A Few Quick Things, vol. 431
I told you recently that my eMusic account refreshed, and I had another fifty (fifty!) songs to play around with. Welp, this isn’t something you can just go jumping into all willy-nilly. Oh no, much contemplation must take place.
For instance, I like to download full albums only; I’m not really a cherry-pickin’ kind of guy. And since the credits don’t carry over from month to month, I attempt to use EXACTLY fifty songs — no more, no less.
So, you see, it’s a little like working a puzzle. If I get this one, it’ll only leave eight songs, but if I go with that one, I’ll have eleven and can probably find something good with eleven songs it… On and on it goes, for days, sometimes weeks. It’s part of the fun, really. And next month I might start using Microsoft Excel to help organize the process.
In any case, here’s what I finally settled on:
Justin Townes Earle (12 songs) Son of Steve Earle, my favorite communist country & western singer. This thing has the critics a-slobbering, AND he covers the Replacements. How could I not get it? I mean, seriously.
M. Ward (14 songs) I literally knew (know) nothing about this guy (or is it a band?), but several of you suggested I check out the latest album. So I did, and love it. I’ve been burned by a few critics’ darling dirge records recently (Bon Iver), but this one has plenty of life in it, and wit as well.
Robyn Hitchcock (10 songs) The brand new album by one of my favorite artists. I had a conversation with him and Peter Buck once, in Raleigh. Robyn was exceedingly friendly, and even drew a cartoon for me on the back of an envelope (it’s a long story), but Peter looked at me like I was wearing a full sash of turds.
Young Fresh Fellows (14 songs) A great album I own on vinyl LP, but never got around to buying on CD. A classic from my hipster days.
So, there ya go. On March 23 I’ll have fifty more songs, and it’ll start all over again. Can’t hardly wait!
And just so you know… Those four albums cost me $14.99, and it would be exactly $36.97 at iTunes. Oh yeah.
When I slapped my contact lenses on my eyeballs yesterday morning, I could tell something wasn’t exactly right with the left one. It was a tad uncomfortable. So I took it out, squirted it with saline, rubbed it around in the palm of my hand, and put it back in my eye.
And it felt OK for the first five hours or so. Then it started stinging, and I eventually had tears rolling down my cheek like that garbage Indian.
By the time I got home this morning, around 2:30, it felt like someone had jumped out of the bushes and stabbed me in the left eye with a pocket knife. Possibly the scissors (or fish scaler) blade on a Swiss Army knife.
I really need to keep some solution in my desk at work. It’s one of those things I intend to take care of, way off in the abstract future sometime.
Because I don’t think I’d really enjoying wearing an eye patch for the rest of my life… Sure, it seems kind of cool, but I have a feeling reality might be a little different than fantasy.
From Netflix I recently received The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. I remember thinking I’d like to see it, but when I opened the envelope I noticed it has a running time of 2 hours 39 minutes.
So, it went right back into the mail. Funk dat. Two hours is too long, in my opinion, and two and a half is out of the question. If a director can’t tell a story in 120 minutes or less, it’s not a story worth telling. You know, generally speaking.
Next up: Burn After Reading. Running time: 96 minutes.
I’m completely addicted to lists. I scribble them in my notebook all the time, attempting to bring order to my chaotic life, I guess. I build a to-do list for every day of the week, one day in advance, and another that covers the whole weekend.
For today I have three items written down, and haven’t completed any yet. This update is one of them, though. So, by the time you read this, at least one task will be completed.
The weekend list only has six things on it, which includes the three from today. I used to make the mistake of hopeful estimating, and would create unreasonable expectations. Then I’d get all worked up about it, and want to slug myself in the genitalia.
So, you see, I’m becoming very skilled at this list-making. I’m pretty good at being realistic, while still pushing myself. I can make you a list of the best list-making practices, if you’d like. Just let me know, and I’ll add your list list to my list.
A few nights ago Clive Bull asked his listeners what they’d miss most if they left England, and the responses were pretty interesting. So, let’s try it here… What would you miss most if you left the U.S. or Canada (over 85% of you are in the U.S. or Canada), especially if you moved to a country that hasn’t been Americanized (yet).
Also, I know there are a few American readers now living abroad. Like Taiwan On and Aaron in Australia… If you guys could tell us what you miss the most about the good ol’ U.S. of A., if anything, we’d be much obliged.
And I’m not really talking about high-horse stuff like freedom and liberty either, I’m talking about Cheetos and that sort of thing.
Also, I’d like to know what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen lying in the middle of a road. I once happened upon a full-blown upright piano, on I-64 in West Virginia. The thing had apparently fallen off the back of a truck, and was fucked nine ways to Sunday.
Plus, there were sofas and ladders on 285 in Atlanta, almost daily. Seriously, almost every day.
Use the comments link to tell us your stories on that subject.
And I’m gonna turn it over to Buck now, and call it a week. Here’s his latest, which I know you’ll enjoy.
You guys have yourselves a fantastic (that’s kind of a gay word, isn’t it?) weekend.
And I’ll see you on Monday.
Filed under: Daily
TaDa!
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Nope…I’m busy…someelse take second
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I’ll take second.
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Tada!
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1st
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6!!
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I once saw some buckets of white paint dumped on the road surface of a bridge in Pittsburgh. It was during rush hour. I figure the construction company listed on the bucket label was getting a few calls the next day.
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What would I miss most about America if I left the country?
Hmmmm? Mexicans?
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ice. i’d miss ice.
