-- I tried another of the novelty Mountain Dews last night, and felt like I was about to go into full cardiac arrest. It's that ginseng shit; my system doesn't care for it. The first time it felt like I was covered in ants, and last night I was having
honest-to-Elvis chest pains.
But I've got to try all three of the new limited edition flavors… It's my duty as a dedicated Dew follower; I have no real say in the
matter.
The heart-stopping version is called Revolution, and it's blue like a soda bottle full of Windex. It's supposedly "infused with Wild Berry Fruit Flavor and Ginseng." And once again, it was OK, but not great – with curious capitalization choices.
About twenty minutes after I finished it I started having actual chest pains, and they lasted for maybe half an hour. I was about to start ripping through peoples' desk drawers, to try to get my hands on some Bayer aspirin, or a glycerin tablet.
But everything worked out. I didn't die. And if I can endure the third flavor without my aorta pulling loose, the task will be behind me. It's been a harrowing adventure, but some things are beyond our control...
Friends, this is my 'Nam.
-- The oldest Secret is now scary-good with Guitar Hero. He's so far advanced I don't even recognize the songs anymore. At this point it's just horrible, numbing crapola that sounds like an Emerson, Lake, and Palmer album playing at 45 rpm.
Yesterday he was keeping up with a live Metallica song I'd never heard before. And you know when you have jeans in the washing machine, they all bunch up one side of the drum, and the thing starts hammering and slamming and jumping around? That's what this "song" sounded like.
And the Secret's fingers were flying up and down the neck of that plastic guitar so fast I could barely see them.
The music was so much better when he was first learning... Now that he's an "expert," it's just musicians showing off for each other. There's not an ounce of humor, personality, or fun in any of it.
Which is why, in real life, punk had to happen.
-- A friend of my parents fell down while fishing, and broke his leg. He was out in a small river, stepped on a slimy rock, and it all went downhill from there.
They had to call 911 to get him out of the water, and the rescue people were falling down as well; apparently it was like something off a Buster Keaton movie. He was finally taken to a hospital, and now has a heavy-ass cast from his left knee-down.
The first night home from the hospital, he had trouble getting into their big ol' bed. I guess he and his wife have one of those giant king-sized set-ups, with two layers of box springs, or whatever. The thing is reportedly so high off the floor you practically need a ladder.
And while he was asleep his cast fell off the side of the bed!
Instantly the guy was in excruciating pain, and the weight pulled him into a full standing position. One second he was snoozing away, and then he was suddenly bolt upright and screaming into the
darkness.
And that's all I'm going to say on that subject, so as not to get myself into trouble. 'Cause, you know, I'm only flesh and blood here…
-- Do any of you actually use a fast food debit card? I see those things for sale at Wendy's and McDonald's and those types of places, and wonder if anyone actually buys them.
I don't really understand the need for such an item. What do people do, buy a year's worth of burgers with their tax refund, or something? Can any of you shed some light on this?
Because I'm baffled.
-- Sunshine and Mumbles are leaving their house today, and pointing the hood of their rolling buggy of bitterness toward Scranton.
They could be arriving as early as this coming weekend, but it will probably be the first of next week. They're going to spend one night with us, drop off some stuff they don't want to take into Canada(?!), then go to Nancy's house for several weeks.
And at some point… they'll be back at the Compound for a marathon visit. In fact, I think the whole gang will be with us over the Fourth of July weekend. Nancy, Nostrildamus, the see-thrus, the hammerhead dog, and S&M…
Simply excellent.
-- I'm not sure why, but when I was at work last night I started thinking about people I've known who died in unusual ways. I don't have a lengthy list, and a few of these were little more than casual acquaintances, but they were all real people who passed through my life at some point…
A guy I went to high school with left a bar in Charleston late one night, and nobody ever saw him again. He just disappeared off the Earth. A rumor still goes around our town, about what transpired that night, but I don't really want to get into all that…
Many years later, like ten or fifteen, they found his skeleton buried in a strip mine. His hands had been bound behind his back, and there was a bullet hole through his skull.
He was young when he disappeared, eighteen or nineteen years old, and it was a freaky man, freaky.
Another kid I sorta knew got into drugs during high school, and scrambled his brains all up. He'd been athletic and popular, but the drugs changed his personality and demeanor. One day he strapped a set of barbells to himself, and walked into the river. I think my Dad was one of the men who pulled his body out of the water.
A boy from my high school died playing Russian roulette…
And a kid who was in my gym class, during eleventh grade, was walking along a busy two-lane road one day and got blasted in the back of the head by a truck mirror. He was supposedly dead before he hit the dirt.
I also worked with an older man, back when I was a toll collector, who got tripped up in his vacuum cleaner
cord and fell down the cellar steps.
And finally, one of my old bosses in California took an early retirement after his best friend suddenly dropped dead. He said life was too short, and he wasn't spending the rest of his inside corporate conference rooms. He moved his family to Las Vegas, a place he loved.
Shortly after arriving there, he got into an argument with a woman at a car wash; he believed she'd cut him off. …Or was it the other way around? In any case, the woman's husband showed up and shoved my co-worker from behind. He fell forward, hit his head, and died several days later.
So, how's that for uplifting? Hmm? I was hoping to focus on the unusual aspects of the stories, but tragic death always has a way of
overshadowing everything.
Anyway, that's my Question for you today. Use the comments link below to tell us about real people from your life (not tall tales from the internet or the local tavern), who died in unusual ways.
