-- Nancy and the gang stayed at a motel. Since Sunshine & Mumbles were piled-up in the family room, there wasn't enough space for five more people and a flesh-ripping dog. And somehow Toney worked it so Eninen and their brood slept elsewhere...
After they checked-in everybody but Nossy made a beeline for our house. Nostrils was "sick," and needed a nap. He's always sick or exhausted or
melancholy, or something that can apparently be remedied only by sleeping in the daytime. Wotta douche.
It was really hot and humid that day, so the air conditioners were roarin' 'n' rattlin'. The translucents had been wedged inside a ridiculous car for hours, and were all jacked-up on soy energy. Nancy acted like she'd been doing cocaine (perhaps she –
gasp! – fully caffeinated at a Starbucks?), and it sounded like a hundred people were talking at once.
Every other response seemed to be, "What?" or "Huh?" or "Say again?" and I was already destroying my molars in a fit of nervous-grindage.
I looked at the clock and it told me it was too early to start drinking. But when I saw Nancy chasing the middle transparent through the house with what looked like a full sweet potato speared on a fork, I proclaimed all normal rules TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED.
I went down to the basement fridge, to get Toney and myself a Yuengling, and realized Nancy-on-Crank was right at my heels. The hell, man? What was the matter with this crazy woman? She was acting like Mrs. Howell, after she got into the radioactive beets.
Toney and I made an attempt to wipe-out our microbrew supply, before Eninen arrived, but left two bottles of something fancy on the shelf. And Nancy scooped-up those bastards in a single continuous motion. She had the cap off one before we got to the top of the stairs, and it
wasn't a twist-off.
We sat around the dining room table and hollered conversation at each other, and Nancy told me she felt like "such a Canadian" when she crossed the border earlier that day. She said Canadians get excited when they come to the
States, because they can shop at Target "and stores like that."
I didn't know how to respond to such a statement.
And it didn't take long before we realized Nancy was preparing to change the plan, once again. Sunshine and Mumbles' cross-country trip had been discussed-to-death, for months on end, and there was finally an agreed-upon itinerary.
But Nancy was obviously laying the groundwork for further changes. Our first clue? We overheard her telling Sunshine it's generally hotter and more humid in Ottawa, than in Atlanta (ha!). Which, of course, panicked Sunny…
Eventually Nancy admitted she'd prefer Sunshine & Mumbles' Canada visit be shortened by about a week (they were supposed to be up there for twelve days), so Eninen could go to a beach in North Carolina a little earlier. Someone
foolishly offered to turn over a house to those nutcases(!), while the owners travel outside the country, and
they were itching to get the destruction started.
This touched-off an argument, and Sunshine had a flare-up of her illness. She had to top-off her "antibiotics," and reconnect to one of her lung-inflators. But, in this case, I have to agree with ol' Sunny; that's some boolshit, right there.
Plus… it would mean S&M would be at our house for three straight weeks!
During the argument Nancy said something along the lines of, "I'm just telling you what I'd prefer, and I refuse to be a woman afraid to speak her mind!" Can you believe it? She was trying to turn selfishness into a righteous stand for the sisterhood.
But she eventually backed-down and, as of this writing, Sunshine & Mumbles are scheduled to be at Nancy's house until the weekend of July 12. Obviously, this could change and change again. And, in fact, it probably will.
After an abbreviated sulking-period, Nancy rejoined the "party."
She asked if Friday is my tired day, because she's obsessed with the unusual hours I work. I've told her, countless times, the hours don't bother me. But she doesn't believe it. Maybe it's because she's married to Nostrildamus, who'd have to be hospitalized after every four-day week?
I don't know. But it's starting to piss me off, this harping on my schedule, and the insinuation that I'm a delicate flower. I said, through Dirty Harry clenched teeth, "I don't have tired days, I'm
too busy to be tired." And she just looked at me, like,
"Ho-ly shit. What's this guy's problem?"
My tired day. Ha!
The translucents wanted to play with our PlayStation, and the Secrets were not amused. Those transparent kids rarely see a television, and have absolutely no clue about video games. A year or so ago we let them play with it, and the oldest suddenly let loose with a blood-curdling scream, yanked the controller like he was fly fishing, and pulled the entire box off the shelf.
So, our kids were whisper-protesting, big-time. But we sort of forced them into allowing it. And before long the oldest translucent
had a Lego Star Wars character running in place against a wall, for upwards of ten minutes,
just laughing his ass of. And this is a kid Nancy believes is a genius...
The Secrets were just rolling their eyes, and shaking their heads in disgust.
We ordered six large pizzas for dinner, from a really good shop near our house. Nancy said she'd swing by the hotel, pick up Nostrils, and fetch the wheels o' grease. Sounded good to us, it would allow us to drink even more, and we handed her our portion of the tab.
And she was gone for far too long. In fact, she was gone approximately the length of time it would take to go back to the hotel,
tie Nostrils to a bed and stimulate him with scarves, then pick up the pizzas. Every conscious adult in the house knew what they were doing… Because they do it whenever they have ten free
minutes alone.
But Sunshine was unconscious, still recovering from the argument-fueled flare-up, and suddenly jerked awake. She wanted to know where Nancy was, and Toney told her.
"Did you remember to order my meatballs?" she said, sounding like Foster Brooks.
"Shit!" Toney said.
"Ooooooh great! Now I don't even get my meatballs??"
Sunshine is supposedly on a gluten-free diet, and can't eat pizza. So Toney called the restaurant, and they said they were far too busy to be changing orders.