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I’d miss ice in my beverages. And, I think I’d miss holding the fork in my left hand and the knife in my right – assuming I moved across the pond and fully assimilated.
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Is this the correct about the quality of emusic’s Mp3s:
192Kbps ( VBR, LAME -alt-preset-standard)
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Mr. Knucklehead and I are toying with moving to Italy. We leave Tuesday for a fact-finding/properrty searching mission. Can’t find a job that will allow me to continue living in San Francisco, so I though we’d just downsize completely and jump ship.
I know from talking to other expats over there that they miss “customer service”. Yeah, I know. Well, if you think it’s bad here, you should see it over there. Seems like I may need to keep myself medicated for the first year or so.
Oh, and Ziploc bags. Evidently they don’t exist in Italy.
Happy Thursday, Surfers!
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A wheelbarrow.
I’d miss Desolation. I like being able to go on a drive and not see anybody for hours on end.
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Buck, hilarious update. Good to have you back.
He wasn’t lying down, but I came up over a knoll doing 70 or so on the highway and there was a state cop standing in the middle of the road pointing for me to pull over. Scared the hell out of me.
Would miss the English language and football.
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If I moved abroad I would miss the large selection of toilet paper, and stick deodorant, everwhere else I have been told uses john wayne tp & the goopy roller ball kind of deodorant.
The weirdest thing in the road I ever saw was a boat (ski type fairly large) no trailer sitting in the center lane of a six lane highway, getting to the lake and discovering it missing must have been damn disturbing to whoever was pulling it. We thought it was pretty funny though.
Found a fark link about Scranton, never been there but it made me think of …well you know.
Anyway here it is http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4263612
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As far as weird stuff in the middle of the road, I got nothin’. But stuff on the side of the road is another story.
There is a hike/bike trail that runs parallel to a road near my house. A few months ago I came across a turkey between the trail and the road. The weird thing is that it was not a living turkey but a beautiful, fully cooked, ready-for-the-Thanksgiving table turkey sitting right there in the tall grass. WTF. I actually had to touch it to see if it was real. It was soft and juicy and looked like it had just come out of the oven. Adding to the strangeness is the fact that at this spot in the trail the nearest house is probably 1/8th of a mile away and there is plenty of wildlife in the area yet this bird was untouched. One of the legs had been surgically removed and stuffed in the body cavity but other than that I could not find a nibble of scratch on it anywhere.
I considered placing it on a nearby stump so that it could be seen from the street in case someone was looking for their lost main course but decided against it.
I was deeply disturbed for several days and still can’t come up with a logical explanation.
I’ll keep you posted.
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I can’t believe you used the word ‘welp.’ I was so ruffled I couldn’t even concentrate on the update.
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tipping. wait….
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
I’m not really sure about anything at this point. I’m going to close the door to my office and take a nap.
Have a great weekend everyone!!
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A horse! Drove around a hair pin turn in Fayette Co., WV and there in the middle of the road about 5 feet in front of my car is a white horse, just chill’n in the middle of the road. Almost had to change my pants!!!
I would miss Dairy Queen Hot dogs!
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I can’t beat a piano, but I was once traveling on 64 in WV near the Hinton exit in “the early hours”. I was all alone on the road and listening to Coast to Coast when I hit a cloud of undies. By cloud I mean this seemed like more than one whole truck could hold. There were bras and panties everywhere on both sides of the road, the shoulder and even some up in the trees. The wind was whipping around and the designer skivvies got caught up around my wipers and in my front grill.
Right around the White Sulphur Springs exit my car started overheating (I found out later it was caused by the garments that had been stuck up around my gille) so I stopped in the McDonalds. I rolled up in a car cover with women’s undies just as a bus of sleepy High Schoolers pulled in to get breakfast.
There was much fun had by all and I’m sure even today I’m in someone’s facebook photo album for that one.
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It is funny how many references to I64 there are. I64 must be a shit magnet for people’s wanted and unwanted hauls.
Strangest thing I remember is when a Lumber Liquidators truck wiped out near the 29th Street of I64. Then, all the rednecks started stopping alongside the interstate to steal the hard-wood flooring that had spilled from the truck.
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Also digging Justin Townes Earl.
If I left the US, I’d miss the 24/7 instant availability of it. I was stationed in Germany, and while it does have its charms, it’s kinda thin on 7-11s and 24 hour Taco Bells.
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A Buck update in rare form, I bow my nappy head to your unprecedented affliction with the dynamics of lingual expulsion. Fuck it , your damn good dawg!!!
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diet coke. can’t live without it.
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I’ve been outside the US and even in the worst third world countries I have not missed it.
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The only things we get on the side of the road here are deer carcuses speckeled with an occassional dog, cat , possum or racoon.
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My emusic account rolled over last week, and I’ve already used all 50 songs, and still have almost 30 albums in my “save for later” folder. I will download individual songs to fill in the corners, especially if the “artist” is known for pumping out albums with 18 tracks, of which only 2 are worth listening to (the Killers for example). My only complaint with emusic is that their album selection seems to be hit and miss. For example, they have a lot of Kinks, but nothing before 1970 (you know, when they were actually good).
I also have to agree with Jeff about Bon Iver and the general state of alternative music the last two years. It a sad thing when the genre that brought us Husker Du, Soundgarden, and Nirvana, is now hell bent on putting us in a coma…
What would I miss about North America? Bathrooms! I’ve been to Europe and I believe there’s only about 3 public restrooms in the entire convenient. It’s so bad in Paris that the entire city smells like piss from people wizzing in the street. Even when you do find a bathroom, the facilities are only adequate when compared to the 3rd world: many have toilets, but not sinks. In turkey most washrooms still feature open holes in the floor, and I kinda doubt that things are better in most of Asia (with notable exceptions like Japan and Taiwan), Africa, and South America.
