3 Questions to Get Us Through the Weekend

Toney and the older boy are out of town for a couple of days, and I’m “entertaining” the younger hooligan.

Later we’re going to play nine holes at a Par 3 golf course, then head to Five Guys for dinner.  Afterward, we might watch Cabin Boy, a movie that’s funny as hell, despite what the hipster herd animals will tell ya.

Tomorrow?  I don’t know yet.  I haven’t story-boarded it out.  But I’ll come up with something.  I’m very good at coming up with something.

The limited edition summer shirts will be ready for pickup tomorrow, after 3 pm.  So, I’ll be bringing the portable distribution center up from the basement again, and processing orders.  For some reason I like to watch the 1975 World Series during shirt frenzies, and that’s the plan this time, too.

It’s too late to buy the limited edition, but I still have plenty of the blue/gray Evil Twin shirts available.  And now would be a perfect time to buy one, since I’ll already be in the aforementioned frenzy.  Here’s yer link, in case you’re interested.

They’re great shirts, and that ain’t boolshit.

Also, I’ve had a few requests (it’s true) for an easy way to contribute to my beer fund on a recurring basis.  I finally figured out how to do it (I’m dumm), and added the PayPal link at the bottom of the page here.  It’ll charge your credit card each month, for the amount you specify, until you tell it to quit.

And I appreciate all your support, whether it comes in the form of shirt purchases, beer donations, Amazon loyalty, or just showing up here every day or two.  It’s all good, and I thank you guys, sincerely.

You know what’s a really kick-ass
and often-overlooked album?  The second release by The Clash, Give ‘Em Enough Rope. I’m blasting it now, and it’s pushing all the right buttons.  How come that record doesn’t get much love?

I just thought I’d mention it…

And I hate to cut this one short, but the Secret is waiting with highly-manipulative puppy dog eyes.  I’d better get this show on the road.

Since I probably won’t be able to update again until Monday, I’ll leave you with THREE questions to get us through the weekend.  Please don’t feel compelled to answer all of them.  But if you wanna, that’s cool.

Here we go:

It is my opinion that Coke (Coca-Cola, that is) is the burpiest thing on Earth.  Man, that stuff almost makes my esophagus turn inside-out.  Is there anything burpier?  Please tell us about it.

And what’s the shortest time you’ve ever worked at a job?

During a previous lifetime I accepted a ludicrous gig selling meat and seafood door to door, and lasted less than two weeks.  It sucked on so many levels…  And I ended up with a freezer full of onion rings, and no money!  Did I ever tell you that story?  Oh brother.

I’ve also worked at places where a new-hire stuck around until their first break, then disappeared forever.  So, if you have anything on short working tenures, use the comments link below.

And finally, how have you broken the law this week?  You know, going by the strict letter of the law…  I’ve done a lot of speeding, and also reading texts while driving.  I didn’t write any texts, but read a few.  Please don’t judge me.

Thanks for everything, and I’ll see you guys on the other side.

Have a great weekend!

Now playing in the bunker
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96 Responses to “3 Questions to Get Us Through the Weekend”

  1. First!?!

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  2. Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!

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  3. 1st??????!!!!!!!

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  4. I worked for a house painter for about four days. Then he realized he was training me just to lose me at the end of the summer. I wasn’t sorry to see that gig end. I still hate painting.

    Laws? hmm… well, I run a certain stop sign on campus after every class. It’s not dangerous, it’s an incredibly stupid place for a stop sign.

    My belchiest beverage is ginger ale, hands down.

    Good luck on the links.

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  5. Good afternoon to you too!

    This doesn’t answer any of the questions, but I found I have a mosquito bite about an hour ago, and now it itches like crazy. I obviously got it last night, and it didn’t itch at all then, or this morning.

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  6. Shortest job was 3 days of in house training for an “residential air purification system”. On day three the ass fuckers finally revealed the true product… Filter Queen vacuum cleaners…

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  7. Traffic Laws??!! I’m commuting for the first time in over 3 years. I’m breaking PHYSICS LAWS to get down that highway.

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  8. Shortest time for any job was essentially three hours. I had a lot of cooking/kitchen jobs in high school and college – this one was for a restaurant that was just opening. I went to a three-hour orientation on Sunday for the Monday opening – and that morning when driving to work totalled my car and was hurtled through the windshield to spend the next four days in the hospital. While I was in there, the bastards fired me.

    But the shortest time that I actually worked someplace was two days. Another cooking job. I started Monday, and quit mid-shift on Wednesday. This was at the shore late in the summer, where everybody was so desperate for help that you didn’t have to put up with any bullshit even as a semi-skilled worker. So I didn’t. Walked a couple of blocks down the street and was working elsewhere that same night.

    From the other side, in my adult career, I’ve twice hired temps who quit at lunchtime on their first day – left for lunch and never came back.

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  9. Top 10 again???

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  10. Shortest job for me… 6 hours… yeah, the job was billed as a customer service gig… turns out it was telemarketing… selling light bulbs, packaged by the blind or something… I think my call list was an old folks home, everyone I called sounded in their 70s or so… it was AWFUL…

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  11. Speeding, smuggling alcohol in from out of State, won’t be paying use tax on my Amazon purchases.

    Shortest job? 4 hours. Grocery store register when I was 15. 4 hours was more than enough, started at 8AM and quit at lunch.

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  12. Shortest job – 4 days in an office for some lighting fixture place. The phone company kept calling looking to get paid. NOT a good sign. Plus, the owner was a certifiable asshole with a temper. I can kick a cripple thinking about that fuck. Oh and naturally, the dickwad is out of business.

