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10 Things You Might Not Know About the Late Porn Star John Holmes

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  • Whenever John Holmes became aroused, lights in the building would momentarily dim, then return to normal. Sometimes small appliances would also stop working. It was believed his enormous penis would tap into whatever energy source was handy, and absorb it during the powering-up process.
  • During his teenage years Holmes was almost fired from a job at Dairy Queen, because the manager believed he’d caught him smuggling a sleeve of Mister Misty cups inside his pants. When he proved his innocence by revealing the source of the bulge, the manager began weeping, so Holmes just left.
  • In 1959 John Holmes appeared as an audience member on a notable episode of American Bandstand. Details are sketchy, but several people were hurt while Danny and the Juniors performed “At the Hop.” There was a mysterious noise off-camera, which sounded like fabric ripping, followed by shrieks of panic. The show was presented live, and ambulance drivers could be seen in the background carrying teenagers out on stretchers, while Dick Clark pretended nothing unusual was happening. It is unclear if Holmes was involved or affected.
  • At the height of his popularity, John Holmes had an assistant named Lincoln. And while Abraham Lincoln was serving in the U.S. House of Representatives, he had an assistant named Benjamin “My god, look at the size of that cock!” Cartwright.
  • John Holmes was a scratch golfer, but only when his “moneymaker” was situated to the left. If he forgot, and left it suctioned to the opposite thigh, his balance was thrown off and he played like a beginner. This is said to be the origin of the popular golfing taunt “playing like your dick’s to the right.”
  • Although Holmes was an undisputed porn superstar, many behind-the-scene types didn’t like working with him. In fact, cameramen often demanded time-and-a-half to work a John Holmes shoot, because his penis played havoc with their cameras’ auto-focus feature. “The lens would just whirr and whine, struggling to locate the center of gravity,” one complained, years later.
  • John Holmes was an avid bowler, and used a ball with just one big hole drilled in it.
  • As a young man John Holmes was considered a scientific genius. His teachers were convinced he would someday change the world. They pushed him toward medicine, and cancer research, with great optimism and hope. He seemed to be another Einstein – a true once-every-hundred-years miracle. But he listened to their overtures, and said, “Science? Are you kidding?? Have you seen the size of my wiener?!”
  • In 1973 FBI agents thwarted an assassination attempt on John Holmes’ penis. They arrested a South Carolina man, bent on taking out the famous phallus because of jealousy. “I didn’t want to hurt John,” he later explained, “I just wanted to kill his cock.” He testified at trial that he’d earned the nickname “Tater Tot” during Junior High gym, and harbored a burning resentment.
  • At the time of his death, John Holmes was fully-engorged. He asked to be cremated, but, under the circumstances, wouldn’t fit through the furnace door. So, at considerable cost, his family had a custom bubble-top casket built, and he was buried in a small cemetery in Van Nuys, California. Almost from the beginning, locals have spoken of strange happenings near Holmes’ grave. Enormous penises erupting from the soil… teenage lovebirds being chased by levitating dicks… wispy mustaches appearing where none had been before…

I hope you’ve enjoyed this celebration of a great man. If you’re aware of other lesser-known facts about John Holmes, please share them in the comments section below.

And I’ll see you guys again next time!

Now playing in the bunker
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Comments

  3. I always thought Johnny Wad looked bored when he was “working”. Now Ron “hedgehog” Jeremy, he never looked bored. Sweaty, but never bored.

        • I’m stuck in Salt Lake City in a truck stop until midnight Monday morn. It’s shaping up to be a nice night to take a long walk…off a short pier.

          • If I were you, I’d visit some of the many strip joints.

            .
            Oh, Mama, can this really be the end?
            To be stuck inside of Mobile
            With the Memphis blues again.

            .
            John

            • Can’t go west
              Can’t go east
              I’m stuck in Indianapolis with a fuel pump that’s deceased.

  5. John Holmes used to have long and drawn out arguments with his penis when he disagreed with it’s point of view on various topics. This adversely affected his work in the later years of his career.

    Also, John preferred ketchup with his french fries; however, his penis did not.

  6. When John Holmes grew up in Ashville, Ohio, the local farmers’ co-op used his penis to grade corn on the cob for both length and girth.

  7. Towards the end of his life, John Holmes and his penis would have increasingly harsh disagreements over money. Late one night, after a day filled with vicious arguments, Holmes was startled awake by his penis attempting to murder him in his sleep.

  8. Too bad you can’t have him (like Fred Astaire), er, dancing to sell a product–in this case, some bullshit dick grower like the one Ron Jeremy used to shill for ExtenZe, I think. Wait! No one steal my idea! Patent Pending! Patent Pending!

  10. You’re right about the lights dimming thing. In 1977 John Holmes was in New york City standing in front of Macy’s watching a window dresser undress a mannequin. John aquired an erection and quite possibly caused the New York City balckout.

  11. John Holmes wanted to be a writer. director and great thespian of the stage. For his drama class in high school he penned the play, “That’s About the Size of It”. He spent the summer doing re-writes under his drama teacher Sandra Doome, before withdrawing his script to seek out others input.

  12. John Holmes loved and studied the classics. He penned a play that was a mixture of, “A Mid-Summer’s Night Dream”, “Romeo and Juliette” and “As You Like It”. It was a mad-cap romp titled, “Shake My Spear”.

  13. In John’s later years as his popularity started to soften, he was often seen sitting on a bench outside the Griffith Observatory eating bag after bag of pork rinds and sucking on ketchup packets while staring up at the massive telescope point skyward muttering, “You’ll see…you’ll see someday. You’ll see…you’ll see someday’, over and over.

  14. If Mr. Holmes wanted to travel internationally, he had to make elaborate arrangements in advance. Due to the limitations of the inertial navigation systems in common use aboard airliners and ships at the time, a mass like that of his penis could cause serious errors over the course of a transatlantic journey, with potentially life-threatening consequences.
    .

  15. Going back to Jeff’s update…William F. Buckley Jr. on the Dick Cavette show in 1970 told this exact same story. I could be wrong. I never had any idea what that man was talking about but always pretended like it did. I liked his style and because I liked him it made me look smart.

  16. John and I tried to take a shower together…but unfortunately there wasn’t room for all three of us.

  17. Stay safe, everyone. What with the big storm and all. Those not in the eastern US may disregard.
    .

  18. John Holmes died of Aids. His penis got married, had two two kids and was killed in an auto accident 10 years later.

  19. Corn silos seen along the highway in rural states were 1/4 scale replicas of John Holmes’ dick. His dick was so big it had its own area and zip code.

    • John Holmes’ dick started a war against Iraq on false pretenses. The appendage claimed that there were other dicks in the area that had weapons of mass destruction. Then JH’s dick laughed and realized that it was the only and real weapon of mass destruction anywhere everywhere. It toppled the government anyway laughing all the while. John Holmes’ dick bore a striking resemblance to Alfred E. Newman back then. Funny story.

  20. As a youth, John was the envy of all his friends. You see, John had an indestructable whiffle ball bat at his disposal, whereas the other kids had to actually buy theirs at the five and dime store. It was a magical bat, that helped him carry a lifetime .348 batting average, with 417 home runs and 1,502 RBI’s.

  22. It wasn’t widely publicized, but in 1982 John Holmes’ penis was named California Attorney of the Year.

    • In fact, said appendage gave him that rarest of abilities: the capability to literally go fuck himself.
      .

  23. Today John Holmes penis would be just another penis. Shane Diesel, Wesley Pipes, and Lexington Steel to name a few. But Holmes did ste the bar pretty danm high and it took years to reach it.

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