On Saturday I was forced, I mean privileged to attend a banquet at a local country club. Once again I’m being purposely vague, for reasons I’m also being vague about. Let’s just say it has something to do with an organization Toney is involved with.
I knew about this shindig well in advance, and my stomach wringed itself out every time I thought about it. I hate getting dressed-up and pretending to be a sophisticate. I also don’t care for chit-chatting with strangers and near-strangers over tiny food; I was born without the gene required for such things.
But I got myself all trussed-up in dress clothes, and supported my wife. She puts up with much ridiculousness from me, God knows it’s true, and I want to be there for her. You know, in the abstract — when it’s way off in the future.
It makes my brain meltdown a little, but Toney will become the president of this organization when the current president’s reign ends in a few weeks. So, she knows everybody and was working the room. Immediately, I felt like Todd Palin, standing in the shadows with a charley-horse smile on my face.
While my wife amassed power (she’ll probably be mayor soon), I looked around for a familiar face, maybe someone I could suffer alongside. And I spotted a guy I’d spoken with at a recent beer-tasting event. He’d seemed OK, so I walked over to him.
And he was complaining because the cash bar wasn’t open yet. I hadn’t had time to notice, but now that he mentioned it, it bothered me as well. Then we did some bonding via tales of beer snobbery, and made an empty promise to get the wives together and all four of us attend this year’s beer festival at Split Rock resort.
Once that conversation ran its course, I surveyed the room and saw Toney shaking someone’s hand and laughing hysterically. Sweet Jesus. I walked over to a window, trying to act all casual and at-ease, and looked out across a lake for about ten minutes.
Then the bowtied bartender made it official by putting out the tip jar, and there was a stampede of uncomfortable and desperate men in dress clothes. While waiting my turn I looked around, and could recognize a look in most of the eyes surrounding me: please hand me a glass of alcohol, I will pay any price…
Yeah, that helped a little, but not enough. It turned out to be four hours of fake smiles, awkward chats, trough-style eating, and long speeches through an amplification device.
I can only imagine what the next two years are going to be like, as the “first man.” My sphincter is flickering, just thinking about it. I might have to contact Sunshine, to see if she can hook me up with some of her “antibiotics.”
I’m very upset, my friends. One of the five-year light bulbs in our kitchen burned-out on Sunday. There are three of them inside recessed lighting above the counters, and the #3 position shit the bed a mere sixteen months after being installed!
I’m thinking about hiring that lawyer on CNN who wears fringe cowboy jackets, and filing a multi-million dollar lawsuit.
I will not be jerked-around by Big Bulb! Especially the green division, for crying out loud!!
I’ll leave you now with something from the Stealing Clive Bull‘s Topics desk. On Sunday’s show, Clive asked his listeners to call in and tell him what brands they’re loyal to. What companies, in your estimation, do a superior job, and cause you to make a special effort to seek out their products?
I know I’ll probably get criticized for this one, but I’m a big fan of Dell computers. Unless something goes terribly askew, I will be sticking with them, thank you very much.
When it comes to ketchup, it’s gotta be Heinz. I’ve been using Crest toothpaste all my life, and am a little frightened of other brands. And I believe I’ve become a bit of a Toyota enthusiast…
What about you? What brands are you especially fond of?
I’ll have more of this stuff tomorrow.
See ya then.