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I know I’ve seen strange things on the highway, but can’t recall anything specific at this point.
I lived in Germany for a year as just a regular citizen and I missed regular milk. My family bought the kind you keep on the shelf until needed. Luckily I landed a babysitting job where they had regular milk, yes, in a glass bottle that was taken back to the grocery store. So, anywhere I went I would miss cold milk.
And they do make ice cubes, at least in Germany, but they’re in little plastic blister pouches.
What I miss about Germany is the peace and quiet.
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The weirdest thing I have ever seen on the highway was an albino moose. We had one living in Alaska a few years back (don’t know if it’s still alive). I was going fishing and came around a corner of the highway and sure enough, albino moose.
Also I love the WVSR, but am new to this commenting process. I don’t mean to inflame , but why do some commenters here post with absolutely nothing to say? Such as..
“I’m not really sure about anything at this point. I’m going to close the door to my office and take a nap.”
This isn’t benefiting anyone, and it just confuses me why someone would take the time and effort to say….nothing. nothing at all.
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I always wonder about the lone shoe by the road. How do you lose just one shoe? Where is the other one? Has anyone noticed it’s gone? Is someone walking around all lopsided and wondering where their shoe went?
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once outside of my apt. in brooklyn, in the middle of the street, was a large pile of human poop.
but since it was in brooklyn, i don’t think it was all that unusual.
there once was also a red rubber band spill that lasted for three blocks.
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Weirdest thing I’ve seen in the road here in Nome, Alaska was a grizzly bear running down the middle of the road…being followed by a police car with lights flashing, escorting said bear out of town.
Inanna, ditto on the milk. I spent a year at the South Pole back in the 1990s, and we had the boxes of milk. Ours was so old that the solids had seperated out and filtered into a solid brick on the bottom, covered by milky colored water on top. Totally disgusting!
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Nothing to see here folks, please move along.
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Just go with it, Ivan.
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I’m English living in the USA so I’ll give the reverse view.
I miss English bacon and sausages. American bacon and sausages are simply awful. Most other food stuffs I get a hankering for I can get here, but meats no.
I miss the BBC. American TV is uptight censored drivel by and large. Although with the intermesh I now download most things I want to see.
I miss religious fuckwits being mocked and marginalized. Here they get pandered to.
That’s about it though.
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Jason likes cheese.
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I’ve been living in Germany now for almost 10 years. I’ve gotten used to things like no ice in beverages; by now it’s mostly small stupid stuff I miss:
- Butterfingers
- Peanut butter chips and butterscotch chips
- The cereal aisle (seriously, the cereal selection over here is sad. Very, very sad.)
- Gardenburgers
- Good diner food
- 2-for-1 margarita nights
- Chipotle
- Target
- Old Navy
- Driving (I’m a small-town Kansas girl – driving over here freaks me out.)
Can you tell I spend my visits home eating and shopping?
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Ivan it’s what keeps us sane! Had a tractor trailer blow a tire in front of me once Giant peice of rubber went flying over the roof of the car & hit the car behind me didnt phase me one bit! pulled into a truck stop an hour later bought a soda & was shaking so hard I couldn’t drink it! What I miss about the States since I moved to Northern Mexico! CHEAP BEER & LIQUOR
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Att: Limey: Salad Cream,Mark’s sandwiches,Bitter Lemon,Sage&Onion stuffing,Real Branston Pickle,LondonPride & Adnams on tap,steak&Kidney pie with sides & base not a damned piece of flaky pastry sitting on top! Lurpak Butter,Marmite,decent magazines,TopGear and driving on the wrong side of the road!(not to metion Greenback bacon rind on!)
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This is pretty easy. Here’s my list:
Cheeseburgers
Pizza
Red Sox
Bars (places where you can get a burger or pizza while watching the Red Sox)
Oh sure, if I drive to Taipei i can get a burger or pizza. Or go to a bar (Malibu West is excellent). But I spend most of my time in the sticks. Rice and noodles is pretty much the menu.
And I can watch the Red Sox on MLB.tv, but it’s at the wrong time of the day. And those MLB.tv people blow the big one.
btw, Cheeto’s are readily available here. Dinner last night was Cheetos and spicy potato chips.
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In France and Italy: I missed my dirty martinis on the rocks, Marlboro Ultra Lights, my parents and large size servings of coffee.
Jeff,
I would love list of the best list-making practices. I can’t seem to avoid the unreasonable expectations so put me on your list.
Buck,
“What would a build up of fat in a poop shoot slickened by shit dating all the way back to the late 1970’s actually look like when it’s finally deposited in the porcelain receptacle?”
Here are some pictures if you can stand it:
http://www.blessedherbs.com/bh/test_photo
I actually did this clease and they do not lie-it was f-ing amazing.
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CC: People who actually photgraph their poop have surely forfeited their right to live on the planet with the rest of us!! I find it interesting the only thing they seem to have in common is they all dine regularly at Moe’s!
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I once saw a dead body dumped on the side of the road in central florida. I could only see the legs and feet poking out of the bottom of a big black lawn-size trashbag. I pulled over and vomited, then went back to catch the street name to call and give to the cops. Upon further inspection, it turned out to only be a roll of that pinkish wall insulation.