    I speed. yep, got the old lead foot syndrome.

    And I have to go with dogberryjr on the ginger ale being burpiest. But I love it anyway!

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  13. Diet Coke. That stuff is fizzier than the normal version.

    There IS a reason all those Mentos geyser stunts specified Diet Coke…

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  14. I worked at Astroworld in Houston for three months when I was 16, and it was the best job ever–it just ended when the summer did. All I did was look at cute girls and make change all day, and play free video games at night. Plus our manager was cool and let us off to go surf when a storm was out in the Gulf.

    Beer makes me burp.

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  15. 1. Cucumbers.
    2. I spent 1.5 hours as a pool bo, not the good kind.
    3. Laws have been broken, and that’s enough of that question.

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  16. The laws broken don’t necessarily have to be traffic violations. It can be anything, like illegal downloading or mass murder, or whatever.

    And another thing that used to make me burp: radishes. I don’t eat them anymore, but they have some potency.

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  17. And have fun golfing with the boy. Stand in his peripheral vision when he’s driving and you are sure to beat him. Placing your shadow in his putting line is also effective.

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  18. Jauncho- seriously how competetive do you have to be to try to beat your own child by these tactics?? Goodnesss gracious.

    laws broken…….yes. i will end it there. i am after all at work.

    cucmbers, radishes, beer, i think that might be it.

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  19. @ Madz1962: “I can kick a cripple thinking about that fuck.” Almost choked on my peach. HAHAHAHA!!!

    Cucumbers. Yuck. Make me burp for hours. I’m not that crazy about them anyway….and let me tell ya…they ain’t any better the second time around.

    Mexican food. Just had it last night from the best Mexican restaurant. I burp and taste that shit for hours but its worf it every now and then.

    Other than traffic laws…I have no patience and practice road rage on a daily basis….a little recreational drug participation. Is that bad?

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  20. Oh…forgot the job thing:

    I worked as a waitress at a truck stop near Indiana, PA. Never waitressed before. More trucker’s there than at a lot lizard convention. Struggled through 8 hours and the manager told me I had to work another shift as someone called off. Tough shit mofo.

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  21. That’s a shame. Poor Snoop Manny Mann, had to go blind before you got up and paid attention to your son.

    Diet Squirt is burpier. My diafragem starts kicking up air at the sight of that stuff. I don’t understand how I can start burping before the drink even gets to the bottom of my gullet.

    Coke doesn’t bother me that much. It does make my teeth feel thick and itchy.

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  22. One summer job I picked Roses – between the heat and the thorns, I left for lunch and didn’t go back. My arms looked like I tried to fuck a cat and lost. I called in to tell the HR person thanks but no and she said I was the first one to ever do that, most people just didn’t show up.

    The first professional job I bailed on was after 2.5 days. There were too many lies; too many things turned me off. My favorite was on day two. I was in my new office when a very nice lady came to my door and stopped in her tracks. My new boss yelled across the office that she (Sharon) was to go see him. They hadn’t told Sharon that she had been replaced. I told my new boss before I left that day that I was done and that I’ll stay either until I find something or they find someone new. I gave up at noon the next day – too much slime.

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  23. Can someone help me understand the BunkerCam photo?

    Penguins shoot feces 40 centimeters? That’s 15 and 3/4 inches for us Americans. Damn talk about an assblaster, that would be like my 6′ self blowing mud 4′. Stand back I gotta poop!

    One ten hour day de-tasseling corn, never showed up the next day and I don’t think I ever got paid. Funk dat.

    I break a lot of traffic laws.

    I smoke closer than ten foot from public entrances.

    Don’t pay sales tax on internet purchase.

    And if you would have asked this question last week, I ripped a tag off my mattress.

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  24. I’ll agree with Jeff as to Coca Cola being burpy.

    Shortest job: Spent one day as a poll worker during an election back in 2004. In case you were dying to know, yes, it really is as boring as it looks.

    Broken laws: Speeding, not coming to complete stop(s), reading texts while driving (but only while stopped at a light), and I guess indecent exposure if being naked from the waist up in a parked car on a deserted street counts. I’d have to say out of all laws I broke this week, that last one was my favorite.

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  25. The burp factor is one of the best things about Coke. Funny that ginger ale is so “burpy” since ginger is supposed to sooth your stomach. But I agree, it’s right up there.

    When I was little (really little) I downed a Coke and burped really loudly. Far too loudly for such a little kid (5?). My Uncle gave me the thumbs up but my stuck up bitchy aunt said “Little hot fuzz, what two words do we say when we are rude in public?” My uncle gave me another thumbs up when I said “ho geez”?

    I’ve broken my share of you Earth people’s laws but they don’t apply to my kind.

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  26. WB – Penguin Projectile Defecation is real and dangerous. On a behind the scenes tour at Sea World in Orlando we got to touch a penguin (that’s not a euphemism) and they gave us a lesson; made us practice in the air; and warned us of the danger signs associated with Penguin Projectile Defecation.

    4′? been there. smelt that. bought the Imodium.

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  27. Tilly. It’s character building for them!

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  28. I bet I could blast butt sauce 4 or 5 feet after a night of milk and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

    I don’t break laws. I am that asshat in the right lane traveling 50 MPH in a 50 zone. I know, I’m such a jerk. I actually go beyond not breaking laws and make it easier for cops to enforce them. I’ll buy my local police department a new piece of sparkle and shine equipment every year.

    I probably stopped breaking laws on the day it was legal for me to drink beer.

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  29. It isn’t illegal for the end user to rip off mattress tags.

