A Big Steaming Notebook Dump
A few months ago I had a conversation with a woman who was about to move into the brand new home she and her husband designed and paid to have built. She told me her hubby had gone out drinking with a co-worker to celebrate, and the co-worker warned him of something called “the new house curse.”
The guy said everyone he knows who’s built a house soon experienced horrible tragedy. Murder… divorce… spontaneous combustion… the thick piss…
In fact, the co-worker took out his wallet and removed a nail. “This is the final piece of the house we built ten years ago,” he said, “and as long as I carry it in my wallet, the project will never be done. And if it’s never fully completed, I’m safe.” He was reportedly dead serious about it.
We joked about this, and I told her she’d better be careful and heed the warning of the new house curse. Yeah, I was laughing and yukking it up, but if the roles had been reversed I probably would’ve started carrying a nail as well. Because I don’t really care for such things.
And you can probably guess what’s happened. That’s right, it’s just been one unspeakable event after another for that woman and her family. I don’t want to get into the details, but some nightmarish things have occurred since they moved into their new home, and just keep on occurring.
Have you ever heard of such a curse? I hadn’t, but have now, and will never forget it. Holy shitbubbles!
On a happier note, do any of you remember Keebler Danish Wedding Cookies? I used to love them as a kid, and don’t think I’ve seen ‘em in stores since the Reagan Administration.
A few days ago there was apparently some sort of neurological upheaval, and I was hit by a wave of craving for something I hadn’t tasted in 25 years. How is it possible? I simply don’t know.
I assumed they’d been discontinued a long time ago, but apparently not. Check it out. It looks like they come in a box now, when they used to be in a bag. But other than that… it seems pretty much the same.
And this information is doing nothing for my mental health. I must have those powdery cookies, stat!
Microbrew of the Weekend: a Magic Hat winter ale, called Roxy Rolles. It was very hoppy and crisp, and not as spicy as some of the other winter ales I’ve tried. I give it a double-yum, followed by a single Nossy lip-smack.
After disappearing the microbrews, I watched a movie off the DVR, called Guadalcanal Diary. It’s a World War II movie, made during World War II, and is pretty darn good.
But the thing is loaded with racial slurs against the Japanese, almost from start to finish. It was Jap this, and slant-eye that, and, “Honest Sarge, I thought I saw his buck-teeth right in front of me…”
Is it wrong to laugh at such things? Should I feel guilty? It was like I was listening to a Phil Hendrie bit, starring Lloyd Bonafide. I fully expected one of the characters to shout, “We were up to our necks in bowl haircuts!” Just like Lloyd would’ve done.
It was almost shocking. Not quite, but almost.
Nancy called and asked Toney if she and her traveling circus of kookery could descend on our house for Christmas. And Toney said no! I couldn’t have done it, I admit. Especially during the holidays. I would’ve gritted my teeth, and said, “We’d be glad to have ya!”
And it’s a funny thing… a year ago Toney would’ve, too. She’s now so blunt with them, it sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know what’s come over her.
But I’m perfectly willing to reap the benefits of whatever’s caused Toney to snap. It’s a wonderful time to be alive!
She and I were talking about showers the other day, and got into a debate about technique. Toney says you’re supposed to wash your hair first, then your face, then your body. And I’ve always washed my hair last. It’s never even occurred to me to do it in a different order.
Of course my hair is generally a centimeter long, so I don’t use conditioner and all that stuff (I also haven’t owned or used a brush since U2 were hip). So that probably makes a difference, right? I go face, body, hair. And it’s a method that’s served me well.
What do you say about it? Who’s doing it right, and who’s doing it wrong? Are you supposed to wash your hair first? It’s important that I know this.
And just so you’re aware… I’ve already made the joke about going balls, ass, face. So, I beat you to it.
Finally, what’s the story on that “12 Days of Christmas” tune? Christmas is December 25, there is no second day, and there certainly is no twelfth day. What the hell are they talking about?
