3 Questions to Get Us Through the Weekend

Toney and the older boy are out of town for a couple of days, and I’m “entertaining” the younger hooligan.

Later we’re going to play nine holes at a Par 3 golf course, then head to Five Guys for dinner.  Afterward, we might watch Cabin Boy, a movie that’s funny as hell, despite what the hipster herd animals will tell ya.

Tomorrow?  I don’t know yet.  I haven’t story-boarded it out.  But I’ll come up with something.  I’m very good at coming up with something.

The limited edition summer shirts will be ready for pickup tomorrow, after 3 pm.  So, I’ll be bringing the portable distribution center up from the basement again, and processing orders.  For some reason I like to watch the 1975 World Series during shirt frenzies, and that’s the plan this time, too.

It’s too late to buy the limited edition, but I still have plenty of the blue/gray Evil Twin shirts available.  And now would be a perfect time to buy one, since I’ll already be in the aforementioned frenzy.  Here’s yer link, in case you’re interested.

They’re great shirts, and that ain’t boolshit.

Also, I’ve had a few requests (it’s true) for an easy way to contribute to my beer fund on a recurring basis.  I finally figured out how to do it (I’m dumm), and added the PayPal link at the bottom of the page here.  It’ll charge your credit card each month, for the amount you specify, until you tell it to quit.

And I appreciate all your support, whether it comes in the form of shirt purchases, beer donations, Amazon loyalty, or just showing up here every day or two.  It’s all good, and I thank you guys, sincerely.

You know what’s a really kick-ass
and often-overlooked album?  The second release by The Clash, Give ‘Em Enough Rope. I’m blasting it now, and it’s pushing all the right buttons.  How come that record doesn’t get much love?

I just thought I’d mention it…

And I hate to cut this one short, but the Secret is waiting with highly-manipulative puppy dog eyes.  I’d better get this show on the road.

Since I probably won’t be able to update again until Monday, I’ll leave you with THREE questions to get us through the weekend.  Please don’t feel compelled to answer all of them.  But if you wanna, that’s cool.

Here we go:

It is my opinion that Coke (Coca-Cola, that is) is the burpiest thing on Earth.  Man, that stuff almost makes my esophagus turn inside-out.  Is there anything burpier?  Please tell us about it.

And what’s the shortest time you’ve ever worked at a job?

During a previous lifetime I accepted a ludicrous gig selling meat and seafood door to door, and lasted less than two weeks.  It sucked on so many levels…  And I ended up with a freezer full of onion rings, and no money!  Did I ever tell you that story?  Oh brother.

I’ve also worked at places where a new-hire stuck around until their first break, then disappeared forever.  So, if you have anything on short working tenures, use the comments link below.

And finally, how have you broken the law this week?  You know, going by the strict letter of the law…  I’ve done a lot of speeding, and also reading texts while driving.  I didn’t write any texts, but read a few.  Please don’t judge me.

Thanks for everything, and I’ll see you guys on the other side.

Have a great weekend!

Now playing in the bunker
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Comments

  1. TxTy says

    3 – Isn’t that the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

    I’ve got Give ‘Em Enough Rope, London Calling and Black Market Clash on my playlist. Excellent stuff!

    I still have a 10″ of Black Market Clash tucked away in a closet. It should be worth something some day, right? RIGHT? Please say ‘right’! That’s my retirement!! That and the comic books!!!

    Later, y’all

  2. johnthebasket says

    Gretchen,

    “The End of History” seems wrong on so many levels, it’s almost imossible to respond. I don’t know a great deal about brewing, but a 110 proof beer seems impossible without serious cheating. Having accomplished that, one way or another, what kind of creative force would think the next logical step would be to cram the brew down the gullet of a deceased, medium-sized rodent?

    This might not be the end of history, but with the right eyes you can see it from here.

    jtb
    OB12

  3. says

    Burpiest??
    Shortest job 5 days carrying cement blocks up scafolding in below zero weather.
    Laws broken herbage and driving over the limit everyday.

  4. johnthebasket says

    Stephanie,

    Great story well told. Always nice to hear your digital voice. Next: Storyboard it as a proposal for a graphic novel and submit it to GN publishers.