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  30. @bikerchick – thanks! I wasn’t even trying to be funny. Have you ever been so enraged by someone that all civil, logical thoughts go right out of your head? He rendered that kind of raw, visceral hatred. As does one other person I know. Not only would I kick a cripple over this person, but gleefully pull the hand brake on a wheelchair at the tp of a very long hill.

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  31. I forged my wife’s name on a check and deposited the funds into my own account . Then I drove my pickup to the DMV on 3 month old expired tags only to write a check for a current registration.
    Can’t wait to get home & listen to the “Old Bat” !
    ;-)

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  32. Two hours into a four hour training at a Hardee’s Restaurant. Said “F… This!” and out the door.

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  33. Shortest job time I ever had Taco Bell when I was in highschool, I showed up for an hour, walked out and never went back.

    Laws I’ve broken this week: Texting while driving (but I do this on my lunch break, and I go onto vacant gravel country roads that nobody is ever on near my work, doesn’t make it ok, but makes it less hazardous I guess, I don’t text on expressways or busy streets), speeding, accidently blew a stop sign that was covered by a low hanging branch, I only caught a glimmer of white as I was flying through it, drank in a car as a passenger, also on country roads. That’s all that I know of.

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  34. Local computer consultant hired me as a programmer and then had me installing cash registers in a restaurant. Lasted one day. That was the shortest I think. When I worked for Expedia it wasn’t unusual to hear one of the CSR’s begin to speak loudly in tongues and then attempt to eat his/her headset after spending 90 minutes trying to get some idiot home from Bumphuq only to have said idiot hang up. I didn’t last long there. Couple months.

    I speed and have road rage. Nothing pisses me off more than to have some jackleg pull out in front of me and then go 10 under the limit. Usually all they had to do was wait for me to go by and there is no one behind me for half a mile.

    I’m a really honest person so I don’t break any really big laws…I don’t run guns to the Indians or anything. At this time.

    Miller on tap used to be the biggest belch producer.

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  35. I’m gonna need a goddam lawyer for “Internet Incrimanaton” if you keep asking these kind of questions.

    I don’t burp. I save my burps for farts. Farts are funnier for one thing…and burping is just rude!

    Quit the same job twice in one day once.

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  36. Shortest job less than 4 minutes – it was a handjob when I was about 14.

    I am sure I sure I pushed the envelop of the law related to slander in writing to Senator Warner last night when the A$$hat sent me an email touting the great laws he recently passsed.

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  37. 1. But in a good way, Indian (dot) food.

    2. I have fortunately lasted at least 90 days at most jobs.

    3. Right now, using bit torrent to download The Clash’s second album.

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  38. WB…Of your many crimes and misdemeanors, the mattress job seems by far the most heinous. IT SAYS RIGHT ON THE TAG “DO NOT REMOVE”. Better keep that side to the wall in case the POlice come on another matter. Hell, you have no way of knowing whether you’re the end user of that sleeping aid. It will probably go from your house to a flop house to an immigrant house to a shooting gallery. I can only observe that it would be ironic if the shooting gallery guys had to pay for your crime.

    Chuck…Someone in Belpre has been running guns to the Indians. Good to hear it isn’t you.

    For all the leadfoot Reporters. I don’t judge; I just get out of your way and hope for your safe arrival. But I worry as to whether you’ve computed the risk consequence. Remember: F=ma …It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law.

    Juancho…I agree with you about getting a good start on beating your kid. I notice that if I move my shadow very slightly, maybe 1/10th of an inch, that it turns a difficult 3-D problem into a difficult 4-D problem. And you can’t help it if you have to cough on his backswing. Tilly’s concern, whilst touching, simplly demonstrates the different roles of mothers and fathers during child rearing. Mom is nurturing; you’re getting the kid ready for all the dick employers denoted in today’s comments.

    Yvonne …No, come to think of it, I’ll let someone else ask.

    Shit, now I’m envisioning and lost my way…more later…

    jtb

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  39. I don’t drink sodas (haven’t for years), but remember Ginger Ale being burpy.

    Most jobs I’ve had for at least a month or two. I’m one of those “hang in there” types until it becomes way too unbearable.

    I know I’ve exceeded the speed limit this week – I do that all the time. Other than that, no laws broken that I can recall.

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  40. Diet coke and just about any kind of beer are the burpiest beverages . . . I don’t like to brag (actually, I’m a little embarrassed by it) but I can burp louder and longer than most teenage boys, especially when ingesting aforementioned drinks.

    Shortest job was a few months at a truck stop Arby’s when I was a teenager – I actually had a trucker tell me he “needed a wife that could work like that” while I was mopping the dining room, and I decided I could likely find employment elsewhere.

    As far as laws I’ve broken – I’ve read my share of texts/emails while driving, despite knowing what a terrible idea it is, but I almost never reply while the car is still in motion. I don’t speed much, haven’t partaken often of illegal substances, and almost never drive after too many pops. Christ, I just realized what a goody-two-shoes I am!

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  41. Shortest time at a job: Worked for HeartHanks Shopper, they send out something called the PennySaver out here in California not sure if they do any where else. It’s basically a newsletter full of coupons and people selling animals and old exercise equipment. I was the guy who slipped in the loose advertisements right next to the machine that actually put together the actual booklet. I lasted 1 and 1/2 days. I was the only one who spoke english and walked out at lunch time never to return, I didn’t know who the boss was so I just left.

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  42. My shortest job lasted 3 hours and 45 minutes. I was calling people to renew their TV guide subscriptions. It was a nightmare. I think I got 1 in the whole shift.

    Found out there was an opening at the job I left when I had my son and quit the same day.