Yeah, I think it’s just an excuse for some guy to brag about all the pretentious and crackpot gifts his girlfriend gave him. And I refuse to participate.
Have a great day, my friends.
I’ll see ya soon.
Filed under: Daily
NUMBER ONE!!!
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Top 5!
I always wash my hair first. Then apply conditioner and wash the bod while it works. Face is last!
Merry Christmas!
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2? I wash my hair, then use conditioner and let that sit while I wash my body, then face (2 different soaps of course) and then do the full rinse… but that’s just me
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????
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Jeff, I’m going to have to split the difference between you and Toney. I’m a hair, body, face guy…for what it’s worth. I will miss the Eninen circus report, especially how the oldest translucent hacked up Rudolph and rewarded himself over the carcass. Happy Ho-Ho!!
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Damn you TONEY!!!!
WE DEMAND NANCY STORIES!
For what its worth, I wash my ass first, then, with shit all over my hand, I wash my face.
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2Tall, Just because they won’t be here on Christmas day doesn’t mean they won’t be here the day after, or the day after that. They’re very good at finding loopholes. I can almost guarantee they’ll be “visiting” between Christmas and New Years.
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I had a chance to see an early screening of Clint Eastwood’s new Gran Torino and he lays the racial slurs on thick. It’s pretty fucking funny to hear Clint grunt and then call his barber a cheap guinea wop.
Might be his best movie since Unforgiven.
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I wash from top down. If you wash something lower first, it just gets the dirt and grime from the upper parts back on it. You have to work with gravity here.
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I’m with shelley and sportzbelle…
i believe the 12 days of xmas refers to the trip that magi took – they got to bethleham on the 12th day.
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I’ll pray for sunshine (not Sunshine) and warm breezes for their journey from the frozen North. Wait, maybe I should pray for Sunshine…and Mumbles….and Eninen to visit for Christmas. I can just see your hand breaking the sound barrier while whipping through your hair. Just think of the MAYHEM!!!
Maybe Hanukkah Harry will bring me that instead of socks.
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She’s right. Hair, face, body.
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I can’t tell you what I do in the shower. I believe it’s outlawed in 36 states.
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A few weeks ago Jeff posted a question about summer camp. Over half the WVSR readers reported having attended some type of religious camp, yet I, apparently the lone atheist here, knows the origin of the 12 days of Christmas:
There are 12 nights of Christmas and 12 days. The first night is Christmas eve and the first day is Christmas day. The 12th day is traditionally Epiphany. Traditionally the 12 night is when the 3 Wise Men found Jesus et al.
Over the years different faiths have put different spins on things, so the days change depending on who you talk to (Orthodox, Catholic, Calvinist, etc.)
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I generally go top down starting at the neck. All things head are last unless I know there’s a hot water issue and I might have to hurry.
Oklahoma City is cold. And far far away from everywhere I want to be.
T
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A college girlfriend convinced me of the hair, then face, then body technique. Her theory was along the lines of “shit flows downhill” or something like that so you need to clean from the top down to catch the stuff that flowed from higher up. Made sense to me and I’ve stuck with it. The girl may have figured out a way to trick gravity, but she couldn’t trick me into believing she wasn’t humping my best friend.
As for the twelve days of Christmas, it has to do with the length of time between Christmas day and the Christian holiday of Epiphany, which I think was when the Wise Men showed up in Bethlehem, but I could be wrong.
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I got an email this morning about the twelve days of Christmas. Supposedly it was written when being Christian was a crime, so it’s all written in code. Jesus is a partridge in a pear tree. The two turtle doves are the old and new testaments. It went on, but I got bored about that time.
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters………
Hair first, lather, rinse, repeat(seriously who does that?), then if needed add the conditioner. Let that sit while the rest is being attended to. Usually the body minus the nether regions, then rinse the conditioner out, scrub up the face and neck, then hit the primary spots one last time.
I remember JK asking if anyone washed their feet while they’re in the shower. Am I right about that? If not, why did it just pop into my memory?
