A Fatfusion Gone Horribly Wrong
I was almost arrested this morning, because of pickle slices. …What? You need more information? Well, as many of you know, I don’t really like to talk about my personal life. But I guess it’ll be OK.
I got off work around 1:15 in the a forkin’ m, and was starving. My stomach was collapsed on itself, like a volleyball with no air. And I had a powerful hankering for a Filet O Fish samlich.
When I was working until 2:30, the McDonald’s near our house was always serving breakfast by the time I got there. But since they pulled-forward our schedule by an hour, I’ve had to make adjustments to my middle-of-the-night fatfusion.
To tell you the truth, I preferred breakfast. I could order a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit, and it was perfect. They’re easy to eat with one hand, don’t have any sauces to get all over the steering wheel, the roof of my car, and across the back window. Plus, it’s just the right amount of “food,” for that time of day.
Hamburgers are more complicated affairs, and the Filet O Fish takes too long. I know this, because I ordered one last week and sat at the drive-thru window like an idiot for about ten minutes.
So, even though it wasn’t really what I wanted last night, I opted for a Big Mac. I figured they must have Mac components already on-hand, and construction would only take seconds. And I was right; a hot ‘n’ heavy sack was passed to me in no time.
As is the tradition, I pulled forward a few yards, removed the sambwich from the bag, and prepared it for travel. I can’t take it home, you see, because Andy (Snoop Manny Mann) always makes things miserable. He hits me with his intense border collie stare, and wills me to surrender half (at the very least) of whatever food is on-hand. So, I try to gobble it down while in-transit.
And as I was taking bite two, while entering the main road through town, I bit down on a nasty-ass pickle slice; the thing slid out of the burger, and slapped across my chin. Dammit! I hate McDonald’s pickles. They’re the proverbial turd in the punch bowl.
So, I made all necessary adjustments, while driving toward our house, and a cop pulled me over. He emerged from the darkness with his lights flashing, his headlights going off and on, and all manner of scary craziness. I pulled to the side of the road, and got my driver’s license out of my pocket.
It took a while, but the guy finally approached, shined a flashlight in my face, and asked to see my ID. And here’s what happened next, with my silent thoughts in parentheses:
Officer: I pulled you over because you were weaving all over the road.
Me: I was trying to get the pickles off my Big Mac.
(Did that sound sarcastic? You’d better watch it, Kay, or this guy might beat the living shit out of you.)
Officer: Have you been drinking, sir?
(Ha! For the first time in my life, I can answer that question truthfully.)
Me: No, I haven’t.
Officer: Why are your eyes so watery?
(WTF?)
Me: They are?
Officer: Are you sure you haven’t had a few drinks tonight?
(He doesn’t believe you. You’re going to be arrested.)
Me: I’m driving home from work. I haven’t had anything to drink, nothing at all.
Officer: See the tip of this pen?
Me: Yeah.
Officer: Do you see it?
(It’s four inches from my face. What am I, Helen Keller?)
Me: I see it.
Officer: OK, I’m going to move it around, and I want you to follow it with your eyes, without moving your head.
He moved it around in a pattern that I think spelled YOU’RE GOING DOWN in cursive, and I followed it, as instructed.
Officer: What are you doing out here so late?
(I already told you.)
Me: Coming home from work.
Officer: Is that right?
(He thinks you’re lying. You will be beaten, then taken to a federal penitentiary.)
Me: Yessir.
Officer: Just sit here for a few minutes, while I check your license.
Me: OK.
(Whew!)
He was gone for a long time, with his lights still flashing and illuminating all the houses in the neighborhood. I was reasonably sure I was out of the woods, and was able to breathe normally again.
(Heh, Helen Keller. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with her left hand? Because she moans with her right!)
Finally my new friend returned, handed over my license, and told me to drive a little more carefully in the future. I assured him I would, and we parted company. At the next corner I went right, and he went left.
I then finished the Big Mac while parked in front of our house. And it wasn’t pipin’ hot anymore, dammit. Perhaps I should invest in one of Sunshine’s hands-free scone-racks, and have it retrofitted for burgers? I don’t think I’d do well in prison, I really don’t. Plus, I don’t like fast food that’s gone cold.
When the cop was insisting I’d been drinking, and I was unable to convince him otherwise, it was a little scary. In fact, it seemed to go better in the past, with a few beers under my belt.
Oh well. At least it wasn’t this bad.
Have you ever been accused of something you were completely innocent of? By a cop, or a boss, or a friend? Tell us about it, won’t you?
Also, if you have any stories to tell about being pulled over while driving, we’d like to hear those as well.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Filed under: Daily
OMG!!
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dos???
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Why would you NOT expect a Big Mac (BM ??) to have pickles? Remeber that obnoxious jingle from the late ’70s that was revived not too long ago ???
…Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, PICKLES, and onions on a sesame seed bun …
Oh yeah TOP FIVE !! Woot!
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I have always done EVERYTHING of which I have been accused.
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I was once accused of having an affair with someone I worked with.
Shit man, I was PREGNANT at the time. Who’d thinking of the ol’ woot-woot when they’re shaped like Jackie Gleason?
Also, if I’m still third when this posts. it’ll be as high up in the hierarchy as I’ve ever been, though sheer dumb luck.
