A Scattered Update, Nothing Is Working, Grrr…
I’m having trouble with the website, and don’t do well with trouble. For some reason I can’t upload new pictures, at WordPress or the old FrontPage site. It makes me crazy. I don’t understand how everything works a certain way for many years, and then it suddenly doesn’t. There’s no known catalyst for this issue, and my right hand has been WHIPPING through my hair. Look at the picture I had to use today!
Will somebody please wipe me down with a wet cloth?
And speaking of frustration, I was contacted last week by a publisher who wanted to use three photos that I snapped and posted to the site many years ago. They needed the original, non-compressed versions, and said they’d pay $500. This wasn’t a hoax, it was a real offer.
I didn’t know if I could locate the originals, but started looking on Friday morning. I have a shitload of CDs filled with photos downloaded from various cameras I’ve owned, and I began looking at them all, one by one. A couple of hours later I got to the bottom of the stack, and hadn’t found any of the pictures.
So, I started searching the hard drive of my computer, as well as the external hard drive where I store my massive Phil Hendrie sound library. No luck. And by this point many hours had passed…
Where the hell could they be? I was pacing the house like a caged, obese tiger. I never delete photos, my OCD wouldn’t permit such a thing. And it was driving me to the brink.
Then a cartoon light bulb illuminated above my head: Maybe they’re on my previous computer?!
I dragged the tower up from the basement, dusted it off, and hooked up the monitor and keyboard from Toney’s machine. Then I started the search all over again. I was certain they would be there, and began patting myself on the back for thinking of it.
And, to make a long story a little less long… I dedicated most of the day to this chase for five hundred “easy” dollars, and never found the photos. Isn’t that fantastic? My nipples are exploding with delight, just thinking about it again. Sheesh.
A few days ago we had pork chops, with potatoes and carrots, for dinner. It was really good, but all four of us got the hiccups during the meal. Is that weird, or what? Have you ever witnessed such a thing? What do you think might be the cause? Help me out, won’t you?
And do you have any sure-fire hiccups cures? I do, but it’s a little difficult to explain. My grandfather taught it to me, a long time ago, and it always works. It’s all in the breathing, you see. If you can change the rhythm of your breathing without taking a deep breath, you’re home free.
Do you have any hiccups cures to pass along to your fellow Surf Reporters? Use the comments link below. Also, is there a certain food which always triggers hiccups for you? Every time Toney eats white bread, she takes off again. What the crap?
I now have the electronic versions of my “book,” and could theoretically start selling it in the Kindle store today. But I’d like for the physical version to be available at the same time as the e-book. And I’m still a couple of weeks away from finalizing all that stuff. But it’s getting close, very close. I’m excited.
I’ll leave you now with another questionable Question, in addition to the ones above. Do you know how you’re sometimes in a noisy place, and all of a sudden everything goes quiet for no reason? Well, last night something like that happened at work, in the break room. The place was filled with the standard crowd noise of dozens of people talking, and suddenly there was silence, and: “No fourteen year old needs a pair of $20 panties!”
It was loud and clear, and seemingly amplified. Then everyone busted out laughing. Can you remember this happening anywhere? It seems like I have a really good story on this subject, but can’t currently find it on the hard drive inside my head… Dammit! Here we go again.
I know this is a scattered update, but that’s the way it goes sometimes. I’ll try to be a little more focused tomorrow.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
Filed under: Daily
number 1 oh yeah!
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I’m really looking forward to reading your book. Like, seriously.
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Jeff…
Sorry to hear about all the manure today. Hope you can snowplow through it until it subsides. I’ll have an update on the Jeff Kay Crossroads Tour 2011 proposal later tonight or tomorrow. Just as a teaser, my idea for the Pittsburgh stop includs a beautiful woman roaring up to the busking site on a Harley wearing Fuck Me Pumps.
I await breathlessly the availability of a “real book” copy of Crossroads Road. It will move to the top of the stack.
The only firmly established hiccup cure is death, and, in some cases, even this wasn’t quite enough.
best wishes…
jtb
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bikerchick Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 9:30 am
“…..Just as a teaser, my idea for the Pittsburgh stop includs a beautiful woman roaring up to the busking site on a Harley wearing Fuck Me Pumps…..”
That could easily be arranged. All I ask is that Jeff autograph my Harley AND FMP’s.
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Rat Bastard Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 10:50 am
Book signing at Jack’s?
