--The weekend was unsatisfactory.I had plans for each day, and most of them went straight down
the ol' crap-catcher.
Friday
was set aside for the final sprint of an extracurricular writing
project, and I got very little done.It was the last day of school here in the Upper Perogie Belt,
and the Secrets got home around 12:30 in the afternoon.
The
older boy had a friend with him, some kid I'd never seen before, who
reminded me of a guy I hated all through my childhood.Therefore, I didn't like this kid either…I didn't trust him because he was an asshole in 1974 West
Virginia, even though he's only twelve
and lives in Pennsylvania.If you know what I mean.
And
the phone was ringing so much I was afraid it wouldn't be able to
handle the load and might burst into flames.
One
woman called three or four times, and refused to leave a message.I knew she wanted to talk to Toney, so I kept letting her calls
go to the machine.If I'd
answer I'd just be forced into awkward chit-chit, and be given a task
at the end ("Can you have her call me?") which I'd promptly
forget.
But
I thought there might be something wrong, so I finally picked-up.And it played out exactly as anticipated…A few hours later Cindy (or was it Mary, or possibly Michelle?)
called and started slinging around attitude, thinking she was being
ignored.Whoops.
Toney
only worked a half-day as well.I
was planning to abandon ship the moment she came in.I had my Jack Bauer man-bag, which contained a laptop computer
and a notebook, sitting by the front door.Naively, I thought I'd spend the next four or five hours
writing at the library.
Ha!
The
older Secret asked if he could go over to 1974's house, and I told him
to talk to his mother."Not
my department," I said for the six millionth time.
I
ended up taking part in the conversation, and she wanted to know if I
could drive both of them to the boy's house. Not a problem, it would
take ten minutes, tops...I asked Toney if she'd had anything for lunch, and a trip to
Subway was also added to my itinerary.
When
I returned home, I noticed Andy (Black Lips Houlihan) was acting a
little strange.He was
walking all low to the ground, with his tail between his legs.I called him over and started petting him, and he yelped and
jumped away.
What
in the chinless crap?
He
was cowering, panting, shaking like Janet Reno in a wagon train, and
moving around the room with his belly on the floor.Every time there was a noise, or if someone started talking a
little louder than usual, he'd let out a yelp and leap sideways.
Then
he began jumping onto our laps (which he never does), with a terrified
look in his eyes, then get instantly down again.Eventually he went into the downstairs bathroom and wouldn't
come out.
He
hates bathrooms, he associates them with baths, and NEVER enters
either of ours.One time I
conducted a little experiment and put a cookie deep inside the
bathroom downstairs, to see how he'd play it.After a few seconds of consideration, he ran in there, grabbed
the cookie, and rocketed away like he was being pursued by a large
mountain cat.
So this was waaaay
out of character.
And
when one of us would step into the doorway, he'd whimper and cower in
the corner. Like he didn't know us!
Toney
called the vet, who asked a million questions.It sounded like he was thinking tick bite, or heat exhaustion.But Andy doesn't spend much time outside.Heat was not even a possibility, he'd been hanging around on
couches all day, but I guess he could've been bitten by a tick. Who the hell knows?
By
this time I was convinced Andy was about to go to that big UPS
drivers' convention in the sky, and was getting tired of the twenty
questions.Let's
just go!Eventually Toney put her hand over the receiver and told me
they didn't have any openings today, we'd have to wait until Monday or
take Andy to the emergency animal hospital in some town that sounded
far away.
"Bullshit!Tell 'em we're coming!!" I hollered.She got back on and they were able to, you know, squeeze us in
after all.
The
guy stuck a thermometer up Andy's ass, which didn't go over very well.A muzzle was then needed…But his temperature was way up, for reasons unknown.They took some blood, did a bunch of tests, gave us some
antibiotics and doggie Motrin, charged us $177, and the next morning
told us they could find nothing out of the ordinary.
And
after Toney gave Andy his first dose of medicine, he almost instantly
went back to normal.There's
been no further incident; he acts exactly like he always does.In fact, he's seems a little more playful and frisky than
usual.
