but a slightly disturbing story nonetheless:
Parkersburg/Vienna Walmart last month. My friend and I were relaxing on a Sunday, so decided to do a bit of target shooting. Lacking bullets, we went to Walmart. My friend picked out a box of bullets, and a guy standing behind him in the bullet line remarked to him, “Good choice…with the “coming times” I bought a whole case of those last week.”
Like, WTF? Did I miss something of these so called “coming times” over the past month or so?
Did this man have some Nostradamus type perception skills that clued him in to the impending death of Eddie Fisher somehow causing rioting in the streets?
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Valentin Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 9:54 am
He must like to watch a lot of Fox News.
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Clint…
I personally rioted when Eddie bit it; thank God I confined my rioting to WA, and only the west side at that..
jtb
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Powerpuff girl bed sheets, 75w-90 gear oil, Fambly portraits, Deer urine.
Jack stands, Dexatrim, New glasses, Howard the Duck dvd
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Just to be totally fair, I don’t know whether Wal-Mart really sells hardon cream. Perhaps one of the reporters could check, or, knowing already, provide the straight story.
thanks…
jtb
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Holy Surfers, thank God for self checkout, is all I can say.
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Clint, not to state the obvious, but I assume you know that your conversation with the man at the Parkersburg/Vienna Walmart wasn’t about Nostradamus or Eddie Fisher. It was about the Negro in the White House. In the parts of my own state where the school systems have vaporized there are similar conversations. Just smile and nod and walk on.
jtb
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Hi, nOprah. Has Wal-Mart infected Canada? Join in.
jtb
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Ofcourse it has, maybe though, not quite the clientelle that I have seen on some of the WM sightings – could be that I am not there at the right time. Unfortunately can’t buy booze there. You know a town’s made a name for itself if it has a Walmart and Tim Hortons.
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Walmart took the plunge into Canada by buying out Woolco around 1983, and basically Changing the name on the store. If I remember right, it was the only way Walmart was able to establish a footprint due to zoning, and general resistance to the big bad Wally. . Woolco, being around Canada for a few decades was really just a smaller version of Walmart, so a name change and those damn smiley faces was the only real change we saw… With their foothold in Canada Wally did the classic Walmart stomp by acquiring land mass and building those giant stores. They still meet resistance, and do not have the free hand they seemingly have in the US of building a super center wherever the hell they want (ie: Strathford Ontario) but generally, money talks so you see wallys popping up in places that have traditionally been void of big sprawl stores.
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Alex Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 8:19 am
1993 ,my trucks an ’83.
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Alex Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 8:23 am
Okay, 1994.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walmart_Canada
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Jeff – On further evidence – Thank you – It’s nice to know I can faithfully rely on this site for disturbing images. I didn’t make it through the video but watched a little longer than I shoulda – kinda like watching ‘Deliverance’.
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Thompson Center Maxi-Ball, potting soil, John Wayne Movie & avocado dip.
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beef jerky, Pampers, cat litter, The Clapper
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Good Morning Surf Reporters…..
I just noticed in my above comments that my link is broken. Further investigation reveals I put a dot com at the end of dot com.
I was drunk.
4 more random items
Calculator
Hemorrhoid creme
Knitting Yarn
Parcheesi
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JCIII Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 9:27 am
If I reply to myself, would that be like dividing by zero?
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Dave's not here, man Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 12:37 pm
Your shopping list reminds me of the constipated mathemetician – he worked it out with a pencil. Ba-ding!
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Michael Jackson “This Is It” video, bag of rubber bands, fingernail polish remover, can friskies of cat food
Oh Debra Algebra Ebneezra Kadabra!
Witch Goddess, Witch Goddess of Lankershim Boulevard!
Cover my entire body with Avon Cologna
And drive me to some relative’s house in East L.A. (Wooden dog!)
(Just till my skin clears up)
Turn it to Channel 13
And make me watch the rubber tongue
When it comes out
From the puffed & flabulent Mexican rubber-goods mask
Next time they show The Brnokka
Make me buy The Flosser
Make me grow Braniac Fingers
(But with more hair)
Make me kiss your turquoise jewelry!
Emboss me!
Rub the hot front part of my head
With rented unguents!
Give me bas-relief!
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Lets see…
Visqueen
disposable camera
knee highs
Wesson cooking oil
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Valentin, Fox and News in the same sentence?
We have TWO Walmarts in my fair city, TWO. One of them is even a SuperWalmart. The South end Walmart was at the time the largest purpose built non-conversion Walmart north of the border. I’m not saying that with pride.
Alex your URL is busticated.
Shopping list
Angelina Jolie Poster
2lbs of liver (need superwalmart for that one)
Vaseline
Wet wipes
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1)Jockstrap w/ built in steel protective cup ,
2)Best of Barbara Mandrell CD,
3)2 riding mower tires,
4)8 pk. of Vienna sausages
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Chainsaw, bath towels, a potted bush, NyQuil
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Late as usual:
Tucks, Immodium, magazines, toilet brush
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Speedo, Sunscreen, Boogie Board, and a big floppy hat
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