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RUN, as fast as you can, in the opposite direction of Burn After Reading. WORST. MOVIE. EVER.
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I once saw HALF of a horse in the middle of the highway.
I saw the other half (minus the head) about 1/4 mile up the road.
This was on I-95 heading towards VA from NC. I was on my honeymoon.
Good times.
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AZCOBound – There were a couple of funny parts, but for the most part, I agree… Nearly complete waste of time. 93 minutes of my life wasted. (the other 3 minutes were good parts)
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Burn After Reading is great! The first time I saw it, I knew a lot of people would dislike it. But it’s one of the Coens’ best.
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@ Pagan: Our Kroger has an international section. I’ve purchased salad cream there.
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Back during the Beanie Baby craze, when McDonalds was offering them, I was driving along I-285 in Atlanta when I came across a bunch of people literally running around in the middle of the interstate. Turns out that a box of beanie babies had fallen off a McDonalds truck and people WERE STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSTATE, HOPPING OUT OF THEIR CARS, AND GRABBING THEM!!! I tried to hit a few of them (the people, not the beanie babies), but they were moving pretty quickly.
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I’ve got something for your list… last monday’s weekly recap email.
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During a summer abroad I was totally jonesing for a Dr. Pepper. After about a month of being DP free I remember I had just hocked a loogie on Stalin’s grave in the Moscow Red Square when I saw a Dr. Pepper sitting on top of a pyramid of various cokes (that’s right, I call all carbonated beverages of color cokes) and I think I went into a full on sprint to the gypsy with the beautiful display to pay a significant sum of money (relative to the cost of other cokes) to enjoy that bubbly beverage.
Now I wouldn’t give a seahorse shaped shitlett about Dr. Pepper since I rarely partake of cokes anymore.
I’d certainly miss always having a slew of ignorant rednecks / bleeding heart liberals at my disposal for mockery, but I imagine you’ll be able to find mockable people most places in the world.
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I posted before reading the other comments cuz I was giddy about being mentioned in the WVSR. After reading the other comments, I’ve got to say something.
The world is not split into two parts: USA and not USA. It is split into hundreds of parts, called countries. What is available in each country is pretty random.
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Good to ge an update from Buck – don’t make us wait too long for the next one.
BTW, Fantastic is OK
Fabulous is Gay
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‘like that garbage indian’ — this is why i come here every day. never see it coming but get the best belly laughs ever on the wvsr. thanks jefff.
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“tears rolling down my cheek like that garbage Indian.”
Now I KNOW we grew up in the same era.
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1990 or 1991, I had an apartment in Green Tree near the parkway one mile west of the Fort Pitt Tunnel (Pittsburgh suburb). One day, a refrigerated truck that was hauling cheese overturned and dumped the entire truckload over the guard rail literally 50 yards from my back door.
This was huge 25 pound blocks of Asiago, cheddar, swiss, provolone, mozzarella, etc. All wrapped in heavy plastic and ice cold. When I walked over to see what was going on with all the police cars and fire trucks, I noticed a guy that had to be the truck driver standing around, so I asked him if I could grab a block of cheese. He said take what you want.
I got some of my neighbors involved and we pilfered about 500 pounds of it, borrowing refrigerator space from others in the complex. Even had a cheese fondue party. Gave away huge chunks to co-workers for weeks.
I did not shit for weeks either.
Also, a few years ago I was in South Philadelphia on business, stopped at a traffic light behind a produce delivery truck. Light turned green, and the truck pulled out very fast causing a wooden crate to fall off.
Since I could not proceed without moving this crate, I got out of the car to move it out of my way. It was 40 pound box of cactus pears, which I love, and they are expensive. Took them home and ate them until I was sick of ‘em.
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:::shaking head at Ivan::::
you either “get it” or you don’t/
Keep reading.
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I’m from Houston, but I’ve been living in South Korea for going on a year now. What I miss most about the U.S.A. is the…. Mexican food. What does that tell you?
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Jeeze CC:
Poop on a stringer or stick?? In a colander? Why fish that out? Once it’s cleared it should be left alone, or incinerated. That stuff looked like it might fight back! I don’t think I could ever take something that would result in shitting a sock monkey on purpose. Disturbing.
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Ivan…can you see Sarah Palin from your backyard?
Next…?
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@Pagan, yeah but I can get all that jarred/bottled/packet stuff at Wegman’s or from Amazon. For some reason I can’t get English meat products – no problem getting Italian meats, but then the Italians wouldn’t know a good sausage if it was goosestepping south over the Alps.
I’d miss TastyKakes if I was in the UK
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@Pagan
What amazed me was that not only did they photograph their poo but that they then allowed it to be posted on the internet along with a face shot!?! WTF?
@Taiwan On
You are right, there are certainly TONS of things I miss about France and Italy that I will never get in Loganville GA. and I can’t wait to find out what I will miss about many other countries as well!
@Carla
“Shitting a sock monkey”? You’ve made my evening, first time I have laughed out loud in a while:0)
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btw, I did manage my fast with no photographic evidence, chopsticks or colanders and I did NOT lose 20 lbs.
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Ivan…those that openly question the magic that is the arbitrary and random post are usually verbally castrated here. So let me put this gently in, hopefully, a downy snuggle soft managable way…consider this an olive branch…
“I’m not really sure about anything at this point. I’m going to close the door to my office and take a nap.” is a valid post that many of us not only enjoy but understand and for that we thank JCIII for taking the time to enlighten and grace us with it.
