On Saturday Toney and I were walking through JCPenney, and they were BLASTING high-energy dance Christmas music. Is it some kind of jokey “Christmas in July” promotion, I presume? Please tell me they’re not genuinely starting with that shit already? It can’t be, right? And why all the terrible 12 year old girl music everywhere? Christmas, or otherwise? It sounds like it was created in a laboratory. Do actual human adults listen to that stuff? Seriously? Even Johnny Bravo would be appalled. I looked around the store and saw mostly middle aged feet-shufflers with moderate to severe obesity. Not exactly the target audience for a seizure-triggering version of Oh Holy Night. Am I wrong? It looked like more of a Mr. Mister crowd to me. Mr. Mister at half the volume, and maybe slowed down a bit. It might be a little too edgy in its undiluted form. Ya know? Sweet sainted mother of Luis Tiant!
Speaking of JCP, I have their app on my phone and it makes me feel a little weird. I don’t think it’s manly. If I’m ever in a car accident, and the EMTs discover my dark secret, I’ll be mortified. However… I get some great deals through that thing. On Saturday, for instance, they sent me a $10 off anything coupon. No minimum purchase, just ten bucks like cash. That’s pretty sweet. They sometimes let you stack your electronic coupons, too. Not always, but sometimes. Yesterday I got a nice shirt for work, and the final price was $4.99. Wonder if there’s a way to camouflage my shameful apps, by making them seem to be about beer or auto parts or something? Maybe switch out the JCP icon with a fake one that’s just a drawing of a hamburger? That would do the trick. And if something like that doesn’t exist, then maybe I should invent it myself? Yeah… I barely have the energy to turn my head to the left and look at the clock on the wall.
And speaking of beer, I had a few on Saturday night. It was a one-year dry spell. I’d been considering a return for a few weeks, and pulled the trigger on Saturday. I was going to start back with Stone IPA, but they didn’t have any cold six-packs. So, I went with Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA. The crazy thing? There are lots of craft beers I don’t even recognize now. You take one year off, and it’s like a whole different world out there. They still have Pabst, though. And the Golden Elixir. So, I’m not completely adrift in a parallel universe.
I quit because I needed a re-set. I did it once before, years ago. Drinking wasn’t causing me any real problems, I just felt like it was threatening to become too much. So, Toney and I had a few on Saturday night, and probably won’t have any more until next Saturday night. I’m now completely addicted to reading in the evenings, and am not about to give that up. It’s a pleasing alternative void-filler that’s really ramped-up during the past year or so. So stay tuned. And pass the beer nuts.
Last night I was downstairs talking with the younger hooligan. The older boy was in his room blasting some kind of godawful “music,” possibly Primus. And Toney was in our bedroom doing something or other. And somebody opened our front door… Andy, our super-old border collie with the horrendous breath of Satan, began barking and apparently scared the person away. The screen door slammed real hard, and Andy was so worked up he was about to start turning flips in the hallway. What in the hell??
There have been a lot of break-ins in our neighborhood, which is something we’ve never had to even contemplate before. People literally leave their doors unlocked in this place. Cops in our little town probably had the same level of stress as a program director at a classic rock radio station (“Yeah, just keep playing the same shit we’ve been playing since 1978… I’m going to Cracker Barrel.”).
So, it’s a little unnerving. It was daylight, and there were two cars in the driveway. Music was blasting, and there were clearly people at home. Maybe it was just a kid? Who knows? But I don’t care for it. I think 25% of the population is now hooked on pain pills, and desperate. What the hell is going on??
Have you ever been burglarized, or anything similar? Please tell us about it, won’t you?
A few days ago they were serving shrimp for dinner in our cafeteria at work. So, needless to say, I went to McDonald’s. I don’t eat grub worms of the sea. And the girl there, who looked like she was 14 years old, asked if I’d like coffee with my burger and fries. Coffee! That was a slap across my face, so deeply offensive I’m thinking about hiring a lawyer. I mean, she might as well have put the word “Pops” at the end of her question, right? All of it translates to “I think you’re really, really old, like something out of Jurassic Park.” Yes, and it plunged me into a state of sadness and anger that lasted for upwards of 47 minutes. I have not yet reached an age where I drink coffee with every goddamn meal, thank you very much. I’m still deeply entrenched in the cold beverages after noon routine, I’m proud to report.
Have you ever gotten any cashier judgment? I think I’d rather have my TV stolen by a junkie. Sheesh.
And finally, what did they call unfashionable sneakers or tennis shoes at your school? At Dunbar Elementary they were known as K-Mart dobies, or simply dobies. But I have a feeling there are plenty of variations on that same theme. Please bring us up to date on it.
And I’m going to go now. It’s late.
You guys have yourselves a wonderful day.
See you again soon!