A Festive Holiday Report from North (or is it South?) Carolina
I’m surprised Sunshine and Mumbles aren’t up here already. From what I understand, there’s nothing but arguments in North (or is it South?) Carolina these days. And S&M are free to take Nancy’s sunflower car at any time, and drive to our house. I’m shocked they haven’t yet stormed out in a huff.
Sunny is reportedly hitting the “antibiotics” pretty heavily, and is nodding out like Sid Vicious on a regular basis. She falls asleep while talking, and one time fell asleep while walking through the room with a hot cup of coffee. Heh. I guess she’s always falling down, because she can’t maintain a state of consciousness.
And Sunshine and Mumbles are arguing constantly… the same goes for Sunshine and Nancy.
Nancy bought a package of normal people cookies at the grocery store, for the translucents’ lunches, and Sunshine was reportedly eating them “hand over fist.” Nancy said, “I thought you were diabetic?” And everything spiraled downward from there.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were a dietitian, too?!” Sunny shouted. Nancy just rolled her eyes, and asked her to please leave at least three cookies, so she could put them in her kids’ lunches the next morning.
“I didn’t know I had to ask permission for every bite I take in this house. Is it OK if I finish this cookie I’m eating now, or should I wrap what’s left in tin foil and put in the refrigerator?” Sunshine asked with sarcasm, probably before collapsing in the kitchen floor after falling asleep.
The next morning Nancy came downstairs, and started packing the see-thrus’ lunches. And the cookie package was still in the cabinet, but it was empty.
Later the same day, Sunny was reportedly rooting around inside Nancy’s refrigerator, buried to the waist. Nancy asked what she was looking for, and Sunshine extracted herself, and said in some kind of demented voice, “Where does he hide his special creamer?”
Nancy said, “Wha’?” And Sunny proceeded to accuse Nostrils, Nancy’s husband, of “hiding” his special coffee creamer, so nobody else could have any. Nancy told her they don’t use creamer, and have never bought it. “Bullshit,” she answered in her weird-ass REDRUM voice, and continued looking for the non-existent “special” creamer.
Hoooly shit.
Toney talked with Sunshine on the phone a few days ago, and her mother was seething with anger, for no apparent reason. Toney mentioned that our boys are busy with swimming, and between the two of them, will have six meets over the next eight days.
“Why do they do all that?” Sunny spat. “What do they get out of it? Are they paid??”
“Yes, mother,” Toney answered. “They’re both professional athletes. They have quite a few endorsement deals, too.”
Yeah, I’m no doctor, but I suspect Sunshine isn’t faithfully following the directions on her prescription bottles. I believe she might be double or triple-dipping on her “arthritis medication.” It sounds like she’s now lapsing into Baby Jane territory.
And they’ll all be up here in a few days. And mister, when Nancy’s the voice of reason… something’s WAY out of kilter. Should be interesting. I hope nobody’s stabbed in their sleep, or something. Shit, I’ll probably be lying there every night with one eye open.
What are your plans for the holidays this year? Are you traveling, or staying home? Will you have a house full of people, or what? Please tell us about it in the comments.
Also, if you have any Christmas horror stories to tell, we’d like to hear those as well. Can you remember any especially awful Christmas get-togethers, or maybe an office holiday party where some shithead got drunk and put his penis in the crab dip? If so, we need to know about it.
And I’ll be back tomorrow, my friends.
Have a great day.
Filed under: Daily
God I love S&M updates.. and Nancy thrown in! Good read..
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1ST
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Sunshine sounds crazy. I’d hate to be you.
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wait a second! Nancy lets the translulcents eat normal people cookies?
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dogberryjr Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
You beat me to it! I thought for sure they’d be eating some kind of sorghum-soy-carob concoction.
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zoe Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
And an ENTIRE cookie each! Unimaginable!
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Seanette Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
My thought exactly about the translucents getting cookies.
Poor Jeff. If Sunshine’s this bad already, he’s in for it. Anyone who can make Nancy look sensible probably needs to be in a padded room.
Hmmm, wonder if he can get her one of those jackets with the extra-long wrap-around sleeves in time?
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I’m loving that fact that Sunshine is already steaming, and should hit a full boil about the same time they hit the bunker. Can’t wait!
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JEEEZ……It was mostly S&M and Nancy crazy shit that kept me here 10yrs,but there;s an’ ill wind a’ blowin’….
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Woo hoo top Ten –
Christmas will be spent in Beautiful Wheeling West by god Virginny!
