This is by no means comprehensive. I’ll undoubtedly think of stuff I should’ve included, for the next several days. But there’s always Volume 2, right? Maybe. We’ll have to see how this one goes… In any case, I didn’t include any quotes from myself, only things other people have said that stuck with me through the years. I remember most of them because they’re funny. But sometimes it’s because they’re disturbing and creepy, or occasionally infuriating. Oh, prepare yourself to be changed, my friends. I’m about to drop an overwhelming load o’ wisdom on yer asses. Let’s get to it, shall we?
- “Don’t lean up again’ the wall, Kay! What’s the matter with you?! Do something!” -my Little League coach during practices, multiple times
- “You think that’s funny, Kay? It’s not funny! You’re sick!!” -one of my Junior High teachers, immediately after he told us about a horrific accident… in what I thought was a very funny way
- “And he’s about two hoe-handles across the ass…” -my dad describing somebody (can’t remember), using an unusual unit of measure
- “That’s the worst music I’ve ever heard in my life.” -my dad, as he walked past my bedroom, many times
- “I was taking a shit in there! What kind of person interrupts another man’s shit??” -a weird and menacing customer on my paper route, while I was attempting to collect his payment
- “Tastes like cold biscuits.” -my friend Tim after he took his first (and possibly last) drink of beer
- “If I’d been stranded in the Saraha Desert, with nothing but saltine crackers, I couldn’t drink as much water as you guys drink beer.” -also Tim
- “We do not mean to Hastle you but law Require that all ID be Check” -sign hanging in a beer store we frequented, which was run by Arabs, or perhaps Persians
- “Tits! Look at the tits!!” -a whole gang of us loaded in my parents’ station wagon, arriving at the drive-in while a softcore porn movie played on the screen
- “And you know what that F stands for, don’t you?” -one of my super-classy high school teachers, after I asked her about the grade she’d issued me
- “She’s so ugly she could scare varnish off a door.” -my friend Vincent, talking about a classmate (can’t remember) during high school
- “Look at you two drunk sons a bitches!” -my friend Billy’s dad, after we returned home from a night of socializing
- “I’d like to lay that wide open.” -disgusting old perv co-worker ogling a cashier at Fas-Chek, a grocery store where I worked during high school and beyond
- “Oh man, I’d love to beat off in her hair.” -disgusting young perv co-worker ogling another cashier at Fas-Chek
- “Oh right! Like you’ve never farted.” -Vincent to two old lady customers who were reacting to him loudly blasting-ass within four feet of them, at Fas-Chek
- “I saw The Who once. But it was a long time ago when they still called themselves The Guess Who.” -idiot co-worker at the Dunbar Exxon
- “Motherfucker can’t shit if he ain’t got no ass!” -idiot co-worker at Food Lion grocery store in Greensboro, NC, while discussing a photo of a legless man with other idiot co-workers
- “Why are you laughing like that? I could’ve been seriously injured.” -some girl (can’t remember) during one of the worst dates of my life, in Atlanta, after she’d told me a story that was flat-out hilarious
- “Oooooh, I think he wearin’ something!” -elderly black nurse hours after our oldest son was born, and after he’d ruined his first diaper
- “Thanks for nothing, bitch!” -drunken female co-worker, after asking a woman for a light at the Christmas party, not knowing that the woman was the CEO’s wife
Like I say, this is nowhere near comprehensive. I could easily come up with a hundred of these little gems if you gave me a few days. But now I’d like to turn it over to you guys. In the comments section please share some memorable quotes from your own life, in the same format. Thanks in advance!
And I need to get ready for work now. Ugh. It’s painful, boys and girls, mighty painful.
Have a great day!
I’ll see you again on Thursday.