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bikerchick Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 11:31 am
Perfect!
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Alex Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 4:21 pm
Photo?
Of the harley and FMP’s.
While being worn and ridden, just to clarify. =-)
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chill Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 4:39 pm
Wearing the harley and riding the FMPs? Just wondering.
.
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I’ve never witnessed a mass hiccup event. For me, cucumbers always lead to a bout. I can usually stop them with a drawn up lower gullet belch.
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Drinking water from the ‘far end’ of the cup works for me.
I’ve never used the term ‘far end of a cup’ before but I think I like it!
on a loosely related subject;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OQKhonG-EY
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Ian the Errolite Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 3:02 pm
Somebody must like the ‘muffit of tea’ sketch?
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WB in OH Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:28 pm
Yes it is funny Limey. However, (oh boy here comes the however) I had to wait for everyone to leave the office so I could turn the volume up a bit. It’s hard for this yank to understand the lines with the heavy accent. Just curious, do you have trouble understanding us yanks, say like a Dan Rather, who most of us in the midwest would say has no accent?
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Ian the Errolite Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 9:14 pm
I have no problems with accents of any kind (apart from what they talk in some LA hip hop movies with all the hands and finger signals ‘n’shit).
I do find it funny that people don’t understand the Scottish accent though, especially when I’m toning it down and ennunciating very carefully. It seems fairly clear.
I don’t understand.
The Glaswegian accent in the clip is pretty thick though.
Here’s another Scot on the same subject.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xmm3Whc53Dg&feature=related
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chill Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 9:24 pm
That’s good – “care to explain yourself?” But still, I understand the Dundonian better than the Glaswegian.
I know Spring has Sprung a couple of days ago, but it will be Whisky Season until I decide it’s not. At this time, I require a drop of Glen Grant. A wee tickie, as my Dundonian friend might say.
Hip Hop might as well be Greek; same for hardcore Texan, e.g. Boomhauer.
.
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Sweet Sainted Mother of Father Guido Sarducci -
I’m in the top ten today AND officially became an Italian Citizen!
It’s a good day!!
Happy Wednesday, Surfers!
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WB in OH Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 9:06 am
Cool! And congratulations Knucklehead!
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madz1962 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:28 pm
Congratulations, Knucklehead! Where in Italy do you live?
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debra Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:47 pm
Father Guido Sarducci is actually from Lorain Ohio! Their claim to fame!
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Oh, and for hiccups:
Bite down on a pencil (like a Spanish dancer with a rose) far back in your mouth as possible and drink water.
Sorry, but I know of no other way to describe that. Works every time!
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Smashing your thumb with a hammer will cure hiccups. So will having sex. If neither opportunity is available, lay on the floor with your arms above your head, this stretches the diaphragm and can fix yer hiccups.
HICCUPS = Elevators in WV
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The two sure fire ways to get rid of hiccups for me is to eat a big spoonfull of crunchy peanut butter (preferred method) or holding my breath as long as possible without passing out.
My two year old gets hiccups at least once a week and has since birth. He doesn’t even seem to notice when he gets him so we just let him go.
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Jimbo Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 8:08 am
The holding-my-breath method works for me too. I hold it for 30 or 40 seconds until I’m almost about to pass out, and then the hiccups are gone.
Any time I suggest it to a friend with hiccups, they hold their breath for only 10 seconds and then say that my method didn’t work.
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debra Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:49 pm
Pork causes all kinds of digestive problems.When I have hiccups I get a glass of water, hold my breath, and keep taking small sips until I need to breathe
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Swallowing 12 sips of water while holding your breath is as sure a cure as i have ever encountered. Important that it’s water– nothing carbonated, or i’m pretty sure you will get super-hiccups and your diaphragm will explode.
And yes, the sudden-silence thing has happened to me so often that I now talk quietly in any social situation, just in case!
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madz1962 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 11:31 am
I do the breathless water swallowing, too. Works like a charm!
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Swallow a teaspoon full of white granular sugar. That usually works for me.
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Jeff, about the problem with uploading photos… you haven’t hit your data capacity on the web host, have you? That’s the only idea I’ve got.
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hiccup remedy: spoonful of mustard
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WB in OH Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 9:05 am
I’ll keep this in mind but I think I would have to be about a week into a hiccup jag before eating a spoonful of mustard. I like mustard but a whole, plain spoonful? Body shivers!
