Jeff Kay's West Virginia Surf Report!

Perfection Denied: A Day Which Will Live In Infamy

Tuesday, May 15th, 2012

Since I’m regularly infuriated by people in fast food restaurants, and their scattered, shithead ways, it’s very important to me that I not be a hypocrite on the subject. So, when it’s my time to order, I’m always prepared for action.

You’ll never hear me say things like, “So, tell me a little about this… Big Mac sandwich? Is that what it’s called? It sounds interesting. What comes on that?” Or, “Yes, can I get the Whopper, but with the meat higher up in the stack? I prefer it to be above the lettuce and tomato. Also, can you cut all my fries in half? I have trouble with some of the really long ones.”

No, I’m always ready to go, the moment I’m called upon. I clearly enunciate with just enough (but not too much!) information, give the cashier ample breathing room to key everything, and already have my money or bank card in hand at the end of the process. So, there’s no fumbling around in my pockets, or any of that nonsense.

And I work within the accepted framework of whatever restaurant I happen to be visiting. I hate fast food pickles, for instance, but when I’m at McDonald’s I just let it go. It’s a conveyor belt of burgers back there, and it’s not advisable to disturb the rhythm. I just remove the pickles myself, on the back-end. But at Wendy’s they make each burger individually, so I feel comfortable telling them to hold the pickle. It’s a case by case thing, always within the accepted framework.

Then, as soon as the transaction is complete, I step to my left and allow access for the next person in line. I’ve said it a million times before, and I’ll say it again: I’m the guy you want to be in line behind at a fast food restaurant. I am the ideal fast food customer, and fully expect that to be my legacy.

But let me tell you about something that happened at Burger King a few days ago…

I went in there around 10:00 a.m. I’d already been up for hours and wanted lunch. But it was still breakfast in the BK world, so I rolled with it. Respect the framework, remember.

And when it was my time to order, I told the woman I wanted a sausage, egg, and cheese Croissan’wich, and a small soda. The soda is self-serve, so there’s no need to be specific. To say “Dr. Pepper” or “Coke” or whatever, is to open yourself up to complications. Like, “Oh, we’re out of Dr. Pepper today, but we have root beer.” That kind of thing. When it’s self-serve the generic “soda” is preferred.

So, my ordering technique was perfection, as always. But the cashier wouldn’t accept my gift of being a total pro, and insisted on making everything complicated. Usually they recognize the accomplished and polished customer, and appreciate it. But not this chick.

“Do you really want the small soda, or did you mean the value soda?” she asked. What? I don’t like this kind of crap. It adds an unnecessary extra layer to the process. But I said, “Value, I guess.”

And that was a tactical error. It was a gateway to: “The value soda is no-refills. Is that what you want?” What the hell, man?? My order, which was a thing of beauty, was collapsing all around me. Two extra layers now? This was a mess. “Yes, that’s fine,” I said through gritted teeth.

Then, incredibly: “Do you want ketchup?” I’d ordered a sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwich. Ketchup?? Seriously? This was a bridge too far…

“Why would I want ketchup?” I asked. “I don’t understand.”

“Lots of people like ketchup on their eggs,” she shrugged.

“Like special needs kids, and that kind of thing?”

“So, no ketchup?”

The whole thing was spiraling out of control. My masterpiece was ruined. It was like she drew a set of giant buck teeth on the Mona Lisa. Plus, and this really chaps my ass…, they have ketchup dispensers at Burger King! I hadn’t gotten my order to go, I ate it there. Why was she trying to give me ketchup packets??

It was a disaster of the highest order; my own personal 9/11. I’d offered the gift of perfection, and she slapped it away with all her extra layers and bizarro toppings inquiries. It was awful, I tell you, and after today I will never speak of it again.

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Tell Us About the Stuff You’ve Been Enjoying Recently

Monday, May 14th, 2012

Hello, friends. It’s been a long time since I’ve written one of these updates, and I’m hoping it’s just like riding a bicycle or setting warehouse fires. I’m counting on muscle-memory to take over.

I want to thank Virtual Jeff for posting a new Question from his database every day last week at 9:00 a.m. I was otherwise engaged, but it seems like it went reasonably well. What did you guys think? Go ahead and be honest… [VJ] is unplugged and back inside his packing crate in the basement.

