--At my job they’re offering us the opportunity to wear shorts
to work, on days we donate a dollar to a charity of some kind (always
with the charities…).This
will run through August and, from what I can tell, it’s a popular
program.
Of course, I’m not interested.But
there’s another way they could get a dollar out of me…I’d gladly donate that amount each and every day, for the
rest of the summer, to STOP some of my co-workers from wearing shorts
to work.
I mean, seriously.Some
folks just need to keep themselves covered in heavy fabric, for the
greater good.I’m now
seeing people walking down the halls with fantastic columns of white
riffle-flesh all out in the open air, their crotches transformed into
hungry pants-gobbling beasts.
And I can’t have that.When
I go in on Sunday I think I’m going to write out my idea, and put it
in the suggestion box.They
could raise thousands, possibly millions!
--And speaking of pants,
some smart-ass sent this to me yesterday, claiming it’s an old
picture of me.I’m
simply buckled over in laughter.
--I was going to go to
the beer store yesterday before I left for work, and ran out of time.Toney volunteered to take care of it, but things didn’t go
smoothly.
She tried to pay with an ATM card, and the thing was denied.We have no idea why, since there’s more than $5000 in that
account, but the machine said NOPE.Toney didn’t want to put it on a credit card, so she asked if
she could write a check.
And the guy said, “Drawn on the same account that was just denied?I don’t think
so.”
This really pissed her off, and she assured him there was plenty of
money in the account.But
he just rolled his eyes and said, “Sure, sure, I’ve heard it a
thousand times before…”And
Toney told the guy he could wedge his case of beer, wide side first.
Or something along those lines…
When I heard this story I started having a full-blown Larry David
moment.It irritated the
crap out of me, probably because I know which person she dealt with,
and was feeling the need to prove to that sphincter we were perfectly
capable of purchasing a suitcase of Yuengling.
I thought about going over there and making him listen to our account
balance, on my cell phone.Or
printing it out, and waving it in his face.
Then I realized I was getting carried away, and all Castanza’d-up.But I’m telling you… it still bothers me.Even though I know I would’ve reacted exactly
the same way he did, if the roles had been reversed.
--In case you were
concerned, I did take care of the Yuengling-shortfall problem today.And Toney went to Sam’s and bought a crazy amount of other
beverages (using the same ATM card).Check out our basement fridge.Heh.
Starting on the top shelf, to the left, it’s Snapple Raspberry iced
tea, Tradewinds sweet tea (good stuff), Snapple Peach iced tea, and
Lipton “white tea.”On
the next shelf: the golden elixir, more Tradewinds, and Magic Hat
Hocus Pocus summer ale.Then
more crap on the door…
We usually drink water, coffee, and beer around our house.But, as you can see, we’re on a pronounced tea jag at the
moment.It’s almost
shocking.
--I went to the post
office today and checked on good ol’ P.O. 4 for the first time in
weeks.The thing was
packed-out with pizza coupons, credit card offers, and even a few
pieces of legitimate mail.
Thanks to Scott Toolson for the kind donation, to “The Don” for
the Smoking Fish cap order (I’ll get it right out to ya!), and to
Jeff Somers for the new issue of The
Inner Swine.I still get a charge out of receiving mail…
Last time I received a cool t-shirt from WVULauren and the “Camp
Hill Posse,” and I believe I failed to thank ‘em.So thank you very much!And
I’m sorry for my inexcusable half-assery.I live in a self-created world of chaos.
--And speaking of the
Smoking Fish caps, there are only five remaining.Once they’re gone, they’re really gone.I won’t be ordering more.So, if you want one…
better hurry.
--While I was driving
home from the post office some assface was tailgating me, and moving
from side to side like he was going to lose his mud unless he was
allowed to pass soon.And
I’m not a slow driver…
When he finally rocketed past I saw it was some teenage shitpouch,
wearing a solid white baseball cap and practically laying down inside
his car.
I told the younger Secret, “Man, I wish that guy’s engine would
explode, and we’d see nothing but a ball of flame cartwheeling into
the woods.”And the
Secret thought that was a riot.
--I think I’ve
conducted this game of skill before, but it’s always worth
revisiting.
When I was a senior in high school our basketball team came within
just a few points of winning the state championship.The school (I hesitate to say “we,” because I had nothing
to do with it) had one hell of a great and exciting basketball team.
And now I’m going to list the five starting players, and see if you
can identify the one
white guy.And, please, no cheating.Ready?OK, here they are:
Ziggy
Roni
DeHan
Ajax Paul
Good luck!
--Finally, Surf Reporter
Christy sends along this personalized
Ads vs. Reality moment, and
we’ve also received word of an interesting and unusual Smoking Fish
sighting, which you can check out here.
And that, as they say, is that.
I’m going to spend my entire Friday in the library, sweating and
sobbing and trying to finally
finish-up an extracurricular writing project.
