Jeff Kay's West Virginia Surf Report!

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

I’ve got one hour to write and post this update. That’s assuming my shirt doesn’t need ironing… So, an hour, best case; if I have to break out the foldable platform, and fire up that big cloth-straightener, all bets are off.

Some of you will remember, a couple years back, the bizarre, tragic, and sad death of a regular reader of this site, a person who went by the name Blitz Krieg in the comments. He was funny and smart, and a part of our family here.

It sucked when he “died,” and we mourned his passing. But now there’s some pretty good evidence that the whole thing was a hoax. I don’t understand it, couldn’t even begin to start. I wanted to mention it here, but don’t plan to spend much time on it.

Tiff and wordnerd wrote about it yesterday, and they pretty much nailed it. So, there ya go. I got nothing else on the subject.

Some good news: the Surf Report is back in Google’s index. Yesterday, Ads vs. Reality was the number one result for “fast food” in the search engine. As I type this it’s dropped to the second page, which kinda bothers me. But it’s better than being banished altogether. A website doesn’t even exist, if it ain’t in Google. And that’s pretty much the troof.

Here’s some weird shit I wrote.

And this is part of a conversation I overheard yesterday (I swear it’s true):

Woman: “But the Jews don’t believe in Jesus, do they?”
Man: “Oh, I think they believe in him, they just don’t think he was all that.”

And it looks like the Eels (one of my all-time favorites) will be releasing ANOTHER album in January. Amazing. There was a four or five year gap between their last two albums, now they’re cranking out two in six months? Crazy, but I’ll take it.

Apparently E, the leader of the “band,” is going through a divorce, and wrote this album in a hurry, as catharsis. And that’s good news for us, because he seems to create his best music when he’s in pain. Not that I’m happy he’s in pain or anything…. You know what I mean.

Do you know of any great breakup albums? There are a few of ‘em, entire records about the disintegration of a long-term relationship. A recent, really good one is 12 Angry Months by Local H. If you get the chance, check it out. It’s fantastic.

Sample lyrics from the album:

Give me my Zeppelin CDs, you know you took them, I know you did
Where’s my Pretenders record, you know the one, the one with Kid
Where’s all my AC/DCs, my Interpol, my Libertines
Where’s all my Kyuss records, you never liked them until you met me

Metten has added an update to his Mockable post yesterday, about the medical scare he’s experiencing. You can read it here.

Toney and I returned to a Mexican restaurant recently, a place we’d previously placed in the NEVER AGAIN! column. And it was really good. I’m glad we’re weak, and rarely stick to our culinary guns. Because it often works in our favor.

Perma-grudges are for suckers, especially when there’s enchiladas involved!

Have you ever caved and gone back to a business, any business, previously relegated to the NEVER AGAIN! column? Or are you more rigid than we are? Tell us about it.

And I know this is a weak effort, but I gotta go. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to update again, since my parents are supposedly coming. But I’ll do my best to sneak one in somewhere.

Have a great day, my friends.

See ya next time.

Now playing in the bunker

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A Quick Update from the Box Company

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

Just wondering… Do you ever feel like John Locke, during the box company years? ‘Cause I do, on a semi-regular basis. Plus, my left eye hurts. Just thought you’d want to know.

And before we get started on this one… A few weeks ago Metten told me about a health scare he’s living through. It’s a personal thing, and not something I’d ever divulge without his blessing. But he’s written about it today at Mockable, in his customary style.

I hope you’ll read it, and send him your best wishes, etc. I’m sure it’s just a scare, but as is their nature… scares are scary. And we Surf Reporters need to stick together. It takes a village, pass the beer nuts.

Thank you in advance.

I’m waiting on an important phone call/email, and I’m not very accomplished at the art of waiting. I’m really not. In fact, it makes me crazy. Not shit-my-straitjacket crazy, but in that neighborhood. Ring, bitch!

And speaking of the phone I just called a bitch, I’m very eager to get rid of it. It’s a first generation LG eNV, and the thing isn’t very good. I hear the new ones are much better (third generation already), but the first version had some problems.

My two-year Verizon contract ends in March (I think), and I’ll get a $100 credit toward a new phone at that point. Or, I can upgrade now, for a $50 credit.

Toney says I need to wait, but as stated above… it’s not my strong suit.

Stupid Verizon. They prey on guys like me. They lean way back in their leather chair, take a puff off their expensive cigar, and enjoy a hearty laugh at my expense. The entire corporation, I mean, figuratively speaking or something.

I wish I could get an iPhone, but it would complicate my life too much to switch to AT&T. Lotsa family members use Verizon, so we can talk for free, etc. I know there are rumors about iPhone coming to Verizon in 2011, but I sure as hell can’t wait that long. I’m going to have trouble getting to December.

And now if you’ll excuse me for a few minutes, I’m going upstairs to eat a Marlene Colander sweet and sour chicken dinner….

OK, I’m back. A person I know (purposely vague) sometimes comes in contact with a woman who receives government checks, because her husband offed himself a few years back. I guess they had a couple of young kids, and there’s nothing funny about any of that.

However, the woman manages to work the suicide into EVERY conversation. If someone mentions watching an episode of Friends the previous evening, for instance, she’ll say something like, “Since my husband’s suicide, I don’t have time to watch TV.”

Everybody feels bad about the situation, but they’re starting to turn on her. This person I know (ahem) showed me a text message she received from someone sitting across the table from her and the suicide lady, during a recent lunch.

It said, “If this woman doesn’t shut up, I’m going to hang myself.”

She also refers to the checks she receives as “another gift from good ol’ Uncle Sugar.” WTF? What does that even mean? The suicide lady has burned up all the goodwill she had in the bank, and is now running a deficit. Have you ever known someone like this?

It’s like a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode come to life.

And I’ll leave you now with a Question that occurred to me while I was collecting our mail from the box this morning. Mixed in with the usual bills and crapola were loads of advertisements and catalogs, and what’s commonly known as junk mail.

Everybody says they hate junk mail, but why? What’s so horrible about it? Some of it’s kind of interesting, or at least amusing. And if you don’t like it, flick it in the trash. It takes roughly half a second out of your life. Sheesh.

So, that’s the Question: What things that are constantly bitched about do you secretly enjoy?

A few off the top of my head: junk mail, airplane food (it’s not that bad), and “Christmas is so commercial now” (oh, blow it out your ass with that old dried-up husk of a cliche). I also enjoy the smell of skunk, while driving.

And now it’s your turn. Use the comments link below.

And I’ll be back tomorrow.

…Ring, faggot!

Now playing in the bunker

Do your holiday shopping at Amazon!