Ebony
and ivory, live together on the back of Andy… Side by side in my
animal’s ass hair, oh Lord, why don’t weee…
Oh, shit…I didn’t realize we were already on the air?How embarrassing.I hope
everyone’s having a wonderful Thursday.It’s a beautiful, sunny day here in the Upper Perogie Belt,
and I get to go to work in a little while!Yes, I couldn’t be more excited.
Last week they asked for volunteers to work on Thursday night.Usually it’s a day off for us, but the holiday on Monday
threw everything into disarray.So,
needless to say, I looked at my shoes and kept quiet until the threat
was over.
But I was later informed I’m subject to mandatory
volunteerism, and I’ll be
working four to midnight.Put the beer nuts back in the cupboard for a while…
Yeah, but it’s better than last summer, when I didn’t have a job at all.Ya know?I didn’t much
care for that, if you want to know the truth.For better or worse, I’ve grown accustomed to food and
shelter.
Anyway, I don’t have a lot of time here.So let’s get right to it, shall we?
--Are any of you familiar with
Teenage Fanclub?They’re a
great power-pop band out of Scotland, and every once in a while I go
off on a jag where I can’t listen to anyone else.And that’s where I am right now.I can’t listen to anyone else, because
nobody else is as good.That’s why!
--Toney’s computer is a
piece of crap.It’s only a
few years old, but it was purchased with cheapness in mind.It’s got a tiny hard drive, very little memory, and a CD
burner that only works when the moon is in the second house.
And it’s sooooo slooooooooow.Last
weekend I played around with it, running various scans and trying to
speed the shit up.But after an
hour or so I wanted to take it out to the driveway and run over it
with my car.
Screw it.We went on the Dell
site and ordered a new tower, with a better operating system, 3 gigs
of memory, and a hard drive like NASA’s.For $400!It’ll be
here tomorrow.
Took care of that problem.
--I'm calling this one Zeroing Out the Moleskine, but I don't
really use a Moleskine notebook on a daily basis.They're too expensive for that sort of thing; I'd go broke
buying really cool stacks of paper.
I
did take one to England, and it served me well.It was the perfect size to drop into a jacket pocket.And whenever we stopped somewhere, at a restaurant or a pub,
I'd break it out and record the highlights from the past few hours.
Some
of you complimented me on the amount of detail in the London
Travelogue, and now you know my secret...
I
also have a second Moleskine, which I use on daytrips, and that sort
of thing.I took it to Cooperstown a couple of weeks ago, and will
probably have it when I chaperone a herd of sixth graders through the
Bronx Zoo in a few days.
I
need to write things down within a reasonable amount of time, or I
forget.Then I remember there
was something I wanted to remember, but can't remember what it was.And everything goes downhill from there…It's absolutely maddening.
So, I have a small notebook and pen in my car.And I fill regular ol' cheap Target notebooks continuously.The fancy-ass hipster models are for special occasions, and
that combination pretty much covers my entire life.
The only blind spot?I don't
have paper and a pen beside my bed, and I sometimes remember something
to cruelly mock before drifting off to sleep.Then I'm too lazy to hoist myself off the platform, and go all
the way downstairs to write it down.
Then it's gone forever, and a grown man cries.
It's this website, and related writing projects that's made made me
this way.I didn’t used to be
so crazy.Do any of you suffer
from this sickness? Please tell me I'm not alone.
--A little Baptist humor
our oldest son heard at school this week:
Q:How do you hide money from a
Catholic?
A:Put it in a Bible!
Apparently some kid told that side-splitter in the cafeteria a few
days ago, and almost got his ass kicked.You can’t go around dissin’ the home team.
--The eggs in our refrigerator
have expiration dates printed on them -- each individual egg!Have you seen this?I
find it to be bizarre.What
kind of crazy cross-breeding did they put those chickens through?!
--And what happened to Carpal
Tunnel Syndrome?A few years
ago everyone had it, and was walking around moaning, and holding up a
single withered and hideous claw-like hand.Now I never hear it mentioned anymore.
I kinda miss that Tales
From The Crypt salute; it
added a certain flavor to the work environment.
--Tell me if this is wrong…The oldest Secret’s class recently had a so-called Greek
Festival.Each kid had to do
some sort of themed presentation, and he got permission to play a
Greek song on his bass guitar.
He and I looked around on the internet, but couldn’t really find
anything suitable.So I had him
play a song by the Dave Matthews Band, and tell everyone it was
Vangelis. And nobody knew the difference!
Yeah…
it wasn’t really a valuable Ward Cleaver-style life lesson was it?
--Toney said she was at work a
few days ago, pretending to read a newspaper but actually
eavesdropping on a conversation between three ninth-grade girls.
The topic of discussion?Total
and absolute pubic hair eradication.One
of them wanted to get a “Brazilian wax,” to surprise her
boyfriend(!), but needed parental approval.
So her friends were suggesting ways for the girl to approach her
mother, and “bikini season” was the final plan of attack.
Ninth grade! Unbelievable,When I was their
age I’d only seen photographs of vaginas.
And that’s it.Gotta go!
I won’t be able to update tomorrow, so I hope you guys have
yourselves a wonderful weekend.