    And for cripin’ out loud, comment more often. Your comments are always welcome and entertaining.

    best wishes,

    jtb
    OB12

  5. says

    @ Stephanie: Jesus H.!!! What a nightmare! Wonder what ever happened to those people. Dead? Jail? That’s a hell of a story!

    @ m: I’ve been working for doctor’s for the last 25 years. This is the last one. Never again for the very reason you mentioned. They take and take and take, but never give. Although I really like the doc I’m with now as he is talented and has a huge heart for his patients….but his wife runs the office…never again.

  6. SC Scott says

    As a teenager I took a job picking apples after school at the local orchard (back in Mass.). Got thru one day, never went back. Oh wait, I did go back for my one day paycheck, which back then came out to less than ten dollars. The looong wooden ladder that I had to manuever between tree branches was a ball buster, and some dude was yelling at me about breaking tree branches.

    Every morning on my way to work I blow thru a particular stop sign on my motorcycle, usually doing about 25 mph. But in my defense, it’s a back road, rarely any traffic, and I can see for a long way in both directions before getting to the stop sign. And the road turns toward the direction I need to go (if it was a right turn I needed to make I would never be able to go thru it that fast). So it really doesn’t feel like I’m breaking a law, and actually I don’t understand why everone else doesn’t do the same thing. Most of these southerners are pussies behind the wheel.

  7. JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says

    In the early 90’s, I got a gig through a temp agency at an injection molding plant. I lasted about 3 hours. The monotony, noise, and smell were too much.

  8. says

    My shortest job was probably about an hour, but I don’t really know if it counts. I had worked for the company before, I was a field hand (bitch) in the oil fields of central Louisiana throughout my high school years. At some point I went back to the region for a short time and the owners offered me a job again, but this time I would be a supervisor, so I took the gig.

    For the entire first (and only) hour I was shoveling sediment out of the bottom of an oil battery. Now let met set this up for you. The oil battery is where crude oil, straight out of the ground, is stored for pick-up by the giant oil companies. After so much liquid oil goes through the battery sediment builds up in the bottom. It is exactly like tar and sand mixed together, however it smells like burning sulphur, stains skin, and makes people pass out. The entire tank thing is 25 feet tall and probably 15 feet in diameter. The hole to get in and out of the battery is a hole about 30 inches in diameter. It gets about 120 degrees or worse in the battery. There was about a foot of this sediment covering the entire floor of the tank. And I, as the supervisor, have to shovel all this crap out of the little hole because the company was too cheap to use the diesel pumps it already had to clean out the tank. All the while the people I am supervising DON’T EXIST. No one there to help, no one there to pull me out if I pass out, no communication, no human for 5 miles while I am in this oil battery breathing death. Fuck that.

    I disappeared and haven’t been back since. I didn’t stop in at the office. I didn’t say goodbye. I didn’t pick up my $5 for the hour I worked. I just left the tools on the ground and drove off into oblivion.

  9. says

    Does less than 0 minutes actually at a job count? I got a job starting the upcoming weekend at a local hall, friday I got told I don’t have the job anymore. Nepotism won out as I found out on sunday from the kid himself.
    (hey Alex, I didn’t see you at the hall on saturday, I thought we’d be working together. Beats me, they called on friday and said the job no longer existed What about you? Uhm, my dad told me friday I’m working tommorow at the hall….

  10. CaseyJ says

    Shortest job ever. Living in Columbus Ga, and answer a positive sounding add about making $10 bucks per hour, sounds ok. Go to meet, job seems to be at some backwoods hillbilly shop with Jesus stenciled on the wall. This job was walking around accosting(sp) people to buy items in the briefcase you carried around. omg. I am a little white girl in a very unwhite area of Georgia just trotting around(I had a partner). This lasted about one hour, on the last cruise I had them drop me at my house. Thank you, no. I will get shot on my own damn time.

    Dr Pepper makes me burp horrilbe. Coke is thick and slimey. yuck. not a big soda fan.

    I always speed. I am also a compulsive liar. I poked my ex hubby on facebook…also illegal. Don’t ask. :)

  11. dto says

    Hey Jeff…how’s my Limited Edition t-shirt look?

    and….I’ve spent six hundred bucks at the Amazon link since Feb. Music, DVDs and….a Black and Decker electric lawn mower. ($189)… and I don’t even really have a “lawn”. Music and DVDs and some books was the rest.