12 days of Christmas, never really thought about the origins, but always thought it was some type of British custom, you know with the lords ‘a leapin’, ladies dancing and maids ‘a milkin’.
According to the internets, this year the 12 days of Christmas would cost you $86,609. That is an increase of over 10.9% from last year.
Now, since I’m at work with no work to do, I’m gonna’ git’ to cypherin’ and figure out the total amount of items in the song if one were to receive such things over a twelve day period….
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face, hair, bod, legs, feet, parts
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I usually take a ‘whores bath’; never a shower.
As for the new house curse, I am calling bullshit. Most renters I know live miserable lives.
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trying this again, for some reason I’m not able to post, prior two attempts didn’t go through.
All added up you would receive the following:
12 partridges
12 pear trees
24 turtle doves
30 french hens
36 calling birds
40 gold rings
42 geese
42 swans
40 maids
36 ladies
30 lords
22 pipers
12 drummers
for a grand total of 378 items and individuals
where would you keep all of it??
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Hair first you dirty pig. Start from the top removing the filth… And yes wash your feet. Don’t be disgusting.
Tell me more about the curse. I haven’t heard it before. What sort of sad things have happened? Is there a curse for people buying an old house thats falling apart? Silly me – speaks for itself.
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In case you really care, I ran across this just today find it prety interesting…
From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote “The 12 Days of Christmas” as a catechism song for young Catholics.
It had two levels of meaning: the surface meaning
plus a hidden meaning known only to members of the church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember:
-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.
-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.
-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit–Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit–Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles’ Creed.
So there’s your history for today.
Merry (Twelve Days of) Christmas Everyone
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I’ve not heard of the curse. Nor has anyone I know been cursed by real estate. By mortgage lenders and an inability to spot something “too good to be true”, sure, but not by the actual property.
I’m with Yo, it’s top down. I clean the house the same way. That way when I don’t have to do the floors again after I wipe down the counters and cabinets.
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Hair, face and then body – ending with the butt. Surely your mom taught you that modus operandi, Jeff!!
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I’m with the girls that said “hair, body, face”. That’s my order with a final rinse all over.
Yes, I wash my feet
Oh, and Tyrosine, you’re not the lone atheist. There’s at least two of us.
Happy Tuesday, Surfers!
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Hair, rinse, body, rinse, face, rinse. That’s 3 rinses.
Do y’all have so much filth that you’re really worried about it sticking to the already washed parts? I mean, it’s in the soap, right? So if the soap is gone, the filth is gone (otherwise, wouldn’t the bar of soap always be dirty?
We used to put our shoes out on Jan 6, and the Magi (or whoever) would fill them with baseball cards, candy and whatever. I think it’s a Dutch tradition.
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I wash face, body, hair – in that order. I use bar soap and my wife uses “body wash”. She used to use the bar soap too but I would joke with her and tell her to remember what she washes first and then think about what I washed last.
The new home curse is a steaming pile. I think when someone turns you on to a new curse that supposedly applies to you take special notice of any bad thing that happens, then blame it on the “curse”. It’s kinda like the people that always claim to get stuck in long lines at the grocery store. The truth is that they only make note of the long lines, and forget about the times they get in short lines. If you’re a long liner, take note.
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Arms, body, legs, then face and hair. Anything else is stupid and just plain wrong.
Merry Christmas!
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Re: bunker cam pic – Is that Dusty Hill hanging out with the chillins?
Oh yeah, it ain’t nobody’s damn bidness what I warsh first in the shower.
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I have to start with my hair first because if I were to get down to the body and for some reason find myself otherwise preoccupied, I may forget to wash my hair.
My wife bought this new mat for the shower that has this little massage like fingers on it. It feels really good and combined with the shampoo that naturally falls down to it, it makes for a comfy way to wash your feet.
I have not attempted to scoot upon it like a dog would, but with a big enough shower, it might be worth a try.
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I am posting shower instructions so that Mr. Bangs will finally get it.