WOOT WOOT!
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Top 10 – I’m on a roll!!!
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Wewt 10!
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I hate McDonald’s pickles too, why do they have that formaldehyde flavor and silly putty consistancy?
I only got out of a speeding ticket once, and I WAS speeding. Other than that, guilty as charged on many counts.
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Fucking right I have been accused.
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Nothing like a pregnant fling to up your work cred. LOL, Why are people soo stupid. I hate McDonalds Pickles and their weird little onion bits too.
I was once accused of being a racist for saying “jury rigged” in front of my Heinz 57 Assistant manager at wal-mart. I still to this day get pissed off about it too. I have no Idea what his ethnicity actually was but I suspect he may have been a lawyer in a former life. Everything with this guy was an argument. What an asshole. There is obviously a huge difference between %$@@&^ Rig & jury rig.
Top Ten??
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Top 10!?!?
I never got away with anything, if I got stopped, I got a ticket or fine.
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Hello!
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Oh, love the bullet ice cube tray!
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I got pulled over for Andretti’s disorder. Cop asked me to recite the alphabet and Mr. Smart-Ass pipes up with forward or backward. That got me out of the car kinda quick where I was invited to Rockette-kick down the white line. I was fine and passed with flying colors. This close….
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I walked a few times but not all. Don’t want to jinx myself.
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Finally!
A subject I sorta kinda know about!
Officer: See the tip of this pen?
Me: Yeah.
Officer: Do you see it?
(It’s four inches from my face. What am I, Helen Keller?)
Me: I see it.
Officer: OK, I’m going to move it around, and I want you to follow it with your eyes, without moving your head.
He moved it around in a pattern that I think spelled YOU’RE GOING DOWN in cursive, and I followed it, as instructed.
That’s a nystagmus test.
From Wikipedia:
In police work, testing for horizontal gaze nystagmus is one of a battery of field sobriety tests used by officers in the field to determine whether a suspect is driving under the influence of alcohol. The test involves observation of the suspect’s pupil as it follows a moving object, noting
(1) lack of smooth pursuit,
(2) distinct and sustained nystagmus at maximum deviation, and
(3) the onset of nystagmus prior to 45 degrees.
As a rule of thumb, a person’s blood alcohol concentration can be estimated by subtracting the angle of onset from 50 degrees. Therefore, a person with an angle of onset of nystagmus at 35 degrees has a blood alcohol concentration of approximately 0.15%.[citation needed]
The field sobriety test studies published by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration have never been peer reviewed and attempts to duplicate the study results have been unsuccessful.[3]
The horizontal gaze nystagmus test has been highly criticized and major errors in the testing methodology and analysis found.[4][5]
However, the validity of the horizontal gaze nystagmus test for use as a field sobriety test for persons with a blood alcohol level between 0.04-0.08 is supported by peer reviewed studies and has been found to be a more accurate indication of BAC than other standard field sobriety tests. [6]
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Yay, top….15!
Back in the day (think bell bottoms & mood rings), when I was courting my now-wife, we were parked one night in a local park. Were doing absolutely nothing (yet) when a very bright light illuminated the interior of my ole Cutlass, followed by a loud banging.
Seems we had parked behind the rectory of a local church and the person who busted us was a *priest*!
Good thing we were still only whispering sweet nothings.
Today’s quote: “Democracy is the worst of all possible forms of government…except for all the others.” Winston Churchill
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I love McDonald’s pickles and love cold Big Macs. Whenever we go to McD’s I always buy an extra to put in the fridge for lunch the next day.
I was pulled over for speeding a couple of years ago after having two beers with some co-workers. I was sure I was going down until the cop mentioned my license plate. I have a Hoosier Veteran plate thanks to my time in the Marines and the state of Indiana.
I was told to slow down and be on my way.
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One more recent episode… going a little fast and I just see the bike cop hiding on a side street as I go past. I see him start up the bike and begin to pull out to get me. It was kind of cool that morning and perhaps a little slippery because the cop DUMPED his bike (saw it in the rearview). I got stuck in the left turn lane about two blocks later and the woman in front of me gets out to tell me that the cop fell and that she thought he was coming after me. DUH!!! That’s why I need you to get back in your frickin’ car and move so I can disappear. I was NOT going to get pulled over AFTER he dumped it.
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Carla – if I HADN’T been a big as a whale (and about to SET SAIIIIL!), the temptation might have been stronger, but man, when you can’t see your own feet it’s nealy impossible to imagine that someone might want to slip a little funny bone to ya.
The person who started this rumor? Coworker who hated me. Her nickname was ‘the grapevine’ – and she sprouted the most vile ideas, generally in my direction. Yes, I’m still bitter.
Everything ELSE I’ve ever been accused of I’ve done. I’m not nearly as good and actor as I’d like to think.
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I have been accused of both things I did, and things I didn’t do. But you can bet whenever I do something wrong, I get caught! You could bet on it. I am a horrible liar.
Things I have been accused of that I didn’t do: being on drugs (nope, I am high on life and stress – as well as being a spazz in general). I also was accused once of purposefully misrepresenting my sources in an article that I wrote, also nooottt true. That was just personal, and I shall hold a grudge until I die (or she dies, whichever comes first.)