    I was actually going to go get a job today just to quit. Was going to up the ante on time but less than 0 is hard to beat. How about if I walk out the door…turn around and go back in and quit looking for a job? Does that count?

  12. says

    @CaseyJ…The same thing happened to me. The guys who were training me pretty much kidnapped me, so we stopped at Burger King for lunch and I hid in the bathroom until one of my friends came and picked me up. It was humiliating.

  13. mark0510 says

    Just read Stephanie’s post and it kind of makes my paper round story sound utterly feeble. So I think I’ll give it a miss!

    I agree with Jeff though, The Clash are a fantastic band. Bank Robber is awsome to sing along to when drunk.

  14. Rob says

    Yeah, Stepanie’s story brought up a painful memory of a job ad I answered once. This lady ran a children’s party business and I would be one of the “characters”. Think Barney, Mickey Mouse, clowns, etc. My job, (had it lasted longer than 2 hours) would have been to dress up in mascot-like suits and entertain at kids birthday parties, etc. Well, the “interview” was at her house and she was really insistant that I try on the all the costumes and that I’d probably be more comfortable in my underwear. (just the first of many red flags) Being Southern, I’m polite to a fault, so when she started trying to help me remove my shirt, I said, “Will you excuse me for just a moment?” and I bolted for the door. Thinking back on it, she was probably just a lonely “cougar’ looking for action with a naive, early 20 something guy, but at the time, I thought she was just a freak who wanted to have sex with a guy in a Barney costume. Too weird…

    Oh yeah, Coke is very burpy.

  15. dto says

    Barney suit and all…when do you a chance? At that age I had my standards but hey…I’da dressed up like Captain Kangaroo!

  16. Chuck in Belpre says

    Barney gets a beejer. Hah!

    Damn…the asphalt in front of my house has all run down the storm sewer. I now live on a dirt road. It’s so damn hot I saw Satan at Home Depot buying a Fedders.

  17. mark0510 says

    Rob, Thanks for sharing that. Considering the average male fantasy (maid / nurse etc.) is pretty well established by now, I always wondered what it was that got women going. Now that I know it’s bloody Barney, it just re-enforces my belief that we will never, ever, ever understand the female of the species.

  18. t-storm says

    Chuck, do you go to the Sternwheel Festival in Marietta?
    I generally go every year. Good times.

  19. Chuck in Belpre says

    t-storm,
    It has been a few years since I have gone to the Sternwheel Festival. I do enjoy Bluesfest though.

  20. says

    The only adult type job I ever bailed on was working at a fabric store. The anal ahole who hired me was on vacation the 1st week I worked there….it was a lovely week…no problems, got along fine with all the other employees and the asst. manager.
    1 hr. into week 2 on Monday after he returned, he calls me into his office. He doesn’t like my footwear. The only thing in the ‘rule’ book said no sneakers but he was prick with a napoleon complex who loved to jerk chains for his amusement.
    I was a newly graduated college student with limited funds…these were not sneakers but they were the only non-sneaker shoes I had. He sent me home to change shoes, thinking he could intimidate me.
    So I left and didn’t go back.
    Instead I called the corporate HQ in TX and followed up with a letter threatening them with a sexual harrassment suit among other things. I got a real nice apology along with an offer of a similar job in a different store in the next town over.
    Not that I would EVER work those those ass clowns again….
    Fairly shortly the whole chain of fabric stores went under…I like to think that I had someone to do with bringing them down….. 😉

  21. t-storm says

    I’ve always been amazed by the “power” that certain managers think they have over employees. Like a Taco Bell manager who takes his job way too seriously.

    I want to start applying for these jobs just for the stories.

    I imagine it’s a lot like 40 yr old virgin. Did you notice there was nobody under 30 at that store, except for maybe seth rogen.

    And later tonight I’m going to staple my dick to a monkey.

  22. hot fuzz says

    When I refreshed the screen to see if there were any new reporter updates, I only saw the last line of the comment without seeing who was the author “And later tonight I’m going to staple my dick to a monkey”….

    My immediate thought was “t-storm”. :)

    And then I went to see the comment you posted on the last report and I see you have a theme going. nicely done

  23. Stephanie says

    @ t-storm: My God, Man…you don’t mean…*gulp*…Nancy as in “Nostrils” do you??? (Didn’t they live in one of them thar Carolinas?)