We now know that JCIII is not only here with us,but gets paid handsomely (office door denotes private space for working more important than cubicle minions) to take naps. It says, I love you all but I just don’t have it in me to give my all…and I must get back to my extremely valid work and I will address this issue with all of you later, or not, depending on the length of my nap and the duration between Jeff updates because if a new one comes during my slumber I might just comment there instead.
You see…it wasn’t a non comment comment. It was a full, well designed and eloquently executed comment.
Have you learned a valuable lesson here? I think you have and it is this…when you posted….”Also I love the WVSR, but am new to this commenting process. I don’t mean to inflame , but why do some commenters here post with absolutely nothing to say? Such as” You absolutely knew you had real potential to inflame or you wouldn’t have defended it in the first place.
Now sit back and go for the ride and you too will soon embrace these little nuggets of joy and delight.
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I would miss ice. In Europe if you ask for ice after a disdainful glare you get a few cube floating in the glass. Its not like they have to tow down icebergs and chip the things off.
I would miss miles. I grew up in the 60′s & 70′s but I don’t cotton to the Metric system.
I would miss Tasty Cakes, cheese steaks and hoagies,
I would miss NFL football and the Superbowl.
I would miss the ability to own a 6 ton vehicle even if I don’t want want to own one.
Okay now I am down to patriotic stuff so I am done
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Limey and Pagan…
Walkers crisps, Polo mints, Milk Tray…
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I was on the Ohio turnpike behind an 18 wheeler when one of it’s retreads flew off and up into the air. It felt like slow motion, though we were both going about 75 mph. I watched this huge strip of rubber fly and gently maneuvered my car to avoid it, just drifting out of it’s path. Had I not moved, it would have been through my windshield.
I would miss stuff that I couldn’t get here, like the famous Primanti Sandwich. I would try to enjoy and make the best of the stuff my new environment offered. If I was desperate, I’d try to get my favorites FedExed to me. The sandwich would be soggy.
So that wouldn’t work.
Buck, I hear that commercial every day on the radio.
15-20 pounds of Spackle or paste.
Ladies, do you feel fat today? I love that line.
Has anyone done a preparation for a colonoscopy?
You’re not 15-20 pounds lighter, for sure.
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A-game today.
Thanks Jeff.
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I guess I’d miss rednecks.
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I have been living in Japan for 7 years now (not related to the military) and there are lots of little things that would make it so much better – a Taco Bell, for one. I know, it’s shitty “mexican” food but damn, it’s good stuff when you only eat it once every couple of years.
I also miss the Doppler Radar on the nightly news cast. In Japan the weather guys use these little animation sumo wrestlers to show that a storm is coming in. They actually think that a cartoon character can predict the direct course of a typhoon in mid-September. Talk about being functionally retarded…
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Jeff-
Get one of those small bottles of re-wetting solution for your contacts, rather than lugging around a big bottle of saline solution.
Weird things in the road: on a county road (speed limit was 50), came up rapidly behind a large truck going very slowly. Couldn’t see anyone coming in the distance, so I pulled out to pass the truck. Turned out there were 4-5 large cows walking in the road. Narrowly missed them as I passed the truck. There were no houses around so I have no idea where those cows came from or were going to!
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Mark How’s the Kimchee?
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Hootie my local Britshop has Roast Lamb flavoured Walkers even I think that’s whacked!
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@CC..thanks, not sure why I looked, but I just threw up in my mouth.
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Did you know that if you are the 2nd person to hit a cow your insurance will only cover 50% of the damages? True story!
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Ha. Cannot see through the tears.
@Willie Williams – that’s called “momiting”
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I would miss Mountain Dew and guns.
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Things I miss about the US: Real milk in containers larger than 1 liter, Fritos, hockey on TV, snow, people with a sense of humor, music that was made more recently than 1983, being able to go somewhere at an average speed of more than 20 miles/hour, people who are different colors, and have different natural colors of hair.
I’m just sayin’.
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The best wierd sighting I had was a huge dead hog along the road I live on. The thing was about 300 lbs, and what made it even better, was I got to watch the local cop (A-hole extroardinaire) wrestle it into his trunk. I just stood by and lent no assistance, aside from the occasional snide remark.
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Another I-64 sighting….I was headed home one day and passed a full dinet set, table and six chairs, in the middle of the interstate. Cars were flailing all over the place trying to miss them….it looked like the BIG wreck at Daytona with everybdoy getting off the throttle and driving down into the grass….the only problem was there was no grass–and no warning. For those familiar it was immediately after the big curve west bound after crossing the Fort Hill bridge and if you were in the far left lane–it is highly likely a cherry leg would pierce your radiator. A tracktor trailer hit one of the chairs squarely and sent a hail of splinters amid the cars behind. What an event.
Buck Out
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“like that garbage Indian” – that was a VERY good line.
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I saw a dead beaver on the side of the road in downtown Memphis,Tennessee, It was in the ghetto at the corner of Crack and 8 Ball, nowhere near any source of water. I had to turn around just to make sure it was really a beaver
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I’ve only been there twice but I damned well miss Churro’s(?), without a doubt. Oh, and friggin good outlet stores…. God bless America…..Sob…..
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Oh, and I once nearly ran over a guy at night who was having an epileptic fit in the middle of the road. I thought it was a rug!
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I think that ties with the HUGE python I ran over on the way home through the rain forest. About 6 meters long (about 19 feet)!
