-- On Thursday Toney mentioned she
was going to Sam's Club the next morning, to buy weekend supplies.
Nancy and the gang would be arriving on Friday, and we were planning a
big cookout extravaganza for Saturday.
I told her I wanted to go with her, because I wasn't getting trapped
with ol' Internal Bleeding again; no way, no how…
So she got me up early, and I began the process of eeeeasing into the
day. I had a few cups of Eight O'Clock bean coffee, scanned the doom
and gloom in the newspaper, and heard not even a peep from the family
room, where S&M were bedded-down.
While I was enjoying Cup Three, Toney said I'd better get in the
shower. I'd pressed my luck long enough, she predicted, and if
Sunshine or Mumbles got in there first, we wouldn't be able to leave
until noon. Those two can flat-out dominate a shitter…
And I barely made it. Toney said I wasn't in there for more than two
minutes, before Sunny huffed and puffed her way to the door, to find
it locked.
"Oh no!" she bellowed.
"What's the matter?" Toney asked.
"Somebody's in the bathroom!"
"Jeff's in there. The one upstairs is empty."
"All the way upstairs?! Why would he do this?"
"What do you mean? You were asleep, and he's taking a
shower."
"Nobody understands how sick I am..."
Our first stop, as requested by your humble correspondent, was Waffle
House. I was starving my fool ass-off, and wanted to order every
breakfast item they serve. Fearing overkill, I opted instead for a ham
and cheese omelet, sausage, hash browns with cheese, toast, and sweet
tea. It was almost enough to fill the void…
The Secrets were with us, and as we were driving past one of those
temporary July 4 fireworks tents, Toney suggested we buy "about
twenty dollars worth," for the benefit of the translucents.
"They'll shit," I said. "I know," Toney answered
with a mischievous look in her eye. And the boys were shrieking with
excited, enthusiastic, see-thru-tormenting laughter.
We made a vow to buy fireworks at either Sam's or Target. And I
wondered what would happen if somebody drove past one of those
roadside tents and hurled a lit dishrag out their window, right into
the middle of the operation. I'd sure like to see it happen...
We went to Sam's, and Toney started doing actual shopping while the
rest of us monkeyed around. The Secrets played Rock Band on an
enormous television, with a kid who had no shoestrings, and I looked
at books and CDs and DVDs.
I wanted to buy the Mudcrutch CD. But Sam's didn't have it, and I left
there empty-handed and unsatisfied.
We headed toward Target and Wal-Mart, and when we went past Panera
Bread we saw Sunshine and Mumbles' van parked by the front door, in
one of the handicapped spots. I pictured Sunny in there wearing a Bob
Dylan harmonica holder around her neck, except with a pastry attached to
it.
"Muuuumbles, will you adjust my scone rack so it's closer to my
moooouth?"
We went to Target and bought a twenty-dollar flat of Grade C
explosives, with which to terrify transparent children. And they
wanted $14.99 for Mudcrutch, causing me to holler in protest. Ain't no
way, in this world or the next…
They'd completely renovated Wal-Mart since the last time I was there.
I do my best to avoid that horrible, horrible place. But I thought
they might have my CD obsession for a good price, and wanted to look
at their shorts (or as Nancy calls them short pants), since I'd blown
out all but one pair at home.
They didn't have Mudcrutch either (WTF??), but I picked up the new My Morning Jacket
for something like $8.72. I also bought a pair of
shorts, probably manufactured in Sri Lanka, for $5. I wore them the
next day, and liked 'em so much I went back and bought a second pair.
Toney wanted to get some garlicked-up dips for our deck extravaganza,
but was having trouble finding the right items. Wegman's didn't even
come through for her… She said she had to get something, or else
Nancy would break the seal on one of her stank-ass dip containers.
"Where does she even buy that nasty stuff?" Toney wondered.
But, of course, everybody knows the answer to that question: at the
grossery store.
Then we visited a strawberry farm, where you can pick your own
strawberries for something like $1.39 per pound, or buy them in their
store for $4.29 per pound. Toney asked if I was interested in picking
a few pounds, and I laughed out loud. I mean, seriously.
So we bought a basket of the pre-picked, and headed home. One of the
Secrets asked if Sunshine likes strawberries, and Toney said,
"She'd probably like them better if they came in a pill
form."
S&M were back at our house, with several new prescriptions in tow
(because of the bleeding), and Sunny was flying high. She was hooked
up to a portable lung-blower, and her skin was the color of old
newspapers. She looked shockingly unhealthy, and was acting like
something out of the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.
She'd brought so much medical apparatus with her, there was literally
nowhere to plug-in a lamp…
She and Toney were supposed to go pick up a birthday cake for one of
the translucents, even though his birthday is in August.
This was something Sunshine cooked-up; she wanted to celebrate the
kid's birthday while everyone was around, despite the fact it was
nearly two months in advance. Toney thought the whole thing was
retarded, but went along with it to keep the peace.
So they left, and it was just me, the Secrets, and Mumbles. The boys
were complaining about being hungry, and I realized I was too. I
thought about making healthy sandwiches, and maybe cutting up some
fresh fruit to go along with them, but Burger King sounded better.
I did an informal poll, and it was unanimous.
And while we were driving, Mumbles' cell phone rang. He opened it, and
began fumbling around with the thing. Next thing I know he has it
upside-down, with the back pressed to his ear. And it was set to
speaker-phone…
I swear it's true. The incoming side of the conversation was much
clearer than the outgoing. It was some guy in Nevada, calling about an
apartment S&M had looked at. And the dude's voice was booming in
my car.
At Burger King Mumbles ordered a double cheeseburger, a small fry, and
a medium Coke. Then he went and sat down. "Well, I guess I'm
paying?" I said to the cashier, who shrugged his shoulders like
he didn't give a shit one way or the other.
While we were eating my phone rang, and I managed to somehow get the right
part next to my ear, without the amplifier engaged. It was Toney, and
she was ranting. Apparently she and Sunshine had gotten into an
argument, because Toney refused to park in a handicapped space. She
offered to drop Sunny off at the front door instead, and nobody
questions The Matriarch.
Then, when they got home, Toney found an entire bottle of
semi-expensive shampoo dumped onto the floor of the downstairs shower
stall. Someone had used it, and put it back into the wire rack upside
down, with the lid open. I mean, what the hell??
And, just an hour or so later Nancy and the gang arrived in their
hilarious beep
beep wind-up car.