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icecycle66 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 10:32 am
I’d rather stab myself in the dial-a-fragm witha harpoon than eat a spoon full of mustard.
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Root 66 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 10:34 am
That’s almost as gross as a spoonful of mayonnaise!
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WB in OH Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:59 pm
Give me a spoonful of Miracle Whip and I’ll be all over that like a fat man on cake!
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icecycle66 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Or a fat man on Miracle Whip, perhaps?
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WB in OH Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 3:04 pm
Guilty as charged!
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debra Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:51 pm
Miracle Whip….We are the rebels and we don’t care! We are the Miracle Whip people!
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WB in OH Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:31 pm
Have you noticed the new commercials where they are encouraging people to take sides, love it or leave it? I noticed the first one after we had the last discussion on here. It was like an advertising executive surfs this site and had a brainstorm!
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t-storm Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:42 pm
I’ve learned that both fucksticks and douchenozzles both appreciate Arby’s, it’s good mood food.
I bet even Nancy would like it if she tried.
Another way to cure hiccups is to imagine Nancy staying at your house for a week whilst on her monthlies.
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clintcurtis Reply:
March 24th, 2011 at 4:29 am
I’ve found a spoonful of Best Foods Mayonnaise to be helpful west of the Missisissippi River, but to the east, Hellemans works best.
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Chilli, before it gives me the sweats…. Not great when you are trying to snorkel down a curry. And peppermint makes me sneeze! And half the people at work make me want to throw punches. Does that count?
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do as kenju says – but no allowing the sugar to dissolve OR chewing it.
I do wish that sudden crowd silence was programmable. Could have used it on numerous occasions, mostly to tell people to shut the hell up. Yes, I resent working in a cube farm, what of it?
Congratulations Knucklehead!
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Skully,
I never would have thought of sex as a hiccup cure. But since you mentioned it, I have never had the hiccups while sloshing around.
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bikerchick Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 9:36 am
Sloshing around? In who’s hallway are you sloshing your hotdog around?
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Brittney Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 10:44 am
Hahaha
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Dangle a spoon between your index and middle finger in a tall glass of water and drink said glass of water in one long pull. (Chug!)
As for lost easy money, somewhere (I hope) in my house is $1,000.00 savings bond. I figure it’ll turn up when and if I my move. I think I put it some place safe so I wouldn’t lose it. It may have went out with a pile of junk mail, that’s the only reason I haven’t turned the house upside down. The truth may be to much to bear.
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I’m a little OCD with certain things, such as keeping manuals, and especially receipts, for expensive and semi-expensive items, in case they have to be returned within the warranty period. I keep them all in folders. So my daughter’s DVD player craps the bed in a little over a year, BUT I bought it on a CC that extends the warranty! But I can’t find the receipt. It’s not in its designated place. I turn the house upside down, acting like a lunatic. I knew it had to be somewhere. I secretly suspect my wife had something to do with it, but I do that with most things that usually turn out to be not true. Got online and found the day and price for purchase. But it didn’t state what the purchase was for! End of story? The damn thing started working again.
Which is another thing, I’ve had a lot of electronics that have shit the bed. I leave them alone for a few months in their coma , turn ‘em back on and they work again.
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fryguy Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:35 pm
cure for all things electronic: unplug them, leave them sit for a couple of minutes and plug them back in. This lets the charge dissipate off of the caps and resets the processor. This works about 90% of the time. Turning them off does not do the same thing, you must unplug them.
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fryguy Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:36 pm
ps: if it has a battery like a phone or laptop you must remove the battery too.
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Who claimed Elizabeth Taylor on the celeb watch?
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AngryWhiteGuy Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 10:42 am
madz1962 and Misselle both get points for Liz.
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madz1962 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:29 pm
Liz has been in poor health for years now. RIP, Liz.
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zoe whistle dick Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:38 pm
Yes, I didnt know that she had been hospitalized for the last two months, though. Anycrap, good call, madz.I will continue to keep an eye on Jessica Simpleton.
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debra Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:54 pm
She was both beautiful and talented R.I.P.
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Maybe the pig had hiccups when they slaughtered it?
Holding my breath usually makes hiccups go away. I don’t seem to get them very often, though.
Is that a picture of a mango I see at the top of the page?
When I was in high school, (while the earth was still cooling) when a kid would slip and fall with his tray in the lunchroom, it would become absolutely silent–then the entire room would erupt in applause!
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Drug Delivery Guy Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 11:57 am
“Maybe the pig had hiccups when they slaughtered it?”