Freaking
bizarre.
The
next morning I did something to make Toney mad (I'm not an easy person
to live with), so there was tension in the air.Around 9:00 I went to the library, and
planned to write until 1:00.
But
it took a full 45 minutes for my computer to get going.
Some sort of automatic scan started, the second I turned it on,
and the thing was bogged-down and unusable.In fact, there might've been four or five scans going at once;
it was maddening.
While
I waited like an idiot, a college-aged girl sat down at the table next
to mine.She took her
laptop out of her bag, hit the on button, and was off and running
within seconds.I checked
out her computer, which was sleek and stainless steel, and compared it
to mine.Which looked like
an open Domino's box, painted black.
I
was overcome by a powerful case of laptop envy...
When
I was finally able to start writing, an adult retarded man walked
through the doors wearing a very tall neon-orange baseball cap, and
talking like Jerry Lewis.For
the next half-hour he hung out in the fiction aisle, near my table,
making grunting noises.
Eventually
I got a little work done, but at exactly noon another scan kicked-off and I
might've said "Ahh, fuck it!" a little louder than I
should've.The hipster
girl eyed me suspiciously, over the top of her Lisa Loeb glasses.
When
I got home we went to Sam's Club, and I hung around looking at the
laptop computers.They had
a Toshiba that was a thing of beauty: 250 gig hard drive, 3 gigs of
RAM, 17-inch screen, etc. etc.For
$799!
"I
want to buy this," I told Toney.
"Oh
yeah?" she said, only half listening.
"No,
seriously.I want to buy
it today.I'm going to
reach into my pocket, choose a credit card at random, and buy this
bitch."
"Did
a medical dictionary fall off a shelf at the library this morning, and
hit you on the head?Let's
keep moving…"
And
that was the end of my laptop dreams.For the time being, anyway.When the right deal comes along, with 12 months/no interest, or
whatever, I’m hurling that pizza box into a landfill like an Olympic
discus champion.
We
had lunch, and went for a walk in a nearby park.We went across a covered bridge, onto a walking trail, and the
sky turned menacingly dark.Then
it started dumping rain (it had been sunny only seconds before), and
lightning was striking all around.Sweet Maria!
We
made it back to the bridge, and waited for the storm to pass.While we stood there a gigantic Hummer limousine pulled into
the parking lot, and just kept on coming.It drove up one of the walking paths, across the basketball
courts, and right up against the covered bridge, where we were
standing.The shit was the
size of a building.
Most
of the doors swung open, and a wedding party emerged.There was a lot of baby blue formal wear, and cigarettes
appearing as if from thin air.Two
women walked over to us, and asked if they could "have" the
bridge, for photographs.
While
we began towards our car in the rain, one of the two unleashed a belch
so loud there was a slight echo of the adjacent hillside.
We
went to Manning's ice cream, where the oldest Secret made me mad, and
there was more tension.Then
we went home, and Toney realized the homemade macaroni 'n' cheese had
just been sitting there for hours, because the Crockpot was never
plugged in.
Later
I started the grill in a driving rain (it fired right up), then made
buttermilk steaks while getting soaked all the way through my
underwear.
Between Monty Python
with the Secrets, and The
Wire with Toney, I blew the
complete ass out of a pair of shorts.I was walking through the living room with a thumb drive in my
hand, accidentally dropped it, and the seat of my pants almost
literally disappeared when I bent over to pick the thing up.
And
on Sunday I mowed the grass and went to work.
How's
that for a stellar weekend?Man,
they just don't get much better.I
did manage to log considerable Netflix time, played a long game of
Risk with the Secrets, drank a few Yuengling Lagers with Toney, and
the steaks were excellent again.So,
it wasn't a complete loss.
But,
all in all?Unsatisfactory.How about yours?Use
our handy-dandy comments link below, to bring us up to date.
, which contained a laptop computer
and a notebook, sitting by the front door.