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“like the garbage Indian” – love it!!
The strangest thing I have seen on the highway was on the way from El Paso to Juarez, Mexico. I was riding with colleagues to go to our manufacturing plant in Juarez, and there was a dead horse on the road. The man I was with said “wow, I thought that horse would be gone by now – it’s been about a week.” Uck.
I know I would miss ice cubes. Made with safe water.
I drive an SUV that gets 17 mpg, and I LOVE IT !! I can’t imagine having to own a little car just because it gets 35 mpg, but has no room to take a deep breath. I would miss my little 1/4 acre yard – I know it’s not much, but I have friends in Germany that have no yards, and in Juarez that live in apartment buildings.
I’m sure there are lots of little things I would miss, but fortunately, I’m staying here in the US, so I won’t have to find out.
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Dont even ask what the yellow liquid is in all those platic milk jugs the truckers throw out of their windows between Laredo and San Antonio!
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Plastic Dammit!
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“I saw a dead beaver on the side of the road in downtown Memphis,Tennessee, It was in the ghetto at the corner of Crack and 8 Ball, nowhere near any source of water. I had to turn around just to make sure it was really a beaver”
Yeah, I see random beaver all the time when I drive through the ghetto. Whuts da big deal?
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Glad I could help.
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The strangest thing I saw on a road was on the PA tunrpike last year. There was 1500 Ft of road without a pothole. Very unusual.
I would miss the 2nd Amendment the most if I left America.
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~ Northerner on Holiday
That was a concise and articulate explanation to our new friend(s) on exactly why we post here.
Your descriptive narrative on certain work environs was almost spot on.
I only wish I was paid handsomely. I’m paid more like the ugly red headed step child.
And yes, after a lengthy respite in both upright and prone positions, I do have something to contribute to one of the topics at hand. While I have never really noticed anything large and out of place on our nations highways, I have always wondered;
What’s up with always seeing just one shoe on the side of the road?
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On my one and only european vacation, I missed the absence of public land. In the US of A there is lot of “government” land where it’s okay to drive down a dirt road, pull over and camp/fish/loaf to your heart’s content, for free. While a Euro tourist, I’ve camped in unmarked, seemingly open places only to be awakened by a private game warden or farm hand demanding cash, or my immediate absence. While my countrymen bemoaned the lack of ice cold beer, I developed a taste for room temperature brew, which I find to be more flavorful.
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Once, I saw an overturned Krispy Kreme donut truck. It was a glazed mess all over the asphalt. The only thing that’s ever come close to that was an overturned chicken truck on I-16 somewhere east of Macon. That was fun.
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Rural highway. Minnesota. Truck full of pigs with the back gate open. Pigs tumbling out of the back of the truck. I think I made eye contact with one.
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Mr. Buck
I appreciate the mention of my shop. But don’t be fooled !
I’ll git ur saw fixed when I git damned goo and ready… mudder phucker..everbuddy wants dare shit yistrday…
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I didn’t see it, but several years ago an 18-wheeler hauling “chicken guts” (yuck) overturned and dropped its load while trying to take an S-curve on the interstate in the middle of the Bold New City. You can imagine what that “entrailed.” The local buzzards are still talking about it.
Still laughing at the mental image of people in the middle of the highway fighting over Beanie Babies. Darwin Award finalists (the people, not the stuffed animals).
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I wonder if Jeff and this guy are related:
http://booshmagazine.com/articles/cat/21/item/648
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Hey Angie….as you live in Japan, do you know who The Vanilla Beans are? My cousin plays the airplane pilot in the music video of their song “Nicola.”
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Well, shit on a stick…
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I think I’d miss having sex with strangers. Well, I guess you can do that anywhere. So I’d like to change my answer to cheesburgers.
One time my brother and I got high on marijuana pot and went driving to find something to eat. In the middle of the highway were hundreds of little cans of chef boyardee crap. Spagettios, raviolis, the works. We start tossing them in the front seat, we probably got 30 or 40 before another car started coming. He started opening them and eating them cold, using a ruler as a spoon. I didn’t like them cold so I had the idea to put a few cans under the hood and drive around so they’d heat up. They ended up getting TOO hot and I burned the fuck out of my hand.
After that we ended up in a little town across the Mexico boarder. I tried to trade about 20 chef boyardees to a girl in exchange for sex. After we had sex she left without taking her food. So I ate it. All of it.
I guess I’ll cut this off right here. I don’t want to make a Jorge sized post outta this.
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I’d miss Jason.
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I think the popo on the bunker cam needs to “do a cleanse.” Looks like there’s 30-40 lbs of something stuck up in his bowels.
Do you think they just rinsed out that collander and used it to strain the pasta that night for dinner?
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@ Jason:
“I tried to trade about 20 chef boyardees to a girl in exchange for sex.”
Nice. So tell me, what kind of woman does 20 cans of canned pasta buy? Did she have teeth?
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@ Tyrosine well, “she left”, so I guess she at least had a pulse?
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you don’t need teeth to eat chef boyardee (unless it’s to open the can)
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The strangest thing I ever saw in the middle of the road was this arrangement of a cross, some fake flowers, and a rotting out stuffed animal. There was also a sign that said ‘we miss you Secretia’.
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She was cute. And I think she’d just done a colon cleanse because there was a collander of feces on the dresser. She couldn’t really speak English that well. And I think she might have thought I was her uncle or something. After we were done I took her to an ice cream parlor and I nabbed one of those tiny tasting spoons. I used it to eat all of her pasta back at the hotel. All 20 cans. I think I need a colon cleanse.