Are you talking about Elizabeth Taylor?
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Root 66 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 2:27 pm
No…Jeff’s hiccups after having pork chops. Sorry for any confusion!
R.I.P., Liz.
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I get rid of my hiccups, by controlling complete breathing. Inhale completely. Fill to your entire lung capacity. Hold it for a second. Force all the air out of your lungs as fast as possible. Do this for a few minutes. You’ll end up hyperventilating, but that’s cool; you then get all light headed, and that’s cool too. Eventually your dumbass will pass out, and that’s cool, and you’ll not have the hiccups when you wake up.
Bread is usually the culprit for my hiccups as well. “What the crap?” indeed.
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A friend of ours always has ‘theories’ on everything. He is one of those people who does a shit load of retarded things and always has some long and winding anecdote about why he did it. One thing he was seemingly right about though, is when you get the hiccups, you lean over to the point where your head is upside-down and drink water. More than likely, you will spill it on yourself at some point, but surprisingly, it worked. Our other friend who gets hiccups regularly (lasting hours, even days at some points) finally tried it one day and they were gone. He just looked at us, wide eyed and yelled excitedly “HOLY SHIT THAT WORKED!”. During a night of drinking, my boyfriend will often get the hiccups and he tried it as well and it worked again. I haven’t tried it. I don’t get the hiccups very often, but I plan too.
The same thing seems to happen to be with trying to design my blogspot page. I have sat for hours before trying to figure out how to center a picture for my header. I’ve designed web pages before, and for the life of me, this fucking website refuses to allow me to center my picture no matter what codes I’ve entered. I went to the help page to see what advice was being offered from there, but none of that helped me either. Finally when I got the picture to center, it will mess up the entire page. The picture will be centered, but the background will disappear, or the entries will all be bunched up on one side of the screen into a narrow tube of words. I finally just gave up and said ‘fuck you blogspot’. I ended up just picking a format that’s offered by the site and called it a day. Another thing that’s been pissing me off lately is that I put my boyfriend’s sister’s high school graduation pictures on the computer, and I swear that whenever I’m looking for other pictures, these pictures pop up everywhere. A few weeks ago, his mom was asking me if I could print them out for her. So of course, I go back on the computer to put them on a flash drive, and naturally, they are missing. There is even a folder called ‘Jess’s graduation pictures’ and it’s empty. They’ve so ironically been sucked into the laptops black hole of shit. I hate that laptop.
When I was in high school, I remember that during lunch (200 people or more) would be eating and there’d be a dull roar of conversation going on, then all at once, it was like everyone stopped talking at the same time for just a couple seconds and the room would go silent before it started back up. Always weirded me out.
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Hiccup cure: drink about four cans of beer. Wait…that sounds like my “lunch break.”
The spoonful of peanut butter trick normally works for me.
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For a hiccup cure all you need to do is go out to your car and inhale some of the air from your Blizzaks. Works a peach.
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Hiccup remedy? Think of a purple cow. I usually get 3-5 hiccups after everything I eat.
I can’t seem to find my 2009 income tax papers. I found 2010, 2008 and even 2007 all stacked nicely in a little pile. No 2009. ‘What the crap’?
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Henderson Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 11:24 am
Did you put it in the dryer? I’m always losing socks that way!
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My cousin always claimed that vomiting was a good way to get rid of the hiccups. He’d have them about once a week, then he’d gag himself with his fingers and fall over in a choking fit. A little puke would come out, and he’d be “cured”.
I found that eating a heaping spoon of peanut butter always works. Do you remember that girl on the news a while back that had the hiccups for 8 years straight, or something like that? I e-mailed her and told her to eat a tablespoon of peanut butter. She said it cured her. So I mailed her a bag of my pubic hair and a picture of my cock. And anyway, we aren’t talking any more. I don’t want to get into it. Ungrateful bitch.
Blizzaks, goddammit.
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madz1962 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 11:47 am
Didn’t that hiccup girl go ape shit and murder someone?
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Jason Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:15 pm
I think she got her face ripped off by her friend’s monkey. And they got some pictures of her snatch when she got outta the car without any panties on.
Listen to me, people! The sooner we stop buying Taylor Swift’s records, the sooner she’ll be forced into porn to support herself.