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I got pulled over in Tenessee for speeding. It was one of those areas where the highway speed suddenly drops to 45mph for no good reason. He asked my permission to let his dog search the car. I refused, saying that I was in a hurry. Then he walked the dog around the outside of the car and the dog “signaled that there was something inside”. So that gave him good cause to go ahead and search. I sat on the curb for 30 minutes. He found nothing. Asshole.
I think Wendy’s pickles are the worst. They taste like they’re covered in perfume or something. And I don’t like it that the buns are always cold.
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I hide food from my dogs, too, to avoid the guilt.
They love McDonald’s french fries.
Jeff:
Didn’t you say NO PICKLES?
I remember that ever since you saw the bucket of pickles you removed them from your life.
I got pulled over last week because I had no brake lights (just the middle top break light was working) and I acted all surprised.
(How the hell am I supposed to notice this?)
$3.25 later we bought two bulbs and my computer tool kit had the strange star shaped screwdriver required to get to the sockets.
I also could have gone to jail.
Seriously. Read all about my karma and taking down computer systems with my mind. Good stuff.
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I was trying to fiddle with the radio antenna connection one late night on a local interstate. It was about 2 am and the radio kept cutting out. I reached onder the dashboard to reconnect it. The leaning over made me drive a little erratic and the next thing I know the blue lights are behind me. He asked me if I had been drinking and I had not. Told him no. I haden’t had a drink in over a year. He then asked me why I was all over the rioad. I tell the officer that I was fixing the radio wire and he made me get out and walk a straight line. Now I was wearing cowboy boots with a 2 inch heel and he had me walk in the soft sand. He said get back in the car and he said he knows I have been drinking but will give me a brake. He was just going to give me a speeding ticket and let the alcohol part go. I looked him square in the eye and said how about you do the oposite. Give me a brake on the speeding ticket and take me to the station for a breathalizer test. He looked stunned. He didn’t know what to say. After he regained his composure he said um no. He was doing it his way. I think the only reason I was speeding was when leaning way over to the right I pushed down on the gas pedal with the damn cowboy boots and sped up the car. Got rid of the boots and no tickets since then.
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I think every time I got accused of something, you were with me. LOL Good times !!!
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tiff – I love the fact that the jealous Biatch felt your were a threat even knocked up!! I didn’t even like my hubby when I was pregnant, so the fact that you were “supposedly” dingling with a co-worker while a baby baking is hillarious to me. Don’t you wish assault were encouraged as a preventative to stupidity instead of being a crime.
I did get away with a verbal warning on a speeding ticket once, I was speeding but instead of paying attention to how fast I was going I was looking in the mirror picking my nose. So when he asked if I know how fast I was going I said, ” No I was picking my nose.” He busted up laughing and said ” Be careful, that can get you killed!!” Walked back to his car and pulled away still laughing. Who knew.
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Last September I took my son camping along the shore of Lake Huron. We were supposed to leave on a Friday afternoon, but as things worked out we decided to depart on the Saturday. Again the world conspired against me (my poor planning had nothing to do with it) and after several delays we left on the three hour drive to the campground…As I was running late I was, shall we say, somewhat “caviler” with the speed limit and as luck would have it I got pulled over 5 minutes from the camp ground going 120 km per hour in an 80 zone. Now since most of you are probably unfamiliar with the metric system, the punishment for being 40 km over the speed limit in Ontario is basically anal rape (or $250 Canadian). I put the ticket in the glove box, ranted like a lunatic for an hour, and enjoyed the camping trip.
By the time I got home I had forgotten all about the ticket. I continued forgetting all about the ticket until March of this year when I was pulled over again, going to basically the same place, doing the exact same speed, by the same cop. The cop remembered me, and after we had finished reminiscing, he kindly informed me that my failure to pay the first ticket had resulted in the loss of my license. This on top of the $250 of anal rape for the second ticket.
Fortunately I had a friend with me who drove home and the first order of business was to pay off the first ticket, and pay a delightful $150 to get my license renewed. I opted not to pay the second ticket at this time as I had two weeks and wanted to wait until my next pay day. On pay day I opted to use Visa, so I filled out the form with my Visa number and dropped it in the mail. All is good, right?
No. As luck would have it I am driving to Ottawa tomorrow, a seven hour drive from my home. Last evening the envelope with my Visa payment was returned to me, after many months, marked “Undeliverable-Return to Sender”. Anyone care to take bets on the status of my drivers license or on the likelihood I will get pulled over tomorrow?
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Why didn’t you just finish the Big Mac while you were waiting for the cop to check your license?
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2Tall’s story is my favorite comment so far today … seconded by Tyrosine.
I was given a drunk test once that partially consisted of reciting the alphabet. The officer warned ” … and NO SINGING ! “
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Tyroene: its not the long weekend so you should be able to fly under the radar. =-) Just think, if you where a US resident, you would have had a warrant out for your arrest under the same circumstances.