    Laws Speeding, tail gating, passing on the right, reading texts while driving, non hands free cell phone use while driving [and smoking a cigarette and shifting]

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  43. Not burpiest, but heartburniest thing ever is Alleve.

    Shortest time at a job probably waiter at a shitty hotel restaurant for about 2 weeks.

    Laws?
    Since the legal limit is 0.08 I drive drunk pretty much daily.
    Fraud that I won’t go into because it’s a felony.

    I’ll read texts but rarely text while driving. That was easier with the old push button phone. And it’s not illegal here yet, but if you are at a stoplight is that breaking the law? I mean you’re an asshole, but if you aren’t moving what’s the harm?

    I think some of the stuff we say about each other on here could technically be slander.

    A few others that I choose not to mention as I don’t want to piss off the kharma gods or whatever.

    I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa – and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

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  44. The first swig of any flavored fountain drink makes me burp once, then im done. Never to burp again until the next new swig. Not out of the can or bottle, only a fountain. Like its some kind of crazy Tourettes tick

    I was a Mechanic at a Saturn dealership for about 2 1/2 months in 1997 . Thought they were pieces of shit. so i quit.

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  45. Shortest job ever…seven days. And I still cannot believe I lasted the week.

    Here is the setup: I worked for an elementary school, dealing with all 745 kids on a daily basis. School lets out for the summer. I go looking for summer work. I spot an ad for a “caregiver” to a couple of kids with behavioral issues, in this town of 65,000 people. I answer the ad. The advertiser responds immediately (should have been my FIRST clue). Wants me to come by her place for an interview. I go. The interview lasts three hours (one VERY lonely and messed up mom) and she trots the kids out. Of course, I know them from school. So, I think. I know them, they know me, we get along just fine., I can handle behavioral issues just fine, I did it all day at school, all year long…okay. (Let me explain here that the Mom told me I would be making $23.00 an hour). Yep, multiply that by 40 hours a week!

    Anyway, day one, I find that every single window in the house is now covered with anything you can find to cover windows with. Sheets, cardboard, newspaper, Nintendo boxes. I’m not kidding. (The house itself is an absolute pigsty. I will not go into details, it is too nasty). Mom then tells me to never answer the door…ever. She goes on to tell me about all the people that have come and gone through this position, and she has two older kids who break in every so often and steal from her due to their meth habit. Nice.

    She also tells me she has had run-ins with the town’s police force, neighbors, etc. and of course, has a lawsuit going on against each and every one of them.

    So. Days two through five, I am driving Mom (who does not have a car or a driver’s license) and her kids (ages 10 and 11, both boys) all over creation. Doctors appointments, dentist appointments, Sam’s Club (on MY membership card…she says she can’t find hers) waterparks, haircuts, you name it. For $23 bucks an hour, I am more than happy to oblige. Plus, Mom tells me I am also getting gas cards for used mileage! Sound to good to be true, yet? My Spidey Sense starts tingling…

    I find out on day six that the name she asks me to call her by, is NOT her real name. WTH? I mention in front of the kids that their Mom, L_______ is calling after I dropped her off at Bingo. (This day was a split shift). They both say, “Who is L______”? Okayyyyyy…Same thing happens with this guy she has living in her basement paying towards her rent/mortgage…He has no idea who L_______ is either. Have I mentioned yet that she called me hysterically and frantic, early, for the Bingo run, and I thought one of the kids had gotten hurt? The police were parked in front of her house. That’s it. She screamed that she would be “hiding out in her back alley…come get me”!!!

    Um. M’kay.

    Day seven, Mom is out with a friend and so my boyfriend and I take the kids to Applebee’s and then the video/game store, then home.

    I will not make this much longer with the details of why the younger boy chose to get enraged, (started with no one wanted to go on the trampoline after eating…)

    He chases his older brother in to the house with a giant tree limb. Older brother runs screaming, and locks himself in his room. I demand the branch, and get it thrown at me. Enraged kid grabs my new Droid phone, (!) because his Mom called right then to check on the boys. He then tries to run out of the house with my phone, when my boyfriend grabs him because his Mom is screaming not to let him out of the house.

    Boyfriend gets pushed and shoved by this kid, but manages to strongarm him in to his room, where Mom said to put him.

    Kid kicks the door down. Have I mentioned yet that this boy is 5’3″ and weighs 154? Oh. For those of you who remember, I stand 4’11″ and weigh 98 pounds.

    Mother is yelling for us to run to our cars and lock ourselves in. WTF???

    She arrives at home, begs me not to quit, and then goes on a tirade about how we did not listen to what she asked us to do. (When we did EXACTLY as she asked).

    We go home, after I tell her I will sleep on it. (Yeah, right.) Luckily, I turn my ringer off at night, because she calls me ELEVEN times. All through the night and early morning she is trying to ring me. I also have email messages from her. EVERYTHING is spelled incorrectly, and is rambling/not making any sense.

    I call the local police department, to see what I may have gotten myself into here. I give them her last name (not a common one, in these parts) and they give ME her first name. Great.

    The officer tells me how he knows that everyone needs a paycheck, but he wouldn’t step foot in that house, and how sometimes, the paycheck just isn’t worth it.

    That was enough for me.

    I called her back, (finally) and repeated to her what the officer told me to say (just like all the OTHERS that worked for her)…it is not working out, you and I will go our separate ways, and if you continue to make any contact with me, I will have to file a harassment order against you.

    I have not heard from her since.

    (Was I really making $23 an hour? Nope. Gas cards…? Never saw ‘em).

