Chief Bloody Paw,
forklift training, pissing off the Matriarch, and more
--The veterinarian couldn't tell us what's wrong with Andy's
constantly-bleeding foot.He
thinks it's a sore between the pads, that keeps getting aggravated and
ripped apart.But, he
said, it could also be a couple of other things.
Hell, even I could come up with a diagnosis like that.And I dropped out of the West Virginia State College school of
business, on account of half-assery.
But he gave us some antibiotics, charged us $100, and told us
Blacklips needs to wear a special "booty" whenever he goes
outside, which can be purchased at Petco or PetSmart (or is it
PetsMart?).And that
ridiculous thing cost $25.
So Andy's going to be walking around wearing one glove like Michael
Jackson for the next few weeks.Hey,
he's mostly black, but also white, so maybe it's not so inappropriate?I simply don't know.
All I can tell you is he's not going to care for such foolishness.I have a feeling he'll be acting like he's engaged in a
never-ending Hokie-Pokie session, until he's healed.
Oh,
there's going to be much putting his right foot in, along with equal
amounts of shaking it all about…Mark my words.
--A few weeks ago a
directive came down from the mysterious, mythical Home Office, saying
all management level employees where I work must be licensed forklift
operators.And this, I
quickly realized, included me.
TS?!I've never been on a
forklift in my life.For
the past twenty years I've worked near warehouses, but never actually
in one.And not once
has there been a situation where all regular forklift drivers have
suddenly fallen ill, and it's been left to me to remove that one
crucial pallet from the rack, which
will help save the world.But I guess anything's possible, right?
I went to my boss and tried to laugh it off, like it was all a big
yuk-yuk mistake.But it
was real, and last Thursday I attended a five-hour forklift training
class.Oh, it was quite an
experience.
The
first two hours (or so) were in a classroom.A guy lectured mostly about safety, and told a couple of cool
stories to illustrate.
He
said a woman where he used to work parked her "truck," and
went into the cafeteria for a cup of coffee.But she failed to remove the keys, and a temp worker decided to
try the thing out.
He
jumped aboard, turned the key, whipped around in a tight circle, and
rammed both forks through a wall – impaling some poor bastard on the
other side, who'd been eating a sandwich.
And,
as so often happens, I was the only one who laughed…
We
also watched a video (not this
one, unfortunately), and took a written
test.I missed 2 out of
33, well within the acceptable range, and was allowed to go
"downstairs" for hands-on training.
Gulp.
There
was a group of us, and only one forklift.So that meant we all had an audience whenever it was our turn
to perform some kind of trick on that bastard.I'm not really a fan of the audience…
At
first we were instructed to just move forward and backward, to get
familiar with the controls and whatnot.I had no problem with this, I moved both forward and backward
without incident.
Then
we were led to a small obstacle course, and were told to drive the
forklift between several road cones, set up in a sort of slalom
pattern.Oh shit.I could feel my entire body going moist on me.I had flashbacks of my days trying to back that pop-up camper,
and worried this might be a repeat.I mean, those
forklifts have rear-steering, or some deal.
The
first person went through it fairly well, as did the second.Then the instructor said, "Jeff, give it a shot!" and
I took a look around.It
seemed like every person there was just hungering for something to
laugh at, and putting their hopes and dreams in me.My ass was now awash in flop-sweat…
This
was one of those stand-up forklifts, and we were told to always drive
them backwards.So I had
to stand inside the driving well, and ratchet my body around in an
uncomfortable position.Fortunately,
many forklift drivers come equipped with sizable beer-guts, so I
didn't have any trouble wedging myself into the large compartment.
And
I did it.It was much
easier than I'd feared, and I zig-zagged through those cones like I'd
had at least
fifteen minutes prior practice.Whew.I felt like a pallet of peat moss had been lifted off my
shoulders.
But
the next guy didn't fare so well…He almost took out a row of shelving, and sent several people
scrambling for cover.He
just couldn't get a feel for the steering, and at one point was
spinning around in circles, beeping the horn.I guess he thought the horn was the brake?I'm not sure.