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madz1962 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:32 pm
No – she really did go bat shit crazy:
http://abcnews.go.com/US/hiccup-girl-19-charged-degree-murder/story?id=11963845
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Jason Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:55 pm
What’s the deal with her fucking eyebrows? Good Lord!
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bikerchick Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Everyone knows…you NEVER try to pluck your eyebrows when you have the hiccups. JEEZ!
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T. Farty McAppleass Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:47 pm
She looks like a burn victim.
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madz1962 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Maybe her cellmate has contraband candles and can wax those caterpillars off.
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Kevindust Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:56 pm
Jason, you are on fire today!
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Hashbrown Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 2:10 pm
Thanks for the laugh, Jason.
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Brittney Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:32 pm
lol! She should of have took some of that pubic hair and glued it to her eyebrows for a more even look. I’m not sure which were worse…the catapillars on her face when she was the ‘hiccup girl’ or the uneven peices of shit she called eyebrows after she went crazy. Either way, I’m sure her eyebrows are the least of her worries.
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Brittney Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:32 pm
*at this point.
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Jason Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:47 pm
Well, the pubic hair was blonde. Might not have looked so swell.
Madz, hope the surgery goes well.
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I usually do the water without breathing trick for the hiccups, too. And if it takes a few tries someone will ALWAYS ask me “Are you ok?” Leave me the hell alone while I’m drinking and concentrating. Christ, I could be bleeding from every orifice and nobody would bat an eye.
On a different note – wish me luck – I go under the knife tomorrow for a torn meniscus in my right knee. I think I did it by shovellong 476 cubic tons of snow this winter. Doesn’t that blow?
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zoe whistle dick Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:40 pm
Oh man, good luck.
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Gretchen Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:44 pm
Good luck! Enjoy the Vicodin!
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bikerchick Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:45 pm
Good luck, madz!. Hope you’re up and around soon! I second Gretchens comment….enjoy the vittie’s!!
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madz1962 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Thanks, all. I’ll need them. I’m not exactly the most graceful gal so the crutches should prove to be interesting. If anyone hears a loud SONOVABITCH coming from the Northeast, that will most likely be me.
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debra Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:58 pm
hope all goes well! Try not to be too afraid. It will all be over soon!
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WB in OH Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:59 pm
Good luck madz.
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Greg Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 7:23 pm
Good Luck, madz. We’ll go jogging Sunday.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 7:40 pm
Good luck!! Hope you don’t get one of those jack-legs from the Bangalore School of Medicine. If they get confused during an operation they just start amputating.
just kidding…I’m a kidder.
=8^-)
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clintcurtis Reply:
March 24th, 2011 at 4:36 am
Good luck madz! I live in Alaska and know how much shoveling snow sux. I came up here from Seattle, and the first few years of shovelling were a great novelty, and I took pride in having the steps into my house, and two parking spaces totally devoid of snow. After 16 years, it’s like, “WTF? It’ll mostly all melt before the first of June.”
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Alice in WV Reply:
March 24th, 2011 at 1:20 pm
good luck, madz. It does blow. it bites and it chews.
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I volunteer time with our youth at church and bunch of us were in the office working on a video. There were 10-15 teenagers in there both boys and girls, several conversations going on at once, and one of the boys (about 15) was telling me how he had left his “netbook” computer there overnight, the whole room just got accidentally quite when he said “its so small I just forget about it sometimes…” The whole room burst into laughter and he got up and left, speechless because there’s no explaining that one to a group of teenagers.
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i have heard of the sugar remedy, i was out at a bar and my friend got the hiccups and the bar tender gave him a small cup of water with a spoonfull of sugar in it, he drank it and his hiccups went away. i also think that all these “cures” are just ways to dristract urself from the hiccups and hope they go away in the meantime.
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Gotta agree with Jason’s cousin. Finger down the throat ends hiccups immediately. However, I don’t go to the point of expelsion. Just to the point of a forced huge burp or two. Hiccups gone- right away.
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AngryWhiteGuy Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:53 pm
Maybe I meant “expulsion”. Feelin’ like Norm Crosby today.
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My money’s on Zsa Zsa being next.
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madz1962 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:03 pm
I’m leaning towards Andy Griffith – Jesus Christ on a bicycle – he sounds like Dick Clark.
Who is also another contender.
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Jason Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:12 pm
I saw Andy on a commercial recently. Looked like he was already dead. He barely hold his head up. Didn’t they chop off what’s her name’s legs or something? Remember her weirdo husband who claimed to have fucked Anna nicole? Yeah right, pops. He claims to be a duke or something like that. I can’t wait for him to die. Old cunt.