In my younger years I was often stopped for “running the red”. I argued each and every time and got off with warnings each time (that oughta tell ya they where just hassling me). One particular stop the cop was being a real jerk, and tried to keep me from arguing my case (type A personalitys don’t shut up easily)… My passenger at the time says to him “He did NOT run the red light” The cop blurts out “who the hell said that?”, expecting another teenager in the car… he leans down, I point over and said quite sarcastically, ‘My mother’. Boy howdy did his attitude change. It went from “you did run the red light tough guy!”, to “watch out for those yellows, don’t let me see you doing that again”… Rat bastard. A few years later I discovered why I was constantly harrassed by the locals, seems some pot head looked a lot like me and even drove the same model car. That also explained a number of instances of some questionable characters asking to buy drugs from me. Shoulda clued in earilier and packaged some flour. for gas money. =-)
You pregnant (or at one time) ladies do realize there is an entire preggo porn genre out there right? Obviously there are enough people into it to make it a money maker.
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Good story.
But I remember a man who took a drunk test after getting pulled over for doing 105 mph in a rental van with 7 other drunk guys who just spilled their pot on the floor of said van. Also, the guy who was the most drunk wanted to “talk” with the cop to get us out of it.
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McDonald’s commercial, circa 1978…”Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special order’s don’t upset us, all we ask is that you let us do it your way!” Yeah, I think THAT little jingle came out before the places were open at 3 AM and had methamphetamine addicts as fry cooks.
“Arrested.” When I first moved to West Virginia, my business partner used the term, “Arresred for speeding,” on occasion. As in, “I was arrested for speeding up in Ohio,” or “Slow down, you’ll get arrested for speeding.”
Me, being from the West Coast, thought this meant some lengthy stay in a jail cell for being 5 mph over the limit. It took me several years to figure out that when he said “arrested for speeding,” it was the equivalent of the West Coast, “I got a speeding ticket.”
I don’t know whether this term of his was a product of growing up in the 1950′s, or is this a West Virginia phrase?
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I was accused of having an affair with some slut I used to work with. But she was pregnant at the time so I skated.
Why are Helen Keller’s hands purple? She ‘heard’ it through the grapevine.
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Folks, here’s a nice, heart-warming story about one of my fellow rocket scientist West Virginians. And this kinda shit happens all the time around here.
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Oops, here ya go……
http://dailymail.com/policebrfs/200810150151
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Harsh
Why did Helen Keller cross the road? What, like she know’s where she’s going?
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Have you ever been accused of something you were completely innocent of? I have so many stories from both side of the fence but the one that get in my crawl every time I think about it is this:
I had been working the night shift at a group home as a second job to pick up some extra money to help get my ass out of debt. Needless to say, we had some very interesting clients at the home. Most are MR/DD patients who we were training for independence (A big joke since non of them would ever get to that point). Mostly to keep those Medicaid/Medicare dollars rolling in. Meanwhile back at the ranch. I come in one day and to my horror, one of the clients is playing with a flyswatter and about to place the nasty bug incrusted smasher in her mouth. I quickly shout at her to stop and she drops the swatter. I pick it up and place the swatter back into the closet where it belongs and go over to the other side of the house to greet the dayshift and get turnover. Most of the dayshift has already left with the exception of one young girl who is folding the daily wash at the table. I asked her who left the swatter out for someone to get a hold of it and she just shrugged her shoulders as if I understood her expression. I went back to the other side and started going over the log book, nothing new, just a normal day. I started my evening routine with getting the able clients into their showers so the young woman who had the swatter was first on the list for showers since she can shower herself. I walked her to the shower and gave her the instructions and pulled the floor mat off shower wall and dropped it on the shower floor. The usual smack of rubber meeting the floor resounded and I turned on the shower for her and told her to get undressed and into the shower and I gave her a wash cloth and closed the shower door. OK, this is what happens later. Befroe the dayshift girl leaves, she rushed back in the door not saying anything else to me, grabs the log book and runs out the door. WTF? I complete the evening and at 6AM the next morning, I leave to go home and clean up for my other job. Later that day, I get a call from the program manager telling me that she is going to have to suspend me pending investigation and I am to report to the corporate office to give my side of the story. I ask her what is going on and she says that she can not say but I will be told what the charge is when I meet with the corporate office. WTF again? I finally get a meeting set up and all the big wigs are there and the Corporate CEO hands me a sheet of paper and says read this and sign that you have read it. The paper say that I was witnessed striking a client with a fly swatter and that I would be suspended pending criminal investigation. I am lived about now. I tell them my story verbatim as I mentioned above and the say it is out of our hands at this point, it has been turned over to the prosecutors office and they would be in touch with me. Boy am I pissed now. I go home and try to relax before going to bed. Later that evening, I get a loud knock at my door. WTF is that? I look through the peep hole and two IPD cops are there. Is the blah blah residence, we have a warrant for your arrest. I tell them to wait a minute and I get my clothes back on and open the door. I tell them this is a big mistake, I was given a time to meet with the DA the next day and 24 hours hadn’t even expired since I was told of the charge. they said it’s out of their hands and they had an arrest warrant and I was being served. So, I get cuffed and I was taken downtown to lockup. Well to cut this short, I get charged with felon battery (a fly swatter mind you), the case goes to trial and the judge finds me… OK, If you want to know, your gonna have tell me your story. If I think it’s good, I’ll give you the verdict.