Muttering under her breath, she grabbed her purse and stormed out the door. She'd just go there in person, and buy meatballs face-to-face. That would be much preferred to an evening of Sunshine the Victim, stoic, silent, and strong against the myriad injustices she's forced to endure.
And Sunny began bellowing: "Don't goooo Toney! It's not that important!! Oh, I'm ruining everything! I should've just kept my mouth shut. …Get six!"
Toney, Nancy, and Nostrils returned at roughly the same time, and Nossy was walking around on his tip-toes, like he had something breakable in his ass. He was "sick," and barely said a word to anyone. Whatever.
But he'd clearly been stricken with a type of illness that doesn't hinder appetite. Because he ate like a bastard. I walked through the kitchen at one point, and Nossy was buried to the waist in our refrigerator. He excavated what was left of the salad I'd made the night before, and got down to business.
And someday I'd like to sneak a digital recorder into one of his eating-clinics, but have a feeling many of you would accuse me of doctoring the tape. It's unbelievable. It's just pronounced and sustained smacking and slurping and sucking…
I looked over at him on Friday, and he had ranch dressing all around his lips, an inch wide in every direction. And he holds everything up so it's level with his smack-factory, and just
moves it in with his fork.
It's fucking disgusting, and all three translucents eat exactly the same way. Nancy, to her credit, eats like she was raised by humans, not by
barnyard animals.
After dinner the see-thrus wanted to watch something on the Big Ass Television, and Toney turned it on for them. Under normal circumstances I would've been nervous about this turn of events, but was pretty much drunk by then.
A few minutes later Nossy came upstairs and asked if it would be alright if they changed the channel(?), because there was some sort of "teen angst program on Nickelodeon," which was upsetting the Soy Boys.
TF? I went down there, and they were watching iCarly. Yeah, man, that's
dark. I told 'em to do what they want, I'm getting another beer…
I went back upstairs and Sunshine & Mumbles were seated at the dining room table. And
he was eating meatballs, and she was folding pizza slices in half and wedging them into her mouth. I asked them about it, and Sunny said the meatballs were far too spicy for her.
After Toney had raced across town to accommodate her special request, Sunshine was now eating what everybody else had for dinner – stuff just loaded with gluten (whatever that is). Incredible.
We had some ridiculous "birthday" celebration for the oldest translucent, consisting of cake, ice cream, novelty hats, and drunken singing. While Toney and Nancy were serving the dessert, the "birthday" boy punched his brother in the neck and they had a brawl on the dining room floor. Good times.
Once we finished with that stupidity, I pulled one of the Secrets aside. "Where'd you put those fireworks?" I asked. And I didn't have to say another word, he took off up the stairs. Heh. This was going to be good…
But they all cowered inside. All but the youngest see-thru, who thought it was great, refused to go out in the yard with us. In fact, Nostrils lowered the blinds in the living room, so the oldest kid wouldn't catch a glimpse and have an
episode.
Wotta rip-off! But there was one small consolation: all the smoke went directly, as if drawn by a magnet, into Half-Shirt's living room window. I don't know why that always happens, but I sure do enjoy it.
It was a disappointment, but the fireworks did seem to convince Eninen it was time to go back to the motel. So, they started the thirty minute
process of finding their shoes and putting them on.
After they finally left, Sunshine hollered, "Did you see that?! Oh God, tell me one of you saw it!!"
What the? Nobody knew what she was talking about, and she told us Nostrils' "wiener" had been hanging out of his shorts. The fly was gapped-open, she reported, and his junk escaped – right there in our living room.
"And it was one of those weird pointed kinds…" she yelled. "Very pink and smooth!"
She just kept going on and on with it, and I was buckled over in laughter. Pointed? Smooth? Oh God, this was excellent.
"Was it a big one?" Mumbles yelled, finally broaching the obvious question nobody wanted to be responsible for asking.
"No, it was little," Sunshine said. "Is there something around here I can use to show you?" And the next thing I know she and Toney are digging through our refrigerator, looking for something with which to mimic Nossy's organ.
I had tears streaming down my face.
"We have cheese sticks," Toney said. "Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad," Sunny answered.
And then she came into the living room with an eight-pack of Nathan's hotdogs in her hand. "It was almost this exact same color," she said. "But it came to a point, like a pencil."
I thought I might have to hook myself up to one of the lung-blowers…
Then Sunshine proceeded to demonstrate how much Nossy had hangin'. Which, according to her, wasn't much. She choked-up on one of the hotdogs, leaving only about three inches, and gave us a recreation of the event.
My stomach muscles still ached the next morning, from all the laughing. And with all the beer in my belly that night, it's a wonder I didn't vomit. That shit was hilarious.
Good ol' Grandma.
And I hate to end the day with a negative, but this will probably be the last update for a
while; there's a very good chance the bunker will be going dark until Monday. I have some non-website things that need tending-to...
Just to bring you up to date… Sunshine & Mumbles went to Canada with Eninen on Sunday. They're supposed to remain there until July 11 or 12, when they'll be returning to the Compound. And this time they'll have Nossy's older kids with them, whom I've never met.
Nancy and the Gang will only be staying in town for one night, then will continue on to North Carolina. S&M will stay with us for a week or so, and join the rest of them at the beach.
Got that? If not, it's OK. Because it'll change fifteen times before it actually happens.
On Monday I'll get back into the regular stuff, which is starting to pile-up. I have some great Smoking Fish pics, and all sorts of other things.