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  46. How about 4 days?. I took a job as a staff nurse when I graduated from nursing school. I knew almost immediately that the job wasn’t right for me when I was told that I could wear white or green, but not white AND green, because that looked “too modern.” And God knows that “modern” is the last thing you want in a hospital. The proverbial straw was being told that I was never, ever to give the doctors my opinion, because they were smarter than the nurses. And that, my friends, is why I only lasted 4 days at my first real job. Now I work at a large hospital where I give my opinions ofter (probably hourly) to the doctors.

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  47. Stephanie,
    My mom said to say she’s sorry and would you please come back?

    Just kidding, ha!

    Wait, this wasn’t in north or south carolina and the mom’s name was Nancy, was it?

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  48. icecycle66, at least you have the decency to be in the right lane while you’re doing 50 in a 50 zone. Seems like hardly anybody knows about this “keep right except to pass” thing.

    This week I am living in Charlottesville, Va. for work and walking to the job site, so the only law I’ve broken is crossing the street while the “don’t walk” sign is on.

    My only burpy-stuff is a) any sody pop and b) champagne. Beer is nature’s perfect food.

    My shortest job tenure was a couple of weeks at a telephone survey joint (“Hi, what do you think of Senator Kastenbaum?”). I quit as soon as I found a real job, which turned out to be not so real after all.
    .

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  49. WB,

    Sorry nobody tried to explain the bunkercam. You deserve an explanation, but my ineptitude in something as basic as low dimensional topology prevents me from helping.

    Just in summary, it is a well-known cartoon pair depicted after a topological transformation or two, with their essential “holeness” properties intact. With one of the Seven Bridges of Königsberg in the background.

    For more information (actually, any information at all) click the link if you have the balls.

    my best wishes as alwyas,

    jtb
    OB12

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Topology

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  50. Stephanie, just when I thought I had the winning worst job, YOU step up to the plate. Man, that is horrific!!!!
    My worst was right after I went from being a millionaire to being flat broke withing the span of a couple years. I worked for $10.00 an hour at a frozen seafood processing factory. We basically worked inside of a giant freezer, hacking up crabs, and on the bad day, orange roughy.
    Yeah, it was an odd cast of characters. I was one of the few who actually owned my own motor vehicle and drove to work. The rest were pretty much vagrants who either slept out back, or walked into work from the homeless shelter. At one of the daily smoke breaks, one of the guys was all aglow showing off the 3/4 of a cigarette he had found in the ditch on his way into work that morning! I still remember him saying. “I can’t believe someone would actually waste this much of a cigarette!”

    That was day one. Day two was spent cutting up frozen fillets of orange roughy. If you’ve never worked in a fish plant, visualize several hundred serfs in a sub freezing wharehouse, cutting up frozen fish with industrial band saws. Not an easy job, especially once hypthermia sets in.

    So anyway, on day two, we’re all freezing to death, cutting up fish, and getting yelled at by some crack addict who had worked there long enough to be graduated to “overseer.” The guy on my left was deftly running the aforementioned “orange roughy” through the bandsaw with black rubber gloves…when he shaves it it bit too close and runs his finger into the bandsaw blade!!!!!! Man, it went into the bone, and there was blood everywhere. The overseer came buy and tried to stop the bleeding, called an ambulance, and told the guy as he was leaving that they were going to deduct the cost of a new pair of gloves out of his paycheck!

    I waited til the next smoke break, then went up to the office and quit.

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  51. This probably ought to be against the law….or served at the concession stands at Jeff’s Poodle Park:

    http://www.asylum.com/2010/07/22/its-the-worlds-strongest-most-expensive-beer-inside-a-squi/

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  52. 3 – Isn’t that the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

    I’ve got Give ‘Em Enough Rope, London Calling and Black Market Clash on my playlist. Excellent stuff!

    I still have a 10″ of Black Market Clash tucked away in a closet. It should be worth something some day, right? RIGHT? Please say ‘right’! That’s my retirement!! That and the comic books!!!

    Later, y’all

    [Reply]

  53. Gretchen,

    “The End of History” seems wrong on so many levels, it’s almost imossible to respond. I don’t know a great deal about brewing, but a 110 proof beer seems impossible without serious cheating. Having accomplished that, one way or another, what kind of creative force would think the next logical step would be to cram the brew down the gullet of a deceased, medium-sized rodent?

    This might not be the end of history, but with the right eyes you can see it from here.

    jtb
    OB12

    [Reply]

  54. Burpiest??
    Shortest job 5 days carrying cement blocks up scafolding in below zero weather.
    Laws broken herbage and driving over the limit everyday.

    [Reply]

  55. Stephanie,

    Great story well told. Always nice to hear your digital voice. Next: Storyboard it as a proposal for a graphic novel and submit it to GN publishers.

    And for cripin’ out loud, comment more often. Your comments are always welcome and entertaining.

    best wishes,

    jtb
    OB12

    [Reply]

  56. @ Stephanie: Jesus H.!!! What a nightmare! Wonder what ever happened to those people. Dead? Jail? That’s a hell of a story!

    @ m: I’ve been working for doctor’s for the last 25 years. This is the last one. Never again for the very reason you mentioned. They take and take and take, but never give. Although I really like the doc I’m with now as he is talented and has a huge heart for his patients….but his wife runs the office…never again.

    [Reply]

  57. As a teenager I took a job picking apples after school at the local orchard (back in Mass.). Got thru one day, never went back. Oh wait, I did go back for my one day paycheck, which back then came out to less than ten dollars. The looong wooden ladder that I had to manuever between tree branches was a ball buster, and some dude was yelling at me about breaking tree branches.