1. Wet hair
2. Shampoo and rinse hair.
3. Apply conditioner
4. Apply and scrub in facial wash
5. Soap up body, starting at the top, skipping the more interesting parts, doing legs, feet than the naughty bits.
6. Full rinse, starting with hair, then tuning around to do face and finally body.
And that is why I cannot stand under the running water. There has to be a period of “soaking”, just like at the car wash!
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Speaking of cookies – apparently Archway Cookies went out of business a while back.
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Keebler made some similar lemon cookies that were pretty damn good too.
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am i imaginging things or was there really an rather good post earlier in day about earler writing?
no trace of it now
i wash whats left of hair last so soap not run in eyes
have diabetis
so always wash and inspect feets in shower
want to keep toes as long as possible
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Hair first, & rinse, then 3 Minute Miracle conditioner left on. Face with soap (must be Safeguard) & washcloth, rinse. Then everything else with body wash–right now some Aveeno no-itchy stuff and rinse with hand-held. Rinse hair with hand-held last. If enough time left, re-rinse naughty bits extra good with hand-held on pulse.
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So yer brushed yer hair this morning, eh sonny?
Hair, sunglasses, face, sunglasses, body, penis, Grammy awards with penis, feet.
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Just because I went to Baptist camp don’t make me no Baptist! I just happened to have a thing for Baptist boobs … now I have a thing for boobs that were raised the Catholic way. Either way I don’t buy half that nonsense and I just love getting my in-laws all riled up about the Pope and all his nonsense.
Alright – time for me to strip nekkid and run around the block in my final tribute to the Winter Solstice!
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Is it just me….I brush my teeth first thing in the shower. Then move on to hair, face, body.
I live in a small Japanese apartment and the sink is located in the shower. So I have to make the choice to clean my teeth at the kitchen sink (gross) or to stand on a wet floor after I’ve already gotten dressed (soggy socks). In the shower just seems to be the easiest place.
Cookies – Remember the Circus Animal cookies coated in pink and white frosting and little sprinkles…those were the best cookies ever.
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The Twelve Days of Christmas, and the associated evenings of those twelve days (Twelve-tide), are the festive days beginning the evening of Christmas Day (December 25) through the morning of Epiphany (January 6). The associated evenings of the twelve days begin on the evening before the specified day. Thus, the first night of Christmas is December 25–26, and Twelfth Night is January 5–6. This period is also known as Christmastide.
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Basically it’s a pre Christian Pagan ritual honouring the Winter Solstice: or in laymen’s terms: “Winter is crap let’s get Hammered!”
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$40 for a box of cookies? Hell, get me the recipe and I’ll make ‘em for you.
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The only house curse I’ve heard of was the couple who were allergic to the new carpet in their new house, among other “off-gassings.” I think after about 6 months to a year of airing the house out; they adapted to the smells.
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Hate to bust your bubble, Jeff, but there’s no such thing as a curse, house or otherwise.
The next time someone tries that supernatural nonsense on you, ask to see their data. That usually shuts ‘em up.
Today’s quote: “The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary, men alone are quite capable of every wickedness.”
Joseph Conrad
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Brenda Love,
I saw several boxes of “Keebler Danish Wedding Cookies” when I went to Publix earlier. They were about $4 a box. They didn’t look all that great to me so I didn’t buy any. But maybe I should. I could sell them on Amazon for $20 a box and use the handsome profits to keep me in beer for a month or two.
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Hair with combo shampoo and conditiner, face with Kiehl’s Foaming Non-Detergent Wash, body with Aveeno (seperate wash cloth) and then the feet get a good pumice and scrub (seperate wash cloth). Perhaps it’s a bit much, but I’ve got very dry skin. In fact, my black friend in college told me I was the “ashiest white motherfucker he ever met.” After the shower begins the re-hydration process that I won’t go into in depth, but it does involve a virgin sacifice. It takes work and a bunch of virgins to look this good.