But
it was an amazing thing to behold, and I was thankful somebody
was worse than me.Once
that fact has been established, it takes away a lot of the pressure.If he'd driven it down a flight of stairs, it would've been
even better.
Our
last task was to lift a loaded pallet off the floor, and place it on a
shelf.It looked easy, but
I knew better than to get cocky.Again,
however, I over-performed, and walked away unscathed.I was a little herky-jerky during the pick-up, but so were most
of the others.
I'd
somehow made it through, without doing something
"memorable."Amazing!
We
received about thirty more minutes of repeated safety warnings, and
were told we'd be getting our results in a week or so.Apparently I could be a licensed forklift operator, any minute
now.
And
that'll sure come in handy when I'm sitting at my desk creating Excel
spreadsheets.
--Sunshine wants to come to the east coast around the Fourth of
July, and stay until after Christmas.She'll shuttle between our house and
Nancy's, she says, staying a month
here, a month there…
Of
course, she didn't ask Toney or Nancyabout this, she just informed
them.And Toney all but
told her no.
Well,
NOBODY questions the queen, and this caused a big argument.She started making snotty remarks about how we're
unwelcoming(!), and "selfish" because we refuse to install a
door on the family room (so she can have her own private space).
Unwelcoming?!I about hyper-shat when Toney told me that one.We have more visitors than the Red Roof Inn!Man, that's a statement that defies all laws of logic.
And
the door issue… We've been through this once before; who makes such
a request?!I hate to even
drink an extra cup of coffee when I'm staying at somebody's house, it
would never occur to me to demand structural alterations.
I
guess it got pretty heated, and Sunny eventually started crying and
slammed the phone in Toney’s ear.
And
the following day, the exact same thing happened with Nancy.
Sunshine called her and started making six-month demands, and Nancythrew up a few roadblocks.Naturally, this led to insults, yelling, crying, and the
dramatic hang-up.
Is
that not excellent?
--So Steve and I were at an unnamed brewery a while back, and I
considered buying one of their pub glasses.It was cool-looking, but I was getting ready to spend a large
amount of money on beer itself, and decided against it.
After
we paid, Steve asked the guy if they had a bathroom.He directed us to a building across a small alleyway, which
housed what looked like an employee break room.While Steve was in the can I waited in a small kitchen area,
and noticed something interesting in the dish drainer...
There
were about ten of those cool pub glasses, freshly washed, and turned
upside down.I guess the
crew sits around drinking the recipe? How cool is that?!
When
Steve returned I joked that I was going to pocket one of them, and he
acted like he didn't believe me.After
35 years of watching me operate?Outrageous!So, in one smooth motion I transferred a glass to my shopping
bag, and we walked to the car.
On
our way we passed the guy who'd hosted the brewery tour, and at that
very moment the glass shifted inside my bag and went CLANK! against a
beer bottle.
Both of us nearly dropped a plate, but the dude just gave
us a jaunty little salute and we continued on.Then we laughed our asses off for the next ten minutes…
Childish,
I know, but also fun.For
a few minutes it felt like 1978 again.
--I’m sorry, but I’ve
changed my mind about listing which actors I think should play Nancy, Nostrils, etc.It’s better, I believe, if they remain as they are inside
your heads.Anyway, a
lot of your guesses are so freakin’ accurate it’s scary... You
guys have pretty much got it pegged.
I will give you this much, however.You know, since I feel kinda guilty. The person who said Jack
Black almost made me do a spit-take. Nossy is the anti-Jack Black.
Continue casting the film! This is fun. Like this one: ...and Seth
Rogen to be Jeff (sorry Jeff). For some reason the apology at the
end made me laugh.
--And finally, the
Question of the Day:with
which provider did you register your very first email address?Mine was with a company called Mindspring (probably in late
1995), then a small regional ISP based in Atlanta.They quickly pissed me off somehow, and I switched to Earthlink,
where I remained for a long time.
Eventually Earthlink and Mindspring merged, but that came years
later…
I have a feeling many of you young whipper-snappers started with
Hotmail, or Yahoo, or one of the web-based services.But maybe not.Use
the comments link below.