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madz1962 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:22 pm
I think Andy is shilling for some Life Insurance company. And when he started to make those gutteral sounds I thought Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick, stop embarrassing yourself.
Oh and Aunt Bea was a mean bitch of an alky. Just in case anyone wanted to know.
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T. Farty McAppleass Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:34 pm
Somebody should put him down, for fucksake.
I could see Aunt Bea being a drunk. I bet she never got laid. I had a dream one time where I had my head up some lady’s dress. Turned out it was Aunt Bea. Opie was sitting in the corner, jacking off. Took me weeks to get another erection.
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bikerchick Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:54 pm
madz: You’re on a roll today too!!
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madz1962 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 2:38 pm
bikerchick – it must be the “going under the knife” jitters. And this is only a small little operation. Christ, they better start that IV as soon as I walk in. Never mind that pesky “Patients Bill of Rights” shit.
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debra Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:00 pm
Aunt Bee was a Stank Old Lady
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Ed Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 11:22 pm
Aunt Bee had a front butt.
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fryguy Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 4:01 pm
Andy lives in Manteo NC. When I lived at the OBX I worked with a guy that lived near him growing up, said he was a real dick and was always coming out and yelling at them. so much for mayberry values… If you go to Mt. Airy where he is from it’s nothing like Mayberry, big time tourist trap. It was fun riding around in the old Ford squad car though!
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madz1962 Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:29 pm
Ralph Waite (old man Walton) used to live in Katonah, NY. He hung out at the local Hardware store. Rumor has it he was a cranky mo fo.
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Brittney Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:37 pm
Did anyone bother to watch the Oscars? I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say Kirk Douglas. Not Michael, which was my original person, but Kirk is now my new one.
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Re: lost pictures
Didn’t you have a laptop ? Or is that the ‘normal’ computer? If not…could be on laptop.
Look for more CDs with pictures.
Did you look in all subfolders?
Did you search by various filenames of what you would call the picture NOW if you saw it?
And, Which pics do they want? I’ll bet the fat woman near the pond at the park where you fish is 1.
I think Nossy took the pics, when he picked up your scooby doo underoos.
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If you are a man and want to cure yourself of hiccups, you have to hit yourself in the balls until you puke. If you’re a woman, there is no cure. Maybe try lighting a fart with a zippo lighter or rub your tits with chicken fat.
I think Liz Taylor faked her death.
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bikerchick Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 4:06 pm
First, I do not light my farts…after all…I am a lady. Second, chicken fat stinks. Crisco is a much better choice. Just sayin….
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A bartender once gave me a small amount of bitters on a lime slice, it worked like a charm on my hiccups.
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Bill in WV Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Same here mudpup, but it was lemon with bitters on it. Tasted like shit, but felt better than what felt like my stomach trying to turn itself inside out through my esophagus. I can also do the controlled breathing thing, but that causes me to fart every 15 seconds, for some reason.
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Why are you still looking for the pictures?
Just click the big magnifying glass over your house.
It’ll bring up an empty box, type in what you are searching for.
Give it a few minutes and dozens of things not related to what you are looking for will spew forth from the doors and windows. Dig through all that shit and you’ll find that which you seek.
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Henderson Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:41 pm
Happy hour came early for someone today.
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For some reason, Barq’s root beer gives me the hiccups. Only beverage around that does that.
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debra Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:03 pm
Pancakes do it for me!
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
It’s already been mentioned, but I concur; a spoonful of sugar is the surest way to stop the hiccups immediately.
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a fist in the ass cures most hiccups.
My newish computer is a real dickhole. You can barely run itunes and firefox at the same time without it “thinking” every 4 or 5 keystrokes. It’s enough to drive a man batty.
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Hashbrown Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:34 pm
“My newish computer is a real dickhole.”
Love it.
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Brittney Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:42 pm
I have to say that my laptop is probably worse. It’s only a 2 year old Toshiba laptop and out of nowhere, the thing just got so slow it’s almost not even worth using. It’s about as bad as a Mac computer from 1988. One day it just slowed waaayyyy down and won’t pick back up and when you do manage to get a link to pop up, the thing sounds like it’s struggling miserably to pull anything up. I tried downloading new McAfee software to it thinking it had a virus, restored it, and even went as low as to try a scan with http://www.mycleanpc.com. It scanned the computer alright, found about 700 things wrong and then told me to add my credit card for one low payment of $80 bucks a month or some shit. $80 BUCKS A MONTH? That’s roughly what I pay for Cockcast every month and that’s not saying much. Needless to say, the computer still runs like shit and mycleanpc.com is a load of fuck.