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But if we’re talking about in the actual traffic lanes of the road, I’m going to have to go with the time there was a dead person in the middle of the road. It appeared as if this man was having a problem, like maybe a heart attack or something, and had exited his vehicle for help. He wasn’t run over or anything, but clearly he was dead, and in the right lane. The fact that there was a dead man in the road was not as bothersome as was the fact that everyone was just swerving around him like they were only seeing a pile of retread or something. I would have stopped, but I was only 11 and my Mom was too busy laughing because that was the same guy that had cut her off just 40 miles before in Tulsa.
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I’d have to charge at least 2 cases of Chef Boyardee for a foot job.
I’d let you suck my big toe for free though.
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What is a foot job, exactly?
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Like a hand job, except done with feet.
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If there’s oil involved I’m in. I have two cases of raviolis. I ate a couple out of one case but I can throw in some ramen noodles to make up the difference. Let me know where we can meet. And please refer to me by my fuckname: T Farty McAppleass.
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I have been reading the WVSR since 2001, when it was sponsored by little debbie cakes, pussy brand apples, and eKay, a dubious auction website.
Back then there were no comments, only a guestbook, but still, today is the first time I have seen anyone successfully solicit a sex act in return for chef boyardee via this website.
Congrats Jeff, you’ve officially reached real honest to god website status when people are trading canned ravioli for sex.
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I have to be careful with the oil. One time I didn’t get all the oil off my feet post-job. When I put my heels on to leave, my foot slid in my shoe and I twisted my ankle. I couldn’t work for 2 weeks. I tried to file a workers comp claim, but that didn’t turn out well.
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Fair enough. Just make sure you call me Farty and I get really turned on when someone states the obvious. For example, you might say, “Oh yes. You’re doin it Farty. You’re fucking my feet while I’m eating noodles out of this can.” Prolly wouldn’t take more than a few seconds if you talked like that.
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Oh, Farty…you’re gonna make my job so easy. And my 7 kids will be eating good this weekend.
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Dear Mr. McAppleass,
That poor girl was my half sister. (Bred by Dad on a tropical vacation.) In her home country, 20 cans is considered an offer of marriage. The reason that poor girl left empty handed wasn’t because she was giving up her dowrer, she was going to get her Family so they could all move in with you! She was crushed to find you and the cans gone upon her return and has never been the same since. On the really bad nights, she clutches her arms around herself and whispers in a sweet Texas drawl.
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Better late than never…..
I was stopped at a traffic light, somewhere in Texas I think, when a bird fell from the sky and plunked down right in front of the rental car I was driving. Did it have a heart attack? Hit a power wire? Dunno. But it sure seemed like a “sign from God”.
Of course, I’m still alive an kicking many years later. So I guess God doesn’t make very good signs.
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“And I think she’d just done a colon cleanse because there was a collander of feces on the dresser. She couldn’t really speak English that well. And I think she might have thought I was her uncle or something”
Dammit Jason I always thought LOL was a stupid ass concept but I just fell off my damn chair laughing my ass off:)
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Timmies, milk that comes in bags and Coffee Crisp chocolate bars.
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Things I’ve seen driving:
- early morning on the 401 in Toronto, a tractor trailer rollover across about 4 lanes, the trailers spilled open, the tractors on fire, the firemen are hosing it down, and the cargo’s Tide Detergent, foaming up all over the place
- early morning, highway 1 in Northern California near Eureka, a friggin deer trying to jump over the little P.O.S. econobox I was the passenger in. It didn’t make it, head hit the windsheild right in front of me, and now there’s a dead dear in the middle of the road, and we’re spinning out…drove the rest of the way to Vancouver with a windsheild half covered with gaffers tape and little bits of glass falling in my lap.
- on a 2 lane blacktop, a loose pair of rear wheels off a 5-ton truck, came off the truck 1/4 mile ahead of me, rolled along for a while at about 60, and wobbled off to trash a cornfield, nobody hurt.
-beside the a main road outside Guadalahara, Mexico, a dead horse, that everybody using the shoulder had to detour around. A week later it was still there, too.
I haven’t travelled much outside Canada and the US, been through parts of Mexico and a couple of Carribean vacation spots, but I missed all kinds of things when I was in Cuba, but I guess that’s not what we’re looking for here.
Still,that place was so fucked up, I couldn’t stand it. Shifty looking creeps with machine guns checking your passport just to allow you to get on a boat to go snorkelling, or fishing. Like I was going to hijack the boat to ecape, instead of just getting on the plane with the rest of the tourist gringos? Seriously, WTF?
Other people I know had a great time there, go figure.
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I’m going to regret this post later but…Footisie girl and Jason….Jimmyy Kuhn just spurted.
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an extra y can screw up a joke huh…?
Oh…and an extra i… too.
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Judge Jimmy Kuhn? Don’t get too hot and bothered. Bitch didn’t show up. I was stuck driving around with two cases of Italianish pasta in my trunk. Nobody does that. What if I’d been pulled over by the police? They’d of known right off that I was trading it for foot sex, as is the popular trend.
Footsie you’re a cruel bitch – wish you’d answer my emails though. Was the picture I sent over the top? What about the poem? X’s and O’s baby, suck those toes.
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Judge Jimmy Kuhn? Don’t get too hot and bothered. Bitch didn’t show up. I was stuck driving around with two cases of Italianish pasta in my trunk. Nobody does that. What if I’d been pulled over by the police? They’d of known right off that I was trading it for foot sex, as is the popular trend.
