Toney and the boys are home today, still benefiting from the big super-sized Thanksgiving holiday, so this one’s going to be a challenge.
As I type, Toney is talking to the orthodontist’s office on the phone, the younger Secret is watching Elf in the living room, and the older boy is blasting “Humpty Bump” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers at window-rattling volume and playing bass guitar along with it. Over and over and over again. Oh, and I’m “listening” to Let’s Active in the bunker.
So, it feels like I’m writing inside a Best Buy store, halfway between the home theater department and car stereos. Sweet sainted mother of Bonnie Franklin!
Our Thanksgiving wasn’t bad, it wasn’t bad at all. We went to Toney’s cousin’s house in Philadelphia, and there weren’t nearly as many people as I’d feared. We went to a cookout at their house during the summer, and it was wall-to-wall bombastic know-it-alls with annoying accents. But on Thursday it was a smaller, much more tolerable crew. Maybe a dozen people, including the four of us?
They had a traditional holiday spread, and everything was really good. Especially the turkey, and the post-eating clinic pie extravaganza. I never tire of a good pie extravaganza.
Before dinner I played Wii bowling for the first time in my life, and bowled a 179 right out of the gate. I had no previous Wii experience whatsoever, but I can see the appeal. It was a lot of fun, despite the slightly humiliating requirement of engaging in “air bowling” in front of an audience. The first few times I felt like a gigantic doucheketeer, but quickly got over it.
During dinner there was an unknown man sitting to Toney’s right, who never stopped talking to us. I mean, it was just continuous. He told at least three hundred mini-stories, most of which didn’t correspond in the least to what we’d been talking about one minute prior.
For instance… Toney made some passing comment about her job, and the dude launched into a completely unrelated tale about the time his car broke down on his fortieth birthday, while he was driving to a “gentleman’s club.”
The car just sputtered out and he couldn’t get it restarted. So he called “the three A’s,” and they towed the vehicle to a garage. A mechanic looked it over, and found nothing wrong. The car started on the first attempt, and he never had another problem with it.
It was his dead mother, he’s convinced, who derailed his plan to visit a “gentleman’s club,” from heaven. She never would’ve approved of such a thing, and intervened from the Great Beyond.
Yes, and this was in reaction to Toney saying she doesn’t have to return to work until Tuesday. What the? Plus, who calls it “the three A’s?” I almost sucked a full yeast roll down the pipe.
But he seemed like a nice enough guy — just a little kooky around the edges. In fact, the whole day was fairly pleasant, if you can believe it. Yeah, I’m as shocked as you are.
This one’s a little abbreviated, but I’m gonna stop right here. The noise! I can’t take the noise. It feels like the translucents are here, and one of them got mud on his “short pants.” But I did update on Sunday, so don’t miss that super-rare weekend update.
I’ll leave you now with a Question that popped into my head on so-called Black Friday. I somehow found myself in a Yankee Candle store, repeatedly inserting my nose into jars of perfumed wax, and giving my opinion of each scent. “Hmm… not bad,” I found myself muttering, before realizing what was happening and shrieking with horror.
So, I’d like to know what specialty stores you absolutely hate. Not big super-stores like Wal-Mart or Target, but smaller more focused places.
Yankee Candle makes me sad in my soul, and so does Party City. Toney understands the former, but doesn’t get the latter, at all. I can’t explain it either, but Party City is a horrible, horrible place. I literally get depressed when I walk in there, which is kinda weird for a place with “party” in the name.
I can’t tolerate those places that sell natural body wash, and that sort of thing, either. Good god, I’m tensing-up just thinking about it.
So, tell us what stores make your sphincter turn to concrete. Use the comments link below.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Have a great day, my friends!