    Every morning on my way to work I blow thru a particular stop sign on my motorcycle, usually doing about 25 mph. But in my defense, it’s a back road, rarely any traffic, and I can see for a long way in both directions before getting to the stop sign. And the road turns toward the direction I need to go (if it was a right turn I needed to make I would never be able to go thru it that fast). So it really doesn’t feel like I’m breaking a law, and actually I don’t understand why everone else doesn’t do the same thing. Most of these southerners are pussies behind the wheel.

    [Reply]

  58. In the early 90′s, I got a gig through a temp agency at an injection molding plant. I lasted about 3 hours. The monotony, noise, and smell were too much.

    [Reply]

  59. My shortest job was probably about an hour, but I don’t really know if it counts. I had worked for the company before, I was a field hand (bitch) in the oil fields of central Louisiana throughout my high school years. At some point I went back to the region for a short time and the owners offered me a job again, but this time I would be a supervisor, so I took the gig.

    For the entire first (and only) hour I was shoveling sediment out of the bottom of an oil battery. Now let met set this up for you. The oil battery is where crude oil, straight out of the ground, is stored for pick-up by the giant oil companies. After so much liquid oil goes through the battery sediment builds up in the bottom. It is exactly like tar and sand mixed together, however it smells like burning sulphur, stains skin, and makes people pass out. The entire tank thing is 25 feet tall and probably 15 feet in diameter. The hole to get in and out of the battery is a hole about 30 inches in diameter. It gets about 120 degrees or worse in the battery. There was about a foot of this sediment covering the entire floor of the tank. And I, as the supervisor, have to shovel all this crap out of the little hole because the company was too cheap to use the diesel pumps it already had to clean out the tank. All the while the people I am supervising DON’T EXIST. No one there to help, no one there to pull me out if I pass out, no communication, no human for 5 miles while I am in this oil battery breathing death. Fuck that.

    I disappeared and haven’t been back since. I didn’t stop in at the office. I didn’t say goodbye. I didn’t pick up my $5 for the hour I worked. I just left the tools on the ground and drove off into oblivion.

    [Reply]

  60. Does less than 0 minutes actually at a job count? I got a job starting the upcoming weekend at a local hall, friday I got told I don’t have the job anymore. Nepotism won out as I found out on sunday from the kid himself.
    (hey Alex, I didn’t see you at the hall on saturday, I thought we’d be working together. Beats me, they called on friday and said the job no longer existed What about you? Uhm, my dad told me friday I’m working tommorow at the hall….

    [Reply]

  61. Shortest job ever. Living in Columbus Ga, and answer a positive sounding add about making $10 bucks per hour, sounds ok. Go to meet, job seems to be at some backwoods hillbilly shop with Jesus stenciled on the wall. This job was walking around accosting(sp) people to buy items in the briefcase you carried around. omg. I am a little white girl in a very unwhite area of Georgia just trotting around(I had a partner). This lasted about one hour, on the last cruise I had them drop me at my house. Thank you, no. I will get shot on my own damn time.

    Dr Pepper makes me burp horrilbe. Coke is thick and slimey. yuck. not a big soda fan.

    I always speed. I am also a compulsive liar. I poked my ex hubby on facebook…also illegal. Don’t ask. :)

    [Reply]

  62. Hey Jeff…how’s my Limited Edition t-shirt look?

    and….I’ve spent six hundred bucks at the Amazon link since Feb. Music, DVDs and….a Black and Decker electric lawn mower. ($189)… and I don’t even really have a “lawn”. Music and DVDs and some books was the rest.

    I was actually going to go get a job today just to quit. Was going to up the ante on time but less than 0 is hard to beat. How about if I walk out the door…turn around and go back in and quit looking for a job? Does that count?

    [Reply]

  63. Crap…I double posted in my own paragraph.

    [Reply]

  64. @CaseyJ…The same thing happened to me. The guys who were training me pretty much kidnapped me, so we stopped at Burger King for lunch and I hid in the bathroom until one of my friends came and picked me up. It was humiliating.

    [Reply]

  65. Stephanie…Wow. That’s all I have to say is wow.

    [Reply]

  66. Just read Stephanie’s post and it kind of makes my paper round story sound utterly feeble. So I think I’ll give it a miss!

    I agree with Jeff though, The Clash are a fantastic band. Bank Robber is awsome to sing along to when drunk.

    [Reply]

  67. Yeah, Stepanie’s story brought up a painful memory of a job ad I answered once. This lady ran a children’s party business and I would be one of the “characters”. Think Barney, Mickey Mouse, clowns, etc. My job, (had it lasted longer than 2 hours) would have been to dress up in mascot-like suits and entertain at kids birthday parties, etc. Well, the “interview” was at her house and she was really insistant that I try on the all the costumes and that I’d probably be more comfortable in my underwear. (just the first of many red flags) Being Southern, I’m polite to a fault, so when she started trying to help me remove my shirt, I said, “Will you excuse me for just a moment?” and I bolted for the door. Thinking back on it, she was probably just a lonely “cougar’ looking for action with a naive, early 20 something guy, but at the time, I thought she was just a freak who wanted to have sex with a guy in a Barney costume. Too weird…

    Oh yeah, Coke is very burpy.

    [Reply]

  68. just think how much semen is inside that barney costume.

    [Reply]

  69. I’da fucked her.

    [Reply]

  70. Barney suit and all…when do you a chance? At that age I had my standards but hey…I’da dressed up like Captain Kangaroo!

    [Reply]

  71. Barney gets a beejer. Hah!

    Damn…the asphalt in front of my house has all run down the storm sewer. I now live on a dirt road. It’s so damn hot I saw Satan at Home Depot buying a Fedders.