Footsie you’re a cruel bitch – wish you’d answer my emails though. Was the picture I sent over the top? What about the poem? X’s and O’s baby, suck those toes.
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Saw a very drunk guy right in the middle of a highway in Philly staggering all over the place. Someone was having a tough time getting him to the side.
What I would miss? A juicy burger.
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Good Morning Surf Reporters
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Love your reports, Jeff.
I’m WV born & raised, now resident of Atlanta.
Strange things on the side of the road have always facinated me, especially around vicinity of thrift stores. There you see shoes, occasionally in pairs, but most often the singular variety. I expect they’ve gone to hunt the legendary lost socks. It’s so true about the Georgia road ladders–I ran over a huge one late at night & flattened three tires. Yikes!
I’d really miss brown beans & cornbread, ice tea (no sugar for me, though), Kroger’s and Target.
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Weirdest thing on the road. This is from my honey, Joe.
He was on 81 South coming back home, and we were talking on the phone. “Wow” he says, “There’s something burning on the road” he passes it, no big deal. Just weird. Then, “Holy shit, theres more fires!” and there was a series of four or five little fires ahead of him. “HOLY SHIT! There’s a car on fire!!” he stopped to assist (because he’s all about the assist) and sure enough, this guys car is almost totally engulfed in flames. Joe asked what happened, and the guy told him there was a matteress laying in the middle of the road, and this doofus drove OVER it. The mattress somehow got hooked under his car, and the heat from the tailpipe set it on fire. Leaving a bunny trail of flaming mattress several miles down 81 South, until the whole thing went up in flames.
And that’s true.
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I don’t think I would ever trade pasta for random foot sex. They would have to throw in something extra.
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I’m not going to make it today. I’ll post “Monday’s” update ASAP, but it’s not gonna be before I leave for work today. Sorry.
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I just saw a barefooted woman leave the Kay house with a case of Spaghetti O’s. Guess that’s why we don’t get an update today…
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When I was stationed in Germany the only think I missed was Wawa, Cheesesteaks, scrapple, cream chipped beef, E A G L E S!, my C.C.P., 2nd amendment, 4th of july and Family. There was a girlfriend in that mix but she was flying off the top rope in some douches bed before I even landed.
In remarks to “CC” post……My God it looks like some one swallowed and eel and just shit it out whole again. I mean look at “Linda from the US” she is actually holding it with her bare hand….this website is like a sick fetish-porn, you whip your head around in half-gag reflex fashion trying not to look at the screen, but for some screwed up mental reason you have to peek again. Then I sit here and wonder how much spackled paste I have stuck to my innards?
Were these people ready for this….do you have to sit on the shitter for 3 days for the ass cannon action?
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I would trade some boxes of pasta for foot sex since my feet are always cold and that would be a nice warm place to put them to warm up.
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I lived in Italy for a while, and the thing I missed the most was cheddar cheese and peanut butter.
Oh, I couldn’t wait to get back, but now I feel nostalgic about it all.
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I still live in the good ol’ USA…but the thing I’m missin’ most right now is the Monday WVSR update!!!!!
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Here’s somrthing i figured you might like to see and maybe pass on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brD5D0ytD04&eurl=http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=298783&feature=player_embedded. They are but a few years away from being spooky real.
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Re: Ivan…
Also I love the WVSR, but am new to this commenting process. I don’t mean to inflame , but why do some commenters here post with absolutely nothing to say? Such as..
“I’m not really sure about anything at this point. I’m going to close the door to my office and take a nap.”
Ivan…Tha’ts not the comments section…That’s Jeff’s daily update.
What I’ve missed when I was out of the US:
Ice in Italy
eggs for breakfast in Germany
filthy subways
whining people
slow walkers
drivers cutting me off
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Living in Ukraine, I miss the following (in no particular order):
1. Cashiers and salespeople who don’t treat me as an interruption of their cigarette break.
2. High-end restaurants/clubs that offer a real toilet instead of a hole in the ground (c’mon guys, if you could spring for the Italian mosaic tile, you could have also bought the commode).
3. Police giving tickets to drivers parking/driving on the sidewalk.
4. Meat wrapped in plastic and stored in a refrigerator, instead of piled high on concrete slabs at the market.
5. Watching the Superbowl without having to kick people out of my house for harping on about soccer.
6. Alcoholics keeping their lifestyle to themselves, instead of sharing it on fifty different holidays via their Karaoke machine.
7. The generally accepted belief that body odor, garbage, stale urine, and fish are all smells that need to be concealed from the public.
8. People waiting their turn in line.
9. Paying my bills by check or online, instead of having to waste a day a month going to various shitty little buildings across town, standing in a line of about 100 people and threatening to kick the ass of everyone, save the babushkas, who tries to cut in.
10. American beef, Mexican food, cream cheese, blueberries, hummus, Canadian bacon, pastrami/corned beef/turkey sandwich meat, lobster, and anything else that I can’t ship over without smelling like a warm Ukrainian summers day by the time it arrived.
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Note to self: Remove Ukraine from list of places to visit before I die.
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i didn’t FIND it in the middle of the road, but once i saw a large piece of workout equipment fly out of the back of a pickup truck on PCH (Hwy 101). My boyfriend and I still laugh hysterically at the memory of the rather large man trying to dodge traffic to grab his total gym. (We suppose the poor thing was trying to make a mad dash for it.)
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