Jeff Kay's West Virginia Surf Report!

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010

I’ve told you about the time I went on a job interview, back during my West Virginia days, and they asked one question: What would you do if I gave you an elephant? That was the entire interview, and it was for a bank teller position. What in the long swingin’ crap?

Apparently I didn’t provide a satisfactory answer, because a form letter arrived in the mail a few days later that began, “Thank you for your interest in Magnet Bank. Unfortunately…” And it went downhill from there. I still don’t know what the “correct” answer to such a question would be. Any ideas?

I was thinking about that ridiculous episode last night at work, and started wondering… If I were in charge of hiring at a large corporation, wanted to “weed out the shitty” as my brother would put it, and was limited to just one question, what would it be? And I think I’ve got it pegged.

I’d ask: What would you do if you won five million dollars in the lottery?

Is that perfect, or what? Much better than a goddamn elephant, that’s for sure. The person’s answer would tell me many things about him/her, and would allow me to gauge their intelligence, common sense, and decision-making skills.

For instance, here’s how I’d read a couple of the anticipated answers:

Buy a ludicrously expensive car A pure dumbass who doesn’t have a place in the company. Especially if he starts talking about Italian sports cars, complete with model numbers, or mentions Bentley and/or Rolls Royce. If that’s the first thing that pops into his mind, a rapidly depreciating piece of flash, he should be given the opportunity to work elsewhere. Because he’s a bag of shit.

Continue working This person is a liar, and doesn’t have a place in the company. He’s the type who tells people what he thinks they want to hear, with little regard for the truth. He should receive one of the form letters that contain the word “unfortunately.”

Give most of it to charity Ha! Even worse than the “continue working” folks… Especially if the person provides this boolshit answer with a concerned, deeply saddened expression on his face. It’s an Oprah-tinged manipulation, and the person doesn’t have a place in the company. He should be escorted from the building by security guards, and thrown to the pavement in the parking lot.

You see, it’s easy to analyze every answer. It’s perfect! I should be heading up an HR department somewhere, with such innovative techniques bubbling up in my brain.. I really should.

Can you think of any other one-question interviews that would give you a window into the soul of applicants? Since this is just imaginary, let’s not worry about ethics or laws, or any of that pesky stuff… That’s for suckers.

Also, I’m sure we’ve all engaged in conversations with friends and coworkers about imaginary lottery windfalls. “What would you do if you won five million dollars?” or whatever. Why not attempt to analyze the common answers in the comments? Do it, it’s fun!

And that’s gonna do it for today, my friends. Please remember the ongoing Yurtathon 2010. I sincerely appreciate everyone who’s already donated, or purchased shirts, to help me spend a week (or so) in a ridiculous roundhouse in the forest — and finish (finally finish!) my book. If you’d like to chip in, every little bit helps. Thanks in advance!

I probably won’t be able to post a real update again until Sunday, but be on the lookout for another blues singer exercise. I’ve chosen the next room, and know it’ll be a lot of fun. I’ll try to get that going on Friday.

Have a great day, boys and girls!

I’ll see ya next time.

Now playing in the bunker

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Your Tuesday Topic Dump, vol. 28

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

It was starting to feel like fall here in the Upper Perogie Belt, but now we’re back to crack-dampening heat again. It’s incredibly cruel. There are various Octoberfest (sometimes Oktoberfest) beers on the shelves, the high humidity had disappeared, and the temperatures were dropping to a more civilized level. And today it’s hot and sticky and gross again. Stupid Obama…

Clive Bull has been on vacation for two weeks, and I’ve been listening to his fill-in hosts, while I’m at work. You know, since I pay two British pounds per month to have access to the full-show podcast, I need to get my money’s worth.

And the replacement guys aren’t bad, but there’s something missing. Clive is laid-back, and his show is quiet and soothing. But there’s more going on than meets the ear… He has a talent for asking the callers questions that are slightly askew, and makes them go off on tangents they hadn’t intended. He also gets his little dry and sarcastic digs in, which I appreciate.