    [Reply]

  72. Rob, Thanks for sharing that. Considering the average male fantasy (maid / nurse etc.) is pretty well established by now, I always wondered what it was that got women going. Now that I know it’s bloody Barney, it just re-enforces my belief that we will never, ever, ever understand the female of the species.

    [Reply]

  73. Chuck, do you go to the Sternwheel Festival in Marietta?
    I generally go every year. Good times.

    [Reply]

  74. t-storm,
    It has been a few years since I have gone to the Sternwheel Festival. I do enjoy Bluesfest though.

    [Reply]

  75. The only adult type job I ever bailed on was working at a fabric store. The anal ahole who hired me was on vacation the 1st week I worked there….it was a lovely week…no problems, got along fine with all the other employees and the asst. manager.
    1 hr. into week 2 on Monday after he returned, he calls me into his office. He doesn’t like my footwear. The only thing in the ‘rule’ book said no sneakers but he was prick with a napoleon complex who loved to jerk chains for his amusement.
    I was a newly graduated college student with limited funds…these were not sneakers but they were the only non-sneaker shoes I had. He sent me home to change shoes, thinking he could intimidate me.
    So I left and didn’t go back.
    Instead I called the corporate HQ in TX and followed up with a letter threatening them with a sexual harrassment suit among other things. I got a real nice apology along with an offer of a similar job in a different store in the next town over.
    Not that I would EVER work those those ass clowns again….
    Fairly shortly the whole chain of fabric stores went under…I like to think that I had someone to do with bringing them down….. ;-)

    [Reply]

  76. I’ve always been amazed by the “power” that certain managers think they have over employees. Like a Taco Bell manager who takes his job way too seriously.

    I want to start applying for these jobs just for the stories.

    I imagine it’s a lot like 40 yr old virgin. Did you notice there was nobody under 30 at that store, except for maybe seth rogen.

    And later tonight I’m going to staple my dick to a monkey.

    [Reply]

  77. When I refreshed the screen to see if there were any new reporter updates, I only saw the last line of the comment without seeing who was the author “And later tonight I’m going to staple my dick to a monkey”….

    My immediate thought was “t-storm”. :)

    And then I went to see the comment you posted on the last report and I see you have a theme going. nicely done

    [Reply]

  78. dto – when you said I’da fucked her – did you mean this Ida?

    http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/gallery/ida-ljungqvist-nude-pic/

    because then i’da watched.

    [Reply]

  79. Knew a girl named…Ida Dunham.

    [Reply]

  80. @ t-storm: My God, Man…you don’t mean…*gulp*…Nancy as in “Nostrils” do you??? (Didn’t they live in one of them thar Carolinas?)

    @ clintcurtis: Your story is no less horrifying…crackheads, hypothermia, AND fish? Egads…I don’t know which is worse…

    @ jtb: Thank you as always, for your kind words!

    @ bikerchick: I figured my post was getting too long winded…But…I eventually ended up calling child services about the family, because it turned out that “Mom” (L_____) was also turning in paystubs for P_____, which just happened to be HER “real” (?) name. Fraud, on top of everything else…Oh, and she had all of these random doctors diagnosing the kids with anything and everything so she could get more money from the state. The younger boy had issues, this, we know. The older boy (who mom had a doctor report had an IQ of 68) would have conversations with me about why women in comics wear such “provocative” costumes. Um. Yeah. Other than the translucents, what 10 year-old uses that word correctly in a sentence? Jeff would say a douchekeeter, I know.

    @ Brittney: Thanks for the sympathy…I still get all creeped out just thinking about it.

    @ mark0510: Everyone here has a work-related horror story that is indeed horrible. It’s just that some are more horrible than others!

    @ Rob: Um. Was this “cougar” at least a wee bit attractive? If not, I would have put one of the costume heads on HER, and done the deed.

    [Reply]

  81. Oh yeah, nancy, nostrils, some poor innocent translucents, and one shit drizzling dog that has bit everyone, including Andy (Peanut Butter McGee).

    Later oon tonight I’m going to staple my dick to a hobo.

    [Reply]

  82. Chuck,
    My mom told me that Riverfront Roar had a beer (bier) garden. Sternwheel won’t do it, claiming to be a family event. F that. My family drinks. Also I remember walking down there with my dad as a kid and he had a cooler full of Busch.
    And how is an event “dry” when there are 10 bars within stumbling distance. Including the shithole that is the four diseases, or the bigger shithole across the river in williamstown.

    [Reply]

  83. You ever done this?

    It’s a lazy Summer afternoon and you are all alone on the couch with the earbuds jammed deep into the listening canals. Singing along. No one around so you might as well let it all out. You know your voice isn’t fit for others but it’s just you. Right?
    Between songs you hear someone pounding on the front door. Oh, brother…wonder how long they have been out there? So you open the door and your heart just sinks. Turns out it’s that red-headed Australian landscaper you’ve had designs on (see what I did there?) for at least three months. And you’ve got it bad. You’ve gone so far as to have her trim all your boxwood hedges into Looney Tunes characters just so you could watch that tight little ass as she bends over to put the finishing touches on Tweety. You ask her all sorts of silly questions just to hear her speak in that Down-Under accent…the one that makes your little pal twitch like a Hula dancer on hot sand.
    But the jig is up…and you just know you are stuck with five thousand dollars of goofy topiary with nothing to show for it.
    There is no chance you are ever going to get a taste of that sweet muffin because she just caught you singing along to Sister Hazel and there is no recovering from that humiliation.
    You ever done that?

    [Reply]

  84. The only acceptable sisters are Sister Christian and Twisted Sister.

    Later tonight I’m going to staple my dick to a handsome cab.