My extracurricular project went well, I think. But, of course, it’s not for me to decide. I turned everything in on Friday, and now all I can do is wait. I’m not the most patient person on the continent, but grit my teeth and pretend to be patient I must. I’ll let you know if I get good news. If it’s never mentioned again… you’ll know I was sent back to the drawing board one more time.

Oh well. Whatever it takes. I don’t give up so easily nowadays. I often wish I could have my twenties back, which was a decade of my life wasted on dumbassery and high-impact douche-a-robics. But I was so quick to give up on things back then. First sign of trouble: fukkit. I don’t need that tendency back, thank you very much.

I returned to work last night, and my desk was an absolute wreck. My computer was locked-out with a generic password, which makes me think it was used last week as a time clock — where employees clocked in and out during every shift. All my pens were gone, my two monitors were radically cockeyed, and my desk was covered in something that required a thorough scrub-down with Mr. Clean, or whatever.

I’m very territorial, and don’t like people messing with my shit. So… within seconds of arrival, I was already growling like a dog, and producing a daisy-chain of illogical profanity. Order was restored within a half-hour, though. It looked worse than it was, I guess.

I had 445 emails, which was a pleasant surprise. I was braced for 650. That’s what my inner-sensors told me: 650. I went through them in an hour or so, and sent 99% to the garbage or one of a dozen folders I’ll probably never open. At the end I was left with about 10 messages that required my direct involvement.

And just like that… I was officially back into the swing of things. As if last week had never happened. It made me feel mildly sad.

But while I was away I discovered two things I’m really enjoying, and would like to share them with you guys. I noticed that [VJ] was pretty negative with his questions, so I thought I’d start the new week with something a little less… dark.

I’d like to know what new stuff you’ve discovered in your travels over the past few months, which you’re enjoying. I’ll start with my two, and you guys can take it from there. OK? OK.

The first is a free phone app called Evernote. There are plenty of applications which you can download to your phone, and use to jot down ideas and thoughts that occur to you throughout the day. I had one on my previous phone, but Evernote is roughly a million times cooler than that earlier one.

It looks great, for one thing, and is super-easy to use. And it also uploads your notes to a cloud drive, so you can retrieve them from any computer in the world. It does a lot of other things, too. But the notebook function is fantastic, and I’ve been using it daily.

And it’s completely free. It’s one of the few apps I’ve discovered that is truly useful, and makes my life a little bit better. I enthusiastically recommend Evernote. Check it out, if you’re so inclined.

Also, I’ve been fairly obsessed with an unlikely album. A few weeks ago I downloaded Bible Belt by Diane Birch, after I heard it mentioned by two different music nerds on unrelated podcasts. It sounded interesting and I had a small balance in my eMusic account, so I took a chance on it.

I’m glad I did. It sounds like a singer/songwriter album from the 1970s — like maybe something from Carole King or Carly Simon. Or maybe a female Elton John. The songs are really good, and it’s just a hell of a lot of fun. I’m sure I’m drawn to the nostalgic feel of it; this stuff would’ve been all over AM radio if it had been released in 1973. But it’s not ONLY about nostalgia… the songs and the performances are strong.

So, there you go. Have you discovered anything new that you’d like to share with us? If so, please use the comments link below.

And I’ll be back tomorrow, boys and girls.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada

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[VJ] Who Would You Like to Take a Cross-Country Road Trip With?

Friday, May 11th, 2012

Hello Surf Reporters! This is Virtual Jeff, with my final installment of the week. I’ve enjoyed booting-up for you guys, and hope it hasn’t been too painful. Jeff Classic will be back with you on Monday, unless he’s killed in a catastrophic street cleaner accident, or whatever.

Today’s Question is another classic that’s stood the test of time. I’d like to know who you would most enjoy sharing a cross-country car trip with. Remember, you’ll be in close quarters for many hours per day, for several days in a row. So, please take that into account.

Also, just for fun: who do you think would be the absolute WORST person to travel with? Whoopi Goldberg? Jim Carrey? Who?

Please tell us in the comments link below, and don’t forget to cite the reasons for you decisions. The reasons are the best part. I’ll see you guys again soon.

Goodbye.