The new guys aren’t as good at doing all that stuff. Clive, like most seasoned professionals, makes it look easy. And I wish he’d hurry up and get back to work. ‘Cause when he takes time off, my ten-hour shifts seem hyper-extended. And I can’t have that.

I’ve started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer via Netflix streaming. I needed a new show to get into, and had tried a couple of others without luck. But Buffy seems to be sticking… so far, anyway.

I watched a season of it, back when it was on regular TV, and liked it. But I got off-track somehow. Netflix has all the early seasons available through their cool-ass Watch It Now service, so I’m gonna use Buffy and her vampire-kicking pals to fill-in any stray hours I might have lying around.

I feel better having a show to watch, if I wanna. I was starting to feel… adrift. But Buffy will be my anchor.

You know what would be a great cell phone app? Something that would cause your phone to get really, really hot, like a George Foreman grill, making it possible to cook burgers and hotdogs on it. In fact, the Foreman people might want to develop it. What do you think? Pretty good, huh?

Do you have any ideas for new applications? Tell us about it, won’t you? Use the comments link below.

I’m currently blasting a shockingly good Hoodoo Gurus two-disc anthology, called Ampology. I’m a power pop fiend, and don’t think the Gurus get the respect they deserve. In fact, I suspect they’re pretty much forgotten at this point.

And that’s a goddamn crime… The Ampology collection shows how great they were, even after they’d started flying beneath the hipster radar. Really strong stuff: consistent, fun, and rockin’. And, of course, out of print. <sigh> Most of their regular albums are still easily obtainable, though.

And speaking of music (sorry Buck), there’s something going around Facebook right now, where you’re supposed to list your Top 15 favorite albums of all time, in fifteen minutes or less.

You’re limited to only one album per artist, so you can’t just list fifteen Rolling Stones records, or whatever. And the fifteen minute part is important. It’s supposed to be the fifteen albums that jump IMMEDIATELY to your mind. This will cut down, I guess, on people getting all pretentious and listing stuff for other peoples’ benefit, etc.

I generally ignore crap like this, but last night I gave it a shot and below is what I scribbled in my notebook. I undoubtedly forgot some stone-cold classics that I’ll probably remember while driving to work today. But these are the fifteen that immediately popped into my tiny Duke head.

The Replacements “Pleased to Meet Me”
Nick Lowe “Basher”
Boomtown Rats “A Tonic For The Troops”
Buzzcocks “Singles Going Steady”
Eels “Daisies of the Galaxy”
Elvis Costello “Armed Forces”
Beatles “Rubber Soul”
The Jam “Greatest Hits”
The Clash “London Calling”
The Kinks “Kink Kronikles”
Donald Fagen “The Nightfly”
Beautiful South “Carry On Up the Charts”
Dinosaur Jr. “Green Mind”
Graham Parker “Passion Is No Ordinary Word”
XTC “English Settlement”

Yeah, that’s far from accurate, but I do fully and completely love all those albums. There are big problems with it, though. There’s no Dylan or Randy Newman or Neil Young, or a bunch of other greats who should probably appear. But I stuck to the fifteen minute thing…

If you’d like to post your fifteen off-the-top-o’-yer-head albums in the comments, please feel free. Or make it five albums in five minutes… Whatever’s cool with me.

Also, don’t forget the phone app Question.

I need to get ready for work now, eat a Mandy Patinkin frozen meal, and get my big riffled ass out of here. But before I call it a day, I’d like to alert you to a brand new blog authored by our old friend lakrfool. Check it out, here.

He plans to update the site once a week, so please bookmark it, or add it to your feed reader, whatever. lakrfool is a great guy, and funny as hell. You won’t be disappointed.

And that’s that. Have a great day, my friends.

I’ll be back tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker
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