15 Simple Ways to Distinguish Yourself During a Job Interview

interview waiting room

  • Immediately before your appointment take a few moments to eat a sleeve of Oreo cookies. Be sure not to wipe your mouth or lick your teeth before the interview begins.
  • Throughout the interview suddenly shout, “Say again?!” at random times. This is especially effective when nobody is talking.
  • Whenever possible reach across the table and gently stroke the interviewer’s hand while he or she is speaking.
  • Wear a fanny pack full of boiled eggs, and eat a few during the conversation. Be sure to offer the hiring managers each an egg, and don’t be afraid to be persistent. If you don’t like boiled eggs, corn on the cob can be substituted.
  • Answer each question in a different fake accent.
  • Early in the process, demand to know if Amazon, Overstock and Zappos are blocked on company computers.
  • After the interviewer invites you to have a seat, whip your head toward him and say, “Don’t tell me what to do. I hate when people tell me what to do.”
  • Arrive wearing a conservative business suit, and a full Indian headdress. Offer no explanations.
  • Whenever the interviewer is speaking, quietly but persistently smack your lips.
  • If you’re a smoker don’t be shy about lighting one up during the interview. It will make you seem more human, and genuine. This can also be achieved by using a lot of profanity.
  • Ask about the company’s policy on employees shouting racial slurs in the workplace. Appear disappointed and worried about her response.
  • Somehow insert a complaint about your overbearing mother into each of your answers.
  • Two or three times during the interview, after you’ve been asked a question, sniff and say, “Is that the best you got?”
  • When you’re asked why you want to leave your current position, sigh and say, “Do you know how exhausting it is to work for idiots?”
  • At the end of the interview you’ll be asked if you have any questions. Don’t take the bait! Instead, seize the opportunity and deliver a concise (no more than ten minutes) monologue about the Arab/Israeli conflict, abortion, or some other political topic you feel passionately about.

So, there you have it. Please use the comments section below to offer your own tips on how to stand out from the crowd during a job interview. Good luck, and happy job hunting!

Comments

  1. Stephanie C says

    Another title for this post could be, “How to get a job at Verizon Wireless”…(since they will hire ANYONE as long as they are breathing. And, yes, especially the mouth breathers.)

  2. Bill in WV says

    Men-stick several rolled up socks inside the fly of your slacks.

    Women-wear a clown-sized amount of lipstick and a gigantic hairdo.

  3. madz1962 says

    If it’s a corporate setting jump up, snatch your resume from the interviewer’s hand and yell “Fuck this team player shit!”

    Alphabetically list all of your phobias.

    Tell them an hour lunch break won’t cut it on Friday’s since your favorite bar is 30 minutes away.

    Repeatedly ask how many sick and personal days you get while using your fingers to calculate these extra bonus days off.

    Scratch your ass and crotch a lot. Squirm in your seat for added effect. Sniff your fingers after.

    Snap gum.

    Whip your phone out, put up that one finger “wait a moment” gesture and laugh out loud over silly texts and facebook notices.

  4. Jorge says

    Complement a knick-knack on the interviewers desk. Ask if you can have it. Sulk and pout if they say no.

  5. Jorge says

    Pretend you’re the Bill Murray character Carl the groundskeeper in Caddy Shack. Stay in character for the entire interview.

  6. Jorge says

    Return to the office daily after your interview to ask if they’ve made their decision yet.

  7. Jorge says

    Highlight your fax sending skills. Insist they allow you to demonstrate your faxing profeciency. When they relent, start shouting voice commands at any piece of office equipment that is not a fax machine. After several minutes give up and show your disappointment in their lack of technology

  8. says

    Ask to trade cloths with the interviewer . Explain that you are supposed to dress for the job you want, and that you want their job.

    Ask them how much each of their stocks are worth. Try to pay in pennies during the interview.

    Sip the interviewers coffee as though it were your own.

    Answer each question with a question. Preferably one about the interviewers family.

    Shave your arms during the interview.

    Sit on the floor. Insist that you are not yet worthy in the eyes of the company to be allowed to use furniture.

    Empty your colostomy bag into whatever potted plants are in the room.

    Ask the interviewer about his bald spot.

    Scratch the inside of your nose until it bleeds. Ignore any reference to the blood.

    Continually make known the fact that you know the owner of the company, never use the right name for the owner and use a different name each time.

    Ask if you have to clock in and out for bath room breaks, because there will be a lot of them.

    Bring a copy of your resume. Everything behind the coversheet should pertain to giraffes.

    Hand the interviewer quart jars of stool, semen, blood, and urine as examples of your work ethic.

    Relate every answer you provide to the summer you worked at the vet office jacking of livestock for insemination.

  9. ob-negative says

    Wear a monocle.

    Bring a bubble pipe.

    Ask if there’s any wiggle room in the dress code.

    Cup your hands behind your ears and squint up your face like Gilbert Gottfried.

    Act natural but focus on their left ear through the entire interview. From the time you walk in until your final handshake.

  10. Buck Naked says

    Periodically look to see if anyone is behind you. Pay particular attention to the floor area just behind your chair.

    Ask if diving the dumpster can be added to your contract as a perk.

  11. says

    “I have a question for YOU. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?”

    Bring in a bucket of Gatorade and dump it on your own head, thereby letting them know that you’re a winner.

    Listen to your iPod during the interview to prove that you can multitask.

    Challenge them to arm wrestle.

    Have a folded one dollar bill in your palm and pass it to them as you shake hands, wink repeatedly.

    Ask if they can pay in cash because “the bitch” is hounding you for child support.

  12. Toby says

    Use your middle finger to point out the highlights of your resume. Also use said finger to pick your nose. Don’t forget to insist on a firm handshake while while using that exact same finger to tickle their palm. On your way out, proclaim victory telling the rest of the interviewees to just go home now.

  13. johnthebasket says

    Answer all questions in one of two ways.

    If the question can be at all construed to be suggestive (e.g., John, will you be able to handle the pressure of this job?) just answer, “That’s what she said.”

    If the question can’t be construed to be suggestive, decline to answer based on your fifth amendment rights, but mangle a couple of the words like gangsters used to when testifying before congress…

    “John, have you ever had a conflict with a colleague in a work environment?”

    “I respeckfully decline to answer based on my fifth amendment rights against self-incineration.”

    jtb

  14. says

    Distribute copies of Catcher in the Rye to all the interviewers, but make sure to collect them before you leave.

    Ask them all how their mothers are doing.

    Wear your WVSR shirt to the interview and make a comment about the site after answering each question. Also preface every answer with, “Well, Jeff Kay says…”

    • cardmagik says

      Brilliant! In addition have a “What would Jeff do?” tattoo inscribed on your head

      • cardmagik says

        Forehead – of course if you went with your penis head and showed that off, it would be impressive. Unless it was really small writing.

  15. says

    At some point during the interview get up and stare out the window, continue talking. Then turn around to reveal that you’ve pissed all over yourself. Return to your chair.

  16. johnthebasket says

    Enquire as to whether the company has a “three strikes” policy regarding Mann Act violations.