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Love the S&M updates!! It makes my family seem so normal.
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I just don’t know what I’d do without my arthritis medication, but it would probably involve CNN and a freeeway chase.
jtb
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Oh boy, the goings-on around the Kay household at Christmas are going to be a doozy this year! Can’t wait!
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Was going to travel to the resort town of Dunbar, WV, as Mom (if that’s her real name) sent me 500 bucks to rent a car. However, she called me and told me to tear up the check, as she decided to send my sister (the McCarthy Twins) and her husband (Larry Bird) and their three monkeys on a “well deserved” vacation for Christmas. No way in hell I am driving our “good” car on those roads up there, without snow tires,so I guess I will spend another year not showing them their awesome grandchildren, since, y’know, they won’t drive down here.
So probably looking at a trip to Universal to check out the new Harry Potter land and maybe a trip over to Clearwater to find that elusive Skyline Chil restaurant I can never seem to find when I am up there. Then, since I have the last week of the year off, I’m just gonna sit on my ass.
Got problem kids still believin’? Get that “Elf on the Shelf” thing. Jayne the six year old is up on her stool scrubbing the kitchen counters, since the creepy elf is watching her, to report back to Santa. And her room has never been cleaner. Sadistic, but productive.
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fattie20xl Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
hahah Elf On the Shelf is the best. my gf’s kid is TERRIFIED of that guy. so we keep it in his room.
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Melissa Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 1:49 pm
Let us know how Harry Potterville works out. I’ve heard mixed reviews but overall seems like somewhere I might go in the next 50 years. (Florida is too dang far away)
And great tip on getting the munchkin working! If only I had kids to try it out on!
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Pete Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 3:32 pm
Skyline Chili in FLA?
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sunshine_in_va Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
28790 US Highway 19 N, Clearwater, FL 33761-2508 (727) 791-6887 ?
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t-storm Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 4:00 pm
kegel the elf?
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Wow — I really can’t wait for the next two weeks of updates. This is going to be apocalyptic. I say go for it, push them all over the edge and tape the chaos.
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HA!
“It sounds like she’s now lapsing into Baby Jane territory.”
I almost spit my soda on the computer screen when I read that line.
Too funny.
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You know guys, maybe it isn’t too late for us to all pool our money together for those cameras that can be placed in houseplants, DVD players, kitchen cabinets, etc. so we can have a live feed from the Kay Compound this holiday season.
I thought my mother in law was going nuts asking the entire family (through email) whether or not any of us liked egg-nog because she doesn’t & doesn’t want it in her house for the holidays. (We’re bringing two gallons of the stuff just for fun.) But my MIL should simply bow down to the artform known as Sunshine. Ho-ly Shit, I can’t wait for these updates.
And come on! Let’s get that live feed up & running! We’ll see hands flipping through hair, gritted teeth being gnawed to bits & Sunshine, in the middle of it all popping Prozac & Vicodin while downing a cheese log & Twinkies. Awesome!
(And BTW, for some reason I suspect that there IS a “special creamer”. At first I supposed the “special” part was semen mixed with 1/2 & 1/2; however, after re-reading past stories of Nancy herself I am guessing he has simply spiked some whole-fat creamer with lots and lots of Brandy. Even he has to make it through the day somehow. Of course Sunshine can sniff out alcohol from two states away, so she was on to his “concoction”.)
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fattie20xl Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
jeeeezet.
i love watching the spiral as someone’s mind starts to fail. it’s the best.
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Sooooo…. Help me here.
Toney is Jeff’s wife.
Nancy is Toney’s sister.
Nostrils is Nancy’s husband
Their kids are the translucents
Sunshine is Toney and Nancy’s mother
Mumbles is Sunshine’s husband.
Do I need to buy program or did I get that right?
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dogberryjr Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 1:59 pm
Correct on all counts.
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TILLY Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
YOU DID GOOD!!!
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Seanette Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
If I’ve got it straight, you do too. That’s the cast of characters as far as I understand it.
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mountie9wv Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
For some reason I didn’t think Sunshine and Mumbles were married.
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Griff Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 9:47 am
I think that Mumbles is married to Sunshine, he’s just not Toney and Nancy’s father.
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nd mister, when Nancy’s the voice of reason… something’s WAY out of kilter.
-That sentence had me laughing like crazy. I’m so glad to see that I’m not the only one with insane relatives.
Good luck Jeff, I’ll be thinking about you over the holidays!