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CADude Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:38 pm
Check your available network connections–you may need to delete some unused wireless networks. Sometimes Windows will add a wireless connection for a new place (Starbucks, e.g.) and won’t delete old ones. Then when you turn on the laptop, it looks and looks and looks for all the wireless connections, slowing things down.
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Brittney Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 8:13 pm
Ok-So, I took your advice and went and checked the wireless networks…you were right, there were 11 unused networks, some of them as far back from the beginning of 2009! I deleted them all and deleted a few other pointless files on the computer, and its working nicely now. Thanks for the advice! Lets see how long this lasts tho…
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CADude Reply:
March 24th, 2011 at 11:08 am
You’re quite welcome. I kinda sorta figure that I owed you one…
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Kevindust Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:46 pm
Cockcast…coming soon to your cable network. All cock, all the time. Be sure to check out Themed Thusdays, this week it’s dairy dicks featuring the premiere of Velveeta Dreams starring Jason.
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George Carlin once did a routine about when everyone at a party is really loud and everyone’s talking at the same time…but every once in a while everyone shuts up at the same time, and only your voice can be heard: “I know, I know, so then, I got my testicles laminated!!”
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Beer gives me hiccups. The only thing that cures it is more beer.
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Bill in WV Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Or shots of Jaeger.
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Brittney Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:43 pm
Amen.
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Shit! Hail the size of canned hams!!!
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Greg Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 5:31 pm
Yea, And I got caught in it! Where was I? Belpre Kroger, of course. My gosh, I thought my car would be totalled. I drove through that shit all the way to North End in Parkersburg. All the streets were super-flooded. By the way, Walmart was total milfs today. You just never know.
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The only hiccup-causing thing I can point to with certainty is the time I ate a whole fresh habanero. Retard. There will be no further testing.
The only hiccup cure that has worked more than once is: inhale, swallow, inhale, etc. until unable to inhale any more. But this doesn’t always work. I don;t have hiccups at the moment, but I’ll be going with bikerchick’s cure right now. You know, as a preventive measure.
And Knucklehead, congrats! I toast you with homemade limoncello.
.
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Fine update and terrific comments today. Seems like old times.
Too bad about Liz Taylor dying of hiccups, but I refuse to believe that talk about Jason and Aunt Bea. Oh, I believe the Jason part; I just don’t think she’d do him.
Knucklehead, I shall drink a toast to you and Giuseppe Garibaldi tonight, and bikerlady, as always, thanks for your generous response. We’ll get Jeff to sign you wherever you’d like. I predict, with the scene as we envision it, the YouTube version will go viral faster than WB can consume a spoonful of Miracle Whip.
Happy Wednesday to you all.
jtb
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Here’s a fundraiser I will be getting behind:
http://cincinnati.com/blogs/dining/2011/03/23/beer-fundraiser-for-japan/
And for those of you who like good old fashioned nordic dishes:
http://communitypress.cincinnati.com/article/AB/20110323/NEWS01/103240316/State-says-Ohio-funeral-home-can-t-liquefy-bodies?odyssey=mod_sectionstories
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Cannot help but wonder how long we will be looking at the green pepper.
Remember in the 2nd grade you are given these vocabulary workbooks that you write in? I will testify to the day I die that I learned a dumb but solid solution to curing the hiccups from one of those workbooks.
No water. Milk.
Hold your breath and swallow the milk.
While still holding your breath, tilt you head to the side
and stick your finger in your ear until you can no longer hold your breath. CRAZY, right? It works for me every time.
Also — asking someone what they had for lunch yesterday
seems to help cure someone else.
Something about the thought process required to recollect ends the hiccups.
Jeff I hope you find those pictures and get the site worked out. I do not know enough about WP to assist on this issue. I am fumbling through it myself!
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Then…”Hold your breath and swallow the milk.
While still holding your breath, tilt you head to the side
and stick your finger in your ear until you can no longer hold your breath.”…should initself qualify as a “thought process required to recollect” so therefore, the mere recolection of the steps involved on the way to the cure, is actually the cure itself and not in fact the oxygen deprivation excerise and the tilting akimbo and the poking of an audio-sanctuary while continuing to hold your breath seconds short of blackout.
