--Last week I received an email from Netflix saying they'd sent
me a copy of I Am
Legend, and the next day
something called P.S.
I Love You arrived.What the hell's P.S.
I Love You?I didn't know, and still don't.I'm a very busy man; I don't have time for jibber-jabber.
I went to the website and I
Am Legend was still at the top
of my queue.But they were
asking me to review it, since
they'd just received the movie back from me(?!).What in the pop 'n' lock crap?
I was totally confused.They
mailed it to me, but I received something else, and it's set to ship
next, even though they already sent one, and I returned it, which I
didn't.The whole thing made my
brain hurt.
I clicked over to the customer service section of the site, expecting
to be asked to compose an email explaining my problem, which would be
promptly answered in 3 to 4 weeks.But
I was given an actual telephone number instead, under which was written,
"Current wait time: less than 1 minute."
Huh.I called it, and was
instantly talking to a woman who seemed at least reasonably
intelligent, and spoke the kind of English I'm accustomed to.I explained my situation, without going all the way around
Fisher's hog pond with it, and she apologized for the hassle.
Then she took action.Mail the P.S.
I Love You back, she said,
unless I wanted to watch it (in which case I could keep it as long as
I'd like).She'd make sure I
Am Legend is delivered to me
next-day, and to make up for any inconvenience they'd also send the
next disc in my queue, allowing me to have four at a time.
Wow, I thought, this is the best customer service ever!I thanked her, she apologized again, and we hung up.
And
about ten minutes later I received an email from Netflix telling me
they'd sent the next TWO discs in my queue, the replacement copy of I
Am Legend, and were also
knocking a percentage off next month's fee.I now have five discs, even though I'm only allowed three, and
they were nice to me from somewhere within the continental United States.
I'm
simply not accustomed to such treatment.In fact, part of me wonders if they screwed it up on purpose,
so they could dazzle me with their performance and promote brand loyalty.It can't just be a simple case of superior customer service,
can it?That sort of thing
doesn't exist, right?
Is it paranoid to suspect this might’ve been a manufactured event,
something with an insider codename like Blue Buffalo or something?“This guy’s been with us for a while, and it looks like
he’s slowing down with his rentals… hit him with the Blue
Buffalo!”
I don't know; the whole thing is curious.And the fact that I
Am Legend kinda sucked is
completely beside the point.
--We did our duty this
weekend, and helped stimulate the economy.Our tax rebate was direct-deposited on Friday, and on Saturday
we bought the boys new mattresses and box springs.Not too exciting, I know, but it's something we'd been meaning
to do.
We started at a huge furniture store, the kind where you're accosted
by salesmen the moment you pass through the front door, and the
curvature of the Earth can be seen way off beyond the dining room
tables.
The place was incredibly expensive, and some man kept making noises
like a dog in the throes of a full-body pump.I guess he was clearing his throat, but it sounded like he was
on the cusp of regurgitation.Again
and again.
Also, there was an irritating teenage girl there, with her mother, who
kept lying on all the beds, and speaking in the creaking-door voice.God, how I hate the creaking-door voice.I wanted a headboard to detach, fall, and explode her sternum.
So, we went to the mall and visited Sears and JCPenney.We almost pulled the trigger at the former, but didn't feel
like we'd done enough legwork.So
we went to JCP, and their prices seemed really good – until you read
the fine print.Additional fees
will get you, if you're not careful.
The salesmen in the bedding department had set up a table full of
snacks, and they insisted we help ourselves.(This was before they realized we were plotting our escape.)So I ate two chocolate chip cookies, each the size of a 45 rpm
record.
And as we were fleeing the area I saw a stack of irresponsibly
expensive bath towels on a table.Blindingly
white.And man, it was all I
could do not to wipe my befouled mouth all over one of them, and put
it back.
We decided to return to Sears, and just get it over with.But while we walked, one of us mentioned a mattress store
outside the mall, called Sleepy's.And
that's where we finally made the purchase.They beat the Sears price by twenty bucks each, same model and
everything, so that was that.
The
big Baby Huey salesman told us we could have them delivered on Sunday,
and we were amazed.Then he
gave us an estimated time: between 6 and 10 pm.Mattress deliveries, at ten o'clock on Sunday night??Seemed kinda weird, but whatever.
They actually arrived
around five o'clock, and the Secrets got to sack out
on their newly outfitted dormancy platforms last night.Just a few hours after the tax rebate was direct deposited...
Toney
also ordered wooden blinds for all three bedrooms with the money, and
I bought the iPod docking station I've been eyeing.There's a small balance left, and we're going to put it toward
the removal of a dead tree in our front yard, before the thing
tips over and falls into Half-Shirt's pool.God knows we don't need that brand of aggravation.
And that'll take care of our consumption duty.What plans do you have for your mini-windfall?Tell us about it in the comments.
--Since we're on the subject
of sleeping, which of these positions do you usually adopt?I always start on my side (scraping foetus off the wheel), but
end up on my back (starfish), snoring, sputtering, and occasionally
screaming, "No, dear God, no!!."What about you?
And here's a little reminder of how I feel about the whole unsavory
subject.
--I made breakfast on Sunday, for Mother’s Day.And for some reason Toney thought it was hilarious that I had
to call her in, so she could tell me how to turn on the oven.I don’t get it.But
anyway, there were a few problems…
Back during our Atlantayuppie experiment, when we lived
beyond our means in the suburbs, I made breakfast quite often.Always the same thing:scrambled
eggs with cheese, bacon (aigs & biken), biscuits, apples sauce,
and some kind of potatoes and green onion conglomeration I found
described in a cookbook at a store where I used to work.Really easy, and really good.
But it had been many years, and I burnt the living hell out of the
biscuits.Those things were, as
my Dad would put it, harder than a bullet.And when I was cracking eggs and dropping them into a bowl, I
got to number seven and it was pure blood.Have you ever seen this?It
was frickin’ disgusting, and I poured the whole thing down the sink.
So Toney went to the store and bought another dozen eggs, while I
tended to my potato masterpiece.It
was loaded up with salt & pepper and butter, and turned out to be
the highlight of an otherwise questionable meal.Well, the eggs weren’t bad, but I kept envisioning that big
blood clot with every forkful.Blecch.
Hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?Yeah, that’s one of my favorite, most-used sayings…
--There’s been another
Smoking Fish sighting, this time in Florida.Check it out!
--And this is Bill O’Reilly
losing his shit in hilarious hair.
--Brad sent this article to
me, about how the French are apparently giving themselves cancer and
hernias.There shouldn’t be
any such problems in the bunker, I’m pleased to report.
--I still don’t fully
understand the concept of this
site.But
all the kids are doing it, so I’d better do it too…If you want to “follow” me, feel free.And I’ll follow you right back.Or whatever.
I apologize for the lack of an update on Friday.I’d fully intended to post something, but the wheels flew off
the day (as so often happens).I’ll
try to maintain in the coming week.
And I have good news for you, bad news for me… Nancy and the gang
will be visiting the compound next weekend.And they’ll be back for a longer stay, during Fourth of July.I have no doubt Eninen will be sporting black armbands for that
particular holiday…
So, there you go.I screwed up
Friday, but you’ll probably get a super-secret bonus next week.Yes, it all balances out here at The West Virginia Surf Report.