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I have the best (or possibly the most pathetic) Christmas from hell story… my mother, who has borderline personality disorder as well as depression, decided to go off on my sister and her boyfriend. She screamed at them and flipped them off because we were all late for dinner (which was nothing special – it wasn’t even Christmas Day).
Seven years later she does it to my family as well – this time last Thanksgiving. Complete with the flipping off.
Needless to say we are spending Christmas with friends. And every other holiday.
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I think the S&M updates will keep me grounded throughout the holidays. I can’t wait for more.
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I plan on anxiously awaiting updates from the compound. Sounds like Christmas with S & M and N & N should be full of wonderful stories!!!
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Nancy just sounded…sane.
I’m scared.
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Oh man…I love a Sunshine update! If she’s just dropping to the floor on a regular basis, maybe one of those inflatable Sumo wrestling outfits would work? We would need pictures of her trying to right herself, of course! Great update!!
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
A Circus of Kookery installment, fuck yeah.
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Yawn! Growl! OK I’m back awake! Some Nancy/Sunshine updates..
OK Jeff, I have a solution to your money problems.
You need to purchase and install several of these tiny cameras (see CNN.com ‘tech’ section today) Many are internet ready.
I suggest one in the kitchen, family room, and wherever else you expect S&M and N&N to spend the most time over the holidays.
create a password protected site where your readers can, for a donation, WATCH the antics.
You could give a free 60 second preview, but I suggest something like 5$/day, 20$/week, or 30$ for the entire circus visit.
I foresee well over 100 people forking over at LEAST the 20 spot.
If you commit to doing this, i will personally pay 50$.
And the BEST part is….NO ONE but you, has to know anything about it! You’ll be swimming in golden elixir!
Come on, who else would pay these reasonable rates for ‘fly on the wall’ priviledges?
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I hate to be a buzz kill as much as I (we) enjoy these updates isn’t anyone concerned that Sunshine will OD on her “antibiotics” that would not be a fun Christmas memory for the kids and frankly could be THE thing that sends the translucents into full on sociopathic behavior.
I will stay tuned………yes I will. Somehow even if the crazy lady does OD for the holidays Jeff will make it funny and enjoyable to read.
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Jorge Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Yeah, to be honest, as much as I love the in-law stories (and I love them very much), this one has me a little more concerned.
Sounds to me like Sunny is upping her “antibiotics” a little too much. If she’s passing out while walking it tells me she’s getting into some potentially very dangerous territory. I’ve seen people in this state and we immediately push meds to reverse the effects before they stop breathing. Pisses the users off, and if they have real pain issues it hurts like hell, but pain won’t kill you, it just makes you wish you were dead.
If S&M are fighting it could be that Mumbles is starting to get fed up with it, too. but if they’ve been together this long i suspect that theres some sort of mutual dysfunction at work as well.
If the meds are in the family that I (we) suspect, then she needs to dry out, probably with professional help. Get that geriatric Amy Winehouse to a rehab. Soon.
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Greg Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 5:47 pm
All that falling could be stroke-related, too. I have a cousin going through that right now.
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Lovin’ the updates and can’t wait for more.
We are home for the holidays except for a quick jaunt to NYC this weekend for the wife’s B-day. 3 days 2 nights in an expensive mid-town hotel, one dinner and one show, and we plan to go ice skating at 30 Rock if it is not too crowded. It’s our first “dirty weekend” since the kids started popping out – I am going to the pharmacy today for a stock of little blue diamond-shaped pills…
My mom can give Sunshine a run for her money – a depressed, anxiety-ridden, hoarding widow (widowed for the last 39 years in fact) with no friends and too many cats. She has invited us to her place, where there is cat hair and poop everywhere, and no room to walk because of the hoarding, and we will be expected to pay for everything.
We’re not going, no matter how hard she pulls the guilt strings.
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Malcolm Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 3:15 pm
Oh, and BTW, that photo on the front page is EXACTLY as I picture Sunshine in my head, except she’s always wearing a ragged pink bathrobe a la Micheal Douglas in Wonder Boys.
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madz1962 Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 4:02 pm
Hey Malcom! I’m going to be at 30 Rock on Friday – got tickets to see a taping of Jimmy Fallon. I’ll wave to you as you go skating by. (For those with a need to know: Jimmy Fallon’s guests will be Jeff (The Dude!) Bridges and Robert Plant. FUCK YEAH!
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chill Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 9:55 pm
Holy Crap! I’ll have to make a point of watching that… do you know the air date?
Another Caucasian, please.
.
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madz1962 Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 9:01 am
Friday 12/17. (or, technically Saturday at 12:30 AM). They tape at 5:30 for that evening’s show.
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Malcolm Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 12:22 pm
madz,
On the skating rink, look for a fat guy with a goatee and a busty Russian blonde on his arm. I’ll be behind them.
Just kidding – that’s us – and we do expect to be skating at right about your Jimmy Fallon taping time.
Dinner at the Russian Tea Room later in the evening (get it?).
Over/out
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madz1962 Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 3:05 pm
Must have many White Russians!
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CADude Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 2:08 pm
The Dude is my hero.
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Malcolm Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 4:17 pm
Have been The Dude for Halloween, due to a slight resemblance and a fondness for the character…
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One year my Gran went off her meds and laid down a verbal Machine Gun Kelly on all of us. We are all rather easy going so it was a bit of a shocker when she went around the table, pointing her finger and laid each of us out with “you’re fat, you’re stupid, you need to lay of the beer and get a job, you look like death warmed over, you’re lazy…etc.” It reminded me of the conference room scene of Liar Liar…only replace Jim Carrey with a shortish 75 year old Pittsburgh woman…
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If I were Nancy…I would have shoved those cookies down Sunny’s fucking throat fist first. But that’s just me. And “BRAVO” to Toney in her response to the remark about the swim meets. Funny as hell.
We usually have a Christmas Eve get-together for friends and family. I cook all week, go all out. Our first Christmas together, my boyfriend invites a bunch of his young-dumb-full-of-cum friends. They drank every drop of alcohol in the house including what wasn’t even out on the bar. Ate absolutely everything in sight and were still there at 6AM! One dude even left at midnight and CAME BACK around 3AM!
Finally, I told my boyfriend to find out if these idiots had homes. It’s Christmas Eve for chrissakes…not a kegger! GO the FUCK home! We were exhausted and certainly didn’t expect to entertain these dickbeaters until the wee hours of the morning.
Now we are a little more selective in handing out the invites.
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Lee Harvey Ramone Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
Be more selective or get a fukkin axe handle…
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Christmas has already started in my household. I spend about 2 hours every night wandering around my neighborhood with a fifth of Jim Beam and a bullhorn screaming Christmas carols at the top of my lungs.
Goddam I love the holidays!
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madz1962 Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 4:11 pm
You did a fine rendition of “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” Very fesrive over a bullhorn! Thank you.
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I love it when crazy gets beat out by more crazy.
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Due to an ice storm, I missed a memorable WWIII Christmas event. All I know is a lot of alcohol, screaming and FUCK YOU’s took place. Someone got flung out a side door and told to never come back, someone else was in tears, kids crying, gorwn ups screaming and possibly a few fist to jaw connections.
All on Christ’s birthday. Peace on earth, indeed.
(This is why Beloved and I stay the fuck home).
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Don’t censor the creative juices. If you don’t like the content go back to communist russia.
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It ain’t just snow squalls blowing in… Tis going to be a season of interesting updates.
Office Christmas party tommorow. There won’t be any penis in crab dip going on there. Our office parties are held during working hours just so we can’t enjoy adult beverages during the course of them even though they are held at some eating establishment.
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I don’t now about sid vicious but I worked with johnny rotten doing a music video once and I came real close to popping him in his word hole .
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bikerchick Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 8:46 am
“word hole”. HAHAHAHA!!
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These S&M stories are unreal. I love this shit. I need a layout of who is who in this clan….I’m a little lost
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WB in OH Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 9:58 am
http://thewvsr.com/index.php/a-festive-holiday-report-from-north-or-is-it-south-carolina/#comment-72430
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yup… it’s a stink bug
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sunshine_in_va Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 6:34 pm
Might be the one upside to a visit from Sunshine: all the stinkbugs in Jeff’s house will follow her back out the door, just like the Pied Piper of Saipan!
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I found a stinkbug in my house last night and I flushed him down! Damn where do they come from?
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my crazy mother in law is no longer with us. All we can do is talk about how disfunctional the Holidays would be if she was still here with us! My husband would have to show up ahead of time and hide her bourbon! she would lose her mind and God help anyone who was late! The daughter in laws were her slaves while her own kids did nothing!
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I missed something, what’s with all the sadomasochism talk?
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Chris Albrecht needs to pay the fuck up. He practically owes his career to the Surf Report.
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Off topic: I was forced to spend 3 days in the main office to fill in for our inside sales force while they attended some asshat computer training seminar. Of course, this is beneath me so my attitude was showing.
I am sitting at one of these salespeople’s computer entering an order to go to the warehouse and the program includes a drop down menu that tells the warehouse how to ship the product.
DELIVERY BY:
Flatbed truck
FEDEX
UPS
Van Carrier
Air Freight
Containerized Ocean Vessel
10 more choices
I added to the list:
Cunt
Can’t wait until someone discovers the new menu choice.
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madz1962 Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 9:06 am
LOL!
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what do you think you could ship in a cunt? cotton products?
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madz1962 Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 3:08 pm
Bo Weevils?
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Even though she’s the ex-GF now, we’re still going to her sister’s house anyway. A little awkward, but it saves me from having to go see *my* family. Among other things, my parents are now Of A Certain Age, which causes them to set their thermostat to 100 degrees.
Nothing all that crazy in the story department; about the best I can do is the childhood incident where the cat climbed the Christmas tree and brought the whole assembly crashing down into the middle of the living room.
.
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Something Wicked this way comes….
I got popcorn, my blanky and the computer ready..
I may even buy a 6pack o Beer (and I don’t drink)…
Jeff, any possible way of maybe recording some arguments that you know are coming? A snippet of the crazy voices? btw, what happen to your podcast?
While I am excited for the Crazy Bus Bound for Scranton, I am concerned about Sunshine’s health.. that may need some serious attention..
Hi JTB! how’s it hanging?
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johnthebasket Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 11:03 pm
I have stinkbugs all over me. How’s it wit you?
love,
John
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johnthebasket Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 11:06 pm
,,,
…and after you don’t drink the six, pass it on to me; I’ll hold it for a while and bulk mail it to Belpre.
jtb
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Lori in Cbus Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 11:34 pm
A half a beer and i’m under the host, so to speak
my favorite little drinking ditty:
1 is good
2′s the most
3′s the limit
4 you’re under the Host
and depending on the Host, that could be a good or a bad thing
Don’t let your Bug stink JTB
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
December 15th, 2010 at 11:46 pm
I could sell it to the Beastie Boy next door who wears a long white wife-beater under his Wal-Mart bubble jacket.
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Lori in Cbus Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 12:11 am
sexy haha
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7 or 8 Days in Wheeling, WV, then 43 hours visiting in-laws house in Maryland. Where the thermostat is set to 78 degrees and the windows are all sealed with plastic. Air is dry as a bone. Nosebleed central. I’ll be staying at a hotel.
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WB…
That was an interesting thing that you done did there at 0958. That would come in downright handy from time to time. Can you tell me how you did it, without having to shoot me? I likes your style.
thanks…jtb
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WB in OH Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
LOL…Click on the date and time of the message, the blue underlined part next to your name. It will display the actual comment number in the http window thingy up top. Copy and paste to your message. Easy peasysy, japaneesy to steal a line from old Brooks Hatlen..
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WB in OH Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
Where’s the edit button? Sigh…
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johnthebasket Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
WB…
Thanks for the info. And if I find the Edit button, I’ll be sure to let you know.
best…
jtb
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Ah, now it truly feels like the holidays.
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Somehow I missed the Lude ad in WVSR Classic. It just couldn’t be more perfect. Those of us who survived the ’50s did so by the grace of God.
jtb
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Speaking of lude ads, that corkscrew will not be in my kitchen any time soon.
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My little family and I are staying home this year. I remember a few years ago at Christmas in Texas when my cousin and I got drunk. He saw our Uncle Gene toss a cigarette by the carport and walk into the house. He swore it was a joint. I said, “No. Have you ever seen anyone throw away a roach that long? That was a cig.” But he insisted and went and found it. Turns out he was right. So he got high AND drunk before we made it to the dinner table.
Then he went on and on about how he’d like to fuck this and that starlett. My grandmother and great-grandmother were sitting across from him. Then he puked on the table, got up without saying a word, and went to bed.
Everyone just went back to normal like nothing ever happened. But he wasn’t done. He made his way back into the dining room singing:
“She’ll be riding six white horses when she cums,
She’ll be riding six white horeses when she cums,
Oh you bet those six white horses,
will cause a few divorces,
She’ll be riding six white horses when she cuuummms!”
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I’ve spent the last hour or so listening to the Shangra-Las. You have no idea how out-there this performance was in 1965. Enjoy…
jtb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfRXQvrO200&feature=related
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Swami Bologna Reply:
December 16th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Great clip. And live, no lip-synching! My favorite line from that song is: “Dirty fingernails / Oh boy, what a prize.”
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