-- Sunshine & Mumbles arrived at our house Wednesday evening, after I'd already gone to work. It took them almost eight days(!) to drive from Reno to Scranton. Toney's mother called as they were exiting the interstate, about two miles from our house, and Toney said, "OK, we'll expect you in
an hour."
Turns out they were obsessed with gas mileage, and set their cruise control to exactly 58 mph at all times. Wonder how many dual rotating middle fingers they received as they crossed the continent at the approximate speed of a mall walker? Hundreds? Maybe thousands? They'd never know, of course: Sunny's passed-out most of the time, and Mumbles is oblivious.
Toney cooked dinner, and Sunshine reportedly videotaped the Secrets playing Guitar Hero for hours on end. I bet that will be engrossing footage...
I got off work an hour earlier than usual, went home and fired up my Domino's Pizza box laptop computer. As it was shucking and jiving and going through its start-up crapola, I snuck down to the basement and retrieved four cans of the golden elixir, careful not to wake S&M who were sleeping in the fambly room nearby.
I poured one of the beers into a pub glass, and put the remaining three in the upstairs fridge. And when I returned to my laptop, it was nowhere near connected to the internet. It's a piece of shit. I had about fifty pages left to read in a
Dean Koontz novel, so I went upstairs and grabbed it. I sat and read and sipped Yuengling, as my computer clicked and clacked on the dining room table.
A full forty-five minutes after I turned it on, the thing finally connected. And I was losing my mind. I'm not known for
patience under the best of circumstances, and that turdbox makes me absolutely crazy. Forty-five minutes!
The next morning my alarm went off at 10:15, as usual, and when I went downstairs Sunshine and Mumbles were also just getting up. The difference: I'd worked until 1:45 am, and didn't get to sleep until about 4:00, while they'd gone to bed at, oh, 9:30.
Sunshine was drinking coffee from a mug that had been packed away in our basement for years. I bought it at a dollar store, a long time ago, and it has a picture of a John Deere tractor on the side. It's been out of rotation, and boxed-up, for six or seven years, I'd guess. How'd she find it?! What was she doing nosing around in our basement?
And Mumbles was using my prized London mug, and not being very gentle with it. I tried to put it out of my mind, and just hope for the best... I'm happy to report that everything worked out OK.
I sat down and Sunny was already cranked-up about Barack Obama. And you've never heard such
wild conspiracy theory kookery, in all your life…
I don't like the guy either, but for COMPLETELY different reasons than Sunshine's. I
make political decisions based on ideology, and that sort of thing.
While Sunshine prefers to take the Weekly World News/Art Bell Show approach, with just
a dash of Ku Klux Klan.
Toney and the boys got roped into bouncing from store to store with
Sunny (her favorite hobby), and Mumbles went to the car wash and gas station. I took a shower, and proceeded to order a new laptop from Dell.
We'd received a catalog in the mail a few days earlier, and I spent a lot of time with it. After far too much consideration, I had it narrowed down to one particular machine. Toney originally said "no way," and that turned into "if you think it's a good idea, go ahead," which put all the pressure on me. I didn't much care for that "if you think it's a good idea" part, and it held me back for roughly 72 hours.
But I finally ordered a "midnight blue" Dell Inspiron
1525, with an Intel 2 Duo Processor (T5550), 3 gigs of RAM, a 250 gig hard drive, a 15.4-inch screen, etc. etc. At the end the price was $1178, but when I plugged in the coupon code it dropped to $699, with free shipping.
Oh yeah.
The shopping contingent didn't stay out long, and Sunshine was "napping" almost as soon as they came through the door. One minute she was talking about how she knew Paulie Walnuts better than her own Dad, and the next she's all balled-up with a blanket, her mouth hanging open like a beanbag-toss concession at the county fair.
She slept until almost 10:30 that morning, and was asleep again at 2:00! Clearly, she'd been into her "antibiotics." Toney was disgusted, and muttering under her breath...
Some kid called the oldest Secret, and asked if he wanted to go see Ironman. Usually Toney wouldn't let him go, with people visiting, but under the circumstances she said yes. "Grandma's asleep again, so why not?" she shouted.
This kid gets on my nerves, because he has a weird voice. It sounds like he suffered some sort of catastrophic windpipe accident, or maybe a full-sized Triscuit went down horizontally. I used to call him Catastrophic Esophagus, but now it's been shortened to Catastrophagus. Or sometimes, just Triscuit Neck.
The little hooligan also subscribes to the "if you can't be funny, be loud" theory, which bothers me a great deal.
But Toney talked to his mother, and they set everything up. And during this conversation the two of them decided to also go to a movie, at the same theater complex. When I was told about this, I couldn't believe it. I had a strong suspicion I would be the one to
endure the consequences, once Sunny awakened from her drug stupor.
So I took the younger Secret, and we got the hell out of there. We went to Gallery of Sound to look at CDs (I bought the
Foxboro Hot
Tubs, for $9.99), Borders, Best Buy, and the mall (where we enjoyed Oreo Blizzards at Dairy Queen, and looked at cell phones at the Verizon kiosk).
I was supposed to make a no-white-lettuce salad for dinner, so I finally decided to throw caution to the wind and return home.
"Where's Toney?!" came the screeching voice, from the bottom of the stairs.
"Oh, she decided to go with (the older Secret) to the theater," I answered.
"So, she went to the movies?" Sunny shouted.
"Yeah, I guess," I said.
I started making the salad, and the younger Secret turned on Spongebob in the living room. A few minutes later my cell phone rang. It was Toney, and she said her mother left a panicked voicemail on her phone saying, "WHERE ARE YOU?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING!"
What the hell? I went downstairs and Sunshine was sitting on the couch sobbing uncontrollably, and Mumbles was rubbing her back. I asked what was going on, and Sunny said, "I think I'm bleeding internally!"
The shit? What do you say to something like that? I just looked at them, and Mumbles finally asked if I knew where the nearest hospital was located. And Sunshine unleashed a piercing, "NOOOOOOOOOO!"
I went back upstairs and finished the salad (what was I supposed to do?), and then went to the bunker for the new Paste magazine. While I was in there I heard Sunshine talking to somebody on the phone, in a weak quivering
voice. She said, "I've had a hysterectomy, so there's not much left up there…"
"Well, I'm going to go out and mow the lawn!" I announced, and fled the scene once again.
Toney didn't get home until around 7:00 (making me pay for the laptop purchase?), and Sunshine wailed and shrieked the entire time. I mowed the grass, did the weed-wacking and the whole nine yards, and still had to endure some of Sunny's "medical emergency." Perfectly-timed for when she felt wronged by Toney…
We had a late dinner and Sunshine was acting like Miss Jane Pittman the whole time. Her hands were shaking, and she was talking so softly we could barely hear her. Mumbles (who now sounded like James Earl Jones, compared to his wife) kept saying she needed to go to the hospital, and Sunny would become panicked and hysterical every time it was mentioned.
After dinner the boys went to bed, S&M did the same, and Toney and I had a few beers in the living room. After she turned in for the evening, I watched two episodes of
The Fugitive on my portable DVD player, and had several more adult beverages.
And that was just the first day… I'll have more for you tomorrow.
, so I went upstairs and grabbed it. I sat and read and sipped Yuengling, as my computer clicked and clacked on the dining room table. 