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I love it that Toney told Nancy “No.” I’m fascinated! How did she feel afterward? was it no big deal to her? did she catch hell from Nancy about it?
Some woman I barely know called and put me on the spot Sunday night – invited herself over and when I said it wasn’t a good time, she demanded to know why, etc I HATE having to explain myself in situations like that.
Hair then body while conditioner is doing it’s thang
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whoever suggested reading Elyse Sewell’s Live Journal – Thanks!
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‘course, if you think about it….
over a twelve day period, and you received 140 people that were all piping and drumming, dancing and ‘a leaping, you’d have to feed them.
There’s where the 84 geese and swans plus the 102 smaller fowl come into play. Not only are they partying, they’re eating well.
The really cool people wind up with a gold ring and a dozen special folk get a pear tree.
Now it all makes perfect sense…………
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Always wash top to bottom, just makes sense. Conditioner? Please.
Jeff, as for the cookies, have you ever asked the manager at your local grocery to stock something you can’t find? They usually will and if my local guy doesn’t think he can move the item, he will usually do a single order and let me buy what I want from it, usually at cost.
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12 days referrs to the 12 bottles of burbon that you must drink during the Christmas holiday, lest ye burn in hell for eternity.
Method of washing is dictated by gravity. The reason people have to use conditioner is the shampoo, it fucks you hair, big time. It removes the natural oils with the garage floor cleaner that is in it. Sodium Laureth Sulfate is a foaming agent and pretty nasty.
Those cookies are great and the Amazon price is for 12 boxes.
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The cookies that I really miss the most are those really thin cookies shaped like windmills, that have a granular glaze of cinnamon-y sugar and almond slivers stuck to them. They were Swedish, or from Denmark or somewhere, so I always referred to them as “de-hooden-hooden” cookies (as if the Muppets Swedish Chef would say it) Man, I could eat an entire pack in one sitting. Don’t see ‘em around much anymore.
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my t-shirt arrived!!!!
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Archway cookies just opened their doors again! for the time being anyway.
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I just got a Christmas card from one of my employees that says:
“Seasons Greetings… Money’s Short, Times are Hard, Here’s Your Fucking Christmas Card”
Then, inside it says:
“Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt shitty
Even the Mouse
Mom at the whorehouse
And Dad smoking grass
I’d just settled down
For a nice piece of ass
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of Hell
I knew in a moment
The fucker had fell
He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick
For my brother the queer
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart
He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a hell of a night!”
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$40.00 bucks for a dozen boxes of cookies?
and whats in them tiny trudballs?
I am definitely a hair, face, body person and here is the reason: if you wash your body and face first they are clean, then you go ahead and wash you your hair and all the dirt from your hair slides down your already clean body and you think you are done, but no you now are all dirty again from the dirt from your hair.
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1.) Pre Soak entire body
2.) Shave
3.) Pee
4.) Soapy Wash (private areas) with body soap usually 2-3 minutes
5.) Rotate several times under shower head
6.) Wash Hair
7.) Pee
8.) Wash Feet
9.) Rinse
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Holy Bat shit Robin, I made it into the top 500!
My new home has brought not one bit of bad luck…..
Unless finding this web sight can be construed in that manner?? Hmmmmmmmm
Screw political correctness!
Merry Christmas to Jeff, his family and the rest of us screwball followers!
Have a Grrrrrrrreat One !!!!!!!!!
It’s gotta be face, body, hair…… no question, we aren’t washing a car here…..
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Hey Adam……. WTF ? no Armorall ???
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Thanks Anne for the decoding of the Twelve Days of Christmas. Interesting! I was told the twelfth day ended on the Day of Epiphany or Jan. 6th which is also the day to take down the Christmas tree or thereafter.
Hair, rinse, condition, begin body soaping, rinse hair and body. Pumice feets, rinse. Done!
Merry Christmas Surfers!
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Mark, Armorall is not very viscous… in fact, it’s the antithesis of viscous… which makes catching those virgins difficult.