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Tyrosine, I here the moose soup is very good in Candian prisons.
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Clintcurtis – that was a Burger King commercial. McDonald’s NEVER wanted you to “have it your way”.
Do you know how Helen Keller’s parents punished her? They rearranged the furniture.
Happy Wednesday, Surfers!
Hey, anyone heard from ScruffytheJanitor lately?
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Egads, all that typing has my fingers in a bunch.
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Did you know Helen Keller had a swingset in her backyard?
Neither did she.
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It’s not exciting, but my high school Spanish teacher accused me of cheating on a test because I reached under the chair to get a clean piece of notebook paper. I had straight A’s in her class for 3 years, and this was our last test. Why she would think I needed to cheat is beyond me.
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I was once accused of porking a fat chick in the snow.
Guilty, your honor.
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I was once accused of being sexist. I would never do that because Bitches hate it.
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WHO THE F would be doing 105 in a rental van??!!
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When I was a teenager, I worked in the back of the local newspaper. There were two of us that took care of addressing all the papers being mailed-out and taking the big canvas bags to the post office. The paper was issued Monday-Saturday. Monday through Friday the paper came out in the evening, and Saturday’s paper was printed on Friday night.
Came in one Monday and was told the boss wanted to see me. He proceeded to chew me out, told me what a low-life I was, he ought to fire me, etc., etc., etc. I finally got a chance to ask what this was all about.
Seems his wife had been decorating the women’s restroom in the place, and somebody had taken paint brushes that were soaking and “repainted” the walls. The boss was blaming me “and your drunken buddies you let in here on Friday night”. I told him that I didn’t know what he was talking about; no one had “visited” the past Friday night, and I had never gone near the women’s restroom. He didn’t believe me, but didn’t want to fire me. I told him if I didn’t need the job so bad that I would quit, and we left it at that.
I found out later in the week that the janitor’s grand-daughter had done the damage when she had accompanied her grandfather on his cleaning rounds over the weekend.
The boss never did come around and apologize, and I never respected that guy after that.
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Your right qweezy, who drives a renatl van at 105. That aksing to be pulled over and locked up.
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I got pulled over on a state highway in a state park for doing 17 in a 15 and not waiting 3 seconds at a stop sign…at three in the afternoon. He let me off with a warning when I demanded proof of both items, not to mention questioning his jurisdiction in that particular area, being a park ranger and all. I also told him that I would be directing all of his inquiries to my lawyer as well as having him written up for having an unsecured shotgun between his seats. Needless to say we both went on our merry way that afternoon.
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I have experience with every.single.department in my home county. And plenty of others, including state troopers.
The worst was one late night, when my friend and I (both mulleted teenagers) were looking for a party. I stopped at a 4-way in the country while he read the crappy directions. As soon as I pulled out, a cop pulled up behind us. As we’re sitting there, the cop and his partner start quizzing us. I asked, “Did I do something wrong?”
He said, ‘Shut up boy, I’ll ask the questions around here.’
After checking IDs and finding nothing wrong, he inspects my car. Turn signals, brake lights, horn, high beams. Then he says he’s gonna check the brakes. Tells me to get out, and he peels out on the gravel shoulder in my ’71 Monte Carlo (great engine). After screaming down the road, doing a donut, and returning to where we’re standing, he declares my brakes bad and writes a repair & report ticket.
I worked at a garage at the time, and the chief mechanic said my brakes were fine.
When I told this story at the cop shop, the receptionist looked at me like I was a friggin’ terrorist – big pleading eyes, telling me there was no problem and the ticket would be canceled and would I please go somewhere else and have a nice day.
here’s my favorite drunk test.
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I got pulled over a few weeks ago by a cop who was clearly on his way to or from work; he wasn’t even in uniform. I had turned right on red (legally) but then had to merge left quickly because the lane unexpectedly ended; I wouldn’t say I cut him off (he was in an unmarked car), but he certainly didn’t want me to change lanes in front of him and I did so anyway. So he turns on the flashers and I slide over. When I see him get out I realize he’s in his civvies and he can’t write me a ticket, so I’m like sweet, he’ll give me some shit for cutting him off and then let me go.
He proceeds to tell me that I can’t turn right on red if traffic is coming. I said, “But I turned into an open lane where there was no traffic.” He paused for a moment and repeated, “But you can’t turn right on red when traffic is coming,” at which point I realized I was doing the cardinal no-no: Arguing With A Cop, so I said “Yes, officer, I apologize,” and he gave me the usual bullshit about “getting there fast is pointless if you don’t get there because you have an accident” and sent me on my way.
This did nothing to improve my opinion of the local cops.
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Jeff,
It appears you need to obtain a copy of this DVD:
BUSTED: The Citizen’s Guide to Surviving Police Encounters
http://www.flexyourrights.org/busted
I’m serious. Get that DVD and watch it. Make the wife watch it. Make the kids watch it when they’re old enough to drive.
Second, he had absolutely no business asking you why you are out so late or where you were headed. When asked intrusive questions like that you simply reply “I’m sorry officer, I know you’re just trying to do your job but I don’t wish to answer that question”.