    [Reply]

  85. that one made me laugh out loud. at least it isn’t an ugly cab. Ha!!1

    [Reply]

  86. Mmmm. Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA.

    [Reply]

  87. I worked at a job once where a new hire quit after 7 minutes. It was in a factory doing sheet metal fabrication……. Guy showed him how to load some parts into a welding machine, then push a buttond, and bang, clang, buzzzzzzzzzz. The machine spits out a finished (smoking red hot) part. Dude looked at the smokin’ mass of red hot steel, and said,
    “Fuck this. I’m going back to hangin’ drywall.”

    Wotta pussy.

    [Reply]

  88. Random comments working backwards.
    Hanging sheetrock ain’t no picnic. Can’t imagine how stoned he must have been.
    Mmmm…Bells two heart pale ale.
    Ida Powell would sell us beer (schaeffer light) at 14, wouldn’t have fucked her with dto’s dick.
    I won’t be stapling my member to anything.
    JTB-Thanks.
    Reds are back in first, suck it haters. Oh and thanks for the help cubbies!

    [Reply]

  89. Thanks WB in OH for protecting my standards.

    Happened today…went to pick up assigments to re-do, fix…whatever and realized there was nothing wrong with any of it in the first and had to have been sent out in error. Said screw it and went home to baseball games and beer. I “qiit’ for the day.

    Speaking of beer. Breckenridge Avalanche…yum. Amber stlye. Kinda like Sam Adams orig but not as hoppy I guess. Just a tad smoother or something. Went to get more and they were out (figures) so I tried some Santa Fe Brewing “Hefeweizen”…(on suggestion)…nasty, YUCK! Has some kind of spice thing happening I can’t quite tell what it is. $8.69 a sixer and I’ve just now decided to open a second bottle and see what’s up. I’ll probably go get some oranges in the morning and try and salvage the other four bottles. Oh…I think the stuff makes me fart. Honest. I’m guessing the wefeweizen means heavy wheat…or perhaps…”moldy wheat”. Cloudy but no sediment.

    [Reply]

  90. @T-Storm, if you staple your dick to a hobo, you understand that you will be stapled to that hobo and have to participate in his hobo activities? Those include the following:

    1) Panhandle in the hot sun or pouring rain on a daily basis only to make, at the most, 8 dollars.
    2) Go the nearest liquor store and purchase 2 or 3 King Cobras to get you through the night.
    3) After a long day of work, KC’s in hand, you will have to eat something before consuming the KC’s, so you will have to dig through several dumpsters outside of restaurants, and lucky for you, there is a pile of dumpster ravioli from a nearby Italian eatery.
    4) Once fed, drink the King Cobras.
    5) Return to your designated box/corner for a good night’s sleep to start your busy day of panhandling and drinking all over again.

    I would imagine this would be much more difficult if your manhood was stapled to the hobo…this might also cause the hobo to be severely confused and may try to bite you. Especially if he’s a crack head hobo. Crack head hobos are the worst.

    I need to stop drinking and go to bed…

    [Reply]

  91. I just looked up what this stuff is. Cloves!! The hell is up with that? Yep, oranges for sure. I don’t like this at all. Just when I was getting brave and expanding my beer horizions as far as area beers go…fucking cloves on my second attempt.. Crap

    [Reply]

  92. I’m starting to think the guy who recommended this stuff…is gay. Don’t really care but goddamn cloves in beer?! come on man. That’s just not right.

    [Reply]

  93. Used to be a ‘beer’ called Hop’n Gator. Citrus flavored watery beer. Nasty stuff.

    [Reply]

  94. Coke is burpy, but Moxie is burpier. It’s kind of like carbonated Jagermeister.

    I lasted one day as a political lobbyist. I realized that the bosses weren’t at all concerned about the people they claimed to represent. It was a hard lesson to learn at age 22, but it really opened my eyes to the truth about politics. Frigging douchebags.

    I left there for a stint at Shoney’s, which lasted a mere 12 days. That career ended with me chasing a ‘patron’ into the parking lot and trying to bean him in the head with the 1 cent tip he’d left me…

    I probably shouldn’t work in the public sector at ALL.

    Laws broken this week: speeding, texting while driving, not using a bluetooth while driving, and encouraging insurrection in the workplace. The last one was not at MY workplace, so I shouldn’t really get into trouble for that one.

    [Reply]

  95. I’m about to break a law. It’s more an unwritten law and more or less a vow…an oath…a tradition upheld by all of the civilized world…but ya know what?…I’m going to pour out the last three “clove beer”. I tried adding the orange thing but the stuff still sucks. I found a sixer of Breckenridge some asshat hid to come back later and get. So…fuck him and fuck this beer and…YAY me!!

    [Reply]

  96. My hubby once had an employee for all of 3 1/2 days. Kid is a jackass, come’s into my home every morning before work and wont shut up. But he is also very evasive, has a kid but wont say where he lives, talkes about his girl but not clear if shes the baby mama or lives here and/or with him, and on it goes…. I am DONE with his mouth and attitude. Friday at 8 a.m. I pick up my son, announce i’m going to store and walk out, pass the other boys who work for my hubby on the way out and tell them the new guy goes or I will make him go. Figure it out. Today. My hubby gets home that night and reports that whilet hey were at lunch new kids announces to table that now that he has a real job he’s probably going to have to quit smoking week everyday. My hubby sets his food down, tells new kid to get inthe truck, takes him to his truck parked at ourt house and tells him don’t come back I’ll mail your pay check. New kid is SHOCKED that he is being let go?!? WTF?!? My hubby adds as he slams the truck door, and for the record my wife hates your guts. good times!

    [Reply]

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Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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