    @ clintcurtis: Your story is no less horrifying…crackheads, hypothermia, AND fish? Egads…I don’t know which is worse…

    @ jtb: Thank you as always, for your kind words!

    @ bikerchick: I figured my post was getting too long winded…But…I eventually ended up calling child services about the family, because it turned out that “Mom” (L_____) was also turning in paystubs for P_____, which just happened to be HER “real” (?) name. Fraud, on top of everything else…Oh, and she had all of these random doctors diagnosing the kids with anything and everything so she could get more money from the state. The younger boy had issues, this, we know. The older boy (who mom had a doctor report had an IQ of 68) would have conversations with me about why women in comics wear such “provocative” costumes. Um. Yeah. Other than the translucents, what 10 year-old uses that word correctly in a sentence? Jeff would say a douchekeeter, I know.

    @ Brittney: Thanks for the sympathy…I still get all creeped out just thinking about it.

    @ mark0510: Everyone here has a work-related horror story that is indeed horrible. It’s just that some are more horrible than others!

    @ Rob: Um. Was this “cougar” at least a wee bit attractive? If not, I would have put one of the costume heads on HER, and done the deed.

  24. t-storm says

    Oh yeah, nancy, nostrils, some poor innocent translucents, and one shit drizzling dog that has bit everyone, including Andy (Peanut Butter McGee).

    Later oon tonight I’m going to staple my dick to a hobo.

  25. t-storm says

    Chuck,
    My mom told me that Riverfront Roar had a beer (bier) garden. Sternwheel won’t do it, claiming to be a family event. F that. My family drinks. Also I remember walking down there with my dad as a kid and he had a cooler full of Busch.
    And how is an event “dry” when there are 10 bars within stumbling distance. Including the shithole that is the four diseases, or the bigger shithole across the river in williamstown.

  26. Chuck in Belpre says

    You ever done this?

    It’s a lazy Summer afternoon and you are all alone on the couch with the earbuds jammed deep into the listening canals. Singing along. No one around so you might as well let it all out. You know your voice isn’t fit for others but it’s just you. Right?
    Between songs you hear someone pounding on the front door. Oh, brother…wonder how long they have been out there? So you open the door and your heart just sinks. Turns out it’s that red-headed Australian landscaper you’ve had designs on (see what I did there?) for at least three months. And you’ve got it bad. You’ve gone so far as to have her trim all your boxwood hedges into Looney Tunes characters just so you could watch that tight little ass as she bends over to put the finishing touches on Tweety. You ask her all sorts of silly questions just to hear her speak in that Down-Under accent…the one that makes your little pal twitch like a Hula dancer on hot sand.
    But the jig is up…and you just know you are stuck with five thousand dollars of goofy topiary with nothing to show for it.
    There is no chance you are ever going to get a taste of that sweet muffin because she just caught you singing along to Sister Hazel and there is no recovering from that humiliation.
    You ever done that?

  27. t-storm says

    The only acceptable sisters are Sister Christian and Twisted Sister.

    Later tonight I’m going to staple my dick to a handsome cab.

  28. Al says

    I worked at a job once where a new hire quit after 7 minutes. It was in a factory doing sheet metal fabrication……. Guy showed him how to load some parts into a welding machine, then push a buttond, and bang, clang, buzzzzzzzzzz. The machine spits out a finished (smoking red hot) part. Dude looked at the smokin’ mass of red hot steel, and said,
    “Fuck this. I’m going back to hangin’ drywall.”

    Wotta pussy.

  29. WB in OH says

    Random comments working backwards.
    Hanging sheetrock ain’t no picnic. Can’t imagine how stoned he must have been.
    Mmmm…Bells two heart pale ale.
    Ida Powell would sell us beer (schaeffer light) at 14, wouldn’t have fucked her with dto’s dick.
    I won’t be stapling my member to anything.
    JTB-Thanks.
    Reds are back in first, suck it haters. Oh and thanks for the help cubbies!

  30. dto says

    Thanks WB in OH for protecting my standards.

    Happened today…went to pick up assigments to re-do, fix…whatever and realized there was nothing wrong with any of it in the first and had to have been sent out in error. Said screw it and went home to baseball games and beer. I “qiit’ for the day.