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About 25 years ago, there was an off-strip hotel/casino/restaurant in Vegas called the Paddlewheel.
Their claim to fame was all-you-can-eat crab legs. I can’t remember the price, but the 2+ hour wait for a table hurt worse than the bill. You could also drink while in line, which never hurts.
The dining area was literally about 3/4 the size of a football field. It was like a super Wal*Mart, you could see the curvature of the earth, people disappeared over the horizon in this place.
SO…we’re making pigs of ourselves eating sea spiders. The racket in this place was such that you almost had to yell to carry on a conversation at your own table.
About 20 feet from our table was a couple that had the look of a first date about them, and the girl was babbling nonstop at a volume level and pitch that would make dogs scream for mercy.
Then…there was a brief break in her yammering, and she let loose a sneeze that would have extinguished the Chicago fire. Think David Lee Roth screaming ATCHOO at the top of his lungs, with a microphone and a full PA system.
The entire room went dead silent for about 5 seconds, then someone clapped…that caught on until the whole room was clapping and cheering, and the girl whose sneeze could drown out a train whistle had her head buried in both hands. (her date was laughing, if I remember events correctly)
We didn’t hear a peep out of her the rest of the meal.
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Jean Jennings Bartik died this afternoon. She didn’t quite invent computer programming, but she was present at the creation, and did invent programming techniques that are still in use today.
She did so while a thousand men around her carefully explained that a woman couldn’t possibly program a computer. Turned out they were wrong.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/TECH/innovation/03/23/computers.bartik.obit/index.html?hpt=C2
jtb
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t-storm Reply:
March 24th, 2011 at 2:29 am
When I was in engineering school one of our brightest classmates was my friend Karrie. She looked like a stoner and was an alcy but was still number three. I learned to never underestimate her. I may make jokes but I don’t think women are in any way less than men in brains.
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Jeff…
You disliked the pic of the green pepper, and described the update as scattered. But somehow, we’re busting through 130 comments with little sign of slowing, so I guess you produced something evocative. Of course, several of the regulars sorta got on a roll. Were I not pretty sure that these Reporters are geographically disperse, I would suspect that a huge fuckin coke shipment just cleared the border. Hey, I know I’m way up here in the upper left of the country, but feel free to deal me in next time, guys. Thanks.
And keep your pepper up.
jtb
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The comments are off the charts. Some true laugh out loud moments.
Totally off the subject but knowing my fellow Reporters the way I do…this will be appreciated…
On my way to work today I saw a PINK port-a-john truck with “Certified Poopologist” written on the side. Now there’s someone proud of their job.
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Gretchen Reply:
March 24th, 2011 at 9:50 am
I guess you survived that lovely weather we had in the ‘Burg yesterday. We just had thunderstorms and hail. Hope all the other Yinzers are all right.
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Liz got a little whacky in her dotage. Here’s a favorite moment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9vk5vUzuXc&feature=player_embedded
She goes from Edith Bunker, to Darth Vader (ball baby emo-kid version), to Wolfman Jack in 13 seconds flat.
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Nathan “Leaker” Andersen, formerly of Boone, Iowa, awoke today after a month long coma due to a bowel obstruction and immedietly got the hiccups. When asked if the hiccups were troublesome Nathan replied, “I’d rather have my ass stuffed full of Brillo Pads anyday.” Nathan has been trying several ‘cures’ and so far only masterbation seems to help.
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Liz used to fuck Jacko, but that might just be a rumor. But I think she used to fuck “Bubbles”, that’s confirmed.
I saw a guy at the gas station yesterday. We were pumping gas. He said to me, “I’m an artist. A martial artist.” I said, “Okay.” Then he got in his car and drove off. Makes no goddamn sense. I’m still upset over it. Was he trying to pick a fight? Is he a “patient” somewhere? I don’t know. The whole thing has me up in arms.
Add my name to the list of people that want to see bikerchick in her FMP’s.
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WB in OH Reply:
March 24th, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Were you dressed like Daniel LaRusso?
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Jason Reply:
March 24th, 2011 at 2:06 pm
No, I was wearing my normal outfit: a pair of coconut tits and a viking helmet. And business socks, but nothing else.
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Drinking carbonated beverages through straws, Dr. Pepper (with or without a straw) and jalapeno peppers always give me hiccups. Eating sugar is the only cure that has ever worked for me.
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