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Tshirt! yay!!! Love it!!!
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Merry Christmas Surf Reporters!!!!!!
Just finished up the office Christmas party, I’m the last one to leave. Sitting at my desk drinking a beer. A beer! At work!
This is awesome, I’m just saying……
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WVSR Tee’s arriving today! I’m wearing mine right now before I go in for a two hour security stint at work, and then go get wasted (Again). Merry Christmas to all!
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ETW…I started to say the windmlii cookies and got distracted/ busy and wiped out the comment yesterday. I think they were called Jon Hoggles. Absolutly loved them and I’m sure at one time I figured I could live on those things alone. Hey…there’s an almond sliver here and there. Yum!! The pink and white things with sprinkles also came in chocolate. Yum!!
Hair/ conditioner, body,FEET, rince hair, face, ears & neck. Three minutes tops. I’m going to go time that right now.
Good times to everyone. Merry Christmas!!—dave
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DAMN! I didn’t get my t-shirt today and I’m leaving until Jan. 6th.
I’ll check in when I can from Italy -
Merry Christmas, Surfers!
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OK…15 minutes to trim my beard. (not an everyday thing)
2 minutes looking for a cork to replace the one that broke off opening the bottle of wine.
5 minutes actual shower. I’m 6’2″ and moving slower than I used to I guess. I did notice though that a slow moving drain will actuall wash your feet for you. Ankle deep in shampoo and body wash has to count. Maybe some toe wiggling? Don’t know…need more lab work on that.
Oh…windMILL…crap
-d
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For the past several years we’ve gone to Waffle House on Christmas morning for breakfast. Tomorrow morning will be no different. But every year I end up being disappointed with what I order. It’s always the hashbrowns with everything atop them. I always vow that I won’t do it next year, but I panic and do it anyway.
So if anyone reads this message between now and tomorrow morning, and can offer some advise as to what is delicious at Waffle House, I’d really appreciate it.
Merry Christmas!
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First, I type this while wearing my WVSR t-shirt that arrived in the mailbox on Christmas Eve. Jah bless us, every one!
Next, I currently live in a house that was being built when we got involved in the situation. I can confirm our family did get figuratively ass-raped with a broomstick during that era, but we are now all alive and well, though occasionally we have to pump Poltergeist ectoplasm out of the basement with a sump pump.
As the son of a man who painted houses for builders evil enough to get their own episode of 60 Minutes, you’d think I’d know better. But sue me, I enjoy things like level floors and strong water pressure in the shower.
Last, one of the most life-changing questions I was ever asked was: “After you suds your hair with shampoo, do you rinse off your hands before you rinse the shampoo from your hair?” I said yes, and still do, but now every morning is tainted knowing that that action is futile at best, and dementedly obsessive at worst.
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wow, just got my week long fill of the report. My folks live in Parkersburg where I grew up. It’s pretty much the chemical-cancer central with the Ohio river right there. Anyway they don’t “believe” in the internet.
In HS we had something called “the penis game”. Basically, it started when someone whispered “penis” in a room during a particularly quiet period like a test. The game was that the next guy had to say “penis” slightly louder than the last, without getting caught. Each time it got louder, until either no one said it, or the teacher caught on. On time in gym class we were reading something on the bleachers and someone whispered “penis”. After a few rounds the gym teacher jumped up from his desk, tossed down his clipboard and yelled at the top of his lungs, “PENIS!”, then calmly sat back down and continued reading. You could of heard a mouse fart. Afterward, people in other class rooms in other parts of the school building asked me, “did you hear coach M earlier?” good times…
I just got into ham radio, it’s a whole new world of expensive electronics….
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Merry Christmas to all! Just got back from the usual Christmas Eve visit at my Mom’s and realized I forgot to wish all the Surf Reporters one!
Then I realized that everyone is having one already except for me… T-shirts arrived just in time for the Holiday, but alas- no long sleeves for me. Oh well, I have high hopes for ’09.
And to all a good night!
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