As someone who has worked with LE and comes from a LE family I’m afraid I must report that in this day and age Officer Friendly isn’t. He isn’t your friend and he isn’t there to help you. You are a suspect to him. An arrest waiting to be made and most of all a threat. In fact, things are so bad that it might be wise to equip your vehicle with surreptitious recoding devices so that you won’t have to rely just on the officer’s word during an encounter. That way if you are abused, which happens all the time now, you have evidence. I know that sounds extreme but it could be the difference between jail time and exoneration. Trust me on this.
I know it sounds extreme but it’s not a bit nice out there. It’s a crazy new world we live in.
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My Dad was going to be a cop as the story goes. His side is they nixed him when he moved outside the city limits. Mom said it was because he showed up at graduation wearing an Hawaiian shrit. 1955…Cincinnati, Ohio…Hawaiian shirt. I like Mom’s side of the story.
The guys here are pretty cool all in all. County and State politiza only. Very small town!
The bunker cam is a hoot! A friggin’ CADDY no less!!!
Thanks for that laugh too Jeff!
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ShinyRod, I want to know how it ends, Was there justice??
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I was getting home late after being designated driver and dropping everyone off. I failed to use my blinker at the traffic light in my little ‘burb and a cop pulled me over.
He asked if I’d had anything to drink.
I was like, sure at like 7 oclock. I had a glass of wine.
Nothing since.
Nope, I was the designated driver. You pulled me over to see if you could catch a drunk didn’t you.
He just glared at me. Then he kind of smiled and told me to use my blinker next time.
HA!
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When I get stopped by a cop they always ask, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” And I always reply, “Is it because I’m white?”
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For you Carla, I will render the verdict.
Seems as though they were stacking things up against me. The girl stated in the trial that I came in the door boisterous and loud, shouting at the clients (I have a loud voice but it is not without volume control). She stated I beat the woman with the fly swatter and she had taken pictures to prove it. The pictures showed a hardly distiguishable red mark on her shoulder about the size of a misquito bite. When she was asked when she took the picture, the girl stated the next day after I witnessed the incident. My lawyer looked at her and stated, “If you knew he hit the woman, why did you wait until the next day to report the incident? Why didn’t you contact the manager and report the incident immediately when it happened? She said,”I don’t know, I wasn’t sure”. The lawyer then asked her “Does the manger have an after hours contact number?” She said “Yes” then he asked her “If you were attacked or witness somebody being attacked, would you call the police?” she said “Yes” then the lawyer delivered the knock out punch. “Then you mean to tell me that you witness the client being hit and you decided it could wait until the next day to report it? She could only say “yes”. The lawyer said to the judge, “I rest my case”, the judge asked the prosecutor if she had any remarks but the prosecutor could only state that she rested her case too! The judge stated that the court was at recess until she returned with her verdict. As I was sitting there waiting the manager comes over and says to me “I’m sorry for what happened, I should have investigated it more before I made the report. All this could have been avoided.” She doesn’t know how much I wanted to reach across the table and beat the crap out of her and the girl. Moments later, the judge returned to courtroom. We all rose, and she stated that the defendent please remain standing for the verdict. She then said “I find this case very reprehensable that two innocent people have been put through a gross misjustice. A client who has what can only be described as a self inflicted scratch on her shoulder and an former employee that has had to endure an unwarranted judicial, fiscal and emotional event. I fault the prosecution for not properly investigating this with unbiased impunity. I fault you miss for not following proper procedures, when you feel an mistreatment has occured to a handicapped individual. I am just reprehensed at all of this. Mr. Blah Blah, you are free to go. The court finds you not guilty by reasonable doubt.” WTF, I start thinking? Reasonable doubt? I didn’t hit the woman, this should be innocent period. WTF? The lawer leans over to me and says, “This is the best you will get”. “If they didn’t have the picture. This would have only been hearsay and it would have been her word against yours. The picture shows reasonable doubt.” Well, am I vendicated? Yes, I heard the company went out of business a few years later when a couple of their patients died due to mishandling and improper drug dispensing procedures. All this over a fly swatter and a shower mat. Seems that when I dropped the mat on the floor, the sound startled the girl and she thought I had hit the woman on the back with the fly swatter. The fly swatter was never in the shower, it was left on the kitchen table and I placed it back in the utility closet before the shower event even happened. The girl never apologized and I never got my job back. I also found out later that the girl was diagnosed with uvarian cancer. I really feel sorry for her.
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@Carla – is there ever any justice?
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You never got your job back???? What? I hope you sued them.
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Misselle, I have to constantly remember “Vengence is mine sayeth the Lord” and let it go. I think they all got theirs and I have to leave at that.
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I too was accused of sleeping with the farm manager at a farm where I worked. HE blamed his affair on ME. He was cheating on his wife with some other woman, wanted to keep seeing the other woman and said that we were having the affair. I had NO IDEA. His wife came on to the farm and I was all nice and pleasent (like I always am) and she starts yelling at me. Calling me homewrecker blah blah blah. I had to laugh. I had no idea what she was screaming about.