    Speaking of beer. Breckenridge Avalanche…yum. Amber stlye. Kinda like Sam Adams orig but not as hoppy I guess. Just a tad smoother or something. Went to get more and they were out (figures) so I tried some Santa Fe Brewing “Hefeweizen”…(on suggestion)…nasty, YUCK! Has some kind of spice thing happening I can’t quite tell what it is. $8.69 a sixer and I’ve just now decided to open a second bottle and see what’s up. I’ll probably go get some oranges in the morning and try and salvage the other four bottles. Oh…I think the stuff makes me fart. Honest. I’m guessing the wefeweizen means heavy wheat…or perhaps…”moldy wheat”. Cloudy but no sediment.

  31. says

    @T-Storm, if you staple your dick to a hobo, you understand that you will be stapled to that hobo and have to participate in his hobo activities? Those include the following:

    1) Panhandle in the hot sun or pouring rain on a daily basis only to make, at the most, 8 dollars.
    2) Go the nearest liquor store and purchase 2 or 3 King Cobras to get you through the night.
    3) After a long day of work, KC’s in hand, you will have to eat something before consuming the KC’s, so you will have to dig through several dumpsters outside of restaurants, and lucky for you, there is a pile of dumpster ravioli from a nearby Italian eatery.
    4) Once fed, drink the King Cobras.
    5) Return to your designated box/corner for a good night’s sleep to start your busy day of panhandling and drinking all over again.

    I would imagine this would be much more difficult if your manhood was stapled to the hobo…this might also cause the hobo to be severely confused and may try to bite you. Especially if he’s a crack head hobo. Crack head hobos are the worst.

    I need to stop drinking and go to bed…

  32. dto says

    I just looked up what this stuff is. Cloves!! The hell is up with that? Yep, oranges for sure. I don’t like this at all. Just when I was getting brave and expanding my beer horizions as far as area beers go…fucking cloves on my second attempt.. Crap

  33. dto says

    I’m starting to think the guy who recommended this stuff…is gay. Don’t really care but goddamn cloves in beer?! come on man. That’s just not right.

  34. Chuck in Belpre says

    Used to be a ‘beer’ called Hop’n Gator. Citrus flavored watery beer. Nasty stuff.

  35. says

    Coke is burpy, but Moxie is burpier. It’s kind of like carbonated Jagermeister.

    I lasted one day as a political lobbyist. I realized that the bosses weren’t at all concerned about the people they claimed to represent. It was a hard lesson to learn at age 22, but it really opened my eyes to the truth about politics. Frigging douchebags.

    I left there for a stint at Shoney’s, which lasted a mere 12 days. That career ended with me chasing a ‘patron’ into the parking lot and trying to bean him in the head with the 1 cent tip he’d left me…

    I probably shouldn’t work in the public sector at ALL.

    Laws broken this week: speeding, texting while driving, not using a bluetooth while driving, and encouraging insurrection in the workplace. The last one was not at MY workplace, so I shouldn’t really get into trouble for that one.

  36. dto says

    I’m about to break a law. It’s more an unwritten law and more or less a vow…an oath…a tradition upheld by all of the civilized world…but ya know what?…I’m going to pour out the last three “clove beer”. I tried adding the orange thing but the stuff still sucks. I found a sixer of Breckenridge some asshat hid to come back later and get. So…fuck him and fuck this beer and…YAY me!!

  37. jennifer says

    My hubby once had an employee for all of 3 1/2 days. Kid is a jackass, come’s into my home every morning before work and wont shut up. But he is also very evasive, has a kid but wont say where he lives, talkes about his girl but not clear if shes the baby mama or lives here and/or with him, and on it goes…. I am DONE with his mouth and attitude. Friday at 8 a.m. I pick up my son, announce i’m going to store and walk out, pass the other boys who work for my hubby on the way out and tell them the new guy goes or I will make him go. Figure it out. Today. My hubby gets home that night and reports that whilet hey were at lunch new kids announces to table that now that he has a real job he’s probably going to have to quit smoking week everyday. My hubby sets his food down, tells new kid to get inthe truck, takes him to his truck parked at ourt house and tells him don’t come back I’ll mail your pay check. New kid is SHOCKED that he is being let go?!? WTF?!? My hubby adds as he slams the truck door, and for the record my wife hates your guts. good times!