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Holy cow, I would say there was no justice there. You were not fully exonerated. In everyone’s rush to be/do the right thing there were mutiple casualties. The girl who thought what she thought (probably still inwardly cringes when she thinks about it, unless shes dead) the challenged lady who wanted to suck on the flyswatter and you the person who actually did the right thing and got unjustly punished for it. Sheese, I wish people would just come right out and ask. Before jumping to wild conclusions. No good deed goes unpunished. I am disappointed in the out-come. Sucks, glad you prevailed and moved on.
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I just found this and there are NO words. Really no words.
http://www.holytaco.com/2008/09/23/worlds-most-disgusting-apartment-is-in-houston/
Thoughts??
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and this…
http://www.holytaco.com/2008/09/22/choreographed-dances-make-god-happy/
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sure. blame it on the pickles.
doesn’t everyone?
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Carla – please dont ‘ever do that again. My God.
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I’m inquiring about the “fully furnished apartment?” And– I think I found your cats!!
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Carla, I’m speechless. tiff, will you hold me whilst I cry? Sychronized dancing for Christ? I was waiting for the over the back finish with a split, but it never came.
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That apartment is almost as bad as the house on Animal Planet that they found over 120 cats in.
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Accused or convicted? :-O
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Some things just have to be shared with others and I figured that ya’ll were the best people to truly appreciate it.
Sorry tiff, I really am. What got me was that it was a woman’s appartment. A woman!!! A woman!
I will NEVER complain about a messy house or tracked dirt again.
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Disgusting apartment: Mmmm. What-a-Burger!
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“Your shit is my bread and butter!”
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This just in Surf Reporters!!!
Pa. man chews through belly-busting, 15-lb. burger
It took Jeff Kay 4 hours and 39 minutes to finish a marathon. A meat marathon, that is. The 5-foot-11, 180-pound Scranton, Pennsylvania manager is the first person to eat a monstrosity called the Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser: a 15-pound burger with toppings and a bun that brought the total weight to 20.2 pounds.
The mountain of beef is the product of Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub, about 100 miles northeast of Pittsburgh in Clearfield.
Kay, 42, of Scranton, said he was surprised he finished the sandwich Monday. “About three hours into it, things got tough and then I tasted pickles,” he said.
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And Jeff Kay, ever the aging hipster, ate the burger ‘ironically.’
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Jeff’s aging retrograde, if it’s said he’s 42.
Nice try, Shiny Rod, but I’m thinkin’ you made that whole darned thing up.
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OK Jeff, here’s my true story (its a bit long but go with it). You can call me a square or uptight if you want, but if I see you I will kick your ass. I still get upset thinking about this.
Summer 1979. I was 16. I spent most of the summer away at camp, and when it ended I had about 5 weeks until school started. I had lots of time with nothing to do and I was encouraged at hien to “find a job till school starts”. OK. The local Eckerd Drug Store (this was a regional chain which is long gone, think of something like People’s Drugs or CVS) has a sign in the window in the local strip mall – help wanted. Having held a similar job the prior summer I was eminently qualified. I rode my bike over there (pre bike helmet days), went in, filled out a form, was interviewed by the manager, and told I was hired, subject to passing a polygraph test. I was given some forms and a page with an address.
The place I to which I was directed was the office of a company which handled “security” for various companies and had a contract with the drug store to polygraph employees. The office was in a rundown office park on wrong side of the tracks, about a 25 minute drive from the store. I still remember, I had to borrow my mother’s car to get these as it was too far to go by bike.
I arrive at the designated time and was soon strapped in to the apparatus. I was given the usual test questions to measure my response and then the real questions stated: “Have I ever been arrested”; “have I ever stolen anything from school or a place of work”, “have I ever been in jail or a juvenile home or work camp” etc., etc, etc.
Then he started with “have you ever used drugs” and I said “no” which was god’s own truth (and to this day I am 45 and have never used any kinds of drugs, including marijuana; disclaimer: I do not define alcohol as a drug). However, the reading on the machine appeared to indicate that I was lying, with the implication being that I do use drugs. He asked me again. Same answer from me, same response from the apparatus. He did this again and I gave the same answer again, and apparently my body’s physical response indicated again that I was lying.
He then tried a different tack, telling me that everything discussed there was confidential, and that even if I did use some drugs it would not automatically disqualify me from working, as the store’s “security assessment” only wanted to know if I had some kind of expensive drug addiction which would drive me to steal from them, but that if I had some occasional marijuana use that is was OK. I again said “no”, but apparently the machine said I was lying. He tried a last time, “its OK, most guys your age do go to some parties with their friends and try a little pot, so we have no problem here if this is what you do or may have done”. I again said no, I have never done this not even once, although if you were about 16 in 1979 and in my high school people like me were as rare as an Eskimo with a suntan. Again the apparatus made me a liar.
He then asked me if I have never used drugs, why the machine would repeatedly indicate that I was lying, and I again gave him god’s own truth: my best friend in high school started using marijuana about 6 months before and this really bothered me. Because it bothered me so much he then stopped being my friend and began to hangout out with the druggie crowd, and would ridicule me for my abstinence. The examiner gave a smirk, which would be translated today as “yeah right!”.
Then the test was over. He took out a form, wrote something on it, put it in a white envelope and sealed it. He handed it to me and said to take it back to the manager of the store. I assumed I had failed the test, and so I was not going to take the envelope back to the store manager. In my mother’s car in the parking lot I tore open the envelope to see exactly how they documented the results, expecting it to say “big fat liar because based on market research, common sense, the bible, and the laws of the State of Texas, there is no such thing as a 16 year old living in suburban America in 1979 who does not use marijuana, and this guy says he never used any”. However to my surplice on the page was the name of the drug store, the name of the security firm, and two boxes, “pass” and “fail”. The “pass” box was checked.
I drove home, put the test in a similar white envelope I took from my father’s desk drawer and returned to the store. I handed to the manager who opened it, look at the result, shook my hand and said “welcome aboard, can you start tomorrow”.
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Actually, it’s true but I just changed that name to protect the guilty. Here’s the link.
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jc4dvH8q74_WXPP7603ZDaXGnb0QD93S1LBG0
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Accused of something I didn’t do? You bet your sweet ass I have!
When I was 16 I worked at a Chik-Fil-A that was on the main drag in my hometown. Well, during the MLK parade an employee of ours hurled a potato over the building and into the parade almost hitting some old woman who screamed bloody murder and swore that it hit her ankle.
Well, I stepped out back for a smoke completely unaware of the happenings and suddenly four squad cars pulled into the parking lot, lights a-blazin’, and one of them jumped out and screamed at me to get my ass inside.
Well, I wandered back in and walked into the dining room (this ain’t your average Chik-Fil-A) and all of my co-employees were standing around looking really nervous. Well, I started walking towards the crowd when a real life crackhead threw his finger up at me and said “Yeea, dat be him” and before I knew it I was in cuffs and on my way to a squad car. Luckily for me the rest of the staff let out a collective WTF! and explained that I was inside the whole time. After watching the video of my frying some chicken the cops let me go.
Months later they tried to subpeana me as a witness but I got kicked out of the DA’s office for threatening to sue their asses for unlawful arrest (no miranda and I was a minor). But thats a whole nother story.
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Oh man do I have a story. I was shopping at *gulp* Urban Outfitters, and after trying on some clothes, i left the dressing room to PAY for my things. While waiting in line, some nazi dressing room attendant with a nose ring comes charging at me like a bull, accusing me of SHOPLIFTING. She had found some tag in my dressing room that she “claims” wasn’t there when she opened up the room for me. What in the ever-loving hell? After much convincing on my part, and a close encounter with a cavity search, she finally let the issue go. But still, very scary stuff. Needless to say, its not the overpriced goods that keeps me away from that store these days…
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Stuart, he was trying to shake you because the machine was actually stating you were telling the truth. If the indicators had changed differently each time you answered the question, it would have indicated you were being deceptive and trying to fool the machine. Isn’t it great to know now that by law, lie detectors can not be used as a basis for employment. Although you can still “screen” applicants with a lie detector test.
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You’re right, Knucklehead! I feel like, well, for lack of a better term, a “knucklehead!” LOL
How does Helen Keller drive? One hand on the wheel, one hand on the road.
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hahahahahaha… Good one.
I get off work at midnight and am an hour drive. The cops really have their eyes peeled. And for some reason it seems like Ohio has 5 times as many cops then any other state.
Always running into those DUI/no seat belt/no helmet/no driver’s license/no voter’s registration card or whatever else they don’t see on you check points.
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in the 80′s my husband and I were driving down an obscure road outside of Bowling Green Ohio. We were driving a Fiero. We were hmmm kind of happy that night and he says. “look I have cat’s eyes.” And was driving along without the lights on. Well nature called and and he stopped so I could relieve myself on the side of the road. All of a sudden there were multiple lights shining on me as I was doing my thing. The cops were surrounding us. I guess we drove into a sting operation for household burglaries. Driving a Fiero there is no room to even put groceries in the car.
The cops started questioning us and realized we couldn’t possibly be robbing houses. One of the cops realized he went to school with my husband and told him to be a good boy and get on home.
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Got “pulled over” for nailin’ my then girlfriend on a green @ the Scranton Country Club golf course. The cop was VERY understanding!
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I wonder about the carcinogens that are still embedded in my knees. No wonder, ever since then, it has been uncomfortable when I go for a run.
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It was going around work once that I was a satanist after my daughter put a heartagram sticker for the rock HIM on the back windshield of my car.
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i guess “i will see you tomorrow” is wvsr speak for see you in a week???????
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GO SOX!!! That’s as political as I wanna get right now.
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when i was in college, my roommate accused me of stealing her diamond ring…the college police came and interrogated me and i let them search my room (cause i didn’t have anything to hide…except my dildo..which they found in no time) and of course they didn’t find the ring cause i didn’t have it…and the cop apologized to me for “any embarrassment he might have caused” and said he was surprised he couldn’t find anything and left. my roommate was still convinced i stole it.
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Ok…never mind. GO PHILLIES!!!
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Good Morning Surf Reporters………..
Back from vacation, trying to get acclaimated to the work routine again.
No deals on my desk after being gone 10 days. I could have, should have stayed in Florida…..
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Is that a ham hock on the bunker cam??
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First?
http://graphjam.com/2008/10/17/song-chart-memes-why-people-write-first/
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Jeff musta got arrested at the library book sale or sumpthin??
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Carla, that’